Dear James, Advice Please? [Morgy and James]

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan was the most fortunate of the fortunate when it came to free time during his day. His planning period was scheduled right after his lunch, so he had extended free time. Unfortunately, Morgan had spent all of his free time in the past several days thinking of Jake. Granted it wasn’t a bad thing to be thinking about Jake but it was just…different. Morgan didn’t really know what to do. He didn’t want to stop thinking about Jake but he…didn’t really know what the next step should be, or what the hell to think about himself. Was he gay? Was he bi? Was there a word for it?

Rather than pull his hair out, as he had planned to do with his lunch break, Morgan resolved to seek advice. He contemplating speaking to Sean, but it felt a little awkward. It was like talking to Dad. And Morgan had never really talked to “Dad” because he didn’t have Dad, he just had some sperm donor out there. Rather than that, Morgan decided he’d go to a peer, someone he figured had experience with…switching teams? Morgan made a face. What a terrible term. This was all so confusing.

His face was already a nervous pink when he knocked on the door to James Campbell’s office. James. Yes. Closer to his age. Married (lucky bastard. Morgan could only hope to be married someday eventually). Married to Chase. But Morgan knew James had had another family previous to meeting Chase. One with a woman. Granted, he hadn’t known what had happened, but maybe James could offer a few words of advice on what to do about Jake?

He bit his lip slightly, leaning his forehead on the cool glass to try and quiet the blush on his face. He wasn’t sure why he was so embarrassed…other than the fact he was about to talk his love-life with a co-worker…during work hours. In the school. In an office he had once been in when he went to said school. Morgan’s stomach turned into knots. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea?

[Dr. James Campbell]

James usually had more stuff to do during the day than this. But in the intervening days between when he'd been attacked and now, his recruiters had all taken on extra work. (Honestly, he was a little thankful that he didn't have to type as much, because it hurt.) He and Chase had briefly discussed the possibility of him staying at home until his hands healed, but honestly, James was a little freaked out about being alone, and if he was safe anywhere, he was safe at Hammel.

Yes, that was where it had happened. Yes, that freaked him out as well.

So he just wanted some sort of normalcy. He needed something, anything to keep his mind off of how his hands ached and how he was even more jumpy, more nervous than usual. The knock on the door made him start, but he quickly calmed down and called out "come in."

When Morgan entered, he offered the man a smile. He scanned the teacher, noting almost-instantly that he looked worried, but not in a particularly frightened or sad way. (He knew that look all too well.) "Hello Morgan. What's wrong?"

Hopefully, it would be something he could fix. It would be nice to be the one solving problems again, instead of finding himself in the middle of them.

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan entered at James’ soft beckoning, and smiled nervously. He never bothered hiding his emotions in general, but he certainly didn’t bother trying to keep anything from James. James had that eye. He just knew when something was up. Obviously is ability had something to do with it, but Morgan sometimes felt that James would have that eye even if his genes didn’t enhance it beyond human.

He awkwardly stuck his hands in his pockets after closing the door behind him, sure to leave as little mess behind him as possible. Morgan tried to be considerate about James’ OCD, but they were practically polar opposites. Morgan didn’t mind a little mess; he embraced it. James required control in all aspects. Morgan had lost control in that bar a week or more ago…to a guy named Jake.

Morgan cleared his throat and sat down, smiling genially. “Well nothing’s really wrong I don’t think…” His eyes cut nervously to the side and he grumbled something about not really knowing anymore. “Seriously I just need some…personal…advice. That’s all.” He explained, smiling shyly. He shrugged and rubbed his palms against his knees, finally beginning to settle down. “Frankly I didn’t know who to ask…but you seemed like my best bet.”

Relaxing slightly, Morgan perched an ankle on the opposite knee. His toes curled and uncurled in his shoes, but otherwise the only nervous gesture he had was chewing his lip.

[Dr. James Campbell]

Okay, so maybe Morgan Tonaya coming in to ask him for personal advice wasn't what would typically pass for "normalcy" in James' life. But it wasn't someone freaking out about his hands, his job, or his family, so he was going to take what he was offered. Something about having his life spin out of control was making him want to "fix" someone else's problems. And though he would quite easily admit that he had plenty of issues of his own to deal with, whatever was going on with the history teacher would probably be a simpler fix.

