I Don't Deserve Forgiveness (Gryph)

[Deleted]

Kodi felt sick to his stomach.  He blamed it on what he'd had for lunch, but he knew that wasn't the case.  He was nervous.  Anxious.  Scared.  It'd taken all of his courage to pick up the phone and text Gryphon after what had happened the night before.  The dentokinetic was usually the kind to avoid his problems and distract himself with other things, like alcohol, and violence, and sex.  But he knew that this wouldn't get resolved until he did something about it, and the longer he went on avoiding it, the worse it would likely get, so...

So he'd texted the older boy, asking to meet him by the lake.  Kodi didn't want to meet at either of their places; there were too many memories in each that might just... Make things more difficult.  He was relieved when Gryphon had agreed, but now that he was standing there, waiting for the other boy to arrive, he felt anything but relieved.

He'd fucked up.  Kodi knew he had. He never should have gotten drunk, not with Oriel.  What did he think was going to happen?  He might as well have just asked Oriel to come over to make out in the first place.  But.... But he hadn't wanted that.... Had he?

His drunken mind had told him yes.  His sober mind was just... Conflicted.  And horrified, thinking about how far they might have gone had Gryphon not interrupted.  Kodi had thought he was loyal.  Sure, he still had thoughts about his times with Oriel, but... But he was happy with what he had... At least, he'd thought he was....!

He sighed and pawed a hand through his dark hair, sitting down on a boulder beside the water and staring into the lake.  A few tiny fish swam by, catching his attention.  Stupid things, he thought moodily to himself.  You don't have to worry about this sort of shit, you can do whatever you want.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon didn't feel like himself. He could tell, he acted almost dull in comparison to what people would usually expect, because he was so... enraged and upset and confused that they all just seemed to cancel out his outward emotions, so he sounded and acted like a zombie. Everything was going on inside him. He was consumed with questions, suspicions and general thoughts which he wished didn't cross his mind, but he couldn't help it. It was just... so difficult. After having one relationship which was... how it was, and left him feeling devastated, and then having this? He'd had his trust broken once, but having it done again was no less shattering than the first time.

And then there was the fact that... he suddenly decided to proclaim his love. After all that shit, and how crap he felt, and Kodi just told him that he loved him. That was not fair. He was pushed through enough emotional turmoil - he wasn't sure why he said it, but if it was supposed to be some constellation, it just made him feel worse. How could Kodi say he loved him just minutes after almost cheating on him? That was plain... argh!!

Still, with all this, the main thing was that it needed to be talked about, so when Kodi asked them to meet up, he had to accept. He was almost glad of it, knowing how much he would've just avoided it otherwise. Gryphon arrived at the lake for the second time that day and walked for a short while, before his eyes caught on Kodi. He let himself pause and take a deep breath to keep himself calm, before walking closer to the boy on the boulder.

He really didn't know what to do, or how to start this conversation. He looked at Kodi, pretty certain his body had invented a new emotion from how crap he was feeling, and then he crossed his arms and looked at the grass under his feet. "Hi."

[Deleted]

Kodi honestly didn't remember much of what happened after he'd chased Gryphon down. Something about going back to his room, and talking, and falling asleep. That was about it. He knew he'd probably done some dumb stuff that he was glad he didn't remember, and wished Gryph didn't remember either. Really, he wished he could just take everything that had happened yesterday and erase it from existence.

But it wasn't that easy. Getting through this was going to take... Effort. Effort they wouldn't have had to go through if Kodi just had a bit more fucking self-control and common sense!

He heard the crunch of footsteps behind him, and tensed, but didn't look behind him yet. Kodi took a steadying breath, staring at his shoes, until Gryph spoke. Just one word. Slowly, the dentokinetic peeked around, feeling his stomach drop at the sight of his... Of Gryphon looking so hurt. "Hey," he replied, softly, nervously. Kodi swallowed and looked back to the water, scooting over a tad so there was room for Gryph to sit beside him on the rock if he wanted. "Thanks for... You know... Comin' out here." Kodi took a shaky breath. "I... Wasn't sure you'd want t'see me."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

This was gonna be crap. It already had been pretty damn awful, and it wasn't gonna start getting much better any time soon. He wished he could just wait and let it heal over time, but it wasn't that simple.

