I'm A Loser

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How was Oriel supposed to respond in this situation?  If we were going on instinct, then Oriel would usually make some quip about the situation, minimizing Kodi's fear, invalidating the existence of a problem...or he'd just start placing blame on everyone but himself. Oriel would convince himself that it was better for Kodi hate him. He'd assure himself that neither Kodi nor Gryph deserved to have an asshole-dick like Oriel in their lives. That this was the perfect excuse for them to finally get rid of him. 

Oriel was still thinking those things...he simply wasn't saying a one of them out loud.  Because he was supposed to be working on this asshole business of his, as well as keeping his impulses and anger under control. Oriel was supposed to be getting better. He couldn't stop the thoughts, honestly. Not when Kodi had just outright rejected him.  There was nothing he could think to say that wouldn't make the situation worse. Leaving was the only productive thing he could think to do, though that still fell within his range of usual responses. If he stayed, how much longer would it be before Oriel fucked up again.  They didn't need that from him right now...

It still damn hurt, though, seeing his best friend reject him so obviously, and the teen grew afraid that nothing was ever going to fix this. He'd fucked up so much, it finally made the person he was closest to(aside from Phoenix) turn their backs on him. Deservedly so, but that didn't mean he wasn't completely torn up inside over it.  He thought he might not be hearing right again when Kodi asked him not to leave.  That was real, right? And not just Oriel's mind playing tricks on him again. Oriel looked up to see Kodi taking small, pathetic baby steps towards the object of his terror...towards Oriel. What was he....? Oriel stiffened, unsure if he was supposed to retreat or stay or what, but it was maddening feeling like he couldn't do anything, no matter what happened. Oriel turned his gaze to the ground and closed his eyes waiting for....whatever Kodi was trying to do. Oriel was half expecting a good punch to the face...he deserved a good punch to the face. 

He felt Kodi touch him, wrap his arms around him...the boy was trembling, both in his body and in his voice that kept telling Oriel to stay still. Don't move. "Wh-what are you doing, Kodi...?" he asked anxiously, his voice low and grainy. Was he just supposed to stand there and let Kodi manhandle him? He supposed that was alright. Then came consent for Oriel to move. He couldn't right away. Oriel was already shaking himself and his eyes had become damp. What if he tried and it wasn't good enough? What if he still rushed it, despite thinking he was doing fine? What if it didn't matter how careful Oriel was and this was all just a completely futile effort. 

Still...Oriel bent his arms up, hesitantly, as if the small movement was going to break the unusually frail looking dentokinetic. How far should he go? How tight was he allowed to hold him? Oriel supposed he’d just keep going until Kodi told him to stop. Warm tears trickled from his eyes as he blinked and then closed them again. His bottom lip trembled when he opened his mouth to speak, but the words caught in his throat. So he swallowed them again and pulled Kodi in tighter.

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If it had been anyone else, Kodi might not have bothered to try to fix it. But this was Oriel… His best friend. If the dentokinetic didn’t do something himself to fix this mess, and Oriel ran away, then nothing was going to get fixed and they would get stuck in this rut for who-knows how long. And he just couldn’t accept that. Maybe the stubborn Kodi was starting to get to his feet again.

He took comfort in Gryph’s presence behind him as he walked closer to the subject of his terror. Kodi didn’t know what his boyfriend would do if things went south, but at least he was there, and he trusted Gryph more than anything or anyone. He felt pathetic, being so unstable and hesitant, but at least he was still walking forward. He couldn’t look Oriel in the eye, didn’t want to see that pained expression on his face, so once Kodi finally reached him and wrapped his arms around the younger boy, he buried his face too, so he wouldn’t have to look.

He was okay…. It was alright…

His breathing began to calm a little as he stood there, relieved that Oriel wasn’t moving, like he’d asked. His shaking even went away a little, though the nerves were still there. Was Oriel shaking too? It felt like it….

Finally, after Kodi had said it was alright, he felt the boy’s arms begin to wrap around him tentatively. The Chinese boy tensed a little at first, but when the panic didn’t come, he allowed himself to relax again, even as Oriel hugged him tighter. “… I’m okay,” he murmured, finally managing to look up at his… Best friend. “… Still not perfect, but okay.” A wave of relief rushed over him, and Kodi let out a small laugh. He glanced back at Gryphon, a bright, genuine smile on his face. Finally, he pulled back a little, took a deep breath, and chuckled again in embarrassment. “… I can’t believe that was so hard,” he mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. “And… Please… Don’t do anything too rough with me for a while. I still feel like a pathetic little lamb or something.” He hated it, but it was true.

