TIME WARP: What if I Lost All I Had [Danny]

[Cobalt Weaver]

August 1977

"He's got the metahuman gene," a kind faced recruiter explained to the Mother Superior, "we can help train him at Hammel Institute in Vermont. He'll get a top notch education. He'll be considered a ward of Vermont and Hammel can give him an allowance for whatever clothes or other supplies he will need. I just need you to fill out this paperwork."

Cobalt watched for a moment with wide, betrayed eyes as papers exchanged hands.

"We'll come by to pick you up tomorrow morning, okay?" The recruiter offered the child a smile that Cobalt didn't return. Her expression faltered and then morphed into sympathy. "It'll be all right, there's nothing to be afraid of--"

He turned on his heel and fled.

-

Cobalt curled up on his side under his rickety dorm bed. He knew this was stupid and babyish and weird, but he felt that if he was in open space any longer he would float away. Dust tickled his nose and coated his hair and he felt very, very alone. He was not going to cry.

[Danny Silverman]

Danny was worried about Cobalt. They’d had their doctor’s checkup—which was fairly normal—and then things had begun happening. The thirteen-year-old wasn’t sure what, exactly. But suddenly strange men were showing up to talk to Cobalt and he was gone for long periods of time. So when Mother Superior had asked Danny to check up on him, he hadn’t had to be told twice. He quickly hurried up to their room and, after looking around, slowly approached Cobalt’s bed and knelt down in front of it, peering under to offer his friend a timid and worried smile.

“Cobalt?” he asked quietly. “You okay?” he didn’t ask what had happened yet. That would come given enough time.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt sniffled, rubbing his nose against the sleeve of his shirt. When Danny's face appeared, his resolve to not cry began to waver. He swallowed thickly and shook his head. "I don't know." He croaked, fear and anxiety and confusion rising up in his throat. His breath was starting to come with difficulty and he didn't want to come out from under the bed. The sun was starting to become too bright these past few days and he was far too hypersensitive to want to cope with even the wane evening light. He wanted to be in the dark, where it was safe and nobody could see him.

But he also wanted Danny. He needed his best friend to be with him right now, so he reached out and tugged on Danny's arm, unable to articulate exactly what he wanted.

"I think people are going to take me away." He said, scooting over to make room for his friend. "I don't know what's happening to me, but I think they're going to take me somewhere for it. I don't--I don't wanna go." He was shaking now, his hands were sweating.

[Danny Silverman]

It was hard for Danny to see into the darkness under the bed, and he pushed up his glasses, trying to see better, before taking them off to rub at the smudges on them, hoping that it would help. It didn’t. But the croak and the terror in Cobalt’s voice made him lean forward anyways. He started as Cobalt tugged at his sleeve, then bit his lip, took Cobalt’s hand, and hesitantly crawled under the bed with him. As Danny was small, it was not a very tight fit, but the dark was slightly eerie to the Jewish boy. Still, he swallowed and wrapped an arm around Cobalt, tugging him close for both the comfort and to comfort him as well.

“What do you mean, take you away?” Danny asked, pushing the glasses up again. “They can’t do that, can they? I mean, there are rules and stuff. Like…like, the Bill of Rights?” he could feel his friend shaking, and he squeezed Cobalt tighter. “Shh. It’ll be okay. ‘m here. Just talk slow, okay?”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt sighed gratefully when Danny reluctantly edged under the bed with him. Had he been thinking clearly, he would have remembered that Danny didn't like the dark as much, and he would have made himself get out from under the bed and talked like a normal person. As it was, most of his mind had numbed over with anxiety, and his main instincts at present were to find someplace that felt safe. When Danny wrapped an arm around him, the other boy allowed his face to crumple with grief. Nobody could see him upset, so they wouldn't hold it against him. Nobody could see, that is, except for Danny, but Danny wouldn't hold anything against him.

Cobalt laughed slightly, shrill and with an edge of panic when Danny tried to talk about laws. "Danny don't be stupid, we're just kids." He burrowed his face into his friend's shoulder, "we live in an orphanage, of course they can take us away. All they...all they have to do is...sign paperwork." The boy shuddered, his voice catching and breaking into sobs.

"Something's wrong with me." Cobalt confessed through tears. "I don't know, I didn't do anything but th-there's something weird in my blood and now I have to go away but I didn't do anyth-ing." He shook and cried and struggled to not do any of these things. "S-sorry." He gasped, "I'll stop, I just." He pulled away enough to wipe furiously at his eyes. Whatever happened to not crying? He was furious with himself.