Gryphon could see as Kodi looked at him, but he couldn't look back. Just seeing him refreshed the emotions he had been feeling, he could hardly even dare himself to look him in the eye. He saw as the boy shuffled over, but remained standing for the moment. His fingers tapped on the side of his arm as Kodi spoke, his chest feeling tense. He shuffled his feet and bit his lip, "...yeah." He couldn't deny it, even if it wasn't fully true. He didn't want to see Kodi because he knew of what it would make him feel, not because he held some deep set hatred for him now.

He cleared his throat after a moment, "...what do you remember?" He needed a base mark. And he still didn't know what to say. What in the fuck possessed you when you almost cheated on me? Yeah, that was a brilliant question.

[Deleted]

Of course Kodi wanted to just ignore the problem until it magically resolved itself on its own, but that wasn't how life worked and he knew it. It fucking sucked and he hated it but this was all his fault anyway so he needed to make sure it got worked out, for better or worse.

He felt his stomach drop as Gryph kept standing, wishing now he hadn't moved so he didn't have this awkward, painful feeling in his chest. Kodi wished he could... No, he didn't wish he could read Gryph's mind to know what he was feeling. He was too scared to find out.

"What do I remember...?" he repeated, letting out a heavy sigh. "I remember... Well, Oriel... Came over. An'... We drank. Talked 'bout shit." Kodi barely remembered what anymore. "An' then... An' then he accused me of lookin' at him like I wanted him, an' he kissed me." Kodi smothered his face in his hands. "I swear that's what happened. I... I tried t'push him off, but he kept comin' at me, an' kept comin' an' I just..."

He looked back wearily at Gryphon, trying to judge if the winged boy was believing him or not. "I asked him t'stop. I did. I even got on the bed t'try t'get away... Which lookin' back now was a shit idea..." Yeah, no shit. "An' he followed me.... Started takin' off my pants..." He dragged his hands through his hair. "An' then you... An' then.... I don't remember much else past tryin' t'find you after you..." Kodi couldn't say it. "I swear that's what happened. I wasn't too drunk to imagine all that."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon felt too stiff to move. At least, not in a relaxed, natural way. He felt awkward and twisted and he didn't feel like he was gonna be getting comfortable anytime soon.

He closed his eyes as Kodi talked. Gryph mulled over what was being described to him in his head and... he didn't know how to act in these situations. He tried to keep his face emotionless, but it was too difficult to hide the angry tension. It was directed at both Kodi and Oriel, moreso to Oriel because from Kodi's description of events, it was him who initiated everything. But... he still had the same mindset as he had last night. If Kodi really didn't want it, he would've done more than just attempt at pushing him away. Being intoxicated would affect that, but... it was what he believed, no matter how much it upset him to think like that.

He believed him. But he still wasn't happy about it. It wasn't like he was suddenly gonna turn all 'rainbows and sunshine' because it may have been one person's doing more than the other. He gave a sarcastic humph of a laugh at Kodi's recognition of his shit idea. Yeah, now he realizes. He didn't wanna do what he did last night - become dark and sarcastic and sharp, but he couldn't help it if it slipped out.

As Kodi's explanation came to a close, Gryph turned his head a little, so he was looking at him again. His thoughts from earlier were still ticking over, but he nodded in acknowledgment. "Alright." He said, still thinking about what to say, "I... I believe you. But... I really need to clear up something." And he almost dreaded the answer. "Are you sure that you didn't want it?" And then his mouth began speaking without him;

"Because I don't like being played with, intentionally or not. And if you're not certain... then maybe you shouldn't have a commitment to somebody yet."

[Deleted]

Yes, there were some parts that Kodi was probably conveniently leaving out. That he still was attracted to Oriel, as much as he didn't want to admit it. That there was just something about the twisted boy that made Kodi's sick heart pleased, and brought out the worst in him. But that didn't mean the dentokinetic wanted to... To be with him. It just meant that Oriel was a cruel piece of temptation in Kodi's life that he'd given into and used the excuse of being drunk to explain it all away.

He was shaking a little as he finished talking, and wrapped his arms around himself, trying to hide it. Kodi couldn't even manage a sigh of relief when Gryph said he believed him; that was some consolation, but it didn't make everything better. Especially when Gryphon said he needed to know something. Kodi's eyes shut tight as he asked the question.

"....... No," he admitted quietly, after several long moments. "..... I've always been attracted t'that fucker. I can't help it. He's... So much like me, it's stupid." The truth was painful to admit, but he couldn't lie to the older boy. Kodi's gaze burned hotly into the ground. "I never... Never would've initiated anythin' though. I just... Couldn't fight it... As much as I wish I could have." He didn't dare look at Gryph as he said this.

