First World Reprise (Kai)

[Deleted]

Zach hadn't been able to concentrate at all on his schoolwork. Not since the night he finally put his foot down a broke things off with Kai...whatever it was they had been. Not-boyfriends. Then again....did one really have to say it out loud, put a label on it, for it to be true? He'd seen some people make the claim in their own relationships but how they related to each other seemed to imply that they weren't. And then people who were closer than ever who just wouldn't fess up and say already. Like with himself and Kai...right?

.....okay he lied. Zach hadn't paid any attention to other relationships, he just read about them in books and saw them in movies. Even his normal people watching hadn't been helpful enough to tell Zach what he should do.

Zach really was oblivious when it came to matters of love....

He hadn't even told his family yet...about anything....anything..... Still hadn't talked to Oliver, though that guy was probably going to be glad to hear about it....

Zach just needed to be able to concentrate again and start making progress on his schoolwork. He had deadlines to think about, work to think about, he didn't have time to be depressed about something he wanted to end in the first place. He had no right to be depressed. That's why he was right back in the university library, attempting to find a study room and isolate himself, free of distractions.

He was on his way to the front desk to get a key to an empty study room when he heard a familiar pounding on appliance plastic. Zach told himself to just leave it be, he didn't have to care or pay attention every time someone had an issue with the copy machine....he couldn't help himself though. The pounding was grating and bound to start drawing attention. With a groan to himself he changed trajectories and intervened. "Stop that," he scolded the stupid man who could be thwarted by a stationary device. "You're going to break it." Of course, Zach avoided eye contact with this particular lug as he scowled all over his words. "If it's broken, just tell the person at the front desk and they'll come and fix it. You don't have to keep smacking it like a neanderthal."

[Malachai Roen]

Kai was living two lives at the moment. In public, like at school or work, he was fine - he smiled, talked, joked around like usual. No one would know how much he was covering up what he was feeling. In a way, it was good he'd gotten so used to putting up faces to get people to respond to him how he wanted; no one suspected a thing, no one knew that when classes were over and his shift was done, he went home, threw something in the microwave that he had never used until a week or two ago, and forced himself through homework, although that mostly consisted of staring out the window and checking his phone every five minutes like something was going to change, some sign that this was going to be alright. But nothing did. And so he went on.

He thought it would hurt less by now. He'd had some time to think about things, to adjust to the life of being a father and trying to do what he could to support Vanessa. Christian was a joy, he really was, but... There was still a hole punched through Kai's heart that the baby and his mother and everyone else that Kai knew couldn't fill. And it wasn't getting easier.

It was like... Her... All over again. Only this time it was worse, because Kai had told himself he wasn't going to ever let anyone get that close again. Well, so much for that plan.

He thought the library would be a safe place. Hah, that was a joke. Kai saw Zach everywhere here - all the books, they all reminded him of the writer. Not to mention, it was there they'd first met. At this very spot, in fact, as Kai tried to get the stupid copy machine to work. "Don't do this to me again," he hissed, feeling his eyes pricking with moisture. "I can't... Do this." This was far too much deja vu for him to hand-

Oh, no. Now it was too much. Kai's back straightened and he froze, hearing the familiar voice. It was cold, though. Not the irritated, grumpy voice that Kai was used to. His heart pounded in his chest as he slowly looked back over his shoulder, hit with a shock of emotions upon seeing Zach's face even though he'd known who it was before he looked.

"Sorry," he said quietly, letting his hand fall dumbly to his side. Feeling like a moron, he peeked around the back of the machine to see that, yes, the cord had come unplugged again. Kai sighed, shoving the thing back in; it sprang to life. "Guess I'm damn useless without y-" Shut up. He swallowed hard and scanned the sheet he needed, slowly sending another look Zach's way. "... Thanks." Even though he hadn't really even done anything.

[Deleted]

Was he being too mean? Maybe… even Zach was scared at how cold his own voice was sounding. Not like him at all. Then again, if Zach wasn't at least this firm when talking with Kai, he might….something. Maybe accidentally give Kai the impression that he was miserable without him and wanted nothing more than to….

No, no…Zach couldn't think about that anymore. He couldn't afford to, otherwise he really would get sucked back into that thing they had. Then it'd just be the same thing all over again. Kai was fine, see? He was…fine…

"Yeah…" he said with a nod. "…no problem." Zach stood there awkwardly, like he din't know if he was supposed to say anything more after that or just leave or….he looked away. "Guess….I'll see you." Because there was no doubt they'd encounter each other again. Kind of hard to avoid each other when you went to the same school. At least they worked in different departments.

