You Look How I Feel (Cole)

[Kadence McAvoy]

Life as a bartender was simple, easy and sort of fun. People bought drinks for you, you got paid a decent amount and you met new people every day. Heck, sometimes the same people came in daily. The regulars, they were called. This place had quite a few of those. Kadence recognized them from when she'd merely been a waitress for it. Most of them were office guys just off of work, gathering to talk business or complain about their wives. Typical. Others were the bummy guys that didn't have a very nice job or didn't have that great of a life. They were mostly the alcoholics. And of course there were the girls that came to the bar for a girl's night out. Kadi didn't have a problem with them, but they seemed to think she was a whore or something seeing as how she was a bartender.

Makes total sense right?

People like that amused Kadence because she knew that she was more or less the opposite, especially now that she was out of high school and done with her rebellious fit. Now she was a working girl that just wanted to be left alone while she was doing her job. She loved partying with people, but usually it was only with the girls she was already friends with. Rarely did she ever hang out with any guys other than if her friends brought a date. They were constantly trying to set her up on dates because they wanted her to get over what happened with Mason. Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple, she had spent a good portion of her time with Dr. Neville talking about him and Hayden both. She still wasn't comfortable in her own skin, especially when around guys that reminded her of Mason.

Hanging out with new people didn't happen a whole lot unless they instantly bonded over something silly. Sometimes it was a love of Midori Sours, other times it was Skittles vodka, but that was only during work hours that she bonded over drinks. Whenever she wasn't working at the bar, she was perfecting herself, her body. Early mornings before she went to sleep (due to the late shift she worked) she'd go for a jog at the lake or run up to Hammel and back home. The school was something that tied her to her brother now that she wasn't living in Florida. It was where she often went when she needed time to herself and didn't want to spend it at the cemetery.

Today was a work day though, and it was just about to hit the craziest part of the day. One of the locals was playing and it was the weekend. Kadi fluffed her hair and fixed her lipstick, then walked out of the bathroom to her post. Time to get this show on the road.

[Cole Kessler]

Cole pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine of his truck. Tears still welled up in his eyes after the long trip back from his home state of Oklahoma. He laid his head back against the headrest of his seat and lit a cigarette. He closed his eyes and took in a long, slow drag before inhaling it. Exhaling and opening his eyes, Cole focused on the picture of he and his father. The picture wasn't even two years old. Yet, the man in the photo with him was now gone. Cole had been granted time off when his father had suffered a heat stroke. It was something he never thought would happen. His father's death was the reason he'd been so long removed from Pilot Ridge.

Reaching up, Cole pulled the picture free of the visor and just held it. It was now the closest thing he would have to hugging his father. The tears in his eyes broke free and dropped down his cheek before the young man wiped them away. He knew his father wouldn't want him stuck in the past. He heard the final words his father spoke to him echo in his head, "Do not mourn me, my boy. Take care of your family and find the woman you love. Mom and I will be watching over you, Cole. I love you."

Cole nodded and wiped away yet more tears before putting the picture up, grabbing his guitar, and stepping out of the truck. As he approached the back door he took a final drag off his cigarette and flicked it away. He knocked on the door firmly and smirked as it slowly creaked open for him. He no more stepped inside before he felt a large, strong hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Anderson looking at him with remorseful eyes. The two friends exchanged no meaningful words, for there needed none be said. Cole just nodded and smiled to the man instead before proceeding on into his room.

Walking, into the small room, Cole sat his guitar on the couch and took in the things he'd missed most while gone. Had it not been for this club, Cole likely wouldn't have returned to Pilot Ridge, instead opting as his step-mother did to stay in Oklahoma. Cole couldn't do that to his friends in Pilot Ridge/ There was simply too much for him to leave behind. He sat on the edge of a nearby couch and focused himself. It was almost show time. And Cole would just have to vent his pain the only way he could right now: Doing his job and performing to the best of his ability.

Cole stood up and grabbed his guitar before making his way on stage. The crowd was ecstatic and ready for whatever he could throw at them. He would wait just a little bit longer and savor the last bit of calm before he unleashed the storm that churned within him.