".... Are you breakin' up with me?" he asked after another pause, his voice barely a whisper. "I don't.... I don't deserve you anyway. You've been too good for me since the beginnin'." Kodi's eyes were dry, but inside was a turmoil, threatening to release explosively at any moment. The idea that he was possibly going to lose Gryph over this stupid mistake... He was never going to forgive himself.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryph really hadn't known what to expect the answer to be. He wanted it to be yes, as in yes, and Kodi had just been too incapacitated to act on his wishes, or yes, and this was just a huge mistake. But it was no. Gryphon practically winced at that answer, not wanting it to be the case, even if that was what he was expecting. The explanation did nothing to aid him, but it was probably better that he had some reasoning, instead of just supposing like he had been doing before.

It still hurt, though. Because even if it wasn't the case, Gryph just felt like he wasn't good enough, again. Like he wasn't the right person. Or maybe Kodi wasn't the right guy? He hated considering that! Because even if the dentokinetic was... like he was, he couldn't denounce his attachment to him. It didn't feel wrong... not until now, at least. But this didn't feel wrong, just... painful.

As Kodi voiced the possibility, even though whispered, it felt like a shout, and it made the blood pound in his ears. He didn't want to break up with him, he truly didn't, but he couldn't put himself through the same, or at least, similar, pain twice. He went to speak, but as he took a breath, it came out shaky. He felt unstable, his legs were weak, and his heart was pounding. He didn't want this. One of his hands came up and covered his face as he went to speak again, "I don't..." He struggled to say anything at all. Gryphon made the mistake of glancing at Kodi, which just made his heart squeeze again. "I..."

His throat felt raw and eyes became wet. He turned away slightly, "You said... that... that you don't des-erve me, but-" Gryphon took a sharp breath and sniffed, "I don't... feel good enough." He felt a tear roll down his cheek and swiped it away. If Kodi felt like there was someone better suited to him, then Gryph wasn't good enough.

"I swear... I don't want to. But I... I don't know how to cope with... with feeling so insecure." He admitted, covering his face with both hands. He removed them a moment later, "If... if it's for the... best..." Then maybe they should part ways. Gryphon just felt so conflicted, he couldn't even tell what to do, even after thinking about it so much. He was lost.

[Deleted]

The last thing on Kodi's mind was that Gryphon wasn't good enough. No, Gryph was so far out of Kodi's league that he never should have even tried to go after him in the first place. He was kind, and giving, and selfless to a fault; Kodi was basically the opposite. How dare he try to claim someone so good for his own selfish wants? It... Wasn't fair to Gryph.

It tore him apart to see the older boy like this, from his doing. This was exactly why Kodi shouldn't have him. He was only going to cause him pain, intentional or not. Because he lacked self-control, he lacked the sort of support Gryphon should have, he just lacked all the qualities that a decent boyfriend should have... And he'd known that all along. And like a stupid fool, he'd ignored it!

His teeth sunk into his lip as Gryph spoke again, threatening to break through the skin. "The... The fuck," he growled, digging his fingers into his legs. "That... Don't make any sense, moron." His hissed as he unintentionally used their stupid nickname. "If you think that me doin'.... Doin' stuff with someone else means you're not good enough, then you're crazy." He growled again and thumped his fist against his thigh. "You ain't the problem, Gryph, it's me, okay!? This woulda happened sooner or later no matter what, because I'm fucked up an' obviously can't be someone's boyfriend without havin' urges for other people! That's... Fuck, that's just who I am! I can't change that!" Kodi hated how weak he was in that regard. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm so fuckin' messed up! I'm sorry I'm not the perfect person you deserve!"

His voice had gradually grown louder, so Kodi fell into silence, burying his face in his hands. His breaths were ragged, shaky. Each lungful hurt. "W-whatever is best for you," he mumbled into his palms. "I just want you t'be happy, dammit. An' if you can't be happy with me, then I ain't worth your time an' effort." Kodi couldn't believe what he was saying. Each word felt like acid in his mouth. "Just... Just forget about me. Forget this ever happened. It'll... It'll be better that way."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryphon didn't see himself as some... ridiculously kind person. It was just how his morals were. Don't give to receive, treat others how you would want to be treated, stuff like that. It was just how he was brought up to be.

