Love Follows the Rain (Jackson)

[Deleted]

Rue sighed quietly as he fidgeted with his sweater sleeve.  He'd asked Jackson to meet him here in one of the private studying rooms in the library, after he'd heard of... Recent events.  Events involving breaking and entering, and, if what he'd heard was true, attempting to hook up with another student named Kodi in said location.  Rue had to wonder if it was the same Kodi that his friend Gryphon had recently broken up with - he'd never really liked that boy, although he hadn't said as much in front of the winged meta until they had split up.  Honestly, the aura reader had been a little relieved.

But now apparently, if he was correct, that troubled teenager had taken his problems out on other people, including the student that Rue had grown very close to, and very protective of.  He knew that Jackson had been struggling recently, but he hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until he'd become aware of what happened.  

He thought it would be best for them to meet here, at the school, outside of more private and intimate places that would bring back memories that wouldn't be beneficial to their current situation.  Rue checked his phone again - it was a couple minutes after when he'd asked Jackson to come, and he hoped the boy would show up.  He'd tried to make it clear that he wasn't going to lecture the blonde... He just wanted to make sure he was alright.

[Deleted]

Despite what he claimed in his text, Jackson still had his doubts as to whether or not Rue was going to lecture him with the same tenacity as every single other adult in his life. He’d gotten it something terrible from his aunt, from the school administrators, from the basketball coach; he didn’t want to hear it from Rue too. He didn’t want to see that same look of disappointment in Rue’s eyes too. He just knew he let him down in the worst way possible, didn’t he? So he’d been avoiding Rue ever since the incident, certain that he’d gotten word of it at some point from someone, even if it was just through the rumor mill like Jake did.

He was probably disgusted with Jackson…this was a meeting to tell him that he couldn’t be seen with the delinquent anymore. Their relationship (whatever it was) was over. Jackson couldn’t help thinking that this was true, and the most likely reason why Rue had called him out so directly. Make it official. Make it quick. Makes it easier, right?

Jackson had knots in his stomach as he dragged his feet down the halls to the library, trying to ignore the occasional glance he got from someone who gotten wind of the rumors. Dammit, Jackson just wanted to curl up in a hole and wither away into nothing. He kept his head down, looking away from the other students, until he finally reached the double doors of the library. Jackson hesitated, his hand gripping the handle as he stood in the doorway. Jackson considered just not showing up in the first place. He could still run now, go home and avoid this confrontation altogether! He should just do that then, yes!

Jackson took his hand off the door handle and stepped back. Then he turned and started back down the hall….

[Deleted]

Rue began to wonder if perhaps he should have asked Jackson to meet him in a more familiar place. The more he considered it, the more he realized how cold and impersonal this might seem, especially to someone who was likely on edge and nervous enough as it was. And Jackson usually wasn’t late to things… Rue worried that he might not show up for fear of being spoken to harshly for probably the hundredth time since this had all happened.

He hoped not…. Rue hoped Jackson knew him better than that by now, knew that all he cared about was Jackson’s well-being, not punishing him for doing something illegal that hadn’t hurt anyone but himself, as far as he knew. He knew that what Jackson had gone through recently had led him to doing this, and the aura reader felt personally responsible for not being there for the younger boy as much as he should have. He felt like he could have prevented this from happening.

Rue waited a little longer, then sighed and determined Jackson wasn’t coming. He would have to try and see him some other way…. He reluctantly stood and left the study room, taking his time leaving the library and going out into the hallway. His head was bowed with sorrow and worry and it took a couple moments for him to realize that the teenager was out here. Rue blinked and parted his lips, surprised. ”… Jackson…?” he uttered softly, unmoving. “Why are you out here? Did I tell you the wrong room, or…?” He didn’t understand. “Can we talk?”

[Deleted]

As soon as Jackson reached the end of the hall, he turned around and was heading back towards the library…where he passed straight by it again. Jackson continued this pattern of pacing and walking in circles for several long minutes before Rue finally emerged from the library on his own.

Jackson was navigating a figure 8 at the time that Rue showed up, having not noticed the man’s arrival until he spoke up in that familiar deep voice. Jackson froze his pacing and stiffened his shoulders before slowly, slowly turning his head up to face Rue with the most pathetic, sad-puppy eyes ever. He wasn’t even trying to make them this time, though. Jackson was legit terrified of what might happen next. That, and he was still overwhelmed with the guilt of having disappointed Rue so completely and disgracefully. It was definitely over…

“I….” he started, averting his eyes. “I…I was gonna leave…not show up….but then I came back….but I couldn’t…..I don’t know….” He couldn’t bring himself to go through the door. His head hung down, too scared to look up at Rue’s face. He couldn’t do it with any shred of confidence anymore. Jackson scuffed his foot nervously, then nodded short and quick. “…Okay…” he said, his voice barely audible. Though he said it was, Jackson made no attempt to move towards the older man…though he also didn’t try to move away either.

