I Won't Do It Again, I Promise (Zach)

[Malachai Roen]

Set forward to March 13

Kai felt.... Beat.  He'd just finished his last final of the term, and had gone out for a celebration dinner of one to try to get himself relaxed and prep for his last term at school.  He was looking forward to graduating, though he knew he'd be in grad school for a couple more years after, at least...  Still, at least there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

A heavy guilt weighed on his shoulders, though.  He should have asked Zach to come and celebrate with him, or something.  Kai had seen the texts, but had blatantly ignored them, being far too caught up in his test anxiety to even give one-worded answers.  He had to talk to the guy, but how?  He was sure Zach was pissed.

He hadn't checked his phone since earlier that day, though, so by the time he got back to his apartment around ten in the evening, he didn't expect what he found:  Zach himself, slumped outside his door, asleep by the looks of it.  The normally carefully poised man slumped, guilt once again washing over him like a wave as he stared at the guy.  What the fuck was he supposed to do?

Finally, Kai stepped forward and leaned down to the man's level, placing a large hand on his shoulder and shaking gently.  "Hey," he said softly, searching for signs of life.  "This isn't any place to sleep."  There was so much more he wanted to say, but.... The words weren't coming.

[Deleted]

Zach had come straightaway to Kai's apartment after he sent that last text saying he was going to do so. Maybe there was the expectation that the notification would be enough to finally get Malachai to respond but…..it didn't matter, Zach was pissed and worried and about a million other things and the end of the world wasn't going to stop him from showing up at Kai's apartment and giving that giant Asian a piece of his mind!

Of course, when he showed up, Kai wasn't even there. He waited. And waited. And waited. Finally he just sat down, ignoring any stares he got from other residents and rested his head in the nook between the door and the door-frame. No, he wasn't tired. No, he wasn't falling asleep. He was just closing his eyes for a moment…..

Zach felt a hand on his shoulder and a familiar voice. "Kai…?" he mumbled. His eyes fluttered open to see the face of the man he'd been anxious to see for nearly….

Right.

Now he remembered.

That initial face of relieve as if he'd just taken a huge shit disappeared in an instant and was replaced with one that could turn one to stone. "There you are," he curdled with a slight laugh in his voice. Zach grabbed the wrist that had roused him from the shoulder and gripped it hard….which wasn't very hard, mind you. That didn't matter, what mattered was that this guy was finally home. And that meant Zach could berate him for being an idiot! "Kai…" he started ominously. "It's been a while, huh? Why don't you tell me Kai…how long has it been?"

[Malachai Roen]

Kai smiled faintly, hearing Zach say his name in that sleepy voice; fuck, he'd missed this. It had... Really been way too long, and he knew it was his fault, but... What was he supposed to do?!

But as soon as the man's face darkened, Kai flinched back a little, unable to pull his hand away before Zach grasped onto it. Well... What had he expected? A warm welcome? No... He knew he deserved what was coming for him. Didn't mean he would like it, though.

"Yeah, well, I just had my last final earlier, so...." He trailed off, and cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I'm free for a week or so." Kai tried to pull his hand away, eyes averted towards the ground like a guilty child. "How long?" he repeated in a distant voice. "Um... I don't know... A month, maybe?" Shit, had it been that long? No wonder it had felt like ages.

In a weak attempt to try to restrain any further rants, Kai looked up and leaned in, brushing his lips against Zach's. "I, uh... I just got your texts..." he mumbled, which was a lie. ".... Sorry." That didn't even begin to cover it.

[Deleted]

Zach didn't know what would've made him more furious; Kai having been completely oblivious about his distant behavior and how it might've been perceived, or the fact that he knew very well that he was ignoring and pushing Zach away with every single half-assed response over the past couple weeks only to try and brush it away with an equally half-assed apology? Like he was doing right now. Though honestly it wouldn't have mattered either way, Zach was still livid and was going to make sure Kai knew it.

"A month? Try five weeks. Thirty six days. Of absolutely nothing!" He was definitely yelling now. "Usually you come bursting in out of nowhere, completely intruding on anything and everything I have to do, but then you just vanish of the face of the planet, and I don't know if you're ok, living or dead, if you're sick of me or just don't care or just being your normal, stupid insensitive self while I go insane trying to figure out what the fuck's going on with you and trying to get you to respond with something a little more than "I'm busy"!" Zach was breathing hard after that rant and at some point hand managed to stand up and take a few pressuring steps towards the idiot known as Malachai Roen.