[Danny Silverman]

Was it true? Danny bit his lip. He supposed it was. He knew that they didn’t have rights a grown up would. Or even the rights that a kid who had real parents had, because then they would have parents to look out for them. He and Cobalt just had each other, and Danny knew that was all they would ever have. Except…Cobalt thought he was going to be taken away. Kept saying that he would be taken away, and that was very, very scary. Danny felt like he had a lump in his throat at the mere thought of Cobalt being taken away. What would he do without him? What would Cobalt do without him? He hugged Cobalt closer and buried his face in his friend’s hair to hide the tears and the soft sniffs as he tried not to cry.

“Nothing could be wrong with you,” he said it as fiercely as he could. “Nothing could be wrong with you. Just means that you have to be special, that’s all. I always knew it. Don’t…you don’t have to stop. It’s okay.” He offered Cobalt a tremulous smile. “It’s okay to cry. You…you always let me do it.”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt gasped through his sobs, trying to remember how to breathe regularly. He eventually had to roll onto his back, just so he could have room to actually inhale. But he kept a tight grip on Danny's hand. Danny's fierce assertion that there was nothing wrong with Cobalt--that there was never anything wrong with Cobalt--brought on a fresh wave of tears, but he pressed the heel of his hand to his eyes, knocking his glasses askew.

"Special means weird, Danny." He said quietly. "Special's just a nice way of saying there's something not right." Maybe this was why he couldn't talk to other people without feeling tight in his chest and scared for no reason. Maybe this was why he couldn't make words right, like everyone else. Maybe being metahuman, whatever that meant, was why he never felt right.

"I'm weird." Cobalt said despairingly. "I'm weird and wrong and I have to go away. They're taking me away tomorrow and...and I don't even have a choice!" A fresh wave of grief and fury rose up in his thin chest, and the hand that wasn't holding Danny's thumped the ground angrily. "I don't want to leave! Nobody ever asked me! Why didn't...why can't..." He curled back around his friend. "What am I supposed to do now?"

[Danny Silverman]

“That’s not true!” Danny could be fierce on this, even though deep down he wasn’t really sure what ‘special’ meant. But if ‘special’ meant ‘weird,’ then there wouldn’t be all those advertisements for “that special someone,” that had all those romantic things like chocolates and cards and stuff. Special just meant…different, right? Or unique or, as Danny admitted to himself, dear. Wonderful. He’d always thought of Cobalt as special to him, so how could it mean weird? But that was maybe because Danny was just thirteen and didn’t really know anything again. “Can’t be. They can’t take you away for just being weird.”

He wrapped his arms tighter around Cobalt as he listened to the despair in the other boy’s voice, and his eyes brimmed with tears again. He rubbed at them with the back of his sleeve and he sniffled again before managing to compose himself. He couldn’t start crying. But the thought of Cobalt leaving the very next day scared him. It scared him very much.

“I dunno, Cobalt,” he said in a very small voice. “I dunno. Why…why does it have to be tomorrow? What’d they say? Did they tell you this?” He couldn’t help hoping that maybe it was all a mistake: that his best friend didn’t have to go away.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt didn't have the energy to argue with Danny. Which was a rarity in and of itself; Cobalt usually had infinite reserves of energy to spiritedly argue with anyone. Now, however, he just curled up and shuddered slightly. "They can. Said I'm...something. Meta. Means there's something in my blood that makes me different. Some people get...like, wings or something. You wanna know what I can do?" He held up his hand in front of Danny's face, and watched as something dark and wispy curled off of it. Darker and deeper than smoke. His eyes were unnaturally bright in the dark. "They call it shadow manipulation." He tucked his arms against his chest and waited for Danny to be afraid of him forever.

"So... I am weird." He sniffled. Hearing the tears in Danny's voice made his own eyes fill again with tears as well. "Yeah. they told me that I had to go tomorrow 'cause it's in Vermont and the school year is starting and...I don't think they'll let me come back." He turned to look at his friend, the only person to ever smile and accept and be safe. His shoulders shook violently, even though he had run out of energy to cry.

"I don't know what to do." He confessed, his eyes wide and terrified. "Nobody...nobody even fought for me." He rubbed at his eyes. "Nobody wanted to keep me."

[Danny Silverman]

Danny didn’t like the dark. Perhaps it was silly of him, but he didn’t like when all the lights were turned off, and sometimes it was only Cobalt’s voice that kept him from panicking in the night. When he had nightmares it was even worse, but somewhere inside, Danny was convinced that there really were monsters in the dark, and they were out to get him. So when Cobalt held out his hand, Danny almost flinched back, and stared at Cobalt, wide eyed behind his glasses. Then he swallowed his nerves, reached out, and gently pushed his fingers through the shadows to grab Cobalt’s hand.