[Kadence McAvoy]

As she stood behind the bar with one of her fellow bartenders, she did a few bottle tricks just perfecting her skills that it had taken under a month for her to learn. Watching Coyote Ugly may have helped a bit. She was actually the better one, though her friend had been working at the bar longer. He was always whining about how she stole the show from him as if it were her fault. Van was one of the few guys she actually got along with and that was only because he was the farthest thing from Mason as she could find.

Van was thin, not extremely muscular and definitely not a jock. He had piercings everywhere (meaning everywhere) and tattoos covering his arms and up his neck. He was also gay and had a boyfriend. Upon first meeting she never would have suspected a thing, but when she saw Jake pick Van up from work one day, well that had been a good indicator. Van always got so irritated by all of the girls wanting to hook up with him, and no guys ever did because nobody expected him to be. Poor guy couldn't catch a break.

As Kadence twirled an empty beer bottle on the counter tops, she watched the local guy, someone she had seen perform before, take the stage. He looked a mess and yet no one in the crowd seemed to notice. The only reason she knew the back story was because the boss man had mentioned something to everyone about the recent loss he had suffered and was still mourning. Anderson didn't say who, but by the looks of it, it had to have been a family member. A close one at that.

She knew that feeling far better than anyone would realize, no one here knew about Hayden though which she was thankful for. Kadi sort of felt bad for the guy on stage because he couldn't escape it, not even at work like she did. It seemed like everyone else knew about Hayden, but not here. Her first set of customers approached the bar to get a beer before he started and she filled up their glasses quickly and efficiently before sending them on their way.

[Cole Kessler]

Cole allowed the music playing to finish before waving to the band to start their introduction section. His band mates slowly began to play shallow tunes and build up slowly. Cole waited until the height of the intro to burst forward and take hold of the microphone stand. He wasn't going to let his emotion show just yet and he shared a smile with the band before turning to face the crowd. He held both arms up to their roar. If anything, his musical emotion would have only one way to go: Romantic Relationships, then the loss of his father.

It was time to get a move on. Cole help up his hands a bit longer, taking in the crowd and then started to jump lightly on his heels. The jumps become more and more heavy before finally, in one violent motion, his feet hit the floor and his arms dropped. The band erupted into sound at his signal and Cole jerked the microphone free of the stand. Bouncing around to the song's opening riffs, Cole walked up to the edge of the stage. He knelt down and reached out to touch the hands of his fans:

I saved a piece of myself,
From the ashes of a burning misery
You tried deceiving yourself,
But what you get from me is what you see

It breaks me down, what’s left of me
And all the pain is fading away from me

I’m over you, I’ve realized
You’re not the only one
I’m free of you, I’ve opened my eyes
You’re not the only one

Imprisoned under your skin
Is an angel bound by calloused apathy
I feel it growing within,
A better life for me now that I’m finally free

It broke me down, what’s left of me
And all the pain has faded away from me

I’m over you, I’ve realized
You’re not the only one
I’m free of you, I’ve opened my eyes
You’re not the only one

I see your face in my dreams
The way you taste is haunting me
Do you see reflections of my sorrow?
Or hear my voice where silence reigns?

I’m over you, I’ve realized
You’re not the only one
I’m free of you, I’ve opened my eyes
You’re not the only one

Cole didn't hesitate after the song was over to address the crowd. "No one in here is ever truly alone. If you have ever known loss, depression, sorrow, regret, or failure. Or if you have ever felt manipulated, defeated, brought down, stabbed in the back, or like you had nothing left to live for..... You are never, ever completely, truly alone." Cole said, hiding the emotion in his voice. "We are all here. We are all united. Everyone who has ever felt anything like that put your hands up." Cole said as he pushed his own fist into the air. Slowly, all of the crowd, and even the bartenders hands followed suit. "Now, look around you. All of these people share the same things you do. Whenever you feel alone, misguided, distraught, or any thing else negative; know that you are NOT alone."