Zach scowled, not believing for a second that Kai had read a single one of his texts all week. And was even more irritated to hear that stupid meek apology as if that was supposed to make up for five weeks worth of nothing. "Did you now?" he said accusingly. "And?" he asked, crossing his arms as if he expected a reply to them. "Your response?" he clarified. This was, of course, a trick question.

[Malachai Roen]

Okay... Kai knew this was coming. He knew Zach well enough to know the guy, while somewhat easy to push around, had this sort of defiant streak in him, and... Well, Kai had been acting pretty awful, and he knew it, so it wasn't a surprise that Zach... Exploded.

The first thing he thought was you counted? The fact that Zach knew exactly how many days it had been made Kai's face go slack, and his cheeks burned with embarrassment and guilt. He cringed back slightly, the usually poised, calm man obviously breaking against this onslaught of blame. He had nothing to say, nothing that would make this better; Zach's words were like a knife cutting repeatedly against his skin, breaking down his pride and revealing the naive, uncertain man beneath. He stood there, staring at the ground, even as Zach stepped towards him; he felt dizzy, sick to his stomach. How had he let this happen?

"I..." Kai shook his head, as though trying to clear his mind of the rant. "What... Do you want me to say?" he asked, crossing an arm over his chest and rubbing the opposite arm. "I'm an asshole? I don't deserve to have y- to know you? Fuck, I know that shit, Zach, I just..." He trailed off and looked away. "I get... In these states... Where I just have to cut out everyone that dist... That I can't fucking stay away from." He let out a hard breath and swiped a hand through his hair. "It... It's not just you, okay? I isolate myself from... From everyone." Although, admittedly, romantic relationships, especially his with Zach, suffered the most. He ignored Zach's questions and went on. "I know I hurt you. And I'm sorry. I'm really, sincerely sorry. If there's... Anything I can do..."

He looked up at Zach finally and shakily brought a hand to his cheek, swiping the pad of his thumb across the surface. "I have ten days until the next term starts up," he breathed. "I'll spend as much time with you as you want... If that's what you want." He gave a sad smile. "Unless, of course, I'm too much of a snobby bastard to be worth your time anymore."

[Deleted]

Oh hell yes, Zach counted. Because unlike some time retarded people, Zach actually paid attention to when and what and where he did things. And definitely with whom. It should have been embarrassing for Zach, because it surly made him look like a desperate girl who had nothing better to do than wait around for her man to call(and Kai wasn't Zach's "man", just to be clear!), but he was too furious to even consider how this whole interaction made him look, especially right out there in the hallway.

Some part of Zach wanted Kai to fight back. Get mad. Zach was being completely unreasonable! Even if Kai was just being the typical student that isolated themselves from the world during exam times, Zach was the one who just couldn't be patient enough to wait until it was all over…. But hearing what did come out of Kai's mouth… Zach was just finding and handing on every word he said - the lame excuses, how he corrected himself, how he just kept chanting "i'm sorry" as if that was going to erase the past five weeks and give back all those lost hours of worry and anxiety - Zach was just looking for any and every excuse to stay angry at the idiot workaholic.

"So I'm just a bother to you, huh?" Zach stared him down, daring Kai to just admit it. "Never mind you come track me down at all hours of the anytime, when it's convenient for you, just so you can get your own itch scratched. Never mind that I have work I have to do too, but nooo. You show and and I have to fucking drop everything just to indulge your rich-boy ego! Of course, if anyone dares to disturb you when you have a truckload of shit to get done, oh, well then you can't be bothered!"

No, Zach was not done yet. "I get it! You're busy! Of course you are, you're a student, so am I, I've been working my ass off the past three weeks trying to get my assignments done, working at the newspaper, hell, I even had to go home and fix the stupid tree house because it got damaged in all that snow we had. And as soon as I get home, I just want to relax, but no, I get right back to work and in the extra time I do have, I'm worrying about you and whether or not you're dead or alive or off at one of your parties or just being an asshole. I've hardly slept, I turned in that paper late, which by the way I got a B- on. A B minus! I don't get B minuses! I've got one thing going on after another and when I have twenty minutes of freedom to spare to just see you for a stupid, quiet lunch, you blow me off! You can't even spare twenty, fucking, minutes!!"

Zach stopped, reeling himself back before he got too out of hand and said something he was going to regret. But what he'd said so far? Nope. There were a few things he wasn't expecting to admit, but for the most part, Zach got out everything he wanted. "Th...that's it," he started again, a bit shaken and hesitatingly. "I'm done..."

Zach turned on his heel and started to walk away.