The use of the word 'moron' at the moment just stung. Bad. It was misplaced. Gryph didn't like it. He listened but he didn't want to be here, he didn't want to be having this conversation anymore (not that he'd wanted to in the first place either). The tears stopped. The fact that as Kodi spoke, talked about how 'fucked up' he was and stuff, and Gryphon was trying to force himself to accept that, felt... wrong. He jolted as Kodi suggested that he deserved something of perfection. "I'm gonna be alone then, forever! Because nobody is perfect, I can't kid myself with that and neither can you." He took a shaken breath, "And maybe I don't want perfection! Maybe I want-" You. "-...something else." Call him insane, but Gryphon still believed that there was some way around this. He hoped there was. Because the only alternative to loving Kodi from a distance and coping with that, was hating him and avoiding him. He couldn't bear to do that more than anything.

Gryph shook his head and paced slightly, trying to steady his breaths so he could see some kind of reasoning but it just worked him up more. "You can't tell me to forget about something that made me happy." He said simply, "And... I don't know anymore. I just..." He paused and covered his face again, breathing for a few moments, before dropping his arms and looking at the ground, "I just don't fuckin' know." He mumbled. "With you or without you, I'm gonna feel pain sometimes. That's just how life works. With... s-somebody else, it would be the same. With someone else, it might even be worse." He shook his head, "I don't know what to do. Because believe or not, I don't wanna lose you. And that's not being kind or whatever, that's being selfish. And stupid."

Gryphon turned towards Kodi and looked at him, finally able to do so without crumbling, "I know you might hurt me. I know what you're like, I'm not that... moronic." Great vocabulary, right there. "I haven't been ignoring you the whole time we've been together. But I... shit, I want you to be happy too. And you can't tell me that getting rid of me is gonna make you any happier." No matter how crap Kodi thought he was, the idea of removing himself from the picture to possibly make Gryphon happier was selfless. And stupid, because it wouldn't make him happier at all. At least not at first. But Gryph never tried to look too far into the future, it was just a huge bunch of unknown, and he hated the unknown.

[Deleted]

Kodi felt a pressure behind his eyes that he'd begun to grow more familiar with, and he hated it. He hated crying. He saw it as weakness, of showing the world that there was something that had gotten to you so much that you let fucking water poor from your face without your control. It was the stupidest thing he thought the body could do... But he had no more control over it than anyone else. "You're perfect," he mumbled, voice barely above a whisper. "Perfect t'me..." Who else would have put up for him so long? Supported the feral boy like Gryph had? "I just... Don't want you t'fuckin' settle for some low-life fucker with no future," he growled. "You... You should have someone that's gonna be able t'support you, an' not someone that you have t'support all the goddamn time." Because that's all that Kodi was. A hindrance. Why would anyone see him as anything else?

His hands curled into fists in his lap. Kodi felt like he needed to run ten miles just to get all this tense, frustrated, guilty energy out of his system. Of course Gryph couldn't forget what they'd shared together, anymore than Kodi could himself. "I just don't know if it's gonna be worth it for you in the end," he choked out. "I can't... I can't promise this won't happen again. I'll try my damn well best, b-but... Fuck, I'm just shit at bein' a one-guy type'a guy. Maybe... Fuck, maybe if I don't ever drink again, I'll be able t'keep my self-control. I don't know." He passed his hand angrily through his hair. Drinking was his coping mechanism; without it, he would have to find something else, and that was... Daunting. "I don't want t'lose you either," he croaked. "I'm just tired of makin' you hurt. I'm tired of not bein' able t'control myself. I'm just tired."

He finally felt the moisture prick in his eyes, which Kodi quickly tried to rub away before Gryphon could see. "I don't understand why you want me so much, of all people," he whispered. "What attracts you t'the most unstable, messed up fucker in this town? Why donchu want to leave this all behind you an'... An' start somethin' new at college?" Kodi let out a pathetic sniffle and snorted right after, disgusted with himself. "Lookit me. Now I'm just a big fuckin' baby." He dug his fingers into his own hair. "You j-just must have the... The worst taste in men I've ever seen." He wasn't sure if he was trying to be funny or not, but nothing about this situation was humorous in the least. "..... An' you know what?"

He took a deep, shaky breath. ".... I think I'm in love with you."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

You're perfect.