That was it then. No small talk even, barely an acknowledgement.

Zach went to the front desk, not even 20 feet away from where they were standing, and inquired about the study rooms. His face dropped into a more scowly scowl when the desk lady said they all had been reserved for the rest of the day. He sighed and thanked her anyway. Guess he had to expect that kind of thing to happen when he just dropped in on the spur of the moment. But what now? He could just study in the common areas of the library but….maybe go to the newspaper office? What time was it? Would anyone even be there? With a hand scratching the back of his neck, Zach came walking back in the general direction of the copiers, the library's exit just beyond.

[Malachai Roen]

Well, Kai definitely knew he himself wasn't fine. There was no denying that, as much as he was trying to hide it and stifle it. He was unable to hide the hurt expression on his face, hearing the older man sound so unlike the Zach he was used to.

He stood there equally as awkwardly, shuffling the papers in his hands and looking from the ground to Zach and back again. Should he say something? Do something? Apparently not, because Zach seemed to be dismissing him. "Y-yeah... See you..." he said quietly. The familiar ache in his chest was back. Kai stared at Zach's back as he walked away, wondering how one single person could make him hurt so much over barely anything happening.

He was about to go back up to his study room when the writer's voice caught his attention again. Totally not eavesdropping, he listened in on the conversation, brow furrowing when he heard Zach's plight. Well... Kai had a room, didn't he? Maybe... It wouldn't hurt...

Who was he kidding? There was no way that idea could end well-

"Zach," he burst out before he could change his mind. "I, um, I overheard you, uh, looking for a room..." Kai felt his cheeks heat up, and stared at the papers in his hands, hoping desperately he wasn't going to get his heart punched in again. He risked a glance up. "I... I have a room for the next couple hours, it's a pretty big space and no one else is using it... If you wanted to..." He trailed off. Surely Zach wasn't going to accept. What was he even getting himself into?

[Deleted]

A small part of Zach….okay, a large part of Zach wanted Kai to call him back after Zach just walked away without much another word. That was barely an interaction. It'd been a few weeks since that night and Zach…he'd be lying if he said he hadn't been going as crazy as he was when Kai wasn't answering his phone. And now….Zach was running. He was, but with good reason. And Kai…how much did their relationship(or rather lack thereof) mean to him? Would he…even try to come after him?

The possibility that Kai had completely given up pained him. And that was why Zach needed to end it. Because despite his desperation when Zach had basically told him goodbye, Zach clearly didn't mean as much to Kai as he claimed.

Was Zach the only one who felt anything? Did it even have to be Zach? Or would Kai have just as easily latched onto the next convenient thing that fed his need for attention?

Zach needed to just stop thinking about it. Push Kai from his mind and move on. Nothing was ever going to change if he didn't.

The writer was zoned out in this train of thought when he was broken out of it by Kai's voice speaking his name. He felt his heart flare up a moment. He stopped and turned to face Kai with the same stone glare he had before….which softened a slight when Kai finished his offer.

This was a bad idea….Zach should just say no and leave, find somewhere else. Because….even Zach wasn't that stupid. He knew exactly where this was going to lead if he accepted…..

"Okay…" he heard himself say. "Um…where is…?"

Dammit! Zach was such a weak-willed fool!

[Malachai Roen]

Kai had actually had plenty of opportunities to pick up a pretty thing or two since that night at the bar. He'd started to frequent the places more often (though never the one where... It had happened), and it wasn't uncommon for a stranger to start up a conversation with the tall, well-groomed man. Although, even that was starting to be affected - if one looked closely, they would see that his hair wasn't done as perfectly as usual, and his scruff was starting to grow out a bit. He even wore the same outfit twice in a week sometimes.

Seeing Zach now didn't help at all. Kai had been trying his best to forget about him, but everything he saw, did, remembered, it all reminded him of the writer; he was ingrained in his mind, like a tattoo that had been permanently stamped in. Kai thought it would have gotten easier by now; it hadn't. It had only gotten worse.

He visibly winced as Zach turned his cold stare back onto him, looking away so he didn't notice the older man soften a little. "I'm s-sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, forget-"

Wait, what?

Kai blinked and peered up again, looking incredulous. Had he heard right? Zach agreed? Leaping at the chance, he straightened and motioned to the staircase. "It's just on the next floor," he told him, trying not to look too eager. "I just came down to copy some papers. Um, I can... Show you..." Hoping Zach would follow and not change his mind, Kai turned and slowly started heading back up, almost afraid to look back in case Zach wasn't following.

