DUCK DUCK GOOSE [horus]

[Nico Dahl]

While Nin prided himself on soldiering through his bad decisions like a right-good little trooper, there was no way that today's excursion could've been, in any way, a bad idea. It was a beautiful day out on the lake - maybe a bit on the side of chilly, but he'd grown up in the Yukon AND was pretty Swedish on his mom's side, so whatever half-Viking roots he was harboring had all gone to ensuring all of his bits didn't freeze off instead of towards huge Thor-type muscles or a ZZ-Top beard. The birds were out, the sun was dappling the lake with little flashes, and it was far too early for families with little kids inclined to screaming and throwing Nerf-things at each other to be out, although just last week that had been Nin screaming and throwing Nerf-things, but since he was being classy TODAY he was allowed to look back on such childish pursuits in scorn. Because, after all, he had made a good call for once, and it afforded him the luxury of feeling like a legitimately competent person.

Granted, lakes weren't really all that interesting when you thought about it, and he'd had a few minutes to bask in the afterglow of making the conscious decision to show up in decent weather before he'd realized that he didn't actually like the lake that much. Really, he'd come mostly because Horus had wanted to (so the decision wasn't ACTUALLY his in full, but he liked to take credit for agreeing to it - he could've very well stayed in his dorm room, right?), and as a standalone setting minus any friends, it was pretty unimpressive. Maybe it was because he'd grown up in a place where lakes were relatively easy to track down, and probably a lot cleaner. Maybe it was because of the duck that had apparently started trying to eat his toes.

"HEY," he said, trying not to reflexively boot the thing in the face. It gave an offended little quack and pecked at his shoe, and Nin scooted back against the tree with an affronted look on his face. "Jesus, what the hell, dude? Freaking zombie duck." It followed, like evil waterfowl are typically wont to do because THEY HAVE NO SOULS, and he started it down or a good fifteen seconds before making a run for it, slinging his backpack over a shoulder. He'd stopped about twenty feet away, figuring that a bird that lived off of moldy bread would've given up by now; and when Nin looked over a shoulder to survey the battleground he found it desolate sans a few dandelions and a squirrel. A tap at the tip of his boot drew his attention down.

That freaking duck.

"WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM? SERIOUSLY?!" he inquired rather uselessly, moving another five feet away - the duck followed. Snatching the bag around to his front and rifling through it for the half-a-sandwich he'd left from breakfast, Nin ripped it up into fingerfuls and tossed them down. Instead of actually HELPING the situation by any degree, the offensive fowl started keening and before Nin had any chance of figuring a way out of the situation that didn't involve hiding under someone's car, another two flew in, and then another two, then about OH GOD A MILLION OF THEM - actually about five, Nin wasn't good at math - were suddenly pecking about near his feet like denizens of pure evil. He was not pleased for many reasons, the least of which being that now he was out half a sandwich. "OH GOD THE DUCKS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME WHAT IS WITH THIS COUNTRY."

[Horus Richmond]

Horus had only decided on the lake because no one ever really turned up there in the way of officials, etc. This particular discression meant the blonde could smuggle his Sett-obtained beer and his giant box of pizza to the lake without being shouted at and/or arrested, and he could flop on Nin and drunkenly ramble about how secretly he thought he was part ninja. Riding along on his unicycle, he'd made a few accidents where he'd fallen asleep and rode into a hedge, but that was how narcolepsy, a unicycle and various illegal beverages went.

So the pizza box had a crumple in the corner. And the narcoleptic had leaves in his hair. He didn't think it mattered enough to text the Nin warning him that the pizza might have been squished a little. Riding along the lake front, he hollered out at his friend as loudly as he could, not catching his figure till he was barely three meters away. Was that a gang of ducks? Tilting his head, he jumped off the cycle and leapt over, letting out a varied collection of expletives as the unicycle moved onward without him, cruising into the feathered bullies and scaring them off.

"Th'fuck was that?" Horus asked curiously, chucking the bottles of beer at Nin's head and dropping down at his feet. "Were y'turnin' into duck Jesus?" He grinned, opening the box of pizza and flailing his arms up and down pretending to be one of the feathery minions, before tugging the lid off one of the beers and gulping it down.

"S'anyway. I was gettin' down here an' I might've squashed th'pizza a bit but y'know 's not THAT bad. An' there was a dude pissin' in a hedge s'I called him a pissy pisspants an' he swore a bit. Y'wanna tuck int' this shit an' whatevs?" Grabbing a slice of partially smushed pizza, the blonde chomped down greedily. "Om nom fuckin' nom." He said brightly, before grabbing his friend and tugging him down, snuggling on him. "EAAAAAT."

Not that Horus is even slightly obnoxious.

[Nico Dahl]

"HORUS OH GOD THESE THINGS ARE TRYING TO BITE ME TO DEATH," Nin wailed as his friend made an entrance that probably should've disturbed him on more levels than it had - but then, the Canadian was also slightly more preoccupied with his imminent doom than Horus's fantastic unicycle dismount (which was a shame, because it really was pretty awesome), as well as getting OUT of the way of Horus's fantastic unicycle dismount in the first place. Slow down, honey, Nin's not too quick on the uptake. It was a lot to absorb in the span of ten seconds. Horus appearing like a harbinger of avian liberation on a noble, one-wheeled steed with a slightly collapsed pizza box in hand was probably enough to implode any decently working brain for a slight duration of wtfery, much less Nin's, which for all intents functioned at level just barely above that of a sea anemone's.


It was perhaps a testament to his reflexes being smarter than the rest of him that he didn't end up soaked in hops, but the momentum in conjunction with Horus's tugging was enough to totter him clumsily to the ground, arms wrapped around the quarry protectively. "They just started comin' at me all like, 'OH HEY NIN YOUR SHOES LOOK DELICIOUS ONNOMNOM' and I was all like, 'Oh hell naw' but I don't speak duck so they didn't get the message so then I ran away and he was like 'OH NO YOU DIDN'T-'" - at this Nintendo made a ghetto snap gesture - "'-BITCH GET BACK HERE' and I was like 'OH SHIT' and then gave him my sandwich and then he was like 'I AM MORTALLY OFFENDED BY YOUR OFFERING SO I'M GOING TO CALL MY FRIENDS AND WE'RE GOING TO PECK YOU TO DEATH AND STEAL YOUR SHOES' and then I was all like, 'OH GOD THE DUCKS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME WHAT IS WITH THIS COUNTRY and then you showed up on a unicycle and asked about the ducks. I think that's pretty much it?" There was a pause before he realized he hadn't thrown himself at Horus's feet in gratitude, and finding that idea difficult when they were sitting settled for saying,"Thank you," very politely. He made extra sure that the ground was stable before setting the bottles down, twisting one of them open while warily eying the waterfowl, who seemed, for now, too scared of the smaller blond to come near. "... YOU BROUGHT PIZZA!?" he then asked delightedly, obviously thrilled by this and not at all realizing his own secret identity as Captain Obvious' annoying sidekick, Stupid Question Boy. "Wait, there wasn't any pissing involved on this, right?" That hadn't stopped him from tearing off a slice and glomming down on it, peering at Horus balefully over the hopefully pee-free slice. Nin'd take his chances.

"Hey - did you get into a fight with a tree or something?"

[Horus Richmond]

"TH'DUCKS. They were all "Baby, baby baby oooooohhhhh." an' y'were all "I fuckin' hate Bieber" an' th'ducks got offended. That's what 't was all about." Horus nodded in a knowledgeable way. "Y'gotta love th'Biebs in fronta chicks. An' Ducks." Ruffling Nin's hair, he flopped backwards and looked over at his friend, swirling his beer round and round and round in the bottle. For a while he stared at the brown liquid flushing the glass with bubbles, because small things please small minds, before he jerked upright and spilt beer all over the ground.

"I AIN'T PISSED ON THE PISSA. PIZZA." He shouted, looking horrendously offended and scowling. "An' I fell in a hedge. It tried t'rape me an' I was like noez I don't want y'leafy rape kids. S'I escaped." Noticing there was a duck still staring over, he leapt up to his feet and ran after the avian, pouring beer all over the place as he galloped over like a pony on speed. "I'm gonna rape y'dirty ducky ass!" He hollered, zooming over to the duck and chasing him around, with half a pizza flapping from his other hand. "Duck death!" He continued shouting, before giving up and flopping on top of Nico, his eyes closed.

"Aaaaanyway, th'pizza is fine." Horus concluded, kicking off his shoes and grabbing a handful of pizza and licking the cheese from his fingers. "OH EM GEE I FORGOT." He suddenly bellowed, nearly deafening everyone in the local vicinity. "S'Kilbourne an' I were trainin' AND guess what happened? Posin' pouches. Fell out. Th' fuckin' cupboard." Fishing out his phone, he showed his friend the discriminating evidence. "Ell oh ell at th'elephant one." He grinned, pointing out the image with a greasy pizza finger.

[Nico Dahl]

The problem with Mr. Dahl is that he believed most of what Horus said at any juncture - he could've said that the moon was made of Camembert, and shortly after waving his hands and going 'CHEEEEEESE GROMMET, WE'LL GO SOMEPLACE WHERE THERE'S CHEEESE,' (because he was exactly the sort of idiot that makes conversation by repeating movie quotes at people), would promptly go to science class and fail any test on the solar system. "I don't hate Justin Bieber," he protested to Horus's account, which was far more entertaining and slightly less traumatic than what had actually happened. "I think she's kinda hot in a Teagan and Sara kinda way. Wait, you speak duck?"