Gryph shook his head, even if his insides seemed to twist into multiple knots and make him feel this huge... warmth, he didn't know what else he could call it. "I'm far from it." He said quietly. It was a huge sentiment, and given Gryphon's beliefs, it meant a huge deal to him to be told he was perfect. After that point, the words became difficult to come through. Anything he thought of didn't sound right. He began thinking about it so much that it just made him struggle to think about any of this. Because he knew what he wanted, to a point, but he also knew what would keep him 'safe', if you wanted to put it that way. Away from any possible drama or danger or worry. He didn't know what to say, so he just looked at Kodi. And then something came, "...so should you." Because even if Gryph didn't need support in the sense that Kodi did, his life wasn't a fairytale. He worried about other people too much, and had his own problems to deal with. And Kodi was a human being like everyone else - he deserved and needed support too, and shouldn't end up with anyone horrible. The universe didn't work like that, in complete equality, but he still deserved it as much as anyone else, even after this.

Gryphon listened, and tried to think. Kodi's frustration and... confusion, or whatever, was hard to hear. And he didn't know how to reply. He was tired? The really obvious answer would be to tell him to sleep, or, in terms of this, without getting metaphorical, take a break from it all... but was that even possible? The avian boy took a shaky breath, "We can't predict the future. I mean... what if you fixed this, or whatever, without me, but by that time, I'm with someone else?" It was such a foreign idea, and it made his mouth dry and his stomach sick to even suggest it, but it was a possibility. Maybe this was his weird way of saying he would give Kodi another chance, if the other boy would take it up, which he seemed reluctant to do. "Either you can... we can break up, and you won't have to worry about restraining yourself, or hurting me," Even though it would hurt for that to happen, "...or..." He just left it open. Gryph was still feeling everything he had been at the beginning of this conversation - anger, betrayal and hurt. But... if Kodi gave him the confidence that it wouldn't happen again, they would fade a little more. Instead, he showed uncertainty, and Gryphon didn't know how to respond to that.

The winged boy knew his reasons for being so attached to Kodi. There were all these little things, and it was just... everything. Even if Kodi was extreme, the reasons for him being so weren't usually misplaced. Even if he was highly emotional, or whatever you wanted to call it, it was just his way of doing things, it seemed. It was just his way of being. And Gryphon... he liked the unpredictability. Of course, there were limits to this, the point where it got plain reckless, but it meant he was capable of being so... unique. It was strange. Gryph didn't fully understand it himself, he didn't know if it even made much sense. It was just what he supposed.

He would've explained, said this, in some compact way, probably. He would've explained how it's perfectly normal for Kodi to get emotionally strained and feel upset or whatever like any other person. And he would've agreed that his choice of men probably did seem a little wayward. But it just took that one sentence to silence all of his thoughts. Because he'd heard the drunken equivalent, but hearing the words come from Kodi now just... made everything so much harder, and so much better. Because he was so happy to hear those words, so ridiculously happy, but he... he slid down onto the grass and crossed his legs. His eyes just stared at the grass and he couldn't stop himself from smiling despite the situation, a smile just big enough to make his dimple prominent, "I love you too." He looked over at Kodi, his uncertainty on his face, "And I don't need an explanation for that." The smile dropped a little, and so did his eyeline, "What're we gonna do..." He wasn't sure.

[Deleted]

Kodi just didn't get this. Why Gryph was still willing to even listen and put up with him by this point. The dentokinetic just failed to see himself in any sort of good light at the moment; he felt like he deserved punishment and harsh words, not this... This civil conversation. Whenever he'd messed up in the past, he'd been punished. That was just... How his life worked. Why he punished himself so often by talking down and degrading himself. "Nah. I don't deserve that," he mumbled. Kodi just ended up hurting people that tried to help him anyway. Look where they were now.

He didn't feel right, now that he was sober, promising Gryphon he wouldn't do it again. Kodi didn't want to lie, even if he managed to get his self-control handled before he did anything else stupid. Because what if they did go though all of this and Kodi just ended up doing something stupid again? "You think you can help me with my shitty behavior?" he croaked. Kodi didn't know how that could happen. "I... I don't wanna break up." He sighed and stared out at the water. "I'm j-just tryin' t'figure out what'd be best for... For both of us..." But there was no guarantee that giving each other some space would do any good either. Actually, it would probably just make things worse, because knowing himself, Kodi would likely fall back into finding random people for one-night stands. And he'd make no progress at all. "... I just don't know anymore..."

