I Need Something To Rely On [Danny]

[Cobalt Weaver]

[ooc: takes place a day after You’ll Never Be What is in Your Heart]

Talking to Ben had proven more painful than Cobalt had expected, and he hadn’t really been ready for that; not so soon after Sean had insisted he start pulling himself apart to put himself back together again. Obviously, nothing dramatic had changed in his life; just little shifts of perspective and a lot of old nerves rubbed raw through examination. Now, he was just tired.

But he knew Danny had been worried about him since he and Ben had fought and separated, and he had to guiltily own up to the fact that he hadn’t actually seen Danny since Cobalt confessed to him why Ben and he had fought. He knew he still looked worn down and washed out and exhausted, but he thought that perhaps telling Danny he was doing all right in person would help ease the worry a little bit. So he called him and invited him to go on a walk. He wasn’t hungry enough for lunch and he didn’t really want to do anything else but walk and talk.

“Sorry I haven’t been around lately,” Cobalt glanced at Danny apologetically, “I’ve had…a really weird couple of weeks, and I’ve been trying to put myself back on track. I’m sorry.”

[Danny Silverman]

"It's fine." That was the first thing out of his mouth--usually the first thing that he said whenever Cobalt apologized to him. Because it was always fine. He tried the best that he could to understand what Cobalt was going through, no matter what. Cobalt was his best and oldest friend and always would be. And he knew that however prickly the man seemed, he was doing his best. So he tried not to judge. It was the only thing he could do. And, as always, he added it with a smile.

Danny was bundled up beyond belief. After years in the much more moderate climate of California, he wasn't able to handle the cold very well. So he'd taken on a scarf, a sweater, a thin jacket and a thicker jacket, all on top of each other. It looked ridiculous and made him look twice his bulk, but he didn't think he could manage without a single one. So he walked along next to Cobalt, bundled up, and tried to think about what to say.

"Want to talk about it?" he asked at last.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt gave Danny a grateful smile, taking in with amusement how bundled up Danny was. Cobalt, who had been accustomed to Vermont and Illinois winters, was in a jacket and gloves. Besides, he liked the cold, so he was content to have less layers on. His smile faded a little when Danny asked if he wanted to talk about it.

Did he want to talk about it? Not really. But he felt as though there was no reason not to. It wasn’t as though he didn’t trust Danny. He trusted Danny with everything. It still sort of stung, though: having to admit that he was making so much painful mental crap that Sean had felt compelled to help him. That everyone seemed to want to help him, without ever even asking if he wanted any of it.

Finally, Cobalt rubbed the back of his neck. “I think…Ben was sort of right,” He said finally, “I think the problem was that he had no right to actually say it.”

He elaborated, “I talked to Sean. Or, uh, I think I was technically kidnapped or something. Either way, we had sort of a talk about things.” He rubbed the back of his neck again, “Uhhh about…” He tilted his head back, “I dunno. Somehow, people wanting to help me and people wanting to fix me still feels the same.” His shoulders slumped tiredly.

[Danny Silverman]

At least he’d amused Cobalt for a little while. He liked seeing him smile—it didn’t happen a lot, and it was always good to see. He worried that Cobalt didn’t smile enough sometimes.

He frowned as Cobalt said that Ben was right. He disagreed with that. But he had a different perspective than Cobalt and Ben. Partially from knowing the other man for a while, and partially because he firmly believed in seeing the good in everyone. Danny believed no one should change. He thought everyone was okay as they were. But maybe that was just him. So he didn’t say anything and just listened.

“So…” he hesitated. This seemed to be skirting along a topic that Danny didn’t know much about, and since Sean had taken over, and he knew what he was talking about, Danny was hesitant to interfere. “Was he trying to tell you that Ben wanted to…help you?”

He guessed he could see that. He liked Ben. The man just hadn’t done very well with it.