"Okay, then, what's up then?" Nothing wrong, something personal, and James was his best bet for advice.

Something did not compute.

Yes, James was somewhat of a father figure to quite a few of the students, Misato Hazukashi being notable among them. But he didn't have the same kind of relationship with his coworkers. In fact, most of them he had either: 1. slept with, or 2. nagged about cleaning up the staff room before they left. And one of the major culprits of that offense was Morgan. (And Darryl too.)

So what could it be that made him the best suited for advice? A few thoughts came to mind, but the first few could be dismissed because if Morgan had been attacked, it would qualify as "something wrong." The next one made James wince inwardly and he cautiously guessed, "Did you get someone pregnant?"

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan, as usual, was having a painfully hard time putting his feelings for Jake into words. They weren’t really feelings feelings, but they were…y’know..friendly feelings. Friendly enough to make out with Jake shirtless. And whatever else he wouldn’t remember from that evening.

That was the real reason he had come to James for advice. Not only did he not know how to admit to himself and the entire world that he liked Jake beyond how friends liked each other, but he didn’t know how to approach Jake about their extra friendly encounter. Also, Morgan didn’t know what the hell should be done with his shirt. How was he supposed to get it back to him and also avoid the awkward encounter?

He was about to open his mouth and try to put his problem into words, but the only sound that broke forth was “Uhh…” before James dropped his guess. Morgan blanched, his hand gripping his knee tightly.

“NO!” Morgan shrieked almost immediately, twitching nervously and looking absolutely horrified. God he loved kids, but he was not ready for them. And until he was he was going to make damn sure none of his little soldiers made it to home base. He cleared his throat shyly. “No…No. I mean---No. I didn’t.” He emphasized, scratching the back of his neck. “Last time I checked you can’t get a guy pregnant.” Morgan added quietly, unable to look James in the fact. His face was burning up, and he was certain it had something to do with the thermostat…not just uncontrollable shyness.

[Dr. James Campbell]

Morgan's reaction was almost enough to have justified what James had said. He hadn't intended to get such a...violent reaction from the blond man. It was just the first problem that had popped into his head that he was qualified to give advice about.

And what the other man said next was also a surprise. "Oh, I'm sorry, Morgan. I wasn't aware that you were in a relationship." He also wasn't aware that the younger man was attracted to men as well, but who was he to judge for that? And unless he'd ended up with an STI or something--which would absolutely qualify as something bad--he figured it wouldn't have anything to do with that.

Perhaps James was just naive, but he was used to people generally being accepting of him and his family. No one cared that he was gay, so why would he care if Morgan was dating a man, other than to be happy for his colleague? "So what is up then, Morgan?"

[Morgan Tonaya]

If Morgan could have melted into the chair, simply disappeared, he would have. His face burned brightly and he sank slightly in his seat, trying to hide from the embarrassment. James was being as helpful as he could when Morgan was skirting so blatantly around the issue. He really ought to just come out and say it…but it was difficult!

“m’not in a relationships.” He admitted quietly. “At least not that I remember.” Sighing heavily, Morgan folding his hands and took a deep breath. Moment of truth. Literally. “I met this guy…when I was playing a show.” He started. Okay. That was easy. It wouldn’t be so hard to talk this out after all! His stomach turned in knots for a moment, but he relaxed. “He gave me his number…and then Friday he came over.”

Now it was getting difficult to talk. Morgan couldn’t tell if his pulse was racing because of the memories or because he hadn’t told anyone yet. He hadn’t even told Darryl (oh god, he couldn’t imagine telling the slightly-homophobic Darryl that he totally-definitely made out with man and maybe-possibly slept with one too). Chewing his lip and remaining silent for a moment, Morgan’s eyes cut to James. Hopefully he could fill in if he just admitted to the worst decision of the night. “I don’t hold my liquor very well.” He conceded, skipping over the entire re-cap of the evening to what he perceived as the actual problem.

