The Color Of Friendship (Michelle)

[Michelle Reed]

"Yeah, I could see how it would make you feel that way," Michelle agreed with a nod. "Like, you still feel bad about it because even though it doesn't bother them, you feel like it should at least annoy them or something." She offered. At least, if she was in his situation she would feel that way.

Her lips curled into a smile. "Volunteering is nice though. Time is something precious, afterall." She said with a laugh. Everyone always complained about not having enough time to do everything. "There's no rule saying you have to do it all the time, though. Just remember to take some time for yourself.. a balance." Or else Jackson would burn himself out by doing everything for everyone else and not focusing enough on himself.

"Basket weaving might be a little bit too out there..." Michelle agreed. It'd be hard to find a class on that speciality, especially in a town as small as Pilot Ridge. Her face lit up as the idea was set in motion though, the corners of her eyes crinkling with her grin. "Yeah! You know, it sounds like a really good idea. Sort of like a tester round." Her and Jackson could try a new thing out each week, see how it went, and then move onto another hobby the next week. Until something stood out as a possibility for the both of them.

She set down her bracelet that was slowly coming together. "I know so." Michelle agreed confidently. Then again, she hadn't lived the same life as Jackson. Michelle had been raised in a fairly liberal household where her and her siblings had a lot of freedom in choice. In expressing and being themselves. Maybe his family wasn't as lenient. "Like, for me, it's not weird or anything." She assured him. "It doesn't matter what I think, or anyone else, for that matter."

"The important thing is what you think. We're all different and maybe it's a bit harder for you and that's okay." Michelle rambled, trying to get her point across. That it was okay and didn't make Jackson any different in her eyes. Whether he was with a guy or girl or someone who didn't identity as either. "It.. can feel like a lot to accept, you know?"

[Deleted]

“Yeah, exactly!” he said with a sharp nod. Jackson smiled. At least Michelle understood where he was coming from. He always felt like such a jerk for that, though. She even understood about the volunteering thing. It wasn’t a pleasant practice, but it benefitted someone and Jackson enjoyed receiving their gratitude, as if it never would have been possible without him. Maybe that was a little selfish on his part, but helping was helping, no matter the motive. “Ha ha, I try to do that, find time for myself, but it’s a lot harder to do than you’d think.” Not with all the other things he had to do. Like studying. A pain in his neck it was.

Oh good, she didn’t have her heart set on basket weaving, that was a relief. “Yeah…sorry, I’m not sure I could stomach it…” he said with a halfhearted chuckle. The idea he came up with, and he was glad that Michelle agreed, was much better. And potentially a lot more fun than just picking something randomly and hoping for the best! “Yeah! That’s what I mean, and we don’t have to risk starting something that sucks, y’know?” They probably had a lot of different options to choose from in the art room. Home ec also offered a lot of options, but Jackson wasn’t sure he could stand doing anything much girlier than this. If he tried cooking, for instance, he’d likely just burn the place down.

Though either way, Jackson was sure it’d just be nice to spend more time with Michelle. She was a great friend. So nice, so pretty, really sweet; it was amazing that she was trying to reassure him about something so…so…wrong….it made Jackson feel guilty for putting that burden on her. “That’s….” Jackson smiled weakly. “That’s good to know, I think….probably. I wish I could have your, uh…conviction….on that sort of thing.” An unlenient family was only half the problem. It was also his own insecurities.

A lot to accept? He chuckled at that, though it was anything but merry. “That’s a way of putting it,” he said uncertainly, turning away his gaze once again. Michelle no doubt thought he was being weird…even if she didn’t say so, it was just because she was super nice. Why was Jackson burdening her with this anyway? Maybe he just wanted someone he could talk to about it. Maybe… “It’s just….I don’t know…it’s not easy to be okay with something you spent your whole life thinking was wrong, y’know? So….” Jackson shook his head again and managed a larger smile to reassure the girl. “Sorry, I’m just rambling along about my problems when you didn’t ask to hear them. Sorry,” he said again, turning back to his bracelet. What was he doing with it again?

[Michelle Reed]

"Oh yeah. It'd be nice if we got like, a designated couple hours every night to ourselves. Just to sleep or binge watch television shows or something." Michelle said with a grin. Not that she watched a lot of tv but knew that her peers did, so maybe Jackson did too. "Balance out school and work and all that fun stuff."

Glancing over, she sent him a reassuring smile. "No need to apologize. I just get really excited when people actually want to do things with me... and that came out pretty pathetic." She felt her cheeks go red for the millionth time today, and so she tried to laugh off the awkwardness. "Yeah exactly. Maybe we'll find something that strikes a nice balance between us." Jackson seemed to really like sports, but Michelle wasn't a huge fan of them. She didn't have a keen interest in them or any sense of natural athleticism. She didn't know how he felt about the arts, but it was definitely her preference.