“I…I think it’s cool,” he said, and even managed a nervous, but sincere, smile, even though his own eyes were bright too. “Not weird. It’s…it’s like those movies, you know? Or those books where kids have adventures. Or comics! Cobalt, you’re like…you’re like x-men! That’s cool, right?” But the thought of Cobalt leaving the very next day scared him. He rubbed at his eyes. “But you mean…gone for good? You won’t…you won’t come back at all? Not to like, visit and things?”

But he pushed his own feelings aside because of how terrified Cobalt seemed, and moved closer to him so their shoulders were bumping.

“I want to keep you,” he offered, very quiet.

[Cobalt Weaver]

For a moment, Cobalt really thought Danny was going to finally be afraid of him. He thought that his only friend was going to run away and he would have nothing left to lean on and he would finally crumble away. But then Danny reached out, like he always did, and grabbed his hand through the dark. Cobalt squeezed his eyes shut, trying in vain to forestall any more tears. "Thanks." He said quietly. Thanks for so many things Cobalt couldn't even begin to articulate. "Thank you."

He managed a watery chuckle at the mention of movies and books and adventures. "I can't do anything cool with it. It's just...a thing." He supposed that if he had just been left alone, he would actually like his newfound ability. Now he could hide in the dark as much as he wanted. But it was nowhere near worth the price it cost.

"I'm a ward of the state of Vermont now." Cobalt said bitterly. "So I don't think I get a choice in anything anymore." Just thinking about it, about being alone and cut away from everything he knew made him feel nauseous. Why hadn't anyone stuck up for him? Why didn't anyone protect him? Did everyone want him to go that badly?

Danny's words made him startle, jerking his head up to look at the other boy. He stared at Danny for a long moment, his face in devastated shock. Finally, his expression crumpled and he launched into heaving sobs, unabashedly bawling his eyes out into Danny's shirt.

"I want to keep you too, I want to keep you too." Cobalt wailed helplessly, his little fists clutching Danny's shirt. "I wanna st-stay! I didn't...I didn't do anything! I didn't do anything wrong I just w-wanna stay with you!"

[Danny Silverman]

Danny just offered Cobalt a timid smile back. “You don’t n-n-need to thank me,” he offered quietly. “You never need to thank me. You’re…you’re my best friend.” He sniffed again. “I dunno what I’d do without you. B-besides. It is pretty cool. Maybe…maybe they’ll teach you an’ stuff, and you can be a superhero kind of person and go around fighting crime. That’d…that’d be cool. Or maybe you’ll meet Xavier! I hear he’s…he’s nice.”

But Xavier, as far as Danny and his limited knowledge could tell, didn’t just take people away from everything they’d known. “What does being a ‘ward of the state’ mean?” he asked timidly. “Is it like being in an orphanage, then? Because if it is you should just stay here. And they could teach you here, so you wouldn’t have to leave.” He’d like that better. He didn’t want Cobalt to leave.

He was shocked by Cobalt’s sudden breakdown, and the boy’s clinging to him made him hit his head on the bed. But then he was clinging back to Cobalt and tears were brimming and he was biting his lip so hard to not let a teardrop spill.

“I-I know,” the older boy whispered, hugging him tight and rocking. “I know. I don’t…I don’t want you to leave. I wish—I wish you didn’t have to! I wish we could...run away! Like they do in the movies. And no one would ever find us."

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt struggled to keep his breath, his head pounding with a pressure headache. He shuddered, wiping his eyes again on his sleeve. “Thanks for being my best f-friend.” Cobalt gasped, trying to recover from his bout of sobbing. “I know I d-don’t need to but I want to say it anyw-ways.”

“Xavier isn’t real, stupid.” Cobalt murmured, resting his head on Danny’s shoulder. He was exhausted and cried out and his head was aching and heavy. “He’s just some dumb comic book character. An’ I wouldn’t wanna meet him anyways. He’s stupid.” He knew in the back of his mind he was being difficult, but he was tired and hurt and scared more than he was embarrassed. “What a dumb character anyways.”

