Only fooling myself (Sean)

[Mia Bell]

Mia walked out of her dorm room with a sigh. She was not looking forward to where she was going and what was going to happen. Just thinking about it made her sad; this in turn made the sky turn gray. She didn’t want to talk about anything having to do with the scars on her wrist, this wasn’t something she was doing for herself. Being selfless at this point, she was going to Dr. Neville’s office to ‘talk’ about things. She really didn’t know the specifics. She just knew her mother wanted her to do it, because she was worried about her daughter’s mental health. Mia felt like she needed to do this to show her mother she was all right.

In all fairness, Mia was anything but mentally fine. Ever since the car, crash her father and brothers were in she became more distant to everyone around her. She pushed people away, not wanting to get close to anything and sometimes hurting those she knew she was starting to care most about. She had the nagging fear that everyone around her was going to leave her on this planet alone. That was something she couldn’t handle, she rather be alone to begin with then lose anyone else she cared about. On top of that, every day she woke up and wondered if her mother and Grandmother were still alive and throughout the day she wondered if anything had happened to them; it was one of the many reasons why she wrote to them every week; to make sure they were still alive and all right.

She walked into the hallway of all the important staff offices and stopped right in front of Dr. Neville’s office door. She took a deep breath and lifted her hand to knock on the door. She hesitated, she had only been here for a week and she was already seeing the Psychiatrist. There was something wrong with that picture and she knew it. Repeatedly she kept saying to herself that nothing was wrong with her. She was completely fine, it wasn’t like she was having suicidal thoughts; at least not anymore. Mia finally knocked on the door, hoping the older man had forgotten for appointment with him, but a part of her just wanted to get this over with. She waited for him to say ‘come in’ and braced herself for when she actually had to open the damn door. The door that was in-between her comfort zone; on this side of the door she was more comfortable but when she crossed that threshold she would be way beyond comfortable.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

There was no wrong way for a student to come to Doctor Neville’s office. There were wrong reasons to find oneself in the psychiatrist’s office, and any student who found herself there for a disciplinary meeting could attest to that fact. But each way that a student came to his office was equally valid and essentially the same in terms of frequency. Some students came of their own initiative, some students were sent by faculty members, some students Sean arranged to meet himself, and some students came due to the insistence of their parents.

In some ways, the ones who came at the insistence of their parents were the easiest to prepare for. They had a scheduled appointment time, the telepath was given third-party explanations as background (although third-party didn’t translate to wholly objective or even correct), and while the students might be reluctant, they typically weren’t as reluctant or hostile as when he or another faculty member initiated the meeting.

As such, the psychiatrist had been given time to prepare for the session with Mia Bell. As a new transfer, there were a number of issues to keep in mind, in addition to that which her mother had given him as background information. Because the meeting was standard fare for Sean, he wasn’t nervous about going into it: he’d prepared his files in advance, he had a cup of coffee on his desk, and he was alert. Of course, he was also concerned, given some of what her mother had told him, but he was calm and collected about it.

Hearing the knock at his door, he knew that the young woman had arrived. As such, he called out, “Please come in, Mia.”

[Mia Bell]

Mia rested her head on the door, staying there for a moment; as she heard the man say she could come in. Trying to think of how this would all go down. She put her hand on the doorknob but not moving to twist it just yet. She looked down at her hand, was this really supposed to help her? She took a deep breath, getting her head off the door she then twisted the knob to the office. She was already here, she wasn’t going to chicken out now. She just hopped no one found out about her being here; she didn’t want people to know she was having these sessions. Because that in turn would lead to questions and she didn’t want to go through that.

Mia stepped through the threshold, closed the door behind her, and slightly leaned on it once it was closed. She looked around taking all of it in. She couldn’t help but think the office looked exactly like the movies. The window behind the desk, the desk itself, the chairs in front of it, the couch and the chairs across from that. She looked at Dr. Neville, trying to hide her anxieties. Mia walked to the desk and sat down in one of the chairs in front of it. Bending her leg in a way that she had sat on it, hoping he wouldn't but not really caring if he minded her shoe being on his furniture.

