Dinosaurs vs. Sex [emma]

[Emma Cousins]

"Weeeell..." Emma trailed off, holding the card as though it were the best piece of artwork the world had even seen. "We noticed whilst watching your looovely video that there was an awful lot of dinosaur humping, Eli." She began, looking almost sympatheticly at the poor librarian, putting a hand on his arm. "And Verax and I thought it might be something you, y'know, liked. So we worked our fingers to the bone making this pretty card for you so you can be happy." Insert sugary sweet smile here.

Throwing her arm fondly about Vincent's shoulder, the blonde girl climbed up onto his back and wrapped her legs around him, grinning like a cheshire cat as she waggled the offensive card in front of Eli enticingly. "How was it though, Eli? Really. Did anyone do anything stupid or wank off in the crowd or blow up a condom?" Emma looked positively eager. "Or was it the normal cockrot, vagina and missionary?" She laughed gently, biting Vincent's ear and struggling up to sit on his shoulders, thoughtfully resting her arms on his head.

Patting the money Vincent had previously foisted off on her, she turned her mind to the present she would get Moe from the goth boy she was currently sat on. "Say, Eli, Verax wants to make Misato fall madly in love with him. Do you know anything about potions? Love potions?" The girl's grin widened even more as she looked at Vincent. "Love potions that go in the anus?" Yes, Emma had been watching those damn flash videos on Newgrounds again, and with an it's an in thing wink to Eli, she teleported behind him and threw him into another hug.

"I'm going to miss you so much when I leave." She whined, squeezing the poor Librarian to her chest. "I'll send you cards. Every day. 'Cause you like to read and everyone likes to get things in the mail." Emma rested her chin on the tortured man's shoulder. "And we'll get you a date with big tits." She promised, before securing the card in Eli's arms.

[Vincent Verax]

And this is why Vincent and Emma should never be in the same room together. Ever.

Vincent hooked his arms around Emma's legs as she scrambled up his back, so used to having the blonde girl climb all over him that he did it almost by reflex. "Yeah, w'totally though' that since y'know, y'had t'get stuck in there again, y'should at least get y'know... some kinda reward!" As far as he was aware, Eli was just ever so shocked that they would do something so nice for him. "An' there's dino tits 'n there too!" Because, for some reason, that was extremely important to mention.

"Love potions ain't real, y'dumb ho!" Vincent started when Emma started blabbering on. At least until she mentioned that line from the cartoon that had them both rolling around in hysterical laughter. He snorted, then grinned and said "I'm pretty good with th'... with th'anus." And it is poor, sweet Eli who is subjected to this cruel and unusual form of torture.

He wobbled a little as Emma's sudden disappearance from his shoulders threw off his balance, waving his arms out at his sides in a rather spastic manner while shouting "Don' DO that, Hooker!" But once he regained his balance, he just grinned in that crooked and braindead manner of his and threw his arms around Eli, effectively sandwiching him between idiots. "Don' worry, I'll still b'here t'keep ya company when Hooker bails." Yes, that was so reassuring, Vincent.

Of course, who would Vincent be without saying something that could potentially earn him bodily harm? He wouldn't be Vincent, that's for sure. "Aw man, I think Em's tryin' to pimp out her girlfrien' t'ya. DON' DO IT, MAN!" And then the world imploded. Only not.

[Eli Morrison]

He was a brilliant man. He had perfect recall, complete understanding, and an IQ that was off the charts. (Literally, Clarisse had been forced to make new charts to accurately document his progress from one year to the next.) But nowhere in his vast array of knowledge was the proper way to deal with the phrase "dinosaur humping."

"Thank you..." Eli managed to keep his distaste off of his face as he looked over the homemade card. It was vulgar, inappropriate, and entirely what he should have expected from the two of them, if it had occurred to him that yes, one of the dinosaur videos had included a segment about dinosaur mating. (It was a lead-in to a segment about fossilized dinosaur eggs, so it held quite a bit of educational value.) "Yes, the seminar was the same as always, with minor interruptions. Nothing violent or expulsion-worthy."

And then Emma was hugging him. And Vincent too.

Eli's body stiffened. The only way this could possibly get worse would be if Samuel Rixon got in on this group hug. "Excuse me, but please, let go of me." From somewhere, Verax had gotten it into his head that it was appropriate for him to hug him at random. As if they were friends. As if he was part of that semi-incestuous enclave of cretins, the one one of whom he could stand was Ember.

He didn't care about Vincent's alleged ability with anyone's anus. He didn't care about dinosaur humping or whatever other bullshit they were trying to feed him. All he cared about was getting the fuck away from there in as little time and with as little pain as possible. "That is quite all right. I do not need any more cards. And I do not need a date, well-endowed or otherwise. I do, however, need to return to my office." He was going to be nice. He was going to be polite. These two had been good--well, good enough--and stayed far away from the seminar. He could handle this now.