[Cobalt Weaver]

“No, I…no,” Cobalt scrubbed a hand through his hair, “I don’t think so. They’re both of the conclusion that there’s something wrong with me. Or…not really. More like, something’s wrong with my perception,” He tapped his temple in indication, “And…Sean didn’t know what Ben said to me. Or, well, I guess he probably does, but I didn’t tell him. We didn’t talk about Ben. We uh. Mostly talked about…um. Things that happened to me as a child,” He stared down at his shoes and swallowed, “And how I saw them even now.”

“It sort of helped,” Cobalt shrugged, “I see things a little differently now. And things don’t feel so terrible anymore all the time, but…” He huffed out a laugh, “I think I am broken, Danny. But I’m trying to fix it. I just want to fix myself on my terms, I don’t know. I don’t feel like it’s too much to ask.”

He leveled a scowl at the ground before shaking his head exasperatedly. “I’m just tired. And I wanted to thank you,” Cobalt looked up at Danny and gave his friend another small smile, “You mean a lot to me and uh. You’ve been there for me, and I appreciate that.” He shrugged, uncomfortable with the expression, but meaning every word.

[Danny Silverman]

“Oh.” Danny hesitated. This all seemed like difficult topics—ones he wasn’t sure (or hadn’t been sure) that Cobalt wanted to get into with him. But if he was talking about it now…well, he wasn’t going to shy away from it. Especially since he might have known some of the topics that had bothered Cobalt—from when he was a child. That’d be silly. So instead he watched him as he stared down at his shoes, scowled at the ground, and generally looked…upset. But when Cobalt smiled at him, he smiled back.

“I don’t think you’re broken,” he said quietly. “I think you’re having a hard time. I think…I think everyone has a hard time. And it’s not too much to ask to want to work it out on your terms. I think that’s…” He shrugged. “I dunno. Normal?” He smiled at him. “You never need to thank me, though. I’ll always be here for you. As much as I can. And, um…” He hesitated. “I wanted to apologize again. For what happened—for losing touch. And…” Another pause. “What happened before that. Not apologizing for it. But because…I never said anything.” He pushed up his glasses. “And I think I should have. I dunno. Maybe that would’ve made things different…” He trailed off. That wasn’t being very clear, but it was hard to bring up a topic ignored for three decades.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt huffed out a laugh, affectionate and grateful, “No. You never have. That means a lot to me.” He leaned slightly to the side so that his shoulder brushed against Danny’s. He grew more serious when Danny tried to apologize. He was quiet for a moment, trying to gather up his thoughts on the matter. Finally, he said, “I think…I was so willing to believe you hated me for what happened that when we stopped writing, I assumed what I thought to be the most obvious conclusion.” He rolled his eyes, “Which was stupid and overdramatic and doesn’t give you any of the credit you deserved.”

“I gave up on you,” Cobalt said finally, “And I will never regret that enough. I dunno, maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything, but maybe it would have. And we’ll never know.” He glanced at Danny’s hand, considered taking it, and then didn’t.

“Maybe we both should have said something,” Cobalt added with a shrug, “Maybe it doesn’t matter anymore, I don’t know. All that…all that matters is that you’re one of the most important people in the world to me.” If nothing else, Cobalt knew that to be true.

[Danny Silverman]

He smiled up at him. “I’m glad.” And he was, although he wished other people viewed Cobalt the way he did. If they did, maybe they’d understand him more. Or maybe that was just a futile help. He couldn’t tell. But he moved closer to Cobalt so they were shoulder-to-shoulder, assuming the brush had meant the other man craved more contact. And when he spoke, his lips twisted down. He had kind of thought…well, maybe he’d known that had been what Cobalt had thought. And he’d been scared to admit it to himself because the thought of Cobalt hating him made something deep in his chest ache, making him want to curl up just to make it stop. But Danny wasn’t one for introspection. He’d learned that lesson long ago. So when Cobalt glanced toward their hands, he took the movement he knew Cobalt never would, and took the other man’s hand.