Cole's band stood up and joined the crowd with hands in the air. "This nation was not built on pity-parties, guilt trips, or by people too goddamn scared to leave their homes. We are the greatest fucking nation in the world. And tonight, you will realize that just as all of us up here on this stage, you are no less important than all of us. We all bleed the same. All of us will one day be gone. Are we gonna leave a legacy of pacifism for the next generation? Or are we gonna let the records show that we did not go quietly into the fucking night!?" Cole finished his words and the crowd roared in agreement. Some of Cole's rant may not have made complete sense, but most of the patrons were too drunk to realize it. "Now keep those hands up. Tonight we are Unified!" Cole screamed as the band began it's next song.

I found a note with your name
And a picture of us
Even though it was framed
And covered in dust
It’s the map in my mind that sends me on my way

They say it’s never too late
To stop being afraid
And there is no one else here
So why should I wait?
And in the blink of an eye the past begins to fade

So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair?
And your moment of truth
Is the day that you say “I’m not scared”

Put your hands in the air
If you hear me out there
I’ve been looking for you day and night
Shine a light in the dark
Let me see where you are
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind

If I told you that you’re not alone
And I show you this is where you belong
Put your hands in the air
One more time

I’ve seen a million miles
Met a million faces
Took all I knew
To reach all these places
And I’d do it again
If it brings me back to you

So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair?
And your moment of truth
Is the day that you say “I’m not scared”

Put your hands in the air
If you hear me out there
I've been looking for you day and night
Shine a light in the dark
Let me see where you are
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind

If I told you that you’re not alone
And I show you this is where you belong
Put your hands in the air
One more time

Put your hands in the air

Put your hands in the air
If you hear me out there
I’ve been looking for you day and night
Shine a light in the dark
Let me see where you are
‘Cause I’m not gonna leave you behind

If I told you that you’re not alone
And I show you this is where you belong
Put your hands in the air
One more time
Put your hands in the air
One more time

[Kadence McAvoy]

Kadence had a job to do, she couldn't very well just listen to the band and enjoy herself like the rest of the crowd. The only time she ever looked up from her own job was when there was a short break in the rush of people. She could hear everything that was going on and she nodded her head along with each song, but she barely paid any mind to the lyrics. It was too difficult to pay attention to the meaning of a song when she was flipping bottles and tossing them around. She was always so engulfed in her own work she just didn't care about anything else around her.

Van nudged her when he noticed everyone paying attention to the band and she realized she had a good break from everything as whoever the lead guy was spoke. He spoke of loss and regret and feeling like nothing. They were all things she had felt before, more times than she could count. It wasn't something she admitted to openly to anyone, it had taken months for Dr. Neville to get her to say it. He could read her thoughts the whole time, but she didn't say it until he finally broke through that shell of hers.

And for this guy to ask everyone to raise their hand as if they were taking a survey about pain and loss, she refused to be a part of it. Van was a follower, his hand rose in the air and she rolled her eyes. If any of these people really knew what it was like losing someone that was practically a part of them and knew what it was like to be kicked so hard when you're already kissing the ground, they wouldn't partake in it either. Everyone lost someone at some point, and it hurt, but rarely did anyone lose someone that they couldn't live without so early in their life.

The whole thing made her sick and while there was time until they swarmed the bar again, Kadence turned and walked towards the bathroom, pushing people out of her way. She pushed the door open and placed her hands on the counter, her head bowed. The song was still ringing in her ears and she placed her hands over them to block it out. She didn't want to hear it anymore. Why couldn't she just forget? She just wanted it all to go away!

[Cole Kessler]

Even through the performance had engulfed him, the thought was not lost on Cole that he might have possibly offended someone. That was Cole's style though, he was going to speak his mind. If it offended whoever was listening they were more than welcome to tune him out. As the song ended, Cole paused to get a drink. Turning back he looked over the crowd, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to thank you for being here tonight. I'm sure most of my co-workers already know thanks to Anderson letting me suddenly vanish." Cole explained and took another drink, "For those of you who don't know, which is is every-fucking-one of you, three weeks ago, my father suffered a severe stroke followed by numerous minor and moderate ones while trying to recover from the first." Cole said, tears welling up, "To make a long story short, he finally left this life for a better one last week. As stubborn and rowdy an old man as he was, he went out quietly, peacefully, and with his family surrounding him."