Mia didn’t say a word, she waited for him to tell her what was going to happen first. She looked out the window and saw the sky getting grayer, was she the one affecting the weather? She wouldn’t doubt it, she was feeling sad, and a bit uneasy at the situation she was forced to be in. She couldn’t help but think how she could have avoided all of this if she didn’t make that one choice in her life. She looked at Dr. Neville, not afraid to look him in the eyes.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean was glad to see that Mia had closed the door, as it saved him having to ask her to do so; then again, students who came for sessions as opposed to chats or discipline were more likely to want to take advantage of the privacy and rarely needed to be told to close the door.

The psychiatrist remained seated for the moment, because he wanted to appear as non-threatening as possible, and he knew the effect his height could have on some people, particularly those who had never met him before. He offered her a smile when she sat down, and he said, “If you aren’t comfortable there, we can move to the back of the office. The sofa is very comfortable. But if you’d prefer to stay where you are, you can do that. There’s no right way.”

It was important to make sure she was comfortable, and he never minded moving around the office to better accommodate a student. The arm chairs were as comfortable to him as the chair he sat in when behind his desk.

Sean noticed that the sky had darkened a bit behind them; it could simply be the weather, since Vermont had its fair share of cloudy days and precipitation. Or, it could be Mia, since he’d looked up her file before today’s appointment, and he knew that she was a weather manipulator. If it was the latter, they could work on it; he certainly was never in a position to judge students whose emotions influenced their powers. Certainly not with recent manifestations.

The psychiatrist maintained the eye contact that she initiated, and still smiling a bit, he asked, “How do you like it at Hammel so far?”

[Mia Bell]

Mia didn’t return his smile, she just looked and blinked at him. She felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to be in this office at all. She wasn’t easily intimidated, at least by people; by situations yes but she always made herself push past it. This however was different. She wasn’t one to talk about her personal or emotional problems. Now she didn’t like the thought of knowing that eventually she was going to have to talk, about everything.

She shook her head slightly “I’m fine here.” The chair was comfortable for her, at least enough to keep her content and she rather not get any more comfortable. Sitting somewhere else wasn’t going to make her more mentally and emotionally comfortable with all this. Being physically comfortable wasn’t something she was worried about. Though she had to admit the chair she was sitting in was quite comfortable. He knew his way around furniture.

She looked down at her wrist and wondered just how much he knew, if he knew anything. And if he did know anything, how? Did he call her mother and grandmother about it? Was it in her files? Did they put things like that in school files? It wasn’t like she had shot up a school. She didn’t think they would put something so personal in her school file. But then again this was a different school. Though she didn’t think it was much different from a regular public school.

She didn’t like her power being linked to her emotions, it made her feel vulnerable knowing that if someone connected things they would figure out her mood just by the weather. Though she knew that wasn’t always accurate, especially when it was actually mother nature working her ‘magic’ on the planet. Or whatever it was you wanted to believe on how the weather worked. Mia herself never took the time to think about such a thing.

Mia looked at the ceiling and then back at the man in front of her. Was this his way of trying to get her more comfortable? She shrugged “It’s alright, I guess. I mean I find it the same as public school just with a few differences.” The differences of course are the parts having to do with it being a ‘meta-school’.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean acknowledged her preference with a slight nod and a “Very well.” He wouldn’t force her to move from where she was; he had simply wanted to make the offer, since she had other options available. Perhaps for the next session, if she felt more comfortable, they could migrate to the back of the office. Otherwise, the psychiatrist was fine to stay where they were; after all, he spent several hours of each day in this chair behind this desk, and by necessity he had to be comfortable with that.

He overheard her thoughts easily, which was to be expected; equally expected was the nature of her thoughts. Wondering about why she was here, about who had alerted him to whatever had caused him to arrange the meeting with her, about how much he knew. Sean wouldn’t give precise answers to those questions, partially because that wasn’t relevant to the heart of the matter and partially because commenting on other people’s thoughts on minor matters rarely led to anything positive.

As such, he simply let those thoughts go by, resolved to focus on the conversation and direct it as necessary for the purposes of this session. “It is fairly similar to public school,” the psychiatrist agreed with a nod. While he had never attended public school, he was an educator and familiar with state standards. He’d also known far more public school students than private or parochial ones, over the course of his lifetime. “I know it can be a little different too, with a curfew and roommates.”

Boarding school was different from day school in that way. It had been one of the biggest adjustments for him, when he’d first come to Hammel as a student.

“Have you met your trainer yet? I know it’s only been a couple of weeks and you arrived during the lull between semesters.” That was the difficulty with being a year-round school with month-long breaks, while the rest of the country was on a nine-month schedule, and powers never took a break.

