Picking Up Where We Left Off (Koty)

[Koty Hura]

Koty simply grinned and shook his head. As much as Dante was.. uh.. 'a little intense' at times, he was pretty cute sometimes too. "The way that it would work in this case would hopefully be your recollection, not the actual memory. I would not pry, I would not dig.. I would only accept what you wished to convey to me, in whatever form that took. If, once you began, you felt that I could withstand the full effect, that choice would be yours to make and I would not hold it against you. The point being that if you are able to revisit the experience without completely re-living it, you should be able to show me what it was like without putting me through it. I do not believe this situation is the same as the first two."

Why? Because this one would be a conscious decision, not memories jumping desperately and lashing out at anything they could get their metaphorical claws in. "I would be willing to compare what I am requesting to.. showing me a video of your experience, rather than taking me along for the ride. Unless one is prone to motion sickness, it is not likely that a point-of-view video of a roller coaster would make one sick, even if the real thing might."

Koty still wasn't sure why he was hoping so much that Dante would share.. Sure, a large part of it was that he wanted Dante to have someone who understood.. but there was more to it than that, and the 'more to it' made all the difference in whether or not he was persistent in trying to coax Dante into sharing.. Though, exactly what the 'more' was composed of Koty was unsure.. he just knew that he felt that Dante needed to share... and would likely end up disappointed if Dante chose not to.

[Dante Russo]

Dante hessitated. That didn't seem so bad. Just watching, not experiencing. Dantes tared at his food. Silent for a long moment. Then he looked up, into Koty's eyes, like he was searching for something. His expression was blank. For once there was no mean wit behind his eyes. No bitter retort.

"Okay," he said finally, blinking once and looking down again. Then he wondered if he could recall it without reliving it. Probably. Therew ere no drugs in his system, and there was no way he could recall it so vividly that he forgot the world existed.

He couldn't do that right?! Oh, god he hoped he couldn't do that, because he really didn't want to go back there right now!

Deep breath. He looked up again. "So," he started, and his voice lacked it's usual confidence, "how d'you... do this when.. when you're doin' it on purpose?"

[Koty Hura]

"Much less abruptly and much more calmly." True enough, even though it didn't answer the question in the slightest. Still, a bit of attempted humor might help to ease nerves? The last time (er.. both of them) had been extremely abrupt and were the antithesis to the word 'calm'. "Very simply. You will touch my arm or I will touch yours. If you are able to remain calm, you will feel a connection. I cannot say for certain exactly what it will feel like, it is different for each individual, but you will know that it exists. You will receive the impression that I have given you an impression, if you will forgive my circular methodology. At that point, a limited exchange may take place. I am able to open my mind to yours as easily as you are able to open yours to me.. either of us may 'dig' for lack of a better term into the other's thoughts. Should you choose to do so, though, be aware that each individual's mind has a subtly different language and perspective on any given event. Our unique interpretations of any given thing are, themselves, open to interpretation. Do not be alarmed if what you experience does not entirely make sense or line up with what you know."

This was way, way more dialogue that most people got.. but then Dante was.. different than most people. And especially now, he was fragile. It wouldn't do any good for Koty to link their minds just for Dante to flip his shit, not understand, and grab hold of a huge chunk of Koty's consciousness. Not good for either party. "There are other ways I may operate, but none of them are as sensitive to the wills of each party, and I only with to experience what you wish to share. To simplify.. I will link our minds via touch. Once I have, we will be able to communicate telepathically and on a level beyond speech.. including but not limited to the sharing of memories, thoughts, ideas, emotions. At any point in time the connection can be broken by simply removing contact."

And after overcompicating, then oversimplifying (Dante could choose which he preferred) Koty would hold his arm out to Dante. "We'll start slow. Touch my arm." Shit. More contractions. --Anyway, if Dante did touch Koty's arm, he would be suddenly aware that Koty knew that he was suddenly aware of Koty knowing he was suddenly aware. A bit of a paradox, but that was simply how this worked. They would each be aware and would know that Koty was creating that awareness. Then Dante would.. not 'hear' so much as 'understand' Koty telepathically. "If you will that I know or understand something, it will be so."

To prove that point, Dante would 'see' himself.. through Koty's eyes. Literally, as if in Dante's imagination, he would get the live view of himself staring and Koty staring back. Only for a moment so as not to overwhelm the boy, but the point was proven. "Start simple." If Dante decided to communicate what would ordinarily be 'words' he would find that the communication was similar to verbal, only without any of the mess or imperfection of words. He could communicate anything he wanted with the power of pure thought and emotion to Koty just now.