"I mean, if it was wrong, would you feel that way?" Michelle asked, more of a rhetorical question than anything else. "Then the feeling wouldn't exist." She glanced over. "I would give you it if I could." She joked. Then maybe he wouldn't feel as bad. Michelle sympathized a little; the teenage years were hard enough without the added pressures of the self, family and society. Fiddling with the hair elastic around her wrist, she tied her hair into a messy bun while deep in thought. Maybe she should tell him that she was bi; make him feel better, or something. She didn't know.

Leaning back into her chair, Michelle crossed her arms in front of her chest. "It is a lot to think about." She agreed with a nod. "And when you've thought that way for awhile, it's really hard to just... reverse that thinking. I think you're being too hard on yourself, though. It's not amoral or anything. And if anyone tells you otherwise, then I don't think they deserve to be part of your life." Michelle finished, frowning slightly. "No no, don't apologize, please. We're friends, and this is what we do. We can talk to each other about this sort of thing. I'm more than happy to listen."

She'd much rather listen than talk about her own boring life. Reaching over, she unfolded her arms to reach out, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's something that is bothering you and I want to help."

[Deleted]

“Yup! That’s exactly what I mean!” He was glad Michelle understood. “Sometimes I like to do my homework with the TV on, but sometimes that gets too distracting too, so I don’t even get anything done anyway.” That’s why he had a ‘tutor’ to keep him on task. Gah, he hoped he could resolve whatever was going on with himself and Rue before school started again. That guy was good at keeping Jackson on task.

Jackson shook his head. “No, not at all! I mean, I know what that’s like, I get worried too especially since I’m more of the ‘get in your face’ sorta person, so I don’t know when someone’s hanging with me because they want to or because I forced them, y’know?” Maybe that was a little too much information? And probably just as pathetic. “Yeah, we’ll find something, for sure!” he said, pumping his fist up encouragingly. He was glad Michelle was a reasonable person, too. Someone he could talk honestly with, which for Jackson, was actually something of a rare thing.

Like with this whole guy-guy subject that he was sort of regretting having brought up in the first place. He nodded at her question. “Yeah…that’s what I try to tell myself.” That if he wasn’t supposed to feel that way, then God would have made it so he didn’t. Saying it and believing it were two different things, though.

Jackson made a half-hearted smile at her advice. “Maybe, but it’s not exactly like I can not have my family in my life just because they don’t agree with that.” That’s what made it even harder. If it was just Jackson living for himself, by himself, then maybe he’d have less reservations, but for the moment, he just didn’t want to disappoint his family by being something they didn’t approve of. He sent her a more genuine smile when she offered her reassurance. “Yeah, thanks…I’m really glad for uh….for that…” Now he was feeling awkward. Meek? Embarrassed? Of course, and it no doubt showed on his face. His eyes fell to the floor. “There’s not a whole lot of people I can talk about that stuff to, so I’m like…really really glad you think so.” He raised his gaze again, smiling pleasantly. “If…if there’s anything you need to talk about too, like that or something else, you can do that with me too, okay??” Because it’d be unfair if Jackson was the only one who talked about those kind of heavy problems, right?

[Michelle Reed]

"Yeah, I'm more quiet and awkward about it but when I do get worked up... it gets really bad. And then I feel like I've just sort of attached myself." Michelle nodded. "So, it's like I've forced them to hang out with me since I won't leave them alone or something." She said with another laugh, tying off the end of her bracelet and looking at the finished design. Looking up again, she nodded in agreement with what Jackson had to say. They would find something fun to do together, something new and exciting.

Michelle was humbled that Jackson thought to open up to her about his situation. It was nice to feel close to someone, close enough that they could share their secrets and talk about heavy subjects. A more substantial friendship. "Maybe if you keep telling yourself that, you'll start to believe it more?" She suggested, a bit hesitantly. She felt a little out of her comfort zone offering advice and telling Jackson what he should be doing. It was his life, afterall.

She frowned, not able to imagine her family not providing the necessary love and support to back Michelle up with her decisions and life choices. "I guess that's true, yeah." She contended, fidgeting with the finished bracelet in front of her on the table. "But... I don't think your family would remove themselves from your life. They'd work to try and understand if they don't. At least, that's what I think." She didn't know his family, so the Canadian couldn't say for certain without risking disappointment. "Any time, really. I mean it. You can call me or text me or just show up at my dorm.. and I'll listen, I promise." Michelle assured Jackson, a small smile returning to her face. "About this, or anything."