Cole turned away from the microphone and blinked free the tears he'd held back for a moment. "Ya'know, I always thought, as reckless as I am, that he would see me die before his time came." Cole smirked, "But I know damn good and well that he wouldn't want me dwelling on losing him. My father, Alan James Kessler, was a man who did everything right in his life. He was a man that knew the morality of good and bad. A man that understood the balance of all the things we take for granted and how to appreciate it." Cole said calmly, "He supported me in every aspect of my life. Even when I thought he would abandon me and disown me, he would always prove me wrong. I know that he and my mother are watching over me. I can only hope that I continue to make them proud. Now, for those of you wondering why I'm not racked with grief or why I continue to go about my days like nothing happened? You're wrong." Cole said firmly, "Yes, I lost my father, but loss of life is not a reason to shut down. I'm going to handle this the only way I know how: The way I was taught. This is not a mourning service where I'm gonna ask y'all to bear with me. No, no, no, none of that shit. This is a celebration of all the things he'd done in life. Mom, Dad, I love you. And I'll hold the fort down till you call me home."

With that, Cole grabbed his acoustic and sat on the hardwood floor of the stage, "This song is dedicated to all those who have ever lost someone close to them, family or not." Cole said as he strummed the strings of his guitar.

I never believed that your soul could be stolen from me
Who can save me from the monster that I used to be?

So if you hear me now,
Won’t you just send me a sign?
Do I make you proud?
Tell me that I’m doing fine

Woah, if I could I’d fly away
And talk to the angels,
And beg them to please let me stay

Can you hear me? I’m calling across the divide
Will I see you? Maybe in some other life?

So if you hear me now,
Won’t you just send me a sign?
I see your face in the clouds,
The moon and the stars when they shine

Woah, if I could I’d fly away
And talk to the angels,
And beg them to please let me stay
’Cause Heaven, no Heaven, I’ll never see
What can I do to bring you back to me?

Will we meet again in another life?
Wait for me on the other side
Won’t you help me to see the light?

Woah, if I could I’d fly away
And talk to the angels,
And beg them to please let me stay
’Cause heaven, no heaven, I’ll never see
What can I do to bring you back to me?
What can I do to bring you back to me?
What can I do to bring you back to me?

[Kadence McAvoy]

Kadence tried not taking this so hard, she tried not being offended because she knew everyone saw things differently. Everyone handled grief differently. It had been nearly a decade and she still couldn’t think of her brother without breaking down. It wasn’t natural, and she had gone through so much therapy to get over the grief of her brother, none of it worked. She was sick of thinking about him and just knowing he was dead. She wanted to think of her brother, not his corpse. Kadi knew he died serving his country and he signed up for it, but she was so damn irritated that God took him away from her.

Her stomach tightened into several knots and she fell to the floor (happy to know that she had cleaned it earlier in the day). She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them. Tears slid down her cheeks as she listened to him speak about his father and what had happened. As much as she felt for him, their grief was different. A father was supposed to outlive his son. He died from old age and medical problems that came with the age. It seemed harsh, the way she thought of it, but it was all just a matter of seeing things from different perspectives. She didn’t know what she’d do if her parents died, she’d probably be upset and shut herself off from the world for a while to get over the grief. Then she would move on because parents died before their children, it was how things were supposed to happen. Hayden was barely starting his life when he died.

That was what she thought of. She thought of her parents crumbling before her eyes at the age of twelve when they heard the news. Kadence remembered the blank stare her mother had at his funeral when she was handed the American flag. She remembered her father dressed in his uniform and saluting the picture of her brother that sat beside his coffin. All when she was barely hitting her teenage years. She thought of where he’d be now if he was still alive. With a wife and children living back in Florida? Or would he have stayed in Pilot Ridge? She knew he thought of joining the OP here and keeping in eye out for metas, but he hadn’t even made it that far.