[Dante Russo]

Dante listened carefully, but there was still a twinge of panic when Koty actually held his arm out. Dante looked down at it and nerviously ran his tongue over his lips. Slowly he reached out his hand and gently pressed his fingertips to Koty's arm.

It was a little weird. Little tingly. Little bit like mirrors reflecting mirrors. He flinched, but didn't pull away. It was weird to let someone into his mind, but he was much more open under the current circumstances than he would have been on any other day. And he knew, somehow, that Koty would understand anything he wanted him to understand.

Then the mirror effect increased, and he saw himself as Koty saw him now. He watched his brow twitch in discomfort, and then it was gone. Start simple. Okay. Dante took a slow breath.

There were so many things in his head, he realized, that were always inadequately explained through language. He had so many ideas about so many things that he couldn't explain. For a moment Koty would be ambushed with a swirl of thoughts and ideas about the universe, and society, and human nature. Sorry. He stilled his thoughts again with a short exhale, and tried to concentrate on the point of this whole experiment.

The vision.

Slowly he let his mind relax again, and he looked back at the memory he was trying to share. Even in his attempt to stay calm, Dante felt his heart rate increase, and cold dread dropped into his stomach. Just recalling the sea of repeating patterns, the endless expanse, made him feel small. Insignificant. The whole of existance was just this same repeating pattern, so what was the point? What was the point of doing anything if it was all the same? What was the point of being alive in the first place?

[Koty Hura]

Fortunately, Koty had been expecting something to the tune of a burst of thought and information and opinions... much of it bounced off of his mental shielding but the main points got across. How Dante saw the world, expressed in one lump of thought. Koty simply grinned. Much of what the boy thought made perfect sense to him.... but then the vision.. As Dante let it ease forward, Koty would mentally step forward and help to guide Dante. Instead of one scared and alarmed person frantically digging and then backing away, Koty helped to steady him. Keep him from getting sucked in or from bailing. Gave him a steady stream of confidence and calmness to help keep him centered and steady. A metaphorical hand on his shoulder to help him face the cyclonic wind that was this memory..

But once he'd gotten the general impression of it watching it over Dante's shoulder (metaphorically speaking, as it were) Koty pushed forward.. Gently and slowly, but also firmly. Dante felt pointless and small and insignificant, but Koty had a hunch. He didn't push into the memory, he pushed toward one single block of universe.. drew them into it while blocking out everything else so Dante would hopefully not be overwhelmed. He would bring them further and further into it until the one block was the size that the entire vision had been..

Maybe everything repeats itself, but aren't there an infinite number of ways to get from A to B? If you are a single cell in a body.. You are insignificant up until the point that you are damaged. Then the whole body feels your pain. Or until you become a cancer and spread.. Each block is an infinite number of people and choices. Yours matter, even if the universe will keep existing either way..

[Dante Russo]

Dante tried to let Koty lead him with no resistance, but his inherent apprehension made that difficult. Koty led them closer to the colored, Tetris-shaped blocks, and Dante dug in his heels, so to speak. Letting someone else steer his mind was like sitting in the passenger seat of a car that was going too fast, or like cresting the first hill of a roller coaster. Dante braced against Koty’s guidance, reluctant to see what he was about to be shown.

Koty’s thoughts appeared in his own consciousness, and he reflexively reeled against it. That wasn’t.. That didn’t.. make it any better! No.. no, what’s the point!? Two plus three is five, but so is four plus one. And so is seven minus four plus eight minus six! It all equals five! What’s the point? What does it matter? The number five doesn’t give a shit how it got to be five! Then his thoughts became considerably more abstract, and even without the hindrance of language in his way, it was difficult to comprehend. Dante didn’t even fully comprehend it, and it was his own thought.

What it came down to was that nothing really mattered. A depressing outlook on life, certainly. But everything passed, and people died, and once you were dead it didn’t matter what you did. You didn’t exist anymore, and you didn’t care about anything, and even if the people left behind were effected, they too would die and loose the ability to care. Dante couldn’t figure out what the point of living was if there wasn’t some greater purpose, and from this vision he’d determined that there wasn’t. It was just the same thing over and over and over and over… And that was pointless! If everything stopped existing all at once, it wouldn’t matter, because there wouldn’t be anything around to give a shit.

Dante could feel his heart racing as his thoughts spiraled. I feel like I can’t breathe, he thought, fully aware that he could, in fact, breathe. He was sure, though, that Koty would appreciate the update.