“Danny, we’re wards of the state now.” The boy continued quietly. “It just means that the state pays for us ‘cause we don’t have parents to buy us stuff like clothes and stuff. I’m just gonna be a ward of a diff’rent state. An’ I already asked that.” He shook his head. “It’s like a school. I gotta go to their stupid school for my own safety.” His face twisted mockingly. “Which is stupid ‘cause I can’t even hurt anybody. Nobody’s listening to me.” He’d tried to explain that he couldn’t leave yet. He just couldn’t. He couldn’t leave Danny all by himself. He didn’t know how to say that he didn’t know what he would be without Danny. He didn’t think he’d be anything at all, and he wasn’t ready for that. He knew he’d have to be separate from Danny eventually, but he had always believed it would be later. Not yet, not yet…

Because this was the only place he felt safe, tucked away with Danny in the dark. They didn’t understand that because nobody had asked. He shook his head. “Already thought of that. But they’ve got people whose superpower is to find people. I don’t have a choice.” That had been the real horror of this situation: nobody asked Cobalt because nobody cared what Cobalt wanted. He didn’t have a choice.

Cobalt made a little distressed noise, still shaking violently. His breath was stuttering out of his lungs and he felt like he was being crushed. “I don’t have a choice, I d-don’t h-have a choice.” His body trembled with nervous energy and his eyes were starting to glaze over in panic. He was starting to forget how to breathe. “I—I—I…” He stuttered, losing the words that piled up in the back of his throat. “I can’t…” The boy curled over Danny’s shoulder, panicking.

[Danny Silverman]

Danny’s responding laugh was weak and a little wet as well as he brushed at his eyes, and then offered his own sleeve to Cobalt with a still tearful smile. “Why are you t-t-thanking me?” he asked. “W-without you I’d b-be toast anyways.” He couldn’t count the number of times that Cobalt had stuck up for him or saved his bacon. He wouldn’t know what to do without him.

Danny actually thought that Xavier was pretty cool, but he recognized that this wasn’t the time to bring it up to Cobalt and just hugged the boy closer, closing his eyes. For one of the first times, he found he was grateful for the dark. It soothed his aching head and made him feel like they were really alone, and that they didn’t have to pretend for anyone else and didn’t have to watch what they said, because it was just them. Him and Cobalt. Best friends forever.

“’m listening,” Danny offered quietly, not even looking up. “Adults never listen anyways, you know that. But maybe…maybe they know best, just this once?” His face screwed up. “Maybe that’s what growing up means. You learn what’s the right thing to do. But I don’t think it’s the right thing this time, but maybe it’ll…it’ll be okay! Maybe one of the teachers’ll want to adopt you or something.” It happened in the movies, right? A child gets shipped away from the orphanage and someone adopted them. He could hope for Cobalt’s sake. He swallowed. “An’ I’ll write and stuff, of course. Always.”

His eyes widened as Cobalt began to shake, and then he pulled the other boy into a tight hug and rubbed his hand up and down his back, hugging him close. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said, trying not to panic himself. “Jus’ breathe, okay? ‘m here. No matter what happens, I’m here, and I’m gonna be here, okay? Even if I gotta follow you to that stupid school. Shh, it’s okay…it’s okay…”

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt shrugged mutely, exhausted and short of breath and ill-equipped to explain that thank you meant not only “thank you for being my friend” but “thank you for listening. Thank you for fighting for me, thank you for never giving up on me, thank you thank you thank you…

Cobalt tried to calm himself down, to remember to breathe, to stop crying because he couldn’t cry and have a panic attack at the same time because he didn’t think he would have enough breath for that. Danny’s presence was, as always, a calming and comforting force, but even the comfort of his best friend was undercut by the fact that he was going to have to learn how to live without it. He didn’t think he could. He didn’t know how to survive without him. He didn’t think it was possible.

“Pr-omise you’ll w-write?” Cobalt gasped, stuttering out that crucial question between choked sobs. His chest felt like there was something pressing on it and he didn’t know what to do about this, but he needed this assurance at least. He gulped shallow little breaths that weren’t giving him enough air. “’Cause I-I don’t th-ink anyone’s g-onna w-want me an’ I d-don’t w-anna be alone.” He buried his head into Danny’s shoulder once more, listening to his friend’s heartbeat and trying to match his breathing.

The hand on his back was soothing enough and Danny was promising to stay with him. Slowly, these words sunk in through the haze of panic and anger and worry. Danny was going to stay with him. He wasn’t going to be alone. Nobody could stop them; he did have a choice in this. Eventually, his breathing leveled out, and he lay limp and emotionally strung out on Danny’s shoulder. His eyes were drooping shut and his limbs felt heavy.

“Sorry.” He said quietly. And then, because Danny would never, ever tell anyone he said this, “I’m scared.”