[Mia Bell]

Mia looked down at her hands again, she didn’t have the slightest clue the man before her was a telepath. If she had she would never had shown up to begin with. She wasn’t keen on being forced to speak about her problems let alone want to be invaded of her personal thoughts. There was too much personal things going through her mind, if she didn’t want to talk to people about them she sure as heck didn’t want people to read her mind about them. It would make her feel too vulnerable.


Mia looked at the doctor before her, the man she was suppose to be pouring her heart out to at some point during this session or the next few sessions. But yet, they’re talking about something so simple, something that she didn’t feel had anything to do with the reason why she thought she was sitting in this office. Was this man really going to let her open up on her own? Or was this just the start of all the questions? She was confused on what to think about all of this. This was the first time she has seen a Psychiatrist or anything similar to one. Her mother didn’t have the money to pay for sessions, and she was never going to go to the school’s counselor.

She nodded “There are slight differences having to do with the location. It’s nothing I can’t get used to though” The heat, she can get used to, not having snow most of the year, she can get used to, not being able to see her mother and grandmother? That was something she would never get used to. The feeling of missing people, was something she felt she couldn’t get used to. It was something she never learned to get used to. She shrugged “I’m using to the curfew really… I’m used to having to stay inside the house when it gets dark.” During the year that actually got dark after the sun was up. No one really went outside after dark, because it got colder and because polar bear were known to roam around the streets. “I’m kind of used to the roommate thing too…” She did have two brothers.

Mia shook her head “No, I haven’t” She had been told about how that worked somewhat. But never met her ‘trainer’ not yet anyway. She wasn’t really sure how she was supposed to either.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean nodded his understanding as he listened to her describe a few of the small differences and how they had parallels to her life back home. “You’re from Alaska, aren’t you?” He’d seen that written in her file, since everyone’s home town was listed, along with guardian contact information and academic reports from their former schools. The psychiatrist tried to commit to memory all that he could about the students with whom he interacted, but remembering everything was impossible. He wasn’t Eli.

The psychiatrist then smiled at the roommate comment. “I’m told sharing a room with a sibling is different from having a typical roommate. I wouldn’t know firsthand, since I don’t have a brother, but I’m glad to hear that you’re adjusting.”

He nodded and made a mental note about that. While he had no hand in the assignment of trainers to students, he heard that complaint often enough. He would check to see who would be assigned to her, so they could set up an initial assessment session, or begin whatever the program was for weather manipulators. They were similar to telepaths insofar as their powers required great training and it was a bumpy road. “I’ll check to see who you’ve been assigned to. The summer session is always a little more hectic.”

Sean had set aside her file for use today, although he likely would do his notes after their meeting, rather than during the conversation; that was how he typically handled these sessions. Still, it was available should he need to consult it for information, and it included the notes he had taken when he’d talked with her mother to establish the appointment in the first place. Maintaining eye contact, he said, “Your mother called to make the appointment for today, and you’re entitled to know that. We discussed some of your history.”

[Mia Bell]

Mia hated that she was talkative right now. She didn’t want to talk at all; she didn’t want to be here. But she found herself feeling more comfortable talking to the man sitting behind the desk. And it didn’t help that she was naturally talkative. She nodded at his question “Yeah, Barrow, Alaska.. I live on top of the world…” She used air quotes when she said she ‘lived on top of the world’. With all the things people say about Barrow being the worst place to live because of how cold it was; she still loved living there.

Mia shrugged “I guess it is a little different.. We don’t really talk to each other..” It was different with her brothers, she ‘had’ to talk to them, but she didn’t mind it either. If her roommate was to start a conversation with her she wouldn’t mind. It just hadn’t happened yet. She found it a little awkward though when they would both be in the dorm together but not talk to each other.

Mia nodded. She really didn’t care all too much about it. Other than it being the reason why she was at this school in the first place. She knew her powers were going to be harder to control and wasn’t looking forward to training at all. But if she wasn’t going to ‘train’ than why was she even here?

Mia looked at him, so he did know. She gulped and looked down at her wrists. “I knew my mom made the appointment… She told me.. She didn’t tell me she talked to you about my history…” She sighed and then looked up at the ceiling “If you already know about it. Why am I here?” Was she really going to have to go into details? She rather not and she forced herself to not leave. Because at this point she really wanted to.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“Do you like it?” Sean asked curiously. He noticed the air quotes and knew that those typically conveyed sarcasm. He also tried not to ask too many inane questions, since everyone had their own opinions about where they grew up, apart from stereotypes; Sean preferred to hear people’s opinions on where they grew up free of such questions.