[Koty Hura]

Dante would see something like a giant piece of paper.. covered in thousands upon thousands of numbers and mathematical symbols, the text so small he couldn't even read it aside from making out that it was covered in math problems.. some simple and some so convoluted and complex that physicists would have problems with them.. but the answer was always five.

It was a visual indicator of just a fraction of the ways that someone could get to five.. and the paper would split into pieces as Koty brought them back out to the distance that they'd originally started from.. Each of the pieces of paper had an equation and each of them shot off and the speed of light toward one of the blocks.

It matters because you exist in each incarnation whether you like it or not, each time the tiniest bit different, each time with different issues, different friends, different upbringings, different fears and joys. In each situation you are you, but you are taught differently and you learn differently and you grow differently.. in the same way that five cents is different than five dollars is different than five eggs or five chickens that lay them or five continents or a group of five people. There are an infinite number of things that five can be, and that can be five.. Even if the answer is always five, even if there are sometimes problems so complex that one never reaches that answer, each time the answer was always five and would always have been five.

Dante would understand that.. the way Koty saw the universe, whether he was correct or not.. The universe itself would remain relatively unchanged, it was the people in it that changed. The reason the universe didn't change was because when all the numbers were added together, no matter how simple or complex the equations were, they always equaled the same things.. but that had no bearing on the work that had gone into reaching the answer.. the lessons that one had to learn to solve the equation.. That they couldn't see the beginning or ending of this infinite loop of shapes because the shapes didn't end until every lesson was learned and five had been achieved through every way that i could be achieved and in everything that could possibly be put into a group of five.. And that perhaps then something different happened.

Until then, though.. Dante was simply a five, solving some equation that would inevitably lead him back to himself.. and Koty, a humble 7, was doing the exact same thing. Until they had learned ever lesson, every person and way and race and creed and everything else that they could be over many, many, many lifetimes.. they would keep living them. But what was infinite to something flesh and blood and mortal like them was likely simply one lifetime to the beings that they were between these periods. Each shape only a lesson, only an equation to be solved and understood. When they had finally learned all there was to learn then .. something more.

[Dante Russo]

Dante stopped. He just stopped. His mind stopped stirring and struggling, and he just stopped and listened. The chaos in his head stopped spinning, and Koty’s understanding of the universe came in, reorganizing, sorting, stacking.

There was a part of the equation that he’d been missing. A part that, once introduced, made everything else make sense. Incarnations. The idea that his existence was not limited to this one time in this one place, to be snuffed out forever and never heard from again.. well it made everything different.

Suddenly, through Koty’s perspective, Dante understood reincarnation. The concept had never been introduced to him. It was always understood, somehow, that you got one life. Just one. His generation was particularly fond of spouting ‘you only live once’ as an excuse for reckless and stupid behavior (of course, his generation was also fond of making everything an acronym, which turned the already tired sentiment into the word ‘yolo’). But the suggestion that this assessment of life was inaccurate brought everything else into question.

Indeed, five was not just five.

The sudden realization brought tears to his eyes. It was hope. A sparkling glimmer of light in the darkness that he lived in. He could feel them brimming, slipping from his closed eyes and darting down his cheek. Shit, shit— don’t cry, don’t— fuck!

Dante jerked his hand away from Koty’s arm and wiped the tears from his face. The room seemed to spin a bit from the abrupt disconnection, but that didn’t stop him from standing up turning away from Koty. He went to the window and leaned against the molding, staring out and not seeing anything. He was a little busy contemplating the fact that chanting ‘don’t cry’ in his head was sort of pointless when someone else was in there with him.. since the whole point was that they weren’t supposed to know. Dante sniffed.

“I’m not crying,” he said, even as he raised his arm to dry his eyes on his sleeve again.

[Koty Hura]

The sudden break in contact when Koty was so deep in Dante's mind sent his reality spinning. As Dante rushed off, Koty simply leaned sideways against the arm of the couch and tried to remember to breathe.. figuring it out after several seconds. Still, the world was a bit wiggly and the colors were a bit off. He wasn't gonna try standing up. That just seemed like an obscenely bad idea. "Well then maybe you should be, Dante."

The taller boy then decided he needed to ignore the bad feeling about standing up.. because he needed water. And pushed himself to his feet, trying rather desperately not to let Dante see how wobbly he was. He managed to get to the end of the couch and take one step without support before he fell to a knee and just sat like that, chuckling weakly to himself.. "Hey.. A little help? I can't seem to walk on my own at the moment and I think I need some water."