[Malachai Roen]

Kai didn't... Feel angry. At all. Maybe he should, maybe the yelling should set off a defensive spark in him, but... He didn't feel it. All he felt was overwhelming guilt and upset for making Zach so obviously hurt. The yelling was almost a relief, actually - it meant that Zach cared about being around him, that Kai wasn't just the annoying rich brat that Zach so often seemed to think he was. Well... Maybe he was still that too, but at least it wasn't enough to push the older boy away completely. Not yet, anyway. Not like... Her. And he hoped that wouldn't happen again.

Still, it hadn't kept him from acting like he had, did it? Fuck, what was wrong with him?

"I didn't say you were just a bother," he replied, almost tiredly. "I'm saying-" Kai was cut off as Zach's tirade continued, and he went silent, just letting the grad student get it all out; it had obviously been stewing for a while, and it wasn't any good to hold it in and have it fester. It wasn't easy to take, but he did the best he could, cringing at certain points with his head hung dejectedly. It wasn't even an act; he felt ashamed.

Damn... The guy could sure be long-winded when he wanted to be.

Kai's head was reeling by the time it was all out, and he paused, frozen, waiting to see if anything else was coming. When Zach said he was done, Kai was still silent, lips slightly parted as if he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. It took Zach turning away and beginning to leave to get the tall man to move again.

"Zach, wait, I-" He reached forward and grasped his hand around Zach's wrist, like one of those stupid Korean dramas, complete with the desperate, scared look and the tension in the air. "P... Please don't go. Not now." Kai swallowed, reaching into his pocket to grab his keys and begin unlocking his door, still holding onto Zach's arm. He opened the door and tugged lightly on the older man, the picture of desperation. "Please let me at least try to make it up to you. I know I can't... Take back what I did... But I promise, it won't happen again. And... And if it does, I'll at least let you know."

Kai reached out to take hold of Zach's other arm, attempting to get him to look up at him. "I know it doesn't... Seem like it, but..." Kai took a deep breath, gaze dropping to the ground. "... I really, really like you. And the reason I didn't... Meet you at all... I was afraid I wouldn't be able to leave." Something about Zach just... Captivated Kai, and he still didn't know why. "Please... Don't leave me now."

[Deleted]

That was it. Zach was done, he got out everything he was going to say, he got to yell at Kai, he got to see that idiot's stupid face and see that he wasn't dead or deathly ill, and now all Zach wanted to do was go back home and sleep for the next 10 years. Already Zach was starting to feel the weight on his eyes.

But Kai…of course, Kai wouldn't even let Zach leave. He wouldn't go see Zach when he wanted him to, he wouldn't let Zach leave when he wanted to, did this guy just not get it?

Zachary pulled weakly against Kai's grip around his wrist. Even if he really wanted to break free, Zach probably didn't have the energy for it. He barely had the energy to berate the taller man some more for being such an insistent kid. "Kai…." he said with a tired whine in his voice. "Don't….I did what I wanted to do, I said what I wanted to say…." He tried to pull his wrist back again, but his feet were still lazily moving forward in the direction Kai was leading him. "Just let me….I have other things I need to do, you know." He looked down to the right, avoiding eye contact with Kai. It wasn't until Kai took hold of his other arm that Zach seemed to relax a bit more….for about 2 seconds.

Zach blinked up at Kai when he explained himself better and Zach immediately turned red. "I….Didn't I just say I got it?! You don't have to…go saying that kind of stuff just to make me…." He looked down, trying to hide his face. His hands had curled into weak little fists. "I'm not----I told you, I have things I have to go do. I'm already behind schedule. It wasn't like I was…. planning on waiting around for two hours until you got home or anything. I just came to talk…and see your face. It got to, so now I'm leaving." He started to pull away again, but it seemed to lack the force and conviction of someone who really wanted to leave.

[Malachai Roen]

Kai felt bad for hanging on when Zach tugged against him, but he just couldn't... He couldn't let him just leave after what had happened. They needed to... To make up. Somehow. Kai was afraid that if he let the older man leave him now, he might never see him again, and on such bad last terms.... He couldn't take that. "Zach, please...." he mumbled, sounding completely unlike his usual cocky self. The only reason he didn't let go was because Zach was actually following after, slowly but surely. Kai took this as a sign of one of his normal 'I'm saying I don't want to do it but I really do' behaviors. "Just for a little while, please," he replied. "Just for a drink, or let me cook you dinner, or something." While seeing Zach stirred up other carnal emotions he always felt around him too, Kai didn't want to push his luck. Not yet, with everything still so raw.

