Goodbye My Love (Lucah)

[Belle Harrington]

((continued from You Don't Know As Much As You Think))

It had taken days for her to finish the letter. She had tried over and over again to write the letter without any tears, but she couldn't do it. After many attempts, and many pieces of papers later Belle finally decided to send this one out. At first Belle was going to just mail the letter to him, but after much time thinking and assessing of her situation she decided to deliver the letter herself.

Arriving at Lucah's dorm room, she was more than happy to hear that he wasn't there at the time. So after slipping the letter under his room's door, Belle kissed her hand and placed it on his door.

And with that she turned and left her love behind in that single tear stained letter.

Lucah,

I'm sorry to have to write you a letter to tell you exactly how I feel but every time we've met recently, things have not gone smoothly. I wanted to write to you because I have been thinking of what you said the last time we met. And you're right, I do need to move on. And this is me telling you, that I am going to. I'm going to try to at least. But before I leave this part of my life behind, I wanted to write to you.

It breaks my heart that Jez was taken away from you. I wanted so much to meet the little sweetheart that you talked so highly about. And I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you when it all happened, I can only imagine how heartbroken you were when she was taken. And I cannot express how sorry I am for not being there for you. I regret all those hours and days I lost studying, especially since I should have been there for you instead.

I also want to apologize for speaking rudely of you, and how cruely I've been speaking to you. I had no right to tell you that Jez and your mother would be disappointed in you. I hope you understand that I did not mean that they were disappointed in you, just that if they could see how you were behaving and how cold you had become that they would have been ashamed of your actions. I know you don't think I know much about you, and I know you think I've turned on you, but I haven't. I, in no way, meant to hurt you. I was just trying to open your eyes.

It also breaks my heart that you felt like you had to walk on eggshells with me all the time. And for that I apologize. I'm so sorry you felt like that, and if I had known I would have tried to do better.

I'm just so sorry Lucah. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm especially sorry for not being a great girlfriend for you. I want you to know that I am here for you, and I'll always be. I hope that you have a happy and fullfiling life. And I hope this girl treats you better than I did.

Just one last time,
Tu iubesc.

-Belle.

P.s. I found this, and made you a copy. I want to show you that we were once happy and in love. Please don't forget about me.

Inside the envelope sat the picture.

[Lucah Ivaskov]

Lucah was good with letters. He often wrote them when he needed to vent to Jezebel or when trying to get something from his father. Dimitri didn't believe in family phone calls. Letters were more personal after all. Long-hand, not typed. So the fact that he'd received one wasn't anything to really freak out about. Well...until he saw who it was from.

Belle.

It had been only a few days ago that he'd ran away from her in the courtyard because of the torturous conversation that they'd been in. Screaming. Yelling. Stuttering...and worst of all crying. There had been so many tears shed in one day that it killed him to just think about it. Belle hadn't stopped since she fell and once he got back to the dorm, well, he'd thrown a fit. Throwing things and screaming some more, but tears had streamed down his face the whole time. The door was locked, Romeo wasn't getting in and Lucah just needed space away from the world. It was a wonder he hadn't packed up his bag and left at that point like he's threatened so many times before.

But he had promised her that he'd always be there for her, and that was the only thing that had kept him from bolting.

Until he read the letter, he'd been a complete mess. He couldn't stop going back and forth between loving her and leaving her. The thoughts of when they'd once been together played back in his head whenever he closed his eyes, but then they'd turn back to the arguments that they'd recently had. The smiles, the laughs. The screaming and the tears. He couldn't get away from it. Then he'd received a letter, one he expected to be either Dimitri's response or Jez's, but when he saw the familiar handwriting...he nearly dropped it.

After reading it, he felt hollow again. It was a familiar feeling, one he'd grown accustomed to, but it still didn't feel too great. The picture only topped off the feelings and he pulled out his own notebook and began to write. It wasn't that he planned on giving it to her. He really had no intention of her ever reading it, but it was best to write about how he felt.

Belle,

I got the letter. It was lovely and I'm glad you wrote it. I'm so happy to hear that you plan on moving on, and I'm sorry I had to push you so hard for it to happen. I just wanted you to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted for you. I know that you'll find a guy, someone who is so much better than me. You'll forget all about me and the pain will go away with the memories. I just hope that some part of your mind will remember this...what we had.

I don't blame you for not being there when Jez was taken away. You had studying and I knew that. It was also my fault for not informing you of just how difficult it had been for me. I was just trying to take care of things on my own. You know me, I can't let anyone help me without a fight... It's alright that you weren't around, the fact that I tried to guilt trip you with that was stupid and I apologize. I should not have been so cruel. Hopefully, in time, you'll still get to meet her. I plan on her coming back and I'd still really like her to meet you, if you wouldn't mind it.

I understand the cruelty and the harsh words that you spoke to me. And believe it or not, it woke me up. My mother raised me to be a gentleman and I have not behaved as such to you. I was taught to never raise my voice to a woman, and yet these past few times we've talked...that's all I've done. My mother and Jezebel would have been disappointed in my actions, and I feel awful for how I've treated you. I just hope I get the chance to make it up to you at some point, whether it be soon, or years in the future...I want to make it up to you.

Walking on eggshells is something that I'm used to. It was no reason to break up with you, I'll admit, but I couldn't keep doing it. I'm always walking on eggshells around Jez and I know I didn't have to with you, but I never wanted you to hate me so much because of the things I say. Everything I say comes out wrong it seems, especially when I'm around you now. It's like nothing I do is right anymore and I hate it. I just need some time to figure out which way my life is going to go. I'll either end up like my father, or I'll stay true to myself. I couldn't drag you through that hell while I was trying to figure it out. That's the real reason I broke your heart. It was selfish and harsh, but it seemed appropriate at the time. I'm so sorry for all of it. I hope you'll soon forgive me.

I wish I was there with you while you were writing the letter, just so I could tell you to stop apologizing so much for things you in no way did. It wasn't you Belle, it never was...as lame and ridiculous as this sounds...it was always me. I always got in the way of us being happy together. I have a feeling that it will come into affect with Lyssa and I as well, maybe she'll smack some sense into me. She's already done it once, I'm just hoping to find myself with her. I know you don't want to hear about me and her, but I want you to know that I'm going to try to make myself better, and maybe then we can be friends. Good friends.

I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to hurt you over these past few months. And no matter what I said before, I do still love you Belle...I just couldn't keep pulling you down with me.

Take care of yourself, I love you.

Always yours,
Lucah

Stashing it away in his drawer, Lucah went out for a while to get some air. Little did he know that a sneaky roommate would send the letter regardless.

(FIN)