[Deleted]

Rue’s heart dropped to the pit of his stomach, seeing the look on Jackson’s face as their eyes met. It was almost as sad as his aura, which was so dull and dark that Rue wondered if he’d ever seen an aura so pitiful. “Oh, Jackson….” He breathed, wanting nothing more than to wrap the boy in his arms and tell him it would be okay. But he couldn’t…. Not here, at least, in the middle of the school, where anyone might see them and get the wrong (but accurate) ideas.

He did step closer as Jackson started mumbling, holding in a sigh. “I’m sorry… I should have asked you to meet me somewhere else. I thought this would be easiest…” Most convenient for both of them, at least. Rue hated how the blonde couldn’t even seem to look at him. He bit his lip in thought, and glanced outside, changing his mind about where to go. “Come on, let’s go out to the pond, we should have enough privacy near there.” Hopefully most students would be inside, since it was a bit chilly. Rue gave the younger boy a small tug on his sleeve and led him out towards the water, mulling over what he should say.

“…. I’m not angry at you,” he finally started as they were still walking. “I mean… I was upset to hear what you’d done, but it’s already over with, so I’m not going to dwell on something that I’m sure you’ve been punished for more than enough by now.” Rue found a place to sit under a tree and settled down, looking out over the pond with pensive eyes. “…. Are you doing okay, Jackson? I’m worried about you.” He turned to look at his younger companion with the emotion clear in his eyes.

[Deleted]

This was a bad place for them to be. Too public. Too many eyes from both the school and students. Jackson could use that hug that Rue couldn’t give to him right now. But because they were here, Jackson had no way of knowing if Rue holding back was because of the rules he was trying to abide by, or because he didn’t want to touch Jackson. He hoped it was the former, but his guilt and insecurity told him it was the latter.

So Jackson just kept his head hung, and nodded. “Yeah…..probably….” Though if it was anywhere else, Jackson wasn’t sure he would’ve made it this far even. It would have been easier for him to ignore the request and just go home. He glanced up slowly when Rue suggested a change in location, and Jackson nodded again. “Okay…” At this point it probably didn’t matter where they were…okay, it did, but Jackson wasn’t sure how much he cared. His life was fucked anyway.

He followed Rue in silence, his hands shoved deep into his pockets where they were kept warm, though the cold still managed to chill the rest of his body. Jackson was sure how to take Rue’s admission. He wasn’t angry? He had every right to be angry, so…why wasn’t he too…? Was it even the truth? “Okay…” he mumbled awkwardly, uncertain of what else to say. Well…he knew what he wanted to say…but he couldn’t say those sorts of things in front of Rue. That would just disappoint him again. Jackson didn’t sit down, and instead gazed out toward the pond with tired eyes. He shook his head slowly after a few moments. “….no….” he said, a tension in his voice. “I’m not okay…..I’m tired…..and I hate everything….” Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he spoke, his throat stinging as he tried to hold back. “And….I don’t know what to do about it….”

[Deleted]

Once the two of them got somewhere more private, Rue would certainly show Jackson more affection. Not that the blonde would know that… Well, the study room in the library had been fairly private, but they hadn’t had the chance to use it, so going somewhere else seemed the best idea at this point. And Jackson seemed to be alright with it, so to the pond it was. Of course, something like the janitor’s closet they’d been inside on more than one account would be even more private, but Rue couldn’t predict what he’d do in there…

He wished it wasn’t quite so cold out, Rue wasn’t sure how long they would be able to stand it. Maybe after they had gotten out all they wanted to say to each other, they could go back to Jackson’s house or something. As long as this went okay, at least… He noticed how Jackson chose not to sit, and Rue frowned to himself, folding his hands together and resting his elbows on his knees to make a perch to rest his chin on. The words that the younger boy finally got out just made his chest ache even more. “Jackson…” he murmured sadly. “Will you please sit down with me?” After a quick glance around, he reached out and reached for the boy’s hand (or rather, his wrist, since his hands were in his pockets). “Please… Let me help you,” he said gently. “I haven’t been there for you as much as I should be, and I’m so, so sorry. I want you to be able to talk to me about anything, good or bad, shameful or proud.” His hand tightened around Jackson’s. “Let me help you. I don’t want you to… To resort to something like that again. I want you… To have healthy outlets for your stress and worry.” He hadn’t taken his eyes off of Jackson’s face. “… Will you let me help you, sweetheart? To take off some of this burden?"