[Deleted]

This was what he'd been hoping for, right? A simple, subtle invitation. Something that indicated to the writer that Kai was still as interested as he hoped he was….or maybe Zach was just desperate and looking for things that weren't there again. Because…that's pretty much what their whole relationship had been. Kai being horny and Zach going along with it because he just…wanted to…

Sigh….

But Zach knew better. He knew…he had a suspicion that he knew how this was going to turn out. Was he okay with that? Maybe…something different would happen? Or maybe Kai really was just being a gentleman and giving Zach a place where he could study….as if he'd be able to study with Kai in the room. But…if Kai didn't do anything….would that be okay too?

Shit, Zach didn't know, there were just too many things to think about and he didn't want to think about them. And besides…Kai was didn't look as thrilled as Zach thought he would. He probably was just being polite and was hoping that Zach would decline. "Okay," he said, trying to hide his disappointment. He kept his eyes away, avoiding eye contact with the younger man, but followed along behind him anyway. At a neutral pace. Not too fast, he didn't want to walk next to him, but not too slow, he didn't want to fall back too far either. Zach stayed silent the whole way, however.

[Malachai Roen]

What did Kai expect to come of this? Really? That they would talk and everything would turn out alright? That this whole thing would blow over and things would go back to how they used to be? He knew that was impossible. They'd.... Fucking confessed their feelings for each other, for crying out loud. How the hell was he supposed to react to that when Zach pushed him away for good?

At least... At least here was a chance...

Kai didn't know what he was going to do now, though. So he just nodded in response to Zach's one word, nearly creasing the papers in his hand with how hard he was holding them. He stayed quiet until they reached the room, opening the door for Zach to go inside first, head dipped so as not to make eye contact apart from a quick peek. "You can just... Sit wherever..." he murmured. There were some papers strewn around one of the tables, but otherwise the room was empty.

He returned to where he had been earlier, settling down in his chair without another word. How was he supposed to say anything? What could he possibly say? No, silence was the best option at this point. With Kai's luck, he'd end up aggravating Zach just by looking at him the wrong way. And... Kai couldn't help but steal glances, although his gaze immediately dropped if Zach's eyes met his.

[Deleted]

The closer and closer they got to the room the more anxious Zach began to feel. He didn't know what was going to happen or what to expect, just a pretty good idea that was a mixture of both fear and desire. He wanted to…do that, but at the same time he was afraid that that might be the only thing Kai was after. Talking….the best thing to do at this point would be actually trying to talk, but Zach didn't want to do that either. He'd probably just make a fool of himself, getting all mushy and needy on Kai. That guy would probably just find it annoying, being attached to by someone as spineless as Zach.

Zach nodded meekly as Kai directed him inside, taking his advice and just picking a place to sit that seemed….okay. One of the empty tables but noticeably on the other side of the room as Kai. "Thanks…"

What now? Were they supposed to talk? No, no. Zach still had work he had to do, so best concentrate on that and forget that Kai was even there, probably looking at him, but no, why should Zach be so conceited as to believe that Kai was even paying attention? Zach did his best to look everywhere that wasn't at Kai, mostly keeping his eyes on his papers as he pulled them from his bag. Then his laptop. And notebook. Then he had to get his pens out.

….guess….all there was left to do now was actually study.

Against his better judgement, Zach allowed his eyes to slide up to look at the man across the room. Was he just…? No…probably not. He focused his eyes down again on his computer screen. He ought to have been writing something, reading something, looking something up, taking notes…..just doing something! But for the most part, Zach was just staring at the screen, barely focusing on the words his eyes were skimming over. Actually, he'd read the same paragraph about 10 times before he groaned in frustration and pushed his laptop back with a scowl. "Sorry, this was a bad idea." And he started to repack his things.

[Malachai Roen]

Hell, Zach thought he was clingy and needy? Kai had been the one clinging to him when Zach said they needed to end their... Whatever they had, had been the one begging him to give him another chance. If the writer said anything now, no matter how desperate it sounded, Kai would be relieved. It would mean... It would mean this wasn't as over as he'd feared for these past few weeks. The fear that had led him into not taking as much care of himself as he normally did. He wondered if Zach could tell... He wasn't his normal self.

"Yeah, of course..." he murmured softly, watching Zach sit about as far away from him as possible. Kai's heart sank. He was tempted to say something, that there was room elsewhere, but he knew that would be a bad idea.

Kai tried to focus on his work. He really did. It was interesting stuff, and important, too, but with the elephant in the room, it was impossible. He was aware of every breath in he took, ever small noise and move, wondering if Zach would snap at him again. But nothing came.