"Thanks Jackson, I appreciate that." Michelle met his gaze once his head lifted up, sending him a genuine smile. "I definitely will."

[Deleted]

Jackson shook his head, completely in disagreement with her. “No, y’know, in my experience people don’t hang out with people unless they want to be around them.  If your friends didn’t want to hang out with you, then, well…they wouldn’t, no matter how quiet or not you are.”  Jackson couldn’t imagine there being a person who wouldn’t want to hang out with Michelle, though. She was so nice and sweet!  “You’re not making anybody do anything, and if they don’t want to be around you and they don’t say anything…..quite honestly, that’s their own fault for not being honest.”  Because Jackson was so honest.  Jackson shook his head again, looking down. “Sorry, that doesn’t sound very nice, but it’s true.  I don’t think you have anything to worry about, though. You’re an amazing person, Michelle!”  

That was a long speech, but he hoped it helped at least a little bit in giving Michelle some more confidence in herself. It was something his mom always told him, and was one of those things that kept him from second guessing people’s intentions all the time. Because if you did that, then you’d never connect with anyone, really.

Though saying was a bit easier than doing. Even now, Jackson was wondering if maybe he’d overstepped his boundaries on his friendship with Michelle by divulging such personal worries of his. Especially since her words which were supposed to help….well, they didn’t. But that wasn’t her fault, it was Jackson’s, who just couldn’t work past the valued he’d been taught since he was young. Jackson could, at least, appreciate her efforts, and offered a smile so show for it. “Yeah…I can hope so, right?” Hopefully. Maybe. Not.

The sad part was….was that Michelle’s advice was for an ideal family. Jackson envied her in that way. She must’ve had a really supportive family to think that another’s wouldn’t abandon their child for turning out exactly what they didn’t want. Jackson knew that his family…probably wouldn’t. But if they found out about his…preferences…they’d hide it. They’d make sure nobody else knew. They’d pretend it didn’t exist, and expect him to do the same. Even if he had a male partner, he’d never be allowed to introduce him as ‘his partner’, just a ‘friend’. They’d know who he really was, but it was just the unspoken rule to not acknowledge it and to not advertise it.

But Jackson didn’t want to tell Michelle about that reality. Her world was too beautiful to be sullied by Jackson’s. So, Jackson offered her another smile and chuckled softly. “Yeah…you’re probably right.” He laughed, putting on a brighter face than what he’d been showing just a moment ago. “Right!” he confirmed with a nod at her offer. Then he pointed a finger at her. “And you….you better come to me too, y’know? You better not just be saying that!” Jackson gave her a narrow-eyed look. “I better not find out you’ve been trying to carry a bunch of worries by yourself cuz you think it’s too much trouble or something. Okay?” Jackson really did want her to confide in him if she ever felt the need. He didn’t want it to just be him complaining.

[Michelle Reed]

Confidence was a key attribute that Michelle lacked, which wasn't hard to see once people got closer to the girl. A combination of a lack of self worth and second guessing other people's intentions and feelings towards herself led to low confidence. But Jackson's passionate speech did help; she sat up a little straighter in her chair and had a smile on her face, even though she wasn't quite sure what to say. "Thanks Jackson. You always just know how to say the right things. I just... thank you." Looking up, the corners of her lips curling up and eyes crinkling with a smile.

"Exactly." Michelle agreed with a nod. Jackson didn't have to worry about opening up to her; she just felt bad that there wasn't something more she could do. She could listen and try to reassure him that things would be alright, but there was no way for her to actually guarantee that. Which sucked. She was sure he was aware of that as well, but neither of them said anything. Part of it was naivety on her part, since her family life was different from Jackson's, so it was hard for her to imagine a family dynamic where they could shun someone for something as trivial as romantic preference.

Michelle's features lit up when Jackson's did, unaware that he was doing it for her sake. "But, you don't have to tell them either because that's also entirely up to you. Wait until you're ready." She added. Raising up both hands defensively, she laughed before replying "I will I will! Don't worry. If I ever have something I need to talk about, you'll be the first to know." Which was a promise considering Jackson was her closest friend at the school. "I promise. Even if it's something dumb that's bothering me." She joked.

Looking at her finished bracelet, then to Jackson's wrist, she slid it across the table so it rested in front of him. "Here, have this one. It can be our little thing, you know? Like, it'll remind us that we have each other and our friendship."

[Deleted]

As usual, Jackson said just a little too much, but it didn’t mean that any of it wasn’t true! Jackson dipped his head with a blush on his cheeks at Michelle’s gratitude. “N-naww…I’m not…I’m just…” He couldn’t think of anything to say to that so….Jackson just laughed meekly.