Not unless Zach hinted at it, at least.

"I'm not just saying stuff," he mumbled, ushering Zach inside and closing the door behind them. There, safe... For now. "I mean it." He continued to stand there, holding onto Zach, trying to figure out the best course of action with the older guy still being so unwilling. "If.... If you're really that far behind, I won't force you, but..." As Zach tried to pull away again, Kai held on tighter for a moment, before letting his grip slip away with a defeated slump of his shoulders. "At least let me..." Kai hesitated, then took up Zach's chin in his hand again, this time landing a real, long, desperate kiss on his lips, hoping it would be enough to change the man's mind. "It will take me five minutes to whip something up," he promised breathlessly as he pulled away. "Just give me that. Please, Zach."

[Deleted]

Zach didn't know why he always did that; how he always said one thing when he appeared to want the exact opposite….heck, it was debatable if he was even conscious of it. No, he had to be. Zach was just too scared to say what he really wanted out loud…and maybe to himself too. That's why his protests and efforts to leave were always half-assed. He wasn't sure what he really wanted. Right now, he wanted to go home and just get back to work or crash in his bed. Now that he'd seen Kai, all the weight from that anxiety and worry that'd been built up over the past few weeks had dissipated and he felt like he could finally relax. He wasn't even angry anymore.

But if Zach went inside like Kai wanted then he knew where it was probably going to lead…and Zach wasn't sure if he was up for it.

Of course he wanted to…he was just so….

"Fine…" he said with a sigh and allowed Kai to lead him inside. "I…I know you're not…" Gee, now Zach was starting to feel guilty for ranting and raving like he did. Sure he felt better, but now, looking back, he really freaked out a little too much, and the realization of this, the embarrassment of it all, was finally catching up to him and Zach couldn't help but feel a bit ashamed. "I'm not…really….I finished everything a week ago…turned it in early…." He had nothing else to do, after all.

Zach curled his arms over themselves, a slight uncomfortable now that he'd finally separated himself from Kai's touch, but that was instantly dissolved when Kai stepped in and joined their lips. Zach didn't even give the other man a moment to rest after they parted before pulling him in again for another, completely ignoring what he'd just said. He'd missed this. "…I'm not hungry…." Zach said breathlessly. HIs eyes had lazed shut as he lingered mere inches away from Kai's stupid face.

[Malachai Roen]

That was something that both intrigued and irritated Kai... How Zach acted. He didn't always know what to think of it, and it kept him on his toes. He was... Sort of predictable, but not annoyingly so, and always gave up a bit of a fight before giving into what Kai wanted. It was a sort of game, and the younger man... Well, he enjoyed it as long as Zach didn't get really angry, like he had obviously been not too long before.

He let a thin smile cross his lips as Zach admitted to the false excuse. "Well, that's... That's good," he mumbled, scratching the back of his head. "Better than being behind, at least." Now that he had everything he needed to get done out of the way for the time being, he was feeling more relaxed, and also thinking... There was nothing keeping either of them from just wasting time together, right? "You sure you don't have anything more important than being cornered by an asshole like me?" he asked, just to make sure. He was still smiling.

Kai had to admit... He was surprised by the energy with which the older guy returned the kiss, and followed it with another one. Kai curled his arms around the small of Zach's back, relishing the feeling of holding him again, feeling his solid weight against his own and the taste of his lips. Fuck, he'd missed this. When they finally parted, Kai gazed down at Zach's tired expression, curling a strand of hair away from his temple. "You're exhausted, aren't you?" he said softly. "Come on, let's..."

He offered his support as he led Zach to his bedroom, for once without any carnal intent... Not now. Kai felt more worried and guilty for driving the man into such a state. He pulled back the sheets and ushered Zach into the bed, quickly going to change into his sleeping wear - just a pair of sweatpants - before getting in himself. "Is this... Alright?" he mumbled, wrapping a thick arm around his pale lover. He felt so... Uncertain. Insecure. It was strange.

[Deleted]

Zach would never admit, to either Kai nor himself, that he enjoyed these cat and mouse games they played……no he didn't, of course he didn't. Why would he like being pressured into doing things he would never even consider? Why would he be excited just to see how far out of his comfort zone Kai would force him? It was ridiculous to even conceive! That would make Zach….completely sick! Wouldn't it?