He stepped back and moved over to Gryphon, and his knees seemed to go weak when he got there; he fell a little against the wheelchair’s side and buried his face into the older boy’s shoulder. “I’m okay,” he said for the millionth time. “…. That was hard, but it should be better now, I think.”

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

If this all went south, Gryphon could act as a balancing agent. In the sense that he knew he could stabilise Kodi better than most people, and the reverse was true as well, so if his boyfriend started panicking... well, he wasn't certain about what he could do, especially considering the ridiculous predicament he found himself in with this damn chair, but he had a good, general idea. He definitely didn't want this to go badly, but... he could help if it did. He has confidence in that.

For now though, staying out of it. His phone went away again after a couple minutes, deeming his actions to be more rude than respectful, and watched silently as the pair carefully told hold of one another, on guard for any warning signs that Kodi's mood was going downhill and finding... hardly any. He seemed shaky - they both did - but he also seemed to be managing the strain. This was going.... honestly a lot better than Gryph had predicted.

....wait, he was supposed to be optimistic, where had that gone? Dumb... dumbness, gahh... he was sure he'd regain that past optimism again as things improved.

Gryphon couldn't quite catch the mutters that came from Kodi, but they seemed positive. The winged man felt himself begin to smile a little, that small smile being egged on by that adorable laugh too grow wider. This was... perfect. Fucking perfect. The look on Kodi's face, how much brighter he seemed already... Gryph couldn't ask for more. Kodi had taken that extra stretch, risked his delicate state for the sake of Oriel (whom he knew was very concerned about the dentokinetic) and it had worked. It had worked and Gryphon felt like squealing; he was so, so happy about this.

He watched his lover come back over to him with a smile he couldn't diminish. It was such a small thing, but Gryph felt overwhelmed with pride for Kodi. His heart fluttered - although that was because the wheelchair wasn't a brick wall, and Kodi's weight had caused it to topples slightly, so that fluttering was a slight heart attack, as Gryphon held into the handles of the chair for some stability. Thankfully, it didn't fall, but the boost of adrenaline made him giggle, not being able to do half the things he wanted to right now, having to stick with putting a hand on top of Kodi's head, "You're more than okay, sweetie. You. Are. Amazing." He said softly, twisting awkwardly to peck his hair, "And I am so, so proud of you."

He glanced up at Oriel, "You too. Seriously." He looked between the two train wrecks, "You both just.... you guys are idiots, okay?" He reached to find Kodi's hand and held it tight when he did, fingers interlocked, "But you need each other. And I'll be damned if this shit doesn't make your friendship stronger." He turned his head towards Kodi and added on the mutter of "You can bash me for being cheesy later."

The eldest of the three looked between the two of them, "I know this might seem dumb and I know it's such a simple thing, but it shows progress. And the more you guys work together, the more progress there can be, and you'll both feel less shitty for it." He looked at Oriel, and held out his spare hand, for the other to hold as well, if he felt like it, "You guys are best friends. You need each other. I'm gonna start repeating myself at this rate." He giggled, looking down at the ground and shaking his head, feeling an embarrassed blush rise on his cheeks, "Just... don't go backwards again, okay? I know more than a lot of people that you care about each other more than you might say, so let's show it. Kay?"

That was the best damn motivational speech ever. Even if Gryph was embarrassed to no end and cringing at himself. Hell, if they could both agree that Gryphon's rambles were annoying, that would be good anyway.

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Oriel was scared as well, though for completely different reasons than Kodi….or maybe they were similar enough to be called the same? Oriel just didn’t want Kodi hate him. He didn’t want Kodi to flinch and cringe every time Oriel said something or made the slightest movement. Phoenix had done that before(for different reasons again) and it killed Oriel to see his lover pull away from him as though Oriel’s very touch was made of poison. Considering how Oriel always managed to fuck up his relationships, it probably wasn’t very far from the truth…

It was that sort of thinking that made Oriel feel like running. Before he could fuck up anything else. So while being asked to stay had him elated…he was scared as fuck that this attempt at reconciling was going to crash and burn without mercy. Oriel still hadn’t learned how to look at things more positively….though that didn’t mean he wasn’t trying. It was just really hard when your brain kept telling you otherwise.

If it were possible to hold Kodi tighter, Oriel would have for fear that he’d never have this chance again. That Kodi didn’t pull away only made Oriel drop more tears. Fuck, why was he such a fucking crybaby, even over seemingly stupid things like this? When Kodi tried to pull away….Oriel didn’t want to let go…he may have held on a moment longer when he felt Kodi’s movement before finally relaxing and letting the dentokinetic pull away finally. Oriel let his arms fall to his sides, then wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. He nodded and barely managed a halting chuckle in response to Kodi’s comparison. He opened his mouth to crack something clever in response, but….pathetically, all he could come up with was “Yeah….” and drop his eyes to the ground with a complicated smile. Oriel wanted nothing more than to attack his best friend from behind with violent hugs and nuzzles…but he supposed those would be off limits for a while. Like Kodi just said, he was a pathetic little lamb. He wouldn’t be able to handle so much affection all at once.

