Just One Foot Wrong, And I'm Gonna Fall (Sean)

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean heard the mental question and treated it as one that had been expressed aloud and shared willingly, rather than one Oriel wished to keep to himself. The fact that he had begun speaking before faltering and switching to thoughts influenced his decision to do so. “Almost anything is more productive than anger, because it would be less destructive. But, ideally, if you turned to self-reflection, so even something as basic as vague discomfort rather than being angry, so that you thought through the cause instead of lashing out would be a start.” Then, he spread his hands in a vague gesture. “I know that sounds complicated and is also easier said than done, but it’s a long-term goal.”

With that, he slid the drawing back towards himself. Oriel had grown quiet, and the psychiatrist had nothing else to say on this topic, instead waiting for the boy to share his thoughts again.

Then he did.

“I know.” Sean’s voice held no sarcasm, and he did not snap at the boy as some others might do in a comparable situation. However, the psychiatrist was aware of the fact that Oriel wanted to spend time with the other boy. Everyone in the Hammel administration, and probably the entire student body as well, knew that Oriel wanted to spend time with Phoenix. The entire purpose of these sessions and the joint sessions, were to facilitate that, despite the fact that Sean did not have anger management as one of his specialties and still believed that the boy would benefit from a specialist or a group setting instead.

Keeping his attention on Oriel, he continued, “If you cooperate and do the exercises, which you have been, and if you take what I say to heart and make progress, then eventually you’ll be able to see him without restrictions.”

He emphasized the word eventually, because the psychiatrist could not set a timetable. That would be both irresponsible and unethical, and would serve no purpose other than to get Oriel’s hopes up before likely dashing them.

[Deleted]

Oriel didn’t react much to the question that was answered despite him not actually voicing it. He wasn’t sure if he appreciated it or not. On the one hand, it meant that Dr. Neville would actually respond to questions that weren’t exactly voiced, which irritated him that he would do that for this question rather than the other ones that were essentially ignored. On the other hand, it saved Oriel the trouble of having to speak words that he was too…embarrassed maybe? to say. It was a question that made him feel ignorant for having to ask in the first place when likely anybody else would have understood right away. Oriel thought he did….but he was trusting his own judgement less and less these days. Well, his judgement was never all that great, but that also affected his ability to trust other people’s judgement.

It was complicated, to say the least. That’s how he found himself in these long periods of silence recently. Doing that whole ‘self-reflection’ business. It was easier to do when he didn’t have all of 5 seconds to make a decision of how he felt about any given situation, really. It’s probably why he ended up feeling like the worst piece of scum in the world afterwards. Because his ‘sense’ and ‘logic’ ended up catching up with him, resulting in endless amounts of guilt and self-loathing.

Thinking about it, and what Sean had just said….that also played a part in that whole connection between patience and frustration, didn’t it?

Bleeeh….Oriel wanted the world now. He wanted to be ‘better’ now. He wanted to be free to see his Phoenix unsupervised….not just now, but yesterday and the day before and the last four months as well. Instead, it was looking less and less likely that he was going to get to that point by the end of the year, much less by graduation. The word ‘eventually’ was not very reassuring. The fact that he had to wait for something that he had no guarantee was going to happen either sooner or later. It was for this reason that Oriel took things into his own hands, so to speak. If neither Sean nor the administration could give him what he wanted when he wanted, then he had to make sure that he was going to get it at all whenever it was that they finally let him go out on his own.

Phoenix would wait. Oriel was sure of it. They had promised each other this. But somehow, the act of an official proposal seemed to set it a little bit more in stone. “…..I asked him,” he muttered hesitantly. “For marriage…” Oriel had bought a cheap-ass ring for it, but it was still a ring that Phoenix was wearing for Oriel now. And that gave Oriel…some peace of mind. That Phoenix wasn’t going to get tired of waiting for Oriel to get his shit together and…who knew? Get together with his ex-boyfriend who had returned to Pilot Ridge a couple months ago.

That he felt like he had to bind Phoenix to him with such a promise was twisted, he knew. But it at least made him feel better. A small encouragement while he treaded through this impossible journey of his. But who knew how long it would last before he needed another form of reassurance?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Four-and-a-half decades of telepathy combined with three decades of licensed psychiatric practice gave Sean the ability to school his expression. He kept his face carefully neutral, although the disclosure did nothing to instill confidence in the boy’s impulse control.

Of course he had proposed to Phoenix at the recent school dance. Of course he had chosen to take advantage of the high student to staff ratio and general chaos of the situation in order to do so. Of course he saw nothing wrong with having done so while in the midst of extended counseling for his controlling tendencies.

This was exactly what the psychiatrist had been discussing through the duration of his sessions with Oriel. Not merely today but long before they had begun the dedicated anger management and couples therapy sessions.

Sean was sure that Oriel believed that he was following his heart and doing what felt right at the time. In fact, he was sure that Oriel felt that this was right and could only be right.

Likewise, he was sure that the boy couldn’t fathom how deeply manipulative this came across from an adult perspective. From the perspective of a third party not entirely embroiled in the toxicity of his relationship with Phoenix. That this was the biggest red flag to emerge since they had begun these sessions in the first place and since Phoenix had been given an escort for his protection. That with one action he had managed to erode so much progress and that he surely remained unaware of that.

That it had happened only a few days ago and already Oriel had expectations that this would change anything in a positive direction.

Sean had his work cut out for him.

“We’re going to pick this up tomorrow.” Oriel had bought himself a slew of new sessions, and tonight the psychiatrist had to find a book on the topic that he could assign him to read. “We both have a lot to think about, beginning with deep reflection about why you did that.”

[Deleted]

"We're going to pick this up tomorrow."