Kadi heard a tap on the door and Van’s voice from the other side asking if she was okay. She muttered a small ‘yeah’ and stood back up, wiping the tears from her eyes, careful not to smudge her makeup. Once she felt like it wouldn’t be obvious that she was crying, she opened the door and walked out, right past her co-worker and to the bar where a line of people stood waiting for a drink. Without any real thought, she took their orders and made their drinks in a daze, her mind still off in the future.

[Cole Kessler]

Cole finished the song and stood up with tears in his eyes. There's was no holding it back when he sang that song. Ever since he'd first heard it, and now more than then, it had always brought tears to his eyes. He scanned the crowd again and couldn't help but flash a smile. Even in the darkest of times, Cole always found something to smile about. His mind drifted back to his younger brother. The boy had lost his battle with cancer and succumbed to the better life only eight-months ago. All Cole had now was his step-mother. She was the only family he had left, but he knew everything would be okay.

The electrokinetic thought on his next song for a moment. After a pause of thought another smile crossed his face. He looked up to the ceiling and pointed; acknowledging his parents whom he knew were watching this concert just the same as the crowd in front of the stage. He had a few more songs to go. And for those songs, life was his inspiration. He looked back to the crowd, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I want y'all to give these great bartenders a hand. They put up with those of you that are here night after night and even those who occasionally swing in. I know I'm not the only one y'all come to see." Cole couldn't help but share the spotlight with his co-workers, especially considering that he would be joining them in the rush that would follow his concert. "Van! Y'all are doing a great job. I'll lend a hand once I'm done up here, brother." Cole said with a fist extended towards the bar.

After he'd given them a moment Cole reached down and grabbed a water and took a drink. "Now, how many in here watch the news?" Cole asked and waited for them to raise their hands, "Y'all see all the bullshit that gets shown on there? I support our nation one hundred percent, but I can't help but let myself question some of the fucked up things we do. There is no reason we should still be fighting overseas and sacrificing the sweat, blood, and lives of our American brothers in a war that is no longer our own! Specifically not when so much shit is going wrong stateside. We've got people who can't even afford to feed themselves, let alone their fucking families." Cole said. "So I'm gonna sing y'all a little song that I think relates to the way I feel about this. Thanks to Black Stone Cherry for their awesome song writing and for this song specifically." Cole said as he grabbed his electric guitar and faced the microphone again. "If you know this song, you're more than welcome to sing with me. All I ask is that if you do sing: Sing it loud and Sing it fucking Proud!" With those words, Cole's band started up their next song:

Something about our world today
That makes me wanna cry
There's too much anger and too much pain
Too much money and too many lies
If I could have one wish tonight
I would beg of us to forget our pride
If we could do just one thing right,
We could help each other to love our lives.

[CHORUS]
All I'm dreamin of
Is good times, good friends and somebody to love.
All I'm dreamin of
Is no fears no tears
and blue skies up above.
[/CHORUS]

There's people around us everywhere
Who need help like you and me
A family was taken by a storm
And we just watched it on tv.
If I could have one wish tonight
I would beg of us to forget our pride
If we could do just one thing right
We could help each other to love our lives.

[Chorus]

When one thing's right
Another is wrong
But in the end
love will always
keep us strong.

All I'm dreamin of
Is a house on a hill and somebody to love
All I'm dreamin of
Is the sun to shine and blue skies up above.

[Kadence McAvoy]

As the guy on stage, whoever the hell he was, brought the attention to them, Kadence ducked behind Van, reaching to find another bottle of Tequila, seeing as how they were running low. A few of the guys nearby whistled at her and she just kept her back turned away from them. The last thing she wanted was to be recognized for being a constant partier. And who was he to say he’d offer them a hand? Didn’t he see that they were doing perfectly fine without him? Kadence was only getting irritated the more he spoke and she couldn’t handle much more of this abuse she was bringing onto herself. Between the thinking of Hayden and Mason and work and the stress of it all, she was about to explode.

Van just took it all in stride, waving the guy off and smiling. She didn’t know that they were close and at this point she didn’t care. Whoever this guy was, she doubted she would like him much. While she mixed a drink, she heard him continue talking and she just rolled her eyes. But when she heard what he was talking about, she nearly dropped the bottle she was holding. One hit right after another. Was he trying to make her snap? Van glanced over at her and frowned because he knew that this was a topic she couldn’t handle any better than the one about losing someone. It really was like he was out to get her and she didn’t even know what she’d done to him. It was going to take another trip to Hammel for her to get through this.

He started singing and she set the bottle down, untied her apron and threw it on the ground before walking out of the bar, pushing right past Anderson as she did. He of all people knew damn well what she had been through just as much as he knew what this rocker dude went through. She slammed the door shut behind her, not that anyone would hear over the music and took a breather just outside.

[Cole Kessler]

Cole stopped short of pulling some random female on stage as he finished the song. Sex was ever-present on his mind, but it was something that this moment would not falter to. He could just as easily have pulled one on stage and serenaded her top off, but Cole wanted to keep this completely about everyone, not just himself.

As the performance drug on, Cole could see some people starting to lose interest. "I know by now that y'all are tired of hearing me play some of the low-end emotional songs. So I think it's definitely time to change the pace. But first, I need everyone to back away from the bar. Hold your drink orders for just a second. Van! I need a shot!" Cole hollered with a laugh. He smiled as Van made his favorite drink and sent it to him via waitress. "Gracie', mi amico y madona." Cole said as he knealt and took the drink, passing the waitress a tip. He lifted his glass and spoke again, "This is what I call Abysmal Reconciliation." He explained, "It is something I made up myself and is comprised of a little bit of every liquor we have behind that bar. Now, in hindsight, I probably should have given it a shorter name. But fuck it!" Cole said as he pressed the glass to his lips and knocked his head back. "God DAMN that's good!"

Cole shook off the bite of the alcohol and grabbed his guitar again, "Ya'know, my old man always told me that being yourself was the key to true happiness. I've lived my life by that creed ever since. Those of you who have had the pleasure or displeasure of getting to know me know that I don't pull a single effing punch. Low and behold, I found a song a few years back that describes me perfectly." The band struck and carried a chord as he spoke, "Now, granted the whole song covers various portions of my life, but the chorus hits my personality dead on." He turned around, "Gentlemen, shall we begin?" Cole said as he planted his feet. He jumped and as his feet found ground once more the band erupted once again.

So fake that you
You hate it
A city that seems so jaded
I can't
I can't end up like that
It's all about what you drive
Who you know
In a second it'll swallow you whole
And so fast
Just like that
You're way off track
To all you
Who want to
You want to it just ain't worth it
To all you
Who need to
You need to know

I don't give a fuck that you can't stand me
I've finally had enough of what you say
Now you're talking tough cause you backstabbed me
You're my derailment

So sick and so shameless
I swore I'd never start by saying
Do you know
You know who I am
It's not about what you drive
Who you know
Cause when it's gone
You'll be standing alone
And so fast
Just like that
You can't go back
To all you
Who want to
You want to it just ain't worth it
To all you
Who need to
You need to know

I don't give a fuck that you can't stand me
I've finally had enough of what you say
Now you're talking tough cause you backstabbed me
You're my derailment

It's funny how you lie and try to wreck me
It's funny how you're falling on your face
I'm never going to let you disrespect me
You're my derailment
The train is off the tracks
I'm not looking back

I don't give a fuck that you can't stand me
I've finally had enough of what you say
Now you're talking tough cause you backstabbed me
You're my derailment

It's funny how you lie and try to wreck me
It's funny how you're falling on your face
I'm never going to let you disrespect me
You're my derailment
Where do we go from here
With everything so unclear
Turned out to be by far my longest year
It's too late to turn back time
I'll never make it out alive
End of the day I see through all your lies