If Dante helped Koty up, they'd make it to the fridge and Koty would crack open a bottle of water, guzzling it like he'd been dying of thirst and finishing it with a satisfied 'Ahhh..' "I mean it though." He was leaning against the counter. "I got a pretty good view of what happened in there, ya know." Perhaps too good a view. Too deep. Too much energy and effort.. but he hadn't meant to. This just.. seemed to happen around Dante. Oh well, what didn't kill you made you stronger, right? "If I'd just seen that brilliant little spark of hope after a life like yours.. I would cry. I would grab hold of you and I would cry until you removed me and I wouldn't feel guilty about it and I would fully expect you to understand and forgive me."

Okay, maybe Koty wouldn't have done that.. but the point was that Dante didn't need to worry about crying in front of him. Koty didn't care and he wasn't going to think less of him for it. It was hard to think less of a person for a natural reaction when Koty himself had experienced not only his own similar reaction, but several other people's as well.

[Dante Russo]

Dante leaned more heavily against the window at the suggestion that he should be crying. Another concept that was foreign to him. Boys don't cry. They just don't.

He heard a thud behind him, and he pulled the sleeve of his sweatshirt over his hand and used it to more thoroughly dry his face. Koty needed help because apparently Dante's mind was just a fuckin' trip no matter how controlled the situation was. He turned around, scowling, and walked stiffly to Koty. He knelt down without a word and pulled Koty's arm across his shoulders. He then rose with a firm hand on Koty's wrist, and his shoulder taking most of the weight.

Dante was a little shakey himself, and the effort made his breath labored. Eyes on the floor, he took Koty to the fridge and stood silently while the boy drank. He frowned against what Koty said next, and turned his face away slightly. Those words made him ache in a way Dante couldn't describe, but it welled up in his chest and he found himself physically bracing against it.

He held his breath, and clenched his teeth, and hunched his shoulders. He wanted to say something snarky, but he couldn't talk. If he said anything it would all come pouring out. Koty would have to keep prodding if he wanted Dante to emote, because there was no way he was going to do it on purpose. Even if his body ached for that cathartic release.

Boys. Don't. Fucking. Cry.

[Koty Hura]

"I am reasonably sure that at some point here you have thought, or will think 'This happens every time he touches me, my brain is toxic'. You are wrong. No mind is toxic, just different.. and the issue in this instance was your rush to get away. Like being woken from a deep sleep I was forced very suddenly back to reality. I should be fine in a few minutes." True enough. A little worse for wear, but at least able to freakin walk just fine.

"And thank you. For your help. It is appreciated." Very true. If Dante had ran off completely, Koty likely would have had to crawl his way to the fridge.. or passed out trying to stand back up. Again, no real damage, just a very strange scene for a roommate to walk in on and a fairly uncomfortable place to sleep for a while.

"What else are you thinking.. Crying is weak. Crying is bad. Boys do not cry.. yes? In Japan, I would agree. Strict social codes and honor systems demand that one not lose face.. But there are no such codes here, and honor is a very different thing among friends. Do I wish to see you cry? Of course not. But I do wish for you to speak.. So.. you will speak.. you will reflect on what has transpired and.. and loosen the cap that you keep so tight containing how you feel, or I will retire to my room and take a nap and you will leave and feel no better for having shared your experience, or gained some perspective. I will not hold either against you, but stillness is overrated.. especially in conversation."

[Dante Russo]

Everything Koty said stung him. Why did it hurt so much to be told he wasn't bad? That he wasn't a poison? Wasn't that supposed to feel good? Wasn't acceptance supposed to make him feel better?

Dante continued to stare at the floor. Unmoving. It wasn't until Koty said those words that he reacted at all. Those words that Rebecca repeated so often. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry. Boys don't cry! Those words in Koty's voice made his throat tighten and his stomach clench. His head dipped noticeably, his shoulders rose at least an inch, and his eyes squeezed shut. Don't! Don't do it! Just don't!!

But he was being given an ultimatum. He would say something, or Koty was going to take a nap. Dante didn't want to be alone right now, and the idea of leaving right now made the skin on the back of his neck prickle uncomfortably. Dante tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it was not interested in being stuffed down anymore.

Foolishly thinking that he could somehow speak around it, Dante opened his mouth. He wanted to say something along the lines of, 'no, don't leave', but what came out was just a burst of sound. The sob shook him, and his shoulders clenched against it. Dante covered his mouth with one hand, and his other arm wrapped tight around his stomach. For a moment his whole body seemed to quiver, and then another burst of sound escaped him.