And it was not for that reason why Zach had grown so anxious in Kai's sudden absence from his life. There was no way that Zach had grown accustomed to having that giant dork around all the time, being his annoying and invasive self. But…it was still such a relief to see him finally. To feel his arms wrap around him, to feel Kai's lips on his own…

Zach might've been a little delirious, drinking it in all at once. Or just…so fucking…. "I'm not…tired.." Zach whined like a kid being told it was past their bedtime, clutching onto Kai's shirt just to hold himself steady. His eyes were barely open. His lips were puckered out as if he was about to go in for another kiss…yet he went nowhere except in the direction that Kai led him stumbling a little like a sleepwalker.

Once in the bedroom, Zach practically collapsed onto the bed, not even taking the time to remove his shoes or jeans or even his thick hoodie. He might've been knocked out for the few seconds it took for Kai to climb in beside him and Zach was instantly climbing on him with all the energy of a two-toed sloth. "I'm…not…tired!" he said again, his eyes actually open this time….for about 5 seconds. Then his head was left resting on Kai's bare chest and Zach started to breath deep and regular. He'd be out until morning.

[Malachai Roen]

"You are too tired," Kai shot back. It was obvious, now that he wasn't caught up in the explosive reunion - Zach looked like he could pass out at any moment, stumbling to the bedroom like he was. "Fuck, you never would've made it back to your place in this state," he teased, shifting himself to make sure the guy wouldn't keel over.

Kai sighed as Zach tried to insist on his not-tiredness, allowing the dork to crawl over him and flop onto his chest like the exhausted guy he was. "Go to sleep," he insisted, but it didn't even need saying - Zach was out like a light in seconds. The younger man chuckled and watched him for a while, running his thumb absent-mindedly up and down Zach's back, feeling his breath pool against his neck. It was a while before he was able to drift off himself - but when he finally did, he didn't stir until the next morning.

The light streaming through the blinds that hit Kai's eyes roused him, and the Asian man stifled a yawn as he squinted himself awake. It took him a moment to remember why there was a heavy weight on his chest, and he glanced down to see Zach still there. A slow smile crept across Kai's face, and he started toying with the man's hair, humming to himself. "Wake up, sleepyhead," he murmured, shifting enough to disturb Zach's relaxed position on him. "Who wants breakfast?"

[Deleted]

"M'not…" he slurred, still protesting Kai's words and his own unresponsive limbs. Though he wasn't sure he was hearing much of what Kai said next. It sounded more like he was speaking some other language…maybe he was? The tall asian man was asian, he probably knew a language or two and that's what he was doing! Mumbling in his native language about how dumb and silly Zach was so that Zach couldn't understand! Ohhh, Zach was gonna rip him a new one for that, just you wait and see….

Yeah….yell at him…that's what he was gonna do…

Unfortunately, Zach didn't get the chance to act on his plan and before he knew it, he was being roused by a very soothing voice. No, he didn't want to get up, he just wanted…another five minutes? Maybe another hour. Zach shifted, turning his head to rest his other cheek on Kai's chest and re-secure his grip around the younger man's torso.

It took him about 20 more seconds for Zach's brain to catch up with the present and realize that this was definitely not his own bedroom. Zach sat up with a start, staring forward utterly confused. He looked to his left, to his right, down at himself in the same clothes from the day before, then down at Kai, whom he was basically lying on top of. Ok, he recognized this as Kai's bedroom but…. "…uh….what….why am I here?" He put his palm up against his eye to try and rub away the haze that had clouded up the past couple nights. It was slow, very slow, in coming back.

[Malachai Roen]

Kai let out a small grunt as Zach shifted on him and clung tighter, chuckling lightly at the sleepy man. "We slept for like, ten hours," he mumbled. It'd only been, what, 10:30 when they got in bed? And the sun was already streaming through the window. "That's plenty of rest." Of course, Zach seemed like he was pretty far behind in his sleep, so he probably had more catching up to do.

Once Zach sat up all of a sudden, Kai blinked, letting his arm slip away from around the man's back, which he had wrapped around him unconsciously. He just watched as Zach seemed to apparently be trying to figure out where he was; it was amusing, honestly. "You came over to yell at me last night," Kai explained matter-of-factly. "Surely you remember that?"

He ruffled Zach's hair and began to move again, attempting to get out from underneath the older guy's heavy weight so he could get something to eat. He hadn't eaten when he'd gotten home last night, and his stomach was letting him know. "Sleep some more, if you want to. I'm going to make some omelets or something." Kai yawned and stretched as he managed to sit up, giving Zach a sleepy smile. "You still mad at me?"

Probably a dumb question to ask. Oh well.