[Deleted]

What.....how was he supposed to react to Rue, though? If he wasn't angry, then what was he? Jackson had no reason to, but he somehow didn't trust Rue's intentions. If Jackson was in his place, he would definitely be disappointed in the boy. And judging him. And feel like lecturing him. Jackson didn't blame Rue if he did do that, but the fact that everything he said and did contradicted that prediction....Jackson didn't know what to believe. So until he was certain, he would keep his distance...and that's what he did. Jackson didn't move away from Rue's hand, but instead reached out with his power and gently pushed away the aura reader.

Jackson chuckled lightly, though he was anything but amused. "I don't know how you can help," he said, keeping his eyes away with a sad smile on his lips. "Y-you can't....just fix this...with a few hugs and kind words, y'know? It doesn't work like that..." Rue couldn't bring back his grandmother, he couldn't bring back his mother, he couldn't get his dad out of prison, he couldn't make people accept him as the half-breed, screwed up faggot he was....hell, he couldn't even get him back on the basketball team. Jake had tried to do that - that prideful brat only did it for his own ego - and failed spectacularly. What else did he have left? His grades just kept falling, too.

"It's not your fault, because you didn't give me enough attention or whatever," he said, exasperated. "I was screwed up to begin with..." Which was the truth, for the most part. He was just a pro at not letting anyone see it. Jackson dropped his head and sighed again. "I'm just...sick of trying so hard. It's not worth it anymore, and I...I don't even know who the hell I'm trying to impress anymore, either."

[Deleted]

Sure, Rue had been disappointed when he’d first heard about the event. He’d thought that Jackson was doing better, despite all the bad things that had been happening to him. But unlike a lot of the people that did choose to lecture Jackson and scold him for his bad behavior, Rue knew the boy better, and expected that he had only lashed out so much and did such a bad thing because he felt like he had nothing else to lose. That didn’t make it right, but Rue couldn’t find it in himself to be angry when he mostly felt sorrow.

Rue felt the invisible push against him and didn’t fight against it, despite it making him feel even worse. He listened to Jackson’s reply sadly, knowing that he was right, as much as he hated it. “I might not be able to fix everything that has happened… But I can at least try to prevent more from happening,” he said softly. “And I would rather know that at least someone is looking out for you. You need someone in your life that you can depend on.” And since Jackson didn’t really have any parental figures that he could count on, Rue felt the need to try and take on that role himself.

“You’re not screwed up,” he replied, a touch of frustration in his voice. “You’ve been given more stresses than you can take and it’s become too much for you to handle on your own. Especially when you have such high expectations for yourself.” Rue sighed and leaned back against the trunk of the tree, wishing Jackson was more accepting of his desire to help. “Don’t do anything for anyone else,” he finally went on. “Not for your family, not for Hammel, not even for me. You’ve done that for too long. You need to figure out what it is that you want. Because if you try too much to focus on the world around you rather than yourself, you’re going to be disappointed over and over again.” Self-love and acceptance was one of the hardest things to achieve, and Rue still wasn’t quite there himself, but it was something he sought more for every day. “…. I love you, Jackson. I want to see you happy. But you also need to learn how to love yourself, because you’re the only one that really matters.”

[Deleted]

After pushing Rue away, Jackson instantly regretted it. Though now that it’d been done already, he couldn’t take it back. There was no going back. Just like with all the shit he’d done, Jackson felt like all he could do was just keep going down this road and never look back. Nothing was going to change it or make these things not happen. That’s why he’d said those words to Rue. Again, he wished he hadn’t. Even with his doubts, Jackson knew Rue was just trying to help.

So why wasn’t Jackson letting him? Maybe because he didn’t think he deserved it. Still, he couldn’t answer Rue, though he didn’t move closer to him either.