I... Nin... just... ugh.

"Oh, harsh," he replied sympathetically through a mouthful of cheese and dough. "Maybe you should report it. Can't have errant bushes going all OH HAY SEXY WHATCHOO DOIN', right? I mean, seriously. Ever see The Evil Dead? Like these trees molested this girl-" and Nin had still yet to come to terms with his weird attraction to Bruce Campbell but that was a different story entirely - "and it's like DUDE, why have them around? Like, my parents started putting a lot of them around the house last summer and it's like didn't you guys see the mov-OH GOD MY MOM'S ALONE AT THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW OH NO NOW I'M ALL WORRIED AND SHIT." Aw, Nin. I'm sure she's fine. Canadian trees are polite and take you out for dinner first.

Aaaaaand maybe it would've been useful if he hadn't kept talking while Horus was off chasing ducks away, that too; but with Nin it was just better to nod and smile and not listen to the first half of whatever he was saying anyway. Or all of it. Usually the 'all of it' choice was the better of the two. He'd just raised his hand to give him a friendly hair-scruff when Mr. Richmond bellowed loud enough to prompt Nin into a wince. S'Kilbourne an' I were trainin' AND guess what happened? Posin' pouches. Fell out. Th' fuckin' cupboard. Wait, what? "I don't really know what that mea-" Nin leaned in to squint at the little picture and immediately let out an incredulous laugh, clapping his hand over his mouth (which essentially meant smacking himself in the face with a bit of pizza crust but that was fine). "Ohmygodareyoufuckin'kiddingme? HAHA. Holy shit." Still snickering, he took a long sip from his bottle of beer an petered off into silence before whining loudly, "UGH NOW I'VE GOT ELEPHANT WANGS IN MY HEAD, HORUS. GOOD JOB. AUGH. Bluh." He proceeded to grab Horus by the shirt and gave him a good, panicky shake. Well, maybe it wasn't a good shake. Maybe it also wasn't a good idea to be shaking a narcoleptic, but again, sea-anenome brain."QUICK SAY SOMETHING AMUSING SO I CAN THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE."

[Horus Richmond]

Horus is almost as absorbent as Ninnybear, except he only believes everything that comes out of Sett's mouth. Condoms make your dick drop off, according to Horus, but that's what his brother told him, and he believes his word is law. "Bieber is a dude, dude." The blonde said, eying his taller companion with a serious expression. A serious expression for Horus is sort of having one eyebrow furrowed and the other one obscured by his oh-so-emo fringe. "An' yeah. 'm fluent in Duck. Quack quack." The sarcasm in Horus' voice was obscuring most of what he was actually saying. I just heard I am mocking you in my duck voice bitch but then I have an inbuilt Horus translation device.

The sarcasm died when Horus caught what Ninny was saying. Rapist. Trees. The pizza in Horus' mouth dropped with a splat on his jeans and he clapped his hands to his face ala Home Alone kid (Yeah I'm not spelling his name) and looked horrified. "Oh my god TREE PENIS." He eventually said, picking up the now slightly linty piece of pizza and cramming it all into his mouth at once. "Fuckin' hell y'aint safe ANYWHERE anymore. S'like, Vincent jumpin' out with his dick all HI an' then hedge rapists an' pervy old guys an' just dick everywhere." He gripped his beer tightly with one hand, then practically climbed into Nin's lap, staring at him. "WHAT if it's a disease, an' y'all I don' wanna show m'dick now but then t'morrow I wake up an' there's y'dick. Right there. In m'fa- ... oh hey 'm sure y'mum's fine." He said offhandedly, collapsing back onto his buddy and downing the rest of the beer. At this point I'm pretty sure the ground is more likely to get drunk than he is, but at least he's not spilling it all over a carpet.

The shorter blonde eagerly flicked through various images of the disaster in the training room before he was rudely shaken back and forth. "RAPE. RAPE" He shouted, moving back and forth and rattling his tiny brain around in his head. "Uh... uh... don' put me under pressure." The narco whined, flailing aimlessly like a magikarp at an enemy. "Uhhhhh... so ... dude didja know cats have spikey dicks?" He offered, shrugging his shoulders. I think Horus is on a penis theme today, Nin I'm so sorry. "Like th'girl cat is all noes spikes and the guy is all fuck yeah check out my epic dick of doom." Horus leant over and grabbed another beer, forcing it open and frowning. "Dude how much would buttsex hurt 'f y'had dick spikes. I'd b'like "nooooo" an' Elliot would be all "YEEESSSS" an' then I'd cry. 'Cause cock ain't meant t'have spikes." And again, Horus offers deep, intellectual conversation with true insight. I'm just glad he's likely to fall asleep at some point before he gets too rowdy.

