i can feel my heart...it's breaking
Jul 20, 2014 8:53:39 GMT -5
Post by Percie Hobbes on Jul 20, 2014 8:53:39 GMT -5
Percie had cried at the doctor's office.
She had sobbed in her car in the parking lot before pulling herself together enough to drive home whimpering.
She managed to make it up to her bedroom with the sort of single-mindedness associated with zombies before throwing herself down on her bed and wrapping her arms around her middle, legs pulled up as if to protect something that would never be there. She had gone to the doctor's assuming she was pregnant due to a rather embarrassing omission of reasoning that first night she'd been with Derek.
But that was not the news weighing her down as she left.
She was infertile.
She was barren.
She would never have children.
It wasn't fair.
After being a detective, being a mother was what she wanted the most in her life. She wanted a huge family with however many kids she was able of bearing...now that number sat a huge zero. She began to cry again, her wails muffled into her pillow as she came to terms with this new, very difficult transition. She assumed pregnancy would happen eventually, that she would decide that it was time and get it done and then nine months later there would be a child. She hadn't thought of having a partner at the time, when she had children was her decision, if there was someone in her life at the time then she would have someone to share the joy with.
But there was no one.
Perhaps that's what made the hurt worse. She was here crying...alone. There was no partner or lover to offer condolences, there was no one here to care for her in the aftermath of this tragic news. She could go to her parents but she felt deep, indescribable shame and she didn't want to face the yet. She knew her shame was ridiculous, but it didn't make it any less real, didn't make her guilt any less tangible. Had she somehow caused this? Her doctor had told her that her case was unexplainable...that 20% of infertility reasons were unexplainable even with today's modern medical technology.
She screamed agony into her pillow and cried harder. It wasn't fair. She could take life out of this world (and had) but she couldn't deliver it, that wasn't fair, not after everything she'd been through, not after the things she'd seen. Not after thinking through ALL OF IT that someday she'd have a child and she'd guide it, raise it with love and teach it to love others because there were so many people in the world who just needed someone to love them. She would never feel the joy of life growing inside her, there was nothing there to grow.
She squeezed herself tighter and rubbed her teary eyes against the soft fabric of her sheets. Her chest felt like it was on fire, every bone in her body quivered from the force of her sobs. All she could feel was pain and shame and guilt. Even when she eventually exhausted herself into slumber her dreams offered no solace.
She woke up crying despite not having any more tears to spend. Her head raged and throbbed. "I would have loved you, I would have loved you so much," she thought despondently to the children she would never bear. She curled in tighter to herself. Was this a sign? Was this some sort of cosmic decree that she was unfit for motherhood? Her application to be a foster parent was already in the mail. She had decided that despite not having a secretary currently she would make time for a child in her life. Would it come back with her rejection? Was she doomed?
Uncertainty had never sat well with the normally confident detective. She hated it, she hated this and she was angry, so very, very angry at the injustice of it. There were unfit mothers out there, she knew this for a fact and they got to have children that they abused, or starved or killed because it suited them, and she couldn’t have any at all.
How was that justice?
She couldn't understand; everything in her world was crumbling as something she had always assumed was fact became nothing but fantasy.
And it broke her into a thousand pieces.
She had sobbed in her car in the parking lot before pulling herself together enough to drive home whimpering.
She managed to make it up to her bedroom with the sort of single-mindedness associated with zombies before throwing herself down on her bed and wrapping her arms around her middle, legs pulled up as if to protect something that would never be there. She had gone to the doctor's assuming she was pregnant due to a rather embarrassing omission of reasoning that first night she'd been with Derek.
But that was not the news weighing her down as she left.
She was infertile.
She was barren.
She would never have children.
It wasn't fair.
After being a detective, being a mother was what she wanted the most in her life. She wanted a huge family with however many kids she was able of bearing...now that number sat a huge zero. She began to cry again, her wails muffled into her pillow as she came to terms with this new, very difficult transition. She assumed pregnancy would happen eventually, that she would decide that it was time and get it done and then nine months later there would be a child. She hadn't thought of having a partner at the time, when she had children was her decision, if there was someone in her life at the time then she would have someone to share the joy with.
But there was no one.
Perhaps that's what made the hurt worse. She was here crying...alone. There was no partner or lover to offer condolences, there was no one here to care for her in the aftermath of this tragic news. She could go to her parents but she felt deep, indescribable shame and she didn't want to face the yet. She knew her shame was ridiculous, but it didn't make it any less real, didn't make her guilt any less tangible. Had she somehow caused this? Her doctor had told her that her case was unexplainable...that 20% of infertility reasons were unexplainable even with today's modern medical technology.
She screamed agony into her pillow and cried harder. It wasn't fair. She could take life out of this world (and had) but she couldn't deliver it, that wasn't fair, not after everything she'd been through, not after the things she'd seen. Not after thinking through ALL OF IT that someday she'd have a child and she'd guide it, raise it with love and teach it to love others because there were so many people in the world who just needed someone to love them. She would never feel the joy of life growing inside her, there was nothing there to grow.
She squeezed herself tighter and rubbed her teary eyes against the soft fabric of her sheets. Her chest felt like it was on fire, every bone in her body quivered from the force of her sobs. All she could feel was pain and shame and guilt. Even when she eventually exhausted herself into slumber her dreams offered no solace.
She woke up crying despite not having any more tears to spend. Her head raged and throbbed. "I would have loved you, I would have loved you so much," she thought despondently to the children she would never bear. She curled in tighter to herself. Was this a sign? Was this some sort of cosmic decree that she was unfit for motherhood? Her application to be a foster parent was already in the mail. She had decided that despite not having a secretary currently she would make time for a child in her life. Would it come back with her rejection? Was she doomed?
Uncertainty had never sat well with the normally confident detective. She hated it, she hated this and she was angry, so very, very angry at the injustice of it. There were unfit mothers out there, she knew this for a fact and they got to have children that they abused, or starved or killed because it suited them, and she couldn’t have any at all.
How was that justice?
She couldn't understand; everything in her world was crumbling as something she had always assumed was fact became nothing but fantasy.
And it broke her into a thousand pieces.