“And you are to me,” he said quietly. “More than anything. And I didn’t hate you. I never did. I just…” He shrugged and sighed. “It was stupid. I was afraid you…didn’t mean it or something. Or were embarrassed by it.” He made a face. “I wish ourselves as kids weren’t so silly sometimes. But I guess you can’t learn unless you start by being stupid.”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt laced his fingers around Danny’s and leaned against his shoulder. This didn’t seem weird, although Cobalt kept wondering if it was supposed to be. But it wasn’t, and Cobalt didn’t know what to do about this. He didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about this. He didn’t really care either; he was pretty sure it was impossible for him to feel uncomfortable around Danny. That was why the other man was so important to him.

Cobalt was surprised, however, to hear that Danny thought that he hadn’t meant it. He didn’t think it would be particularly helpful to remind Danny that he never did things he didn’t mean; that he had a lot of foibles, but he always meant everything he did. Especially as far as Danny was concerned. So instead, he just said, “I meant it. And I’m not embarrassed by it. It hurt…to talk about sometimes. All the time.” He huffed out a sigh, “Because I meant it so much and I didn’t know what to do about it.” Cobalt shrugged, trying to lessen whatever sting his words might carry. He wasn’t looking for sadness or pity—these were just the facts.

“We were stupid,” He agreed quietly, “And it sort of burns because we’ll never—we’ll never know how things would have happened if we had only handled things a little different.”

Cobalt tilted his head up to stare at the cloudy, grey sky. “I just wish that it hadn’t been so out of control. I wish I felt like we’d had a choice back then, instead of responding to things that were outside of our control.” He didn’t know what he was saying, really. Lately, all his words were tumbling out of him and he couldn’t decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing. “I don’t actually know what I’m asking for, here.” He confessed with a sad, crooked smile, “I don’t know if I’m even asking anything.”

[Danny Silverman]

“I know,” he admitted. “I think I should have known that you meant it. It wasn’t fair for me not to. But I was just so scared…and I didn’t have the nerve to say anything. And that was really stupid too.” He leaned back against Cobalt, resting his head against the other man’s. To others, it probably would have seemed very couple-ish. And maybe it was. But to Danny, he was just his oldest friend, and as he’d always wanted to do this when they were kids, he didn’t think about it. Besides. Cobalt had so little human contact that Danny had secretly decided he needed to give him a lot so he could store it up, like a camel, for a day when he needed it.

“It’s okay,” he told Cobalt. “It’s always okay. And I guess…” he shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. I always thought it would work out anyways. I mean, I found you now, didn’t I? We don’t know how it’ll work out, I guess. But at least we’re here now.” He nudged his ribs affectionately with his elbow, then hesitated. Well, he might as well ask.

“So what do you want?” he asked quietly. “I mean, right here and now? Anything? Or maybe we could find a meta who can take us back in time to work things out with our younger selves!” He liked that idea. But it probably wouldn’t work. So he shook his head and smiled up at Cobalt. “I’d like for you not to look so sad. I like it when you smile.”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt let Danny rest his head against his with a tired little smile. Danny was one of the few people allowed to do this, and he was the one who was allowed to do it first; when Cobalt was small and young and vulnerable. Danny could have easily crushed him to pieces, but he didn’t. Instead, he helped Cobalt smile and made him feel less strange. Cobalt swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.

He shook his head, “We were both stupid, and I blamed myself for it for 36 years, and I’m not going to do that anymore.” He looked up at Danny, “And I’m not going to let you do it either. It’s not worth the headache. It…what happened when we were kids wasn’t wrong, so it shouldn’t hurt.” He said this firmly, the set of his face and jaw stubborn and defiant. He was only starting to truly believe this, but he wouldn’t let Danny blame himself for anything. Not anymore.

Cobalt laughed quietly when Danny nudged him, “You were more optimistic than I was. Although that doesn’t particularly surprise me.”

The question took him by surprise. So much so that he actually stopped in his tracks, frowning slightly to himself as he thought. What did he want, really? He smiled weakly at Danny’s joke about time travel, but didn’t respond, still trying to think of how to answer this question.

What did he want?

“I want…” Cobalt said slowly, trying to articulate, “I want to know…” He closed his eyes shut tight for a moment before he stammered out, his voice shaking, “I want to know what it’s like to kiss you because I want to, only because I want to, and not because I’m afraid of losing you forever.” His shoulders hunched nervously, as though he was expecting some kind of violent reaction, “But I only want it if that’s what you want too.”