Nothing until Zach seemed to actually snap, but... Seemingly not at Kai. At least, not exactly. "Huh?" he gaped, staring as he watched the older man start to pack. "No, wait, Zach, please...!" The Asian man stood and started over, before coming to a stop, realizing what he was doing. ".... Did I do something wrong?" he mumbled, keeping some distance between them. ".... I'm sorry, I just...." Kai's gaze fell to the floor. "..... I really miss you, Zach...." He stood hunched, uncertainty clear in his posture, wondering what the hell he should do. Maybe he shouldn't have done anything... But it was too late now.

[Deleted]

If Zach could tell anything different about Kai’s appearance or attitude then he wasn’t admitting it to himself. Because if he saw it, then he’d have to consider that he was just overreacting to everything as a whole. But logically, he also knew that if he gave in just the littlest bit…things probably wouldn’t change. They wouldn’t be any different than how they were before, there’d just be a label put on it. Zach was afraid, and he didn’t even want to admit what he was afraid of. Just like he didn’t want to admit that he was in love with Kai. Just like he didn’t want to admit he enjoyed the games that they played, or that he enjoyed when Kai was a pushy bastard, or a number of other things that went completely against what Zach thought was normal for himself.

Again, Zach just wanted to stop. Ignore the problem and pretend it wasn’t there. Run away from it. He just had to get out of there before his resolve wavered again. this was just too hard!

He pretended to not hear Kai’s protests as he continued to put his things back into his bag. He was actually packing things faster than he had unloaded them. If Zach didn’t get out of there quickly, then Kai was probably going to….

”I really miss you, Zach…”

There it was. Zach stopped, feeling the rushing need to get out of there suddenly dissipate. Instead it was replaced with a lethargic wave of despair. His arms were shaking as he kept his grip onto his things yet made no further move to put them away or aside. Zach didn’t know what to do and that was making his own heart into nothing but a muddled mess. “….I don’t know what to do anymore,” he said, drooping his head to look at the space between his knees and the table. “I can’t stand being away from you but…” He looked up at Kai. “…I can’t take it…being with you either. I don’t know what you want me to do…!” Zach could feel his throat starting to sting along with his eyes, but he held it back…as best he could.

[Malachai Roen]

Unlike Zach, Kai was usually one that liked to address problems and try to figure out the best ways to solve them. At least... For the most part. Relationships were where things got sticky, especially since he'd had his heart broken a couple years back, and he was still wounded and uncertain when it came to emotional intimacy rather than just... Physical. But he got attached more easily than he would like to admit, and Zach had been around long enough that that attachment had gone beyond the type he normally had for his casual hookups and had turned into... Love?

Fuck... Kai didn't know any more. Especially not since Zach had told him... He'd told him....

He said nothing as Zach stopped packing, but Kai felt a small thrill in his chest seeing that his words had at least slowed his leaving. Hesitantly, he came closer, until only an empty chair separated the two. His eyes were pleading, his hands wavering in midair, as though uncertain of what to do. "I don't know either," he whispered, flattening his palm against the table and digging in his nails, brow furrowed and tense. His gaze lifted up to stare at Zach as he continued to speak, feeling his heart squeeze and ache hearing those words. "Th... These past few weeks have been hell, Zach," he croaked. "I thought it would get easier after the initial thing, but..."

He shook his head, drooping forward again. "I don't know what I want!" he cried out softly. Kai's jaw tensed, and he fell silent, trying to think of something, anything to say. "No... I know... I know I need you in my life," he finally murmured. "This... This pain isn't going away, no matter how hard I try... Not to think about you..." Nervously, and grimacing as though expecting a recoil, Kai shifted forward and stepped before the older man, bringing his hand up to cup Zach's cheek in his palm. "I'll... I'll do anything if you'll just... Just give me another chance," he begged. "No games, no flirting with other people, just... Just you." Who was the clingy, desperate one now?

[Deleted]

Confrontation was clearly not Zachary Bishop’s strong point. He liked to pretend that there was nothing wrong for as long as possible. If he couldn’t do it in the presence of the problem, then he would avoid the problem. In this case, he needed to avoid Kai, because clearly he was the entire problem and not Zach’s unwillingness to address the problem. He thought he had! He told Kai what needed to happen and that was that, that’s what Zach needed to stay sane after the months of insanity he’d been trying to work through.

While Kai was feeling that small glimmer of hope on the horizon, Zach too busy shaking in his boots to see anything except the uncomfortable situation he’d put himself in and that was quickly approaching him from the side.

His face continued to fall as he felt his insides crush upon hearing the obvious strife in Kai’s voice. So he was feeling….just like Zach. Dammit, Zach didn’t need to know that. It was easier when he thought that Kai was fine….wasn’t it?