Michelle was helping, in her own way. It was true that there were a lot of things that she didn’t understand, mostly about Jackson’s home-family life, and the expectations that came with it. And Jackson didn’t want to trouble her with those sort of complicated thoughts. She lived in a more beautiful world than his, it was better that she stayed in it…right? Maybe. But she was right about one thing(or maybe a lot of things). “Yeah…I really don’t…I might, someday.” When he had more confidence in who he was. A lot of the time, Jackson wasn’t sure he knew who that was. Sometimes he’d tell himself he was this, but then he’d end up doing that instead. Then it’d get switched around for no reason… It was confusing for him, to say the least.

It was comforting to know he had someone to talk to these things about, though, should he need to. Michelle was nice, and they were close friends, but she was still far away enough to see his situations from a completely different angle that he might not have thought of before. That was precious to him…that’s why he wanted to be able to help her in that way as well. It wasn’t just an empty effort to be ‘polite’, as if he felt he had to offer since she was patient enough with him. That’s how it usually was for a lot of other people, honestly. So he was pleased to hear her promise to return the ‘favor’, should she ever need to talk about something difficult…or not difficult, as the case may be. Jackson laughed. “Okay, I believe you! Ha ha!” Even if it was something dumb….that’s what friends were for, right?

The sudden gesture - of Michelle offering Jackson the bracelet - was unexpected…though maybe it should have been, considering that they were friends. And now Jackson felt guilty because of the ones he’d made today…they were all made from attempts for only one person, and the failures intended for others. “Michelle….thanks,” he said softly, staring down at the small cluster of string that meant so much more. He nodded, the looked up again sharply. “I’m gonna make one for you too! Not like these sorry ones, but a really good one! Okay?” Jackson smiled to the pretty brunette as he took the bracelet and…struggled quite a bit trying to tie it on. “Uhh…can you help?” he asked meekly. Jackson chuckled and blushed to the hundredth time today.

[Michelle Reed]

"And even if you end up not mentioning anything, that's totally okay too. There's no rule saying you have to do it in a certain way. The only thing that matters is that you're comfortable with who you are and can accept that." Michelle added. There was already so much pressure on teenagers, and the last thing Jackson needed was the added pressure that came with the idea that you had to come out right away. "And if you do decide to tell your family, or anyone else, I'll be there to support you." She said with a reassuring smile.

It felt nice to have someone to fall back onto; Michelle couldn't help but to think about how her parents would be happy that she had someone to talk about the difficult stuff with. Sure, she had other friends but serious topics rarely, if ever, came up in casual conversation. With Jackson, she really felt that she had someone supportive. His offer seemed genuine too, which was hard to come by these days.

A soft smile appeared on her face, as Michelle took in his reaction to the bracelet. To her, it made sense. To memorialise the significance of this day. It was a simple gesture really, but served as a visual reminder that Jackson could come to her whenever needed. She really meant it. "No Jackson... thank you." She said, her lips curling up. "That's okay, you don't have to. But if you do I'll wear it everyday." And that was a promise. With a small laugh, she reached over with nimble fingers and tightened the bracelet around his wrist. "Is that okay? Not too tight or anything?"

[Deleted]

Michelle was exactly right, and Jackson appreciated every word of encouragement she gave him. Even if he never decided to go through with ‘coming out’….it was nice to know he had people on his side if he ever did. “Thanks, Michelle,” he said with a gentle smile. He felt like he couldn’t thank her enough, actually, for her support. “That really means a lot to me.” That’s why he felt like he couldn’t do anything less than the same for her.

He felt inadequate as a friend, though, knowing that she had thought to make him a bracelet while Jackson had been preoccupied with making them for other people. He was glad that she didn’t seem offended by it, but….it still felt wrong to him. And now he wanted to make her one just as perfect as the one he made for Rue! She was the one who taught him, so of course she deserved it. He couldn’t help offering her yet another smile, one that was much more genuine than his usually was. “Thanks…” he said for the millionth time. Jackson shook his head. “Nah, it’s fine. Perfect actually, ha ha!” He held it up to show it off. “How’s it look? Great, huh?” Of course, and it wasn’t girly or anything either…well, maybe a little, but…Jackson supposed that was okay.

He took a breath, then turned back to his work. “Okay, time to finish this,” he said, newly invigorated by this turn of events. Jackson looked down at the half-finished bracelet in front of him. “Uh……so….how did you do it again?” he asked nervously. Yes, she’d just shown him a few minutes ago, but…well, this was hard! He’d get it down eventually. With Michelle’s help, of course.