He didn’t have many opportunities to discuss the suburb where he’d lived his earliest years, but he certainly had opinions about the cultural narrative.

“You aren’t talking to each other by choice?” The psychiatrist didn’t believe that everyone could, or even should necessarily, be friends, but there was a difference between reaching that conclusion based on interaction and mutual accord, and being shunned. He didn’t think that she should be shunned by her roommate, particularly not when she was just getting settled in.

Sean followed her gaze to her wrists. Her mother had told him about the attempts and the mutilation behavior from before she had come to Hammel, and that was why he would have wanted to speak to her, even if her mother hadn’t made the appointment herself. It was important to address and for him to keep an eye on her, even if she had moved past it for now. New circumstances could cause relapses.

“You’re here so that we could establish a relationship,” he told her gently. “You’re here so that you know that I know, and so that you can learn that you can talk to me about these things. You aren’t here to be shamed or blamed or to have to worry that anyone else will learn about this.”

[Mia Bell]

Mia blinked “ I love it. It’s just the whole thing about how they try to use that line for tourists to visit…” She shrugged; the reason why people don’t like Barrow is because it’s ‘on top of the world’ but they use it as an attraction. It’s not like it’s describing the state. She personally didn’t like using that line, and did use it in sarcastic way. But it was only because she didn’t like the line or statement. She loved and adored the little city she grew up in.

Mia shrugged “I guess.. We don’t really have anything in common.. Or so I think.. We just say hi to each other, that’s pretty much all we say.” She didn’t know if her roommate was shunning her or not. But at this point she was used to being shunned; at least someone what. She didn’t want to get into it.

Mia looked up at the ceiling as tears fell onto her cheeks at his words. She looked at him “Relationship? What so it will be easier for you to keep tabs on me for my mother? Or to make sure I don’t try killing myself again?” She looked away “Or to keep your mind at ease so if I do try it wouldn’t be because of you.” She moved to wipe away the tears, but she didn’t stop crying. She knew a lot of people started to be nice to her because it put their mind at ease. Then there were the people who completely shunned her because they just didn’t want to be a part of her ‘drama’. She ran a hand through her hair “Why do you care? Why do you care that I talk about it?” He was the first person to tell her she could talk about it. And with him she wouldn’t be judged; but she didn’t get that.

Mia sniffled and wiped away more tears as she shook her head slightly. “Why aren’t I? Everyone else has made or tried to make me feel ashamed for what I did. My Grandma blames me for my Ma’s stress and worry. I know I am to blame for it all, it was my choice after all.” It’s not something she wanted, and she feels guilty about it every day. But she couldn’t change what she had done and a part of her didn’t want to. She knew she had been selfish when she tried to take her own life and still selfish saying she wouldn’t change doing it. She did feel a little better knowing that he wouldn’t tell anyone about her past. Mia also knew she was having her own little pity party at this moment. It wasn’t something she planned on doing; she didn’t even plan on talking.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean nodded his understanding of that. Not all roommates were compatible as friends, but it sounded as though they were at least on civil terms. Civility was, sometimes, all that one could expect, but as long as there was no bullying and no active shunning, it was acceptable. “I understand. Perhaps you’ll get closer in time. If not, at least she respects your boundaries, I hope.”

His expression remained gentle and sympathetic, but he was distressed on her behalf. As her eyes began to water, he immediately reached for the box of tissues he kept on his desk and moved it closer to her, so she could use it to dry her tears.

He then shook his head, denying several of her accusations. Even though her mother had been the one to arrange the appointment, he wasn’t an agent of her mother, and he wouldn’t report any information told to him in confidence to anyone. He certainly hadn’t scheduled the meeting as a way of covering himself against liability; he didn’t want her to make another attempt on her own life, but that was because her life was inherently precious, not for his own sake. “A relationship so that you feel comfortable talking to someone about anything that might bother you, now or in the future. A relationship so that you aren’t alone. But it isn’t for my sake, and it isn’t for your mother’s. It’s for yours.”

Because she mattered.