“He left his shirt in my living room” Morgan finally said in a hurried tone. “And I don’t know what to do with it.”

Had it occurred to Morgan that he wasn’t making any sense at all, he simply would have left the room. Had this been any woman, Morgan probably would have been fine. Sure he would have been a bit shy about having to return a shirt to a woman he’d just met…but something about Jake made him skittish and flustered. More so than usual. Even talking about Jake reduced him to a babbling mess.

[Dr. James Campbell]

James nodded, waiting patiently for Morgan to continue.

...

When it became obvious that Morgan had finished his story, James just cocked an eyebrow at him. "Well, you still have his number, right? Call and give it back to him." It took another moment for him to understand that there was a problem. Though, for the life of him, he couldn't guess what it was.

"Did...did you offend him or something? Do you not want to see him again?" He could tell that Morgan was burning with embarrassment, and he knew there had to be a reason for that. But...what was it? Slowly, it began to dawn on him that it wasn't so much the shirt, but whose it was that was bothering the blond man.

When he figured it out, James blinked, then asked, "You think this makes you gay, don't you?"

[Morgan Tonaya]

God James was so…so….blunt about everything. Morgan felt about two inches tall for no apparent reason. His toes curled uncomfortably in his shoes, and he actually appeared to be in pain when he shifted in his seat. “No? Yeah?…I don’t know.” Morgan finally said with exasperation, throwing up his hands and leaning back.

“I just…I know I’m…” He gestured vaguely. Why was it so hard to describe how he felt when Jake was around? It wasn’t like the words weren’t there. “I’m attracted to him.” There. Those words. But they didn’t seem quite right. There seemed like there was something more. Jake brought out something in Morgan he wasn’t familiar with. It was sort of terrifying. “I know that, I just…”

He sighed and leaned forward slightly, bracing his elbows against James desk. “How did you know you wanted to be with Chase?” He finally asked, his face set in a rather serious expression. “I mean how did you….when did you decide it would be worth it to…” Frustrated Morgan sighed and leaned back in his chair again, the rocking back and forth starting to make him dizzy. Chewing his cheek thoughtfully for a moment he looked out the window, searching for something coherent in the panes of glass.

“I’ve never been attracted to a man, Jake being the exception. But it doesn’t feel wrong.” He said slowly, speaking from his heart. “I don’t want people to look at me differently, like I’d been hiding something all my life.” Morgan cut his eyes back to James, blinking slowly as he seemed to reach the revelation as he spoke the words. “I don’t feel any different. And I guess…I guess I’m expecting something to change or something to have already changed...because of Jake.”

[Dr. James Campbell]

Morgan's awkward rambling was almost adorable. James managed to keep a straight face through most of it. There was a reason he'd put a lgbt safe zone sticker on the window in the door, even if he hadn't expected to have to give advice to one of his coworkers. But his face fell when the blond man asked about when he decided it would be "worth it."

How did he know about that? Adam said he hadn't told anyone.

Before he could question him, Morgan started talking again. James nodded, understanding that feeling. He'd had it, though he'd finally recognized that yes, he'd been in denial. Though that had been almost twenty years ago now, he still knew that feeling. So he decided to address that first.

"Morgan, first of all, you're in one of the most accepting places on the planet. No one is going to freak out on you about it." It had taken Chase a little while to get used to that too. "And things probably aren't going to change dramatically for you. Yes, it is possible that you're gay and you're only just realizing it, but I don't think that's what's happening. Maybe this Jake has just made you realize that you're also sometimes attracted to men. Or maybe you're straight, except for Jake." James shrugged, knowing that people were often skeptical about that last option. "Hell, I'd sleep with Allison Janney in a second if I had the chance. But I don't think anyone is going to call me less gay because of it." (Okay, yes, there is a hell of a double standard there, but James didn't think it should exist, so he was ignoring it.)

But now, James had to clear something up. "And how the hell did you find out about Adam?"

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan was curious if it was “worth it” to have to go through explaining your sexuality to people. But he hadn’t wanted to mention something like that when it sounded so…stupid. Frankly, Morgan was already agreeing with James before he even but his opinion out there. Hearing his concerns said aloud to someone else helped him realize how useless they were.