It was when Rue started again that Jackson felt his emotions well up inside him again. He stared straight ahead with a hard expression, though a wetness was collecting at his eyes again, and he bit his lip to keep it from trembling. Why….why did Rue keep doing this? Why did he believe in Jackson so much? It was hearing those three words that finally broke his silence. “S-stop….y-you say that….only because you don’t know,” he started with a quiver in his voice. “Y-you k-keep making excuses for me!” he said his voice rising. “And you think I’m not that bad, and I’m just lashing out like some spoiled brat, but that’s because you don’t know! It’s because you don’t know the rest of it, okay!?” There were so many other things outside of just this incident that he should’ve gotten caught for, and punished for, but didn’t. That he was still doing, despite knowing how fucked up it was. “T-this isn’t the first time I’ve done this sort of stuff, okay? I’ve broken into people’s houses before. I’ve stolen stuff without a second thought. I’ve lied, cheated, vandalized playgrounds with graffiti….!!” Jackson was staring at Rue now, his face desperate and full of anguish. “I…I’m not the innocent little boy you think I am…..okay?” Okay….? Tears fell freely from Jackson’s eyes and he lowered his head. How could Rue love him now, knowing all that?

[Deleted]

This was a hard conversation to have, even for Rue, who prided himself in being a very good listener and capable of giving good advice to those that needed it. It was always difficult, though, to help someone who had yet to believe they needed help, and Jackson seemed to be stuck in a pit of self-loathing and despair that would take some time to get out of. But Rue didn’t want him to think that he had to be alone for that, even if the whole world seemed to be working against him.

He kept his eyes forward, but couldn’t help but notice the shifting colors of Jackson’s aura. He was a little relieved to know that his words were at least doing something, but he wasn’t sure how much good it was. And when Jackson snapped, Rue stopped speaking, allowing him to get out everything that he wanted and needed to. He kept silent through the whole tirade, his expression unmoving, and his gaze still fixed out onto the water. It was true, he hadn’t heard these things before, but… Rue would be lying if he said he hadn’t had his suspicions before. He was very well-tuned to emotions, and as such, plus his ability, he had a natural sense for picking up on when people weren’t telling the whole truth. He’d never pressured Jackson to speak more openly than he wanted to, though. He wanted to wait until he felt comfortable coming out about it. And apparently now was that moment.

Rather than respond directly to the things that Jackson had told him, Rue looked down and folded his hands together in his lap. “Have I ever told you that I almost killed someone when I was younger than you?” he asked, his voice quiet. “It wasn’t an accident either. I used to have a temper so bad that people avoided me knowing how unstable I was.” He finally looked up and met Jackson’s eyes. “Back that time when I hit Oriel in that alley… That’s what I used to be like all the time. I was a terrible person that let my emotions control my actions. Now…. Now, I’m still not perfect by any means, but I strive every day to be a better person and put a lot of effort into keeping myself from falling into that mindset again.” He let out a soft breath and stood, taking the crying boy into his arms and pressing Jackson’s face into his shoulder. “What I’m trying to say is… Don’t let the things you’ve done in your past control what you do now, and in the future. Just because you’ve done and are doing bad things, doesn’t mean you always have to be that way. Does that make sense?” Rue pulled away and took the boy’s face gently in his hands. “All I ask is that you try to get just a little better every day. It won’t be easy, but I do know that you’re not entirely a bad person, even if you feel that way.”

[Deleted]

Jackson wasn’t sure what his goal was to spill all of his misdeeds like he had. Maybe to prove that he really wasn’t a good person? So that Rue would realize that he didn’t want to get any more involved with the boy? Because for whatever reason, Rue decided to not see these things and kept blindly believing in the boy. Because he loved him….? Those words…it didn’t sound or feel like a romantic confession, more like a parent or older brother reminding him of something he already knew. Jackson was certain that’s how he meant it, and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel about that.

He didn’t expect a confession of his own to come from Rue. Jackson blinked and stared down at the older man as he iterated his short tale about his past. Jackson wasn’t expecting that, but…like Rue did for him, Jackson wasn’t completely surprised. The way he’d gone after Oriel that one day was a small glimpse into a person that Rue obviously tried to keep suppressed underneath his calm, forgiving nature. Jackson had suspected that Rue hadn’t always been the nice guy he knew.

When Rue pulled him in, Jackson didn’t resist this time and instead gripped tightly at the taller man’s shirt, burying his face into his shoulder. He felt like the tears would never stop at this rate. “T-that’s….that’s not fair…” he sobbed with a humorless chuckle. “I had…a lot more I was gonna say…..and now….I c-can’t say any of it!” That wasn’t fair, that Rue managed to refute everything he was thinking before he could even put it into words. Jerