Tell Them I Was Happy, and My Heart Is Broken (Zach)

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It was, in all honestly, so much harder than it seemed to say those words than it would have been to simply accept Kai’s apologies and promises and try again right where they left off. Lord knows he wanted to…well, he did and he didn’t. He wanted to just dive right back in with things the way they were, but Zach had to remember, he had to keep reminding himself, that there was a reason he broke things off in the first place. It may have been an impulsive action at the time, in response to the revelation of the child Christian, but the more he though about it over the weeks they’d been apart, however painful it was, the more he could see that he wasn’t wrong.

Not wrong in him recognizing that there was something not right about their situation and something had to change. Though in truth, despite the reassurances he’d gotten from Jade and his sister, Zach felt that he held some responsibility as well, in that he let their relationship(or whatever it was) progress the way it did against his better judgement.

Zach shouldn’t have kissed Kai. He loved it, he enjoyed it, but all that calm that he was a few moments ago was now starting to swell up in his want to simply throw himself at the the younger man, consequences be damned…heh, Zach wouldn’t have been able to do that anyway. He was far too shy a person for that.

But also, he shouldn’t have kissed him, because while it expressed exactly how he felt for Kai, Zach hadn’t thought about how it would lead him on. No, he got the man’s hopes up unnecessarily…then again, just being here probably did that all by itself.

Zach swallowed, his throat suddenly feeling dry in his nervousness. There…that face was what he wanted to avoid, he thought as he looked upon Kai’s disappointment. “I don’t know,” he mumbled, lowering his eyes. “….you…you make it sound so easy, and I don’t know if it is.” It probably was…maybe? It just seemed too simple a solution…and for some reason, the fact that Kai was suggesting it made his heart sink. Didn’t….didn’t Kai wan’t to do those things? The way he so easily abandoned their former relationship in favor of this “new” one seemed….it stung. How could he say he didn’t want Zach that way so easily after he was just moments before trying to convince Zach to get back together? “Fine…” he said after a long pause, the tension in his jaw tightening as he tried to hold back. “We’ll do it like that. Friends only. Nothing more.”

[Malachai Roen]

The only thing that was keeping Kai from wanting to immediately get back together was Zach's own feelings about the situation. He knew it was his fault for driving the writer away; the pushiness, the cockiness, everything. At least, this is what he had convinced himself. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to hear that Zach wasn't interested in going back to the way they were - a stupid incident like this didn't change anything that had happened. Hell, there was still a baby and his mother involved in the situation, and Kai had grown closer to them both in the time he hadn't seen Zach. They hadn't replaced the writer's presence, but Kai had started to try to fill that hole in his life with them as much as he could.

He wondered if it would have been better had Zach not come to see him at all. But then Kai realized... No, it wouldn't have. He never would have gotten any sort of closure if they'd just split and never even talked again. This way, at least, they could try to figure out what they were, and what they weren't. And as hard as it was going to be for Kai to squelch his feelings (especially given the intimate moment they had just shared), he was going to force himself to do the best he could. For Zach's sake.

".... I know..." he replied quietly with a sigh. "I... I don't know what else to do at this point, though... I can't just... Not have you in my life, one way or another." He wondered if Zach felt the same about him, or if he just felt bad for Kai and was doing this out of pity. Kai hadn't asked him if he'd found someone else, after all. "Okay," he mumbled, shifting back on his bed as he tried to hide how much he was still hurting. "Friends... Yeah."

.... Fuck, how was he supposed to do that? He couldn't just ignore what they'd been through, could he? All the intimate, passionate moments they'd shared? Kai let out a harsh breath, burying his face in his hands before inhaling quietly and dropping them back to his lap. "Thanks for coming to visit me," he said a little hollowly, unsure of what else to say at this point.

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“Okay…friends,” he echoed, trying to mask the tension in his voice.

Could he do this? Stand to see Kai on a regular basis as “just friends”? The thought seemed completely foreign to him simply because it was Kai. Because it was Kai…because Kai too often keep his hands to himself…and because Zach wasn’t sure he wanted him to. Though he knew that was probably best. Especially since Zach knew that having Kai out of his life for the short time he had already was just as hard as having him in his life had been…probably even harder. No…definitely harder. Zach hadn’t felt that upset and depressed and volatile since high school.

But being in the same room, knowing that nothing was going to happen… Zach was afraid something was going to happen anyway, yet if nothing did, then what did that meant? Was it because Kai was actually being respectful, or because he had lost interest? Zach wished his power was to read minds instead of what he already had…

His hands had closed tightly into fists and his jaw remained locked as the writer nodded in response to Kai’s thanks. There was…nothing else to say, was there? “Yeah….I should probably go,” he decided. Before things got even more awkward. They’d see each other again, right? They just needed…a little bit of time for this to sink in so they could move forward. Next they saw each other, it wouldn’t be so hard…right?

Zach stood slowly, unclenching his fists and sliding his hand into his front pockets. “It was good seeing you,” he said with his usual, awkwardly flat smile. He nodded down at Kai for a moment longer before turning to step away.

[Malachai Roen]

... Kai really hoped he could pull this off. Already he wasn't so sure. But he had to. He had to, otherwise Zach would probably just refuse to see him at all and they'd go right back to where they'd been until today. No matter how hard it was... He wouldn't push him for anything.

It didn't mean he wouldn't want to spend more time with Zach again and probably treat him on occasion, if Zach let him. Already he had an idea in mind that he'd been looking into lately that he was pretty sure would make the writer happy.

"Okay," he replied, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. Kai didn't want Zach to leave, but what else could they say? They... Really should have some time to just adjust to this new... Whatever it was.

He lifted his eyes and met Zach's, his chest aching as he gazed at that familiar face with longing. "Yeah, you too," he murmured. "I'll... See you soon."

And then he was gone, and Kai slumped back on his cot, finally allowing the entirety of the whole situation to crash over him and make him wonder what the hell he'd just gotten himself into.