Managing to relax a bit, Morgan actually chuckled some at the Allison Janney comment. “You’re right.” He admitted, which he was sure James heard a lot. He knew almost everything there was to know about the institute (with the exception of whatever Claude didn’t tell anyone) and things rarely slipped by his attentions. James probably just got used to being right all the time. Lucky.

It hadn’t even occurred to Morgan that ‘straight except for Jake’ was even an option. Why did there have to be so many options anyway? “I guess I’ve just never felt like I had to think about what my orientation was…” He grunted, scratching his head in thought. “Or my orientation. Period.” Forlornly, he smiled at James. “Not sure why I thought it was so important in the first place.” He laughed gently and shook his head, shrugging. “Jake just sorta…shakes me up. I suppose.”

Surprised at James’ sudden change of subject and the intensity of his question, Morgan blinked. “Uh…Adam who?” Morgan said slowly, convinced James was aware of something he wasn’t. Few people knew about the drama between Adam, James, and Chase, and Morgan was at the top of the list of those people. Not only had he been on the other side of the country, but he’d never had a close relationship with any of the three men. How was he supposed to know something had happened? “And how do you know that I know about Adam when I don’t even know I know about Adam?” He questioned in return, smiling slightly.

Morgan’s nerves always showed when he smiled too much. He was a nervous laugher as well, but he wasn’t quite to that point…yet.

[Dr. James Campbell]

James didn't really explain his sexuality. If someone saw the wedding band on his finger and asked about his wife, he would simply correct them and move on. He found that it was easiest to pretend that no one ever found his family unusual. Usually, that was all it took. And they really were in one of the best places to be "different" in the country.

He offered a weak smile and a shrug when Morgan said he was right. In his experience, that was usually the case. But this was one thing he'd become used to thinking about over the past seventeen years. And though he might not have been trained to work with people the way Sean had, he felt qualified. "Morgan, that's fine. It's okay to reconsider your orientation, or even for it to change. And it's fine that this guy 'shakes you up'." More than anything else, he wanted the other man to understand that it really was okay to be freaked out about it, even if he didn't really have anything to be freaked out about. "And if he's what making you grin like that, you should absolutely call him again."

"Adam who?"

The confused look on Morgan's face quickly told James he had jumped to the wrong conclusion with both feet. Blushing suddenly, he fiddled with the papers on his desk, making sure each of the three stacks had perfectly aligned edges and were parellal to the stack beside it. "I'm sorry, I misunderstood...please forget I said anything about anyone named Adam. Anyway, I knew I wanted to be with Chase after the first time I talked to him. We met while I was recruiting in his hometown, and a few weeks later I went back and convinced him to come back to Vermont with me. I just knew I loved him, but there was no moment I can point to saying 'this is what did it.'" That was...a severely truncated summary of the sequence of events, but if Morgan didn't already know about Adam, James sure as hell wasn't telling. "And what did you mean by "Was it worth it?"

[Morgan Tonaya]

At this point, Morgan was totally lost. His confused face remained frozen on his features, and the shuffling James made of the papers was the only sound in the room for quite a bit of time. Or at least it seemed that way. Awkward silenced always lasted forever as far as Morgan was concerned. When James apologized, Morgan just shifted awkwardly and offered a lopsided smile. “Uh…yeah s-sure.” He stammered absently.

Though his curiosity gnawed at him, Morgan didn’t bother asking who Adam was and why James seemed so concerned about it. If it was any of his business, James would have said something. Morgan let it go easily, smiling placidly at James’ spark notes version of his romance with Chase. “Wow, that’s really beautiful, James.” He said sincerely. He’d always envied married couples, having always wanted to find ‘the One’ for himself, so hearing James talk of just knowing…well it made a dreamy smile spread over his face.