No, it didn’t matter, he thought as he listened to Kai pour his heart out to the young writer. Even if Kai believed everything he was saying, all the promises he was giving in the hopes that Zach would just fall back into his arms like usual….Zach couldn’t do that. Did Kai even realize why? “Kai…” he started hoarsely, then cleared his throat before continuing. “Would…if you were me…me knowing who you are….the kind of person you are…would you believe anything you just said?” A few months ago, Zach wouldn’t have still, but might’ve at least given Kai the chance he was asking for. Though, in Zach’s mind, Kai had already used them all up. “I’d been giving you chances, Kai.” He shook his head, looking down again and pulling away from Kai’s touch. “I don’t know how you haven’t seen that.”

[Malachai Roen]

Kai was a person that oftentimes could be oblivious to the feelings of those around him, especially if said person was doing a shit job of expressing himself in the first place. Take, Zach Bishop. One of the reasons Kai did like him so much was that he was different, confusing, made Kai feel all sorts of things and gave him a challenge. Apparently that challenge wasn't something that Kai was up for, considering how this whole thing had turned out.

But... Kai couldn't just go and pretend he was fine, especially not with Zach here in front of him. What the hell had either of them expected? Kai never should have invited him in here, never should have...

No... No, he had to. Kai had to address this before he went crazy with not knowing what would happen if they at least tried to just... Be in each other's lives to some extent.

He stayed silent as Zach spoke, his expression falling as he listened to what he was saying. "I...." He had to think about this. Would he? Kai tried to think about this from the writer's point of view. "I... Maybe not..." he finally mumbled, toying with the sleeve of his shirt. "But... But I can't make that decision for you. I'm not just... Saying this stuff..." He took in a deep breath and let it out in a rush, looking up at Zach. "I know I've been shitty when it came to being with you, but..."

Kai swallowed, letting his hand drop as Zach pulled away from him. "But that was before I knew you lo- before I knew how you felt. I thought you just... Were around for a casual relationship, you know? That's all I've had since Rosalee-"

He stopped suddenly as his throat tightened. Memories flashed before him and Kai turned away a bit, suddenly reclusive. "I didn't want to admit to myself how I felt about you, before you said..." Kai shook his head, pressing his palms to his face. "I didn't want... I was scared of getting too attached, in case you were just going to leave eventually anyway, like... She did..." And yet somehow, this seemed to hurt more than that relationship ever had. "... I'm sorry...."

[Deleted]

Okay, so Zach was bad at expressing himself, it wasn’t like he got a lot of practice in that department back in high school or like, ever. He stayed out of contact with people and had friendships that were based on mutual awkwardness. Or overbearing, insensitive pushiness. No, Zach was not good at expressing himself or what he wanted, which was one reason why he got so frustrated with Kai because the guy was just an oblivious ignoramus who didn’t know how to take a freaking hint!

Though it was true that Zach probably didn’t do much to make it easier for Kai…

No, this was not Zach’s fault. Kai was the one who…

Zach sighed. At least he could be pleased about the fact that Kai was making the effort to understand, instead of just dismissing how hard this was for Zach to figure out. That was a plus. It wasn’t enough but…it was something, at least. Right? “So…you get that it’s hard for me to….just because you say so doesn’t mean….” He wished he had the guts to finish his sentences. He felt like if he did, then things would definitely be over.

He stayed silent for the next few moments, letting Kai finish, listening to his excuses. Zach got it, that he was trying but…what he said struck that nerve that just proved exactly why Zach needed to get out of this.

Zach looked up again, his face twisted in bewildered pain. He couldn’t believe…is that really what Kai thought of him? “Kai….” he stared. His voice was tense. “I…invited you over for Christmas at my family’s house. I’ve essentially ruined my relationship with two of my best friends because…of my involvement with you. I let myself get the first B I’ve ever gotten since high school just so you could take me shopping. I lost sleep and pretty near lost my mind because I didn’t know if you were alive or dead or just sick of and ignoring me for what…I don’t even remember anymore how long it was! And then I show up at your apartment like some sort of crazy stalker! I have clothes at your apartment! I was one step away from moving in with you…!” By this point, Zach had stood from his seat and was just a decibel shy of yelling. He felt a stream of tears finally fall from his eyes as his face continued to contort in some complex mask of disbelief, pain, and anger. “And you think…all of that….was casual!?”

That was just proof that Kai hadn’t heard a word that Zach had said after that stupid drunken mistake. Zach zipped up his bag and picked up the rest of his things. His lip was quivering. “…goodbye, Kai.” Zach turned away.