Dante sank to the floor after that, realizing that this was happening whether he wanted it to or not. He hid his face behind his knees and covered his head with his hands. "Don't go!" He cried, voice muffled. "I don't-- don't wanna be alone!"

[Koty Hura]

Well.. That bad been a little more abrupt that intended. But then.. almost everything seemed to be a bit abrupt with Dante.. even when it was significantly less abruptly. Oh well. Koty kneeled down when Dante sank to the floor and his hand hovered over the boy's shoulder for several seconds before it finally sank slowly and gently down to cover it. "Then we'd better get you a bit of privacy." Dammit with these contractions. Fortunately, a few minutes of breathing and conversing and some cold water was enough to have Koty in the position to walk again.

So he stood, then took Dante by the arms and lifted him right back up. Big empty rooms always made Koty feel alone, even if he had company. Smaller darker quieter more intimate spaces were just.. better. In this case, a place Dante had been before. Koty's room. If Dante was able to walk, Koty would steer him straight to the door, open it, and steer Dante inside. Once inside, Koty would steer his companion to the bed and sit him down.. before easing onto it next to him, then falling over on the far side against the wall. Still easily within reach, but not too close for comfort.

Koty was laying on his back with an arm thrown over his eyes. "Lay down, curl up, stay there, stand.. Get comfortable. I'm not going anywhere and neither are you until at least some of this gets out, Dante." He couldn't risk using his telepathy just now and.. honestly, it was probably a much better method to let Dante talk or cry or sob or.. whatever the poor kid needed to do.. on his own. --Not 'on his own' but.. not having it poured over inside his own head like a manga, at any rate. Was Koty tired and in need of a nap? Hell yeah he was. Was he gonna take one? ..Not unless Dante took one too.

[Dante Russo]

Dante followed Koty's direction without any fuss. He stood up and managed to walk, not minding the arms around him. For once touch seemed comforting. It was hard to remember that he didn't really know this boy. This was only their second meeting, but so much always happened when they were together, and Koty never reacted like it was a big deal. He didn't act like anything was a big deal. Even now. Dante was loosing his shit, and Koty was just as calm now as he'd been before.

Dante sank down onto Koty's bed. The scent of the room reminded him gradually of what had happened last time he was here, but the current flood of emotion drowned out it's significance. That felt like forever ago anyway.

Koty's voice was a distant murmur, but Dante unwittingly followed his direction anyway. He curled up on his side, his arms curled between his chest and his knees, his head tucked down and his hair covered his face. He was unaware of Koty's location in relation to himself, but he wasn't worried. Koty was the least threatening person he knew right now, and even though Koty had attacked him with a knife last time he was here, Dante truly trusted Koty not to harm him. At the moment, at least. Dante's trust was fickle, just like his mood. But right now he still remembered what Koty's thoughts felt like. He remembered the feeling of Koty's motivations and perspectives, and they were safe.

They were peaceful. Safe.

[Koty Hura]

After a moment Dante had done as Koty requested.. Layed down and curled up and.. he at least seemed stable, even if he still wasn't talking or able to let out any of what was stuck in his head under who-knew-how-much pressure. Progress was progress, and a reasonably stable Dante was a Dante who wasn't screaming or running or hurting himself in any number of ways.. and that was good. What was better was that Dante seemed comfortable enough to be like this around Koty. The older boy didn't get the impression that Dante was comfortable in any way around many people.. He'd sure seen a lot of 'discomfort' when he'd been force-fed Dante's precognitive episode. This at least wasn't outward discomfort.. and that, too, was good.

So while Koty had been contemplating Dante's mental state, he'd also been shifting around a bit on the bed.. and Dante would find that a blanket was draped over himself.. Offering warmth, safety, a shield in case Dante wanted it, a way to block out light and noise, and Koty's scent. He slept under this blanket every night, after all. Kinda hard not to have one's scent on the item they slept with daily.

"You do not need to talk if you'd prefer not to. You do not need to cry.. you do not need to do anything.. But I do wish for you to understand that you are safe for the moment. From judgement and from people and from mockery and from everything else. Just acknowledge that you understand this is my intention.. and if you'd like you may sleep or collect your thoughts for as long as you would like." Gah. Contractions. Messy, ugly things.

But Dante hadn't noticed them or he hadn't said anything about them yet.. and even if he did, perhaps they would make Koty seem more like a person and less like.. something else. Perhaps they could be good rather than lazy. At least this once.