He felt... Guilty for saying what he did. Even if Kodi felt it was true, now he felt like he'd just thrown a rope around Gryphon, tying them together emotionally so they had no choice but to try to work this out. Which... Was probably good for them both, really. Kodi slowly looked back to watch Gryph sit down. He took another deep breath and stood, hesitantly going over to sit beside the older boy. Nervous fingers searched for Gryphon's. "This is such a shit time t'tell you that," he sighed, staring at the ground. "But I... If we want t'work this out... I promise I'll do what I can t'prove it t'you." He swallowed hard. "I'll stop drinkin'. At least... I'll try to. That shit ain't gonna be easy." Kodi finally looked up. "That's... That's all I can promise. I'll try. I'll try t'be a better boyfriend. I'm just still really fuckin' new at this stuff." And the dentokinetic tried to bury his face in Gryphon's shoulder. "I don't expect you t'forgive me for what I did, though."

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Sometimes, punishment in the sense that Kodi thought of was necessary, but most of the times, a regular conversation was better. Punishment just told the person it was being inflicted on that they were in the wrong, and that that was a bad thing. Sometimes, people were too high and mighty to realize when that was the case, but Kodi didn't think he was right with what had happened. He knew he had made a mistake, Gryph could tell, and chiding him, even though the winged meta was upset, would do nothing to help. He had fighting words on the mind, because no matter what Kodi said, Gryphon wouldn't lose the belief that no one should be forced into independence, unless they wanted it, but it seemed useless.

"Neither do I." Gryph said. At least they were on the same page with being clueless. "I can try to help if you want help, but I think, ultimately... if you want to change, it's something you've got to do yourself. I'll support you and stuff, but shit..." It would be difficult. Anything from this point onwards seemed to look like it would be difficult.

He watched Kodi approach, but this time, he didn't move away, or at least, avoid sitting with him. His fingers intertwined with the dentokinetic's loosely. "If you're willing to try, then I'm willing to help you." He squeezed the other boy's hand, "I know we're capable of this." If they had belief that this would work out, it was probably more likely to do so in the long run.

Gryphon didn't move as Kodi's head met his shoulder, "...it's a pretty shit situation to be in." He paused for a moment, "And yeah, I'm still pretty pissed off about it." He admitted, sighing, "But that's natural." He tilted his head and thought, "It might be easier to forgive you when I feel more secure about everything." One person he really wasn't gonna forgive was Oriel. Fucking asshole. He might hold a grudge against him for a long time, but he wouldn't hold anything against Kodi, so long as he didn't let him down. He understood it was difficult... but he also understood he was putting himself out on the line, and he didn't want that to be in vain. His trust was still wary, and he didn't want it to be, but again, the only thing that would seem to be able to fix that was time.

[Deleted]

Kodi definitely knew what he'd done was wrong. And had Gryphon yelled or cursed him out or done anything more aggressive than he was doing now, Kodi likely would have fled, or something. The normally feral boy had become as delicate as tissue paper under the circumstances.

He nodded quietly to what Gryph said. Kodi knew... He knew only he could change his behavior. It was just... Fuck... It was so hard...! "I-I don't think I can do it without you," he said quietly, fidgeting with a wrinkle in his shirt. "S-so if you're willin' t'try... I... I'd really 'ppreciate it..." Kodi just didn't know how the older boy could stand to still look at him.

He was relieved when Gryphon didn't pull away; so relieved, in fact, that he let out a quiet, dry sob that he stifled in his sleeve. Kodi's fingers squeezed his boyfriend's. "O-okay," he said with a small nod. "I-I want t'try. I d-don't wanna be like this anymore." Addicted to sex, or polyamory, or something. Kodi just... Wanted Gryphon. He wanted him to be his and no one else's, and he had to do the same. He wanted to do the same.

When Gryphon spoke up again, Kodi swallowed, the guilt rolling over him all over again. "You deserve t'be pissed," he mumbled into the boy's shoulder. "You... You should hate me. I-I thought I'd ruined everythin'." Kodi wrapped his arms around Gryph and attempted to pull himself into the winged meta's lap. "Y-yeah... I understand. I fucked up. I-it'll get better with time... I hope..." As long as he didn't do it again. Kodi was determined not to. ".... I'm not gonna do what Nick did t'you," he went on after a moment, his brow furrowing. "I ain't... I ain't gonna trick you. That's not... That ain't gonna happen." Now that Kodi had admitted his feelings, he felt... Raw. Exposed. He didn't know what to do. So he just pressed his lips to Gryph's neck and hoped everything would be okay.