[Nico Dahl]

"No," Nin replied in direct violation of his 'HORUS IS ALWAYS RIGHT' mentality, just because he felt that as a Canadian it was his privilege and duty to educate people on the 'correct' gender of his homeland's exports. He reached over to give his friend an affectionate pat on the head and, with no doubt whatsoever in his tone, added, "Justin Bieber is a girl, silly. Haven't you heard her music?"

WHAT if it's a disease, an' y'all I don' wanna show m'dick now but then t'morrow I wake up an' there's y'dick. Right there. Well, THAT was a horrifying thought; it'd be like in the Happening, except without the crappy bits involving M. Night Shyamalan on the phone and more genitalia involved. His eyes went wide and he stared at Horus over his beer. "Wait, what?" he responded in a tone that had begun the slow devolution of ABSOLUTE PANIC. He didn't want to turn into a hedge rapist! "HORUS YOU MIGHT BE CONTAGIOUS THEN. Did you get scratched? That's totally how all the zombie viruses spread in the movies." Nin proceeded to give him a rather suspicious look, plucking a leaf carefully from his hair and inspecting it with no small amount of caution (holding his breath all the while because he really was that dumb). "Because if you start whipping it out we're gonna have to go kill that hedge."

That poor hedge. It probably had a family and had gone in to do its hedgy work that day with a bounce in its step, only to be attacked by a blond on a unicycle and accused of touching him inappropriately. There's probably a political message in that somewhere. Hell if either stevie or Nin knew what that was.

By the way, dick spikes? Yeah, those were even more traumatizing than the thought of school officials prancing around in animal shaped underwear, and the way that Nin went from horrified-but-amused to outright disgusted was an obvious testament to it. "THAT'S EVEN WORSE WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?!" he asked with a grimace, letting go of his friend's arms to cross his own around his knees, curling up in a fetal position and flopping, without much further ado, onto his side. He peered at Horus in a rather glum manner. "I liked Mr. Tibbles. Now all I'm thinking about is how he's a sadomasochistic rapist." Aw, honey. "An' don't date guys with spiky dicks, dude. That'd prolly mean they're aliens or half-cat or somethin'. Then your chest is gonna explode everywhere like Sigourney Weaver's an' you'd have Elliot-alien babies runnin' around school or whatever. Alien child support's probably shit, dude. And you'd be dead. That too."

Also, mallards are much, much worse than cats in that particular regard. THE MORE YOU KNOW. Thanks cracked.com for being a valued source in making dinnertime conversation a hundred times more awkward.

Wobbling to his feet (not because he was inebriated insomuch as just clumsy), Nin straightened up with his bottle in hand, squinting obliquely at the massive horde of ducks hovering near the edge of the lake. "Dude, where'd your unicycle go?"

[Horus Richmond]

Horus wrinkled his nose in offense at Nin's denial, and flailed aimlessly. "No dude, 'm tellin' ya, jus' go t'wikipedia." He reaffirmed, sulking a little. "He's a DUDE. Maybe a male t'female transgender." He added thoughtfully, tapping his chin. "Sometimes I think that transgender is kinda like transformer, jus' minus th'awesome metal shit." A deep insight there, as the shorter blonde tried to cram an entire slice of pizza into his mouth in one go.

Horus considered what Nin was now franticly panicking about with one eye closed, and forced the bready-cheesy goo into his cheeks like an obese hamster. "I dunno." He said, muffled by CARBS. Sitting upright and swallowing, he began to pat himself down for any evidence of deadly hedge scratches. "I don' think h'got m'but..." suddenly the narco looked utterly horrified. "WHAT 'F Y'GOT BIRD FLU FROM TH'DUCKS?!?!" Horus' voice was high pitched and the picture of terror. Leaping away from Nin, he stared accusingly at him with his arms folded. "DIDJA GET PECKED ON TH'SKIN? DID THEY BREATH ON YA?" He kept shouting, to the point where a passing group of people stopped and stared. He waved enthusiasticly at the onlookers, then pointed accusingly at Nin as though he planned this all along.

Then the subject of the dick spikes came back around and Horus gave a wholehearted shrug, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Well, y'asked f'a distraction an' m'brain kinda farted 'cause I was UNDER PRESSURE." He sulked, curling his arms around himself protectively. "An' I dunno, Sahkie has cats, but they're GIRLS an' shit. So they jus' get raped by spikedicks." Horus suddenly felt sorry for the two cats and look a moment to pity them. At the image of his boyfriend being half cat and exploding his chest open with evil cat-human babies, the blonde went pale and sort of flumped on the ground as though dead. "Dude, 'm jus' gonna die here now." He mumbled, pretending to die dramaticly.

Of course, then Nin asked where his unicycle was and he practically leapt over to where it had fell and lifted it above his head like he'd won the tour de france.

"HERE IT IS." He shouted, spinning round and round with a huge grin on his face. "Th'duck slayer has arrived!"