As for Gryphon’s little ‘motivational speech’…….

…………….

“……..I think I need to swirl your head in a toilet for that speech, you fucking nerd,” he said to the flightless birdman, his stare completely deadpanned. Though….that speech was stupid enough to coax a humorous insult out of Oriel. And even a warmer smile. He snorted in amusement and shook his head, resigned to be silly and corny as well. Oriel planted his hand down into Gryphon’s and held it tight. Then he offered his own to his best friend. “Go on. Take my hand, Kodi,” he said in a soft voice of pure idiocy. “With our powers combined, through the power of friendship…we can save the world! Now let’s each shout out our names and raise our hands to the sky!!” If Kodi had taken Oriel’s hand, then that’s exactly where it was going. Both his and Gryph’s. Hey, Oriel could be cheesy too!

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The brief moment that Oriel kept holding onto Kodi as he tried to pull away honestly made him uncomfortable, but not so much that he began to panic again. He knew… at least, Kodi was fairly certain that he was doing it out of relief, not any sort of malice. He’s not Damon, he kept reminding himself. He’s Oriel… Stupid, impulsive, snarky Oriel that was far more similar to Kodi than he would like to admit. And… Was he crying…? Normally the dentokinetic would have made fun of this, but he was more stunned than anything else. “H-hey… It’s okay….” he stammered to the younger boy once he was by Gryph’s side. “Do I gotta… Go get you a tissue now or somethin’?” Though just seeing Oriel so emotional like that made his own heart ache a little, and only served to make his fear of the ink manipulator fade even more. He was just a kid…

But then he was distracted by his boyfriend and giggled stupidly at Gryphon’s praise. “It was nothin’…” he mumbled, though Kodi knew that wasn’t really the case. “But… thanks…” Hearing the winged boy speaking so proudly of him made the Chinese boy’s chest swell happily. The risk had been totally worth it.

And now he was… What was Gryphon doing…? Kodi felt his face getting red as the eldest boy began his little speech, lacing his fingers with Gryph but feeling incredibly embarrassed all the while. He didn’t say anything, just looked at the ground as his lover went on, a stupid smile on his face. “You’re such a cheesehead…” he uttered. But… Well, it was all true, he figured. He did want Oriel in his life. The younger boy had always been a pretty solid support for him, despite their arguments and fights. So… Yeah. Kodi could agree with what his boyfriend was saying, even if he was mortified by all the purple prose. “…. Kay,” he finally agreed with a snort and another giggle. “Moron…”

He laughed at Oriel’s response to the speech, and finally peeked up at both of them from where he’d been looking at the ground. Kodi saw Oriel offer his hand and, after a brief hesitation and roll of his eyes, took it. “… Oh… my fuckin’… God,” he groaned. “Did we just end up in fuckin’ My Little Pony or what?” He attempted to tug his hand away from the ridiculous teenager before he could get any more embarrassed by these two lumps. Cheese just wasn’t his thing. Period. “I think I gotta go an’ wash my ears out now,” he announced. “You two can… fuckin’… make some nachos with all of your cheese or somethin’.” Oh, he was so funny. Still, even as he criticized them, the smile wasn’t leaving the dentokinetic’s face.

[Gryphon Matsuoka]

Gryph had seen Oriel cry before, and Gryphon’s himself had cried in front of the younger boy too, so seeing tears on his face moved the winged man and made him feel bad, remembering the other times when he’d seen the same. Man… Oriel had been through a lot. The pair of them were very much in the same boat sometimes, even if Gryph didn’t realise it more until now. Poor kid… well, they were all kids to Gryph. Even though he himself was twenty, he still thought of himself as a kid too. The world was too big and scary and because of that, he couldn’t feel grown up. As Kodi asked him, Gryph started rummaging around. He should have some tissues somewhere…

He chuckled as Kodi did too, happy to see him so happy. “You shush, ‘it was nothing’, you big liar.” He chided softly, nuzzling his lover, “I love you.” Yes. This risk had been worth it.