Sean maintained eye contact with her, shaking his head again because the lessons she had absorbed from others were entirely the wrong ones. “They shouldn’t try to make you feel ashamed, because you shouldn’t feel ashamed. That does nothing for you, and they were wrong to do it.” The psychiatrist wanted to make it plain that this wasn’t her fault, and guilt and shame wouldn’t help her.

“Whatever other people have told you or made you feel in the past has no bearing on what I’m telling you now. I’m here for you to be a confidant. What you tell me is confidential, and it won’t be repeated to your mother or to your grandmother, or to any of the other faculty.”

[Mia Bell]

Mia grabbed a couple of the tissues from the box and started using one to dry her eyes. Though it didn’t help all too much, since she was still crying. “Thank you” She could see why he kept tissues and was a bit grateful for that.

Mia blinked at him as he shook his head. She hugged her knees to her chest; feeling more comfortable like this as she cried a little harder at his response. No one has ever said that to her, her mother always tried to ignore what happened other than worrying she might do it again. “But if it’s not for your sake, and you’re not doing it because my Ma called you. Why do you care?” During the past two years, she realized just how selfish people can be. No one had ever asked how she felt about anything that happened. She blinked at him “Are you just saying all this because it’s your job?” She wanted to know why he was being so nice to her, about all of this. She wasn’t used to it. She knew people cared about her, just not what she had been through or her feelings on it.


Mia looked at him “If I shouldn’t feel ashamed then what should I feel?” She did feel guilty, she felt guilty because her mother was suffering from this, she felt guilty because what she did wasn’t something her father and brothers would have wanted to do. But she felt like it was the only way out from the pain she was feeling. She felt like it was her fault because she was the one that pushed people away from helping when she had gotten into her depression. If it wasn’t for the guilt, she wouldn’t have had any problems with what she had done. She knew she was wrong and hopefully wouldn’t do it again.

She nodded “alright..” She guessed it was just him that knew about her past; which made her feel better about all of this. “thank you..” She wiped away more tears with the tissue just for more tears to be replaced. She really hoped no one found out about these sessions. She didn’t know how she could handle having people find out about this. The question is, where were they going to go now in this conversation?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean found it distressing that she apparently believed nobody acted from motivations other than self-interest or obligation, at least as far as this situation was concerned. In one sense, it was unsurprising given the stigma around mental illness, depression, and suicide in their society; in another sense, it remained distressing to him, both as a psychiatrist and as a humanist. “I care because you’re another human being and you matter because of that,” he explained to her.

He then shook his head in response to her other question, maintaining eye contact so she could see the veracity of what he said. “I’m explaining confidentiality because that’s part of my job, and you’re entitled to know that. And I have this job because I care, not the other way around.”

If he didn’t care, he would have found another career path. He certainly wouldn’t have remained at Hammel through the worst of it if he didn’t care about the students’ individual and collective wellbeing.

The psychiatrist tilted his head slightly at the question. “Aside from ashamed, what do you feel?” He didn’t want to dictate what she felt; he wanted her to know that she shouldn’t be ashamed for having a moment of darkness. They could discuss whether her other emotions were healthy or productive, but he wanted to know what they were.

[Mia Bell]

Mia looked at him, tears not stopping; she didn’t think they were going to stop at this point. She hugged her knees closer to her. “You seem to be the only one that does care..” She didn’t want to admit it, she didn’t want to think that no one cared about her well being. But from past events it didn’t seem like no one cared. Everyone acted out of self-interest; she was so used to it. That’s why she never cried in front of anyone, because no one cared she was hurting, or showed no sighs they cared. What if she never meant to be on this planet? Maybe she was meant to die at the age of fifteen… Though if that were true she guess she would have died that day and wouldn’t be alive. She still couldn’t help but wonder what importance she had here, how important was her life?

She blinked at him; even more tears falling on to her cheeks as she did so. “Would you have made this appointment even if my Ma hadn’t called you?” She wondered if he would have even known about it if it wasn’t for her mother calling him. “Why do you care so much?” She wondered how it gotten to her asking him just as many questions as he was asking her.

Mia looked away from him at the question. “In general? Or about me slitting my wrists?” There was a number of things she generally felt. Lonely was the first word that came to mind. “If you’re asking that question because you think I regret what I did. I don’t.. I don’t regret doing to.. I regret all the pain it put my Ma and Grandma through.. But I don’t regret actually doing it..” She wondered if that was healthy or not; to not regret her actions.