[Danny Silverman]

Danny was surprised to hear this from Cobalt. Cobalt, who had always seemed so withdrawn and always kept things locked away deep inside. And took everything so personally and blamed himself for everything. It was hard. But the way that he was talking now…he made a mental note to make Sean a lovely drawing or a sculpture or a model or something to thank him. He loved Cobalt. And he didn’t think he needed fixing. But he did think the man should stop internalizing things. He definitely agreed in that.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “I won’t anymore. I promise. If you don’t, then I won’t.” And he smiled up at him, happy that maybe his friend was going to be happier too.

He paused with Cobalt, and was grateful he did. Those words weren’t what he had expected at all. He stared at him, startled, and then nodded. He knew what Cobalt was expecting, because it was always what Cobalt had expected. So instead of saying anything, he slid his hand out from Cobalt’s and rubbed it on his back.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “I…I dunno. I always wanted to know, I guess.” He smiled nervously, feeling like he was a kid again. “So how do we, um…?”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt was surprised to find that he was shaking slightly. He did, however, manage a heartbreaking smile at Danny’s nervousness. “It’s not that complicated, dummy,” He said affectionately. Despite these words, he hesitated before reaching up and pressing his lips against Danny’s, looping one arm loosely around his neck.

It certainly felt different. Which wasn’t all that surprising, since they were both sort of taller, and both had facial hair now. There wasn’t the edge of fear and desperation and loss. But it didn’t… It didn’t.

Cobalt pulled away slowly and stared at Danny, his blue eyes bright and analytical. He loved this man more than he loved most people in the world. He loved Danny so much it hurt sometimes. It would stand to reason that kissing him again would be dramatic or romantic or…something. Instead, he just felt the same all-encompassing love that he ever felt, but nothing strictly heart-stopping.

It wasn’t like how he felt kissing Ben.

Cobalt started to laugh, quietly and sort of shocked. “I didn’t…” He shook his head, knowing that he could speak in half-sentences and Danny would understand what he meant. That he just didn’t feel it. “Did you?” He had to ask, even though he sort of knew the answer.

[Danny Silverman]

Danny hadn’t ever thought he’d be here again. Maybe when he’d been young, and he’d half wondered what would happen if he saw Cobalt again. He’d thought of all the things he could do and everything he wanted to do and talk about with Cobalt. And then they’d lost touch, and even when they’d regained contact, he just…hadn’t thought about it. Now he did. And it did feel different than when he was a kid, uncertain and unsure of what they were doing, and terrified that Cobalt was leaving them and that something he’d been told was wrong felt right.

This was very different. They were both more experienced now, they were taller, and this was more…planned than the last one. And Danny knew that he loved Cobalt more than he’d ever loved anyone before, but it wasn’t the same thrill. Not the same tingling all the way down his body or the way his heart pounded. His lips twitched up into a smile in a reluctant response to Cobalt’s laughing, then shook his head. “Um. N-no. I guess, not really. Um.” He brushed Cobalt’s hair with his fingers, then shrugged. “You know I love you a lot, right? And I think I did love you once. That way. But…” He shrugged. “Maybe we’ve just become different people? And…” He hesitated. “I do think Ben cares about you. A lot.”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt nodded in agreement, the crooked smile still on his face. “I love you too,” He replied readily. Because it was true. Hell, when he was younger, he would have given anything to have this chance again. And it probably would have been different. “And…I loved you that way for a long time. But,” Cobalt nodded again, the smile getting a little wider, “Yeah, I think you’re right. We’re different. And-and that’s okay. Doesn’t mean I love you any less. Just different.”

Cobalt turned startled blue eyes up at Danny at the mention of Ben. He hesitated for a moment, a flash of uncertainty crossing his face before it cleared. “Yeah well,” Cobalt said, his smile taking on a new shade of affection, “That’s convenient, because I sort of…do too.”

His expression turned serious, “D’you think I can trust him?” Because he trusted Danny, and whatever Danny said, Cobalt would believe.