Which was exactly why Gryphon was using this sappy moment to gush as much as he could manage about all of this. Yes, he would look back on this and facepalm and call himself dumb, but he wanted to be cheesy. He missed being dumb and cheesy and light-hearted and now was the perfect time to be so relaxed. If it made Kodi smile, any embarrassment didn’t matter. What did matter was the threat of a swirly - oh please no. “Please don’t, already had that done enough for a lifetime.” Which was like, once or twice, Gryph couldn’t remember. It had been a while back. But he was still grinning and giggling and making light of the situation.

And as this whole conversation continued to fall down into a terribly smelly pit of cheese, Gryph couldn’t stop laughing. He let go of Oriel’s hand as well after a couple seconds to cover his face with both hands, “Oh, God,” He muttered between his giggles (which were slowly becoming that horrific sounding, infectious kind), “I might die, oh my God…” He shook his head, grabbing onto the wheels of his chair to make sure it didn’t fall over or something. And nachos sounded really good right now.

But he slowly calmed down, before looking at the pair of them, “Actually… what we should be doing is getting you to school.” He said, only slightly firm in how he spoke. He didn’t really want to end this good moment but as much as he loved throwing cheese into a situation, he also had to be a Debby downer, especially when it came to Kodi, or nothing got done with that dork. He looked at Oriel, “You too, I’m guessing?” That was what it looked like, after all.

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Oriel had always been a person who was quick to tears. Hell, he cried at sad movies. He was such a sensitive boy~ But it was something about himself he hated for a long time. He still hated it, that they always came so easily whenever he was feeling particularly emotional. And he hated feeling like a weakling for it. He hated being teased and ridiculed for it. Oriel had gone to great lengths to hide that part of himself from anybody and everybody, instead holding them in and growling and yelling and glaring at anybody who was around. And punching anybody who dared to poke at him. It was something of a miracle that he had people in his life other than Phoenix whom he was comfortable crying in front of.

Though….even if that wasn’t the case, in this moment, from the simple relief of knowing that his friendship with Kodi hadn’t been completely destroyed….he might’ve broken down anyway. And gotten defensive.

“Yeah, fuck you,” he said to the offer of a tissue. Well, he was defensive anyway. Oriel wiped his eyes again, hoping that that would be the last time and those old tears wouldn’t be replaced by new ones all over again.

Oriel used the next several moments - throughout Kodi and Gryph’s lovey-dovey times, and Gryphon’s super-cheesified speech - to compose and calm himself down. Actually, if it weren’t for that speech, Oriel might not have been shocked right back to his normal, sillified self with all this ‘MLP-Friendship’ talk. He managed to keep a straight face right up until both boys pulled their hands away, and he doubled over in cackles. “What? Something wrong with My Little Pony?” he asked of Kodi. “I happen to love that show.” It also happened to be one of his favorite cartoons, right up there with The Powerpuff Girls.

He took a step back from the two, again trying to compose himself, though this time from the insane-asylum laughter. He looked to Gryph, then to Kodi at the mention of school. “….ohshit, I completely forgot about it…you know, in the midst of getting myself caught in a fucking fence and all….” Oriel turned to give the offending fence a glare. “But…yeah….think I’m already late though, so don’t matter much, really.” Oh, well. No point in rushing at this point. He looked down and shuffled his feet. “Um….you…you want to walk together?” he asked, peeking up at the two boys, specifically Kodi.

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Yeah no, My Little Pony definitely wasn’t high on Kodi’s “to watch” list; in fact, it wasn’t on there at all, it was on his list of things to avoid at all costs. He knew Gryph liked it, and now finding out that Oriel liked it too made him groan. “Ugh… You guys can have a little pony party while I watch horror movies in the other room or somethin’,” he sighed with a roll of his eyes. “Nerds.” His complaints were all in good fun, though. He got distracted by some of Gryph’s ridiculous (and not all too common) Elmo-laughs and broke into giggles himself, crouching down to snicker into his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I love your laugh, moron,” he managed through his laughter. It was music to his ears, and made Kodi feel all the more calm and content after what had just happened.

But then… Mehhhh. Kodi’s laughter died off and he pouted. “I don’t wannaaa…” he whined, though he knew he had to. Even if he wasn’t going to graduate again this year, he should at least try to pass as many classes as he could so he would have less next year. “Fiiiine….” He snickered a little at Oriel and glanced up at him when he asked if they could go together. “Uh… sure, I dunno why not,” Kodi replied with a shrug. “I mean, we’re both goin’ the same direction, so…” He cracked a smile and stepped behind Gryph’s wheelchair so he could push his crippled lover along. “Just… Remember t’still be a little less, uh… Grope-y than usual, yeah?” Kodi sent Oriel a teasing side-eyed look, though it was definitely a reminder that the dentokinetic still wasn’t perfect. “Alright, let’s goo~”

And so the trio walked off into the distance as friends.