Morgan tapped his lips with a finger, laughing a bit at himself. “Well it sounds stupid the more I think about it but I…I had wondered if it was worth it to have to answer all kinds of questions about a relationship; to justify it to everyone.” He shrugged. “But now I can’t think of why it wouldn’t, or why on earth something like that needs to be justified.”
He titled his head to regard James with a thoughtful grin. “I feel like a teenager.” He finally said, laughing a bit. “Thank you though, you’ve helped a lot just by sitting there.” He said graciously, sweeping his hand in James’ general direction. Morgan couldn’t say that his attraction to Jake didn’t still feel…different…but he didn’t feel as awkward as he had before. This had definitely been a good idea.

Arching an eyebrow, Morgan folded his hands in his lap. “Speaking of teenagers…does this happen to you a lot?” He asked, curious if students came in to discuss their awkward failure to cope with their own sexuality.

[Dr. James Campbell]

Well, that was awkward.

James--who was still on edge about, okay, pretty much everything--had assumed the worst from Morgan's question. If he'd had to answer what he'd though the question was, it would have been yes, but he would have blushed fiercely while saying it. (Actually, he was blushing pretty fiercely now.) He regretted the fact that he had cheated on Adam, and that his first time(s) with Chase had been tainted by that. But it had been worth it. He'd fallen deeply, and completely, in love.

And as it surely was none of Morgan's business, James was quite happy that the blond man was willing to drop it in favor of hearing the abridged version of his love story. He blushed a bit pinker at his comment, and smiled. "It was like something out of a bad romantic comedy. I showed up at his door during one of the three rainstorms they had that year, soaking wet, and begging him to come back with me." Even now, it seemed crazy. But it had worked. Somehow, it had worked.

James shrugged a little at Morgan's question. He'd be out, open about his sexuality for years now, at least at Hammel. Sure, his daughter hadn't known, or his family, but people at work had seen him with a few boyfriends over the years. But none as serious as Chase. Nothing came close. "I never bothered justifying it to anyone except my family. And they found out that I'm gay when I introduced them to Chase. Well, that confirmed it for them, apparently my siblings had a bet going on it." His voice trailed off, and he realized he'd gotten sidetracked from his original intent. "But that was worth it too. Even explaining it to my uncle who is a priest. Chase is worth it, and being open about who I am is worth it."

It seemed like Morgan understood that though, and the tension about the misunderstandings had pretty much evaporated. "I'm glad I can help. And there have been a few, over the years. There's a reason I put the safe zone sticker on my door. And Chase and I are probably the "outest" of the staff around here, so we get it a bit more than others would. We give a little bit of hope that things can work out."

[Morgan Tonaya]

Morgan’s heart swelled at James’ blush. It really was sweet what he and Chase had found, even sweeter due to the fact that he had no idea about the past with Adam. Starry-eyed, Morgan could only respond with “Wow.” Bad? Nothing was bad about it. Morgan craved a romantic comedy some days. Hell, all days he craved a love story. He only occasionally admitted what a hopeless romantic was, but it wrote all over his face. “Wow!” He repeated, much perkier this time rather than the awed whisper of the former exclamation.

It occurred suddenly to Morgan that the conversation he was having with James was remarkably inspiring. James had to have needed a lot of courage to be so open so randomly. Sure Chase must have played a huge role in supporting him, but James was so comfortable with who he was by now. Morgan was legitimately in awe of it. “You’re right…It must be worth it.” Morgan murmured. He was so open about everything else; everyone knew he was as easy to read emotionally as an open book. Why should he not let this be written all over him too, if it was going to be such a part of who he was?Granted, Morgan didn’t feel the same earth-shattering feelings for Jake that James had for Chase, but Jake deserved not to be kept some sort of secret.

Slowly nodding, Morgan looked at James’ door when he mentioned the sticker. He hadn’t even seen it. Tilting his head he looked quizzically at James. “You went through the training?” He asked, having only heard vaguely about the Safe Zone program since he’d been back in Vermont. He’d wanted to attend the training, but hadn’t known how to go about it, or really who to get into contact with. “That’s a great program and--” He lifted his hands towards James, palm up in a gesture of reference. “-- clearly being “outest” has worked out for those of us who need your advice.” Morgan said with a quirky half smile. “And again I…really appreciate it. You’re good at this.” He encouraged sweetly.