That one phrase was really all Oriel needed to hear to know what Sean thought about his proposal to Phoenix. That he wasn't even going to address it told Oriel that....he fucked up. And once again, he had disappointed an adult by doing something that only further proved that he was nothing but a child.

He'd flaunted the announcement in front of Rue, Phoenix's old boyfriend, as if to tell the older boy that he should give up now. Phoenix belonged to Oriel, and there was the proof. AJ hadn't been too happy about it either. It was all "you're too young, you need to fix yourself first" with her. As if Oriel didn't already know that. As if he hadn't thought this through! Gryphon, that damn turkey, was the only one who didn't protest. He even seemed to give Oriel his blessing, which...that meant a lot to Oriel. That vote of confidence that he could actually do what he was promising. To fix himself and not be a fucking mess anymore.

That conversation had still turned into a sour one, despite both their intentions. Oriel wasn't expecting to hear that he and Kodi had broken up and he just....

Oriel felt his eyes starting to sting again and he swallowed hard. "Okay..." he choked, nodding shallowly. Hot tears fell freely from his eyes and he lowered his head, like a little boy who'd just been scolded. He had a feeling that this was an 'end of discussion' deal, which....of course he felt helpless. He wiped his eyes again with the back of his hand. "C....can I go now...or....?" Or was there some other point Sean wanted to bring up before their session ended, leaving it on an even more agonizing cliffhanger.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Although Sean hadn’t been present for AJ’s lecture to Oriel, he certainly fell within the camp of supporting that advice. There existed no perfect people, and everyone who ever lived or who would ever live was a work in progress, constantly growing and changing through the courses of their lives. Still, he believed that everyone had an ethical obligation not to seek out relationships until they were capable of treating a partner or spouse with the respect and affection other people deserved. He didn’t believe that anyone could have a fulfilling relationship if they were incapable of facing the possibility of a lifetime as being single; otherwise, relationships fell apart due to insecurity or jealousy or the myriad other negative patterns that existed within the human psyche.

Both his professional and personal assessments told him that neither Oriel nor Phoenix were healthy enough (individually or together) to continue this relationship. But he needed time to think, and Oriel surely would benefit from time to think as well, even if the boy disliked being alone with his own thoughts.

That, too, was something they would have to work on together, and was a prerequisite for healthy interpersonal relationships as far as the psychiatrist was concerned.

At the question, Sean nodded a single time. “You’re free to go, and we’ll have our next session at the same time tomorrow.”

They could resume this conversation then.

He held out the box of tissues to Oriel before he left, offering for the boy to take a few with him. It wouldn’t do for other people to see him crying, given how cruel other teenagers could be. Sean had no desire to expose Oriel to that, not even with the rest of what had occurred during this session; he was not a vindictive man. Simply one who wanted the best for everyone, Phoenix included.

[Deleted]

Oriel could only guess what was in store for him tomorrow. More about how it he and Phoenix shouldn’t be together, he supposed. About fixing oneself before trying to form a partnership or something along those lines.

Oriel knew all that! Of course he proposed, but that didn’t mean he was getting married tomorrow. Or the next day. Hell, even this year was too soon, he thought. Why did everyone seem to think that Oriel hadn’t thought these things through? Oriel told AJ that yes, he got it. They were young and this was fast. It wasn’t going to be right away, probably not until after graduation (whenever that happened to be). He promised both AJ and Gryphon that he was going to get his own shit figured out before going through with it. Because Oriel knew he was fucked up. And maybe by the time he figured himself out…he’d have figured out the rest of it. Like how they were going to live, for one. Mostly money matters, because let’s face it, neither of the two boys made enough money to support even one person, much less two. Oriel was going to figure it out…somehow. He had to, now that he’d made those promises. He just…didn’t know how.

But all these things….would have to be discussed tomorrow. Oriel didn’t want to wait that long….if there was something Dr. Neville wanted to say about it, why didn’t he just say it now? Why drag it out? It was just going to make Oriel wonder and worry about what was in store for him. And all things he could think of were bad…

Oriel nodded, swallowing another lump in his throat, and pushing on his knees up to his feet. He looked despondently at the box of tissues that the doctor had offered. Oriel very rarely used tissues anyway. He was used to just letting his tears fall wherever they landed, and would wipe them with his hand or his sleeve…..

Whatever….he was tired. Oriel pulled two from the box and proceeded to clean himself up. “….thanks,” he mumbled. Oriel headed for the door, though stopped with his hand rested on the handle. He took a long, deep breath. “I’ll, uh…..I’ll see you tomorrow….” With that Oriel left. He hated this shit…

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean could hear Oriel’s thoughts, and he knew that the boy would prefer to continue this discussion now. However, the lack of patience, the lack of impulse control, remained a sticking point at the center of many of his behavior and interpersonal problems. If he took time for reflection before acting, then he would have better self-control and better interpersonal skills.

At least Oriel knew better than to argue the point. That, in itself, was a mild step forward.

After several larger steps backward.

They would have much to discuss during tomorrow’s session, beginning with the fact that Oriel failed to understand the magnitude of his proposal. The timetable didn’t matter, insofar as when the wedding would occur. The longer the engagement, the more concerning his pressing need to propose in the first place, while under lockdown and separation from Phoenix because of his behavior towards his then-boyfriend and now-fiance.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Sean replied, as he waited for Oriel to leave his office. Once he was alone again, the psychiatrist rose and shut the door behind him. Although his typical policy was that he left the door ajar unless on the telephone or engaged with a student or a co-worker, he needed a few minutes to himself.

While the actual discussion about Oriel’s choices remained confidential, the proposal was a public matter. Which meant that at his next progress meeting with Yvette, Sean would have to disclose it. That would be a headache.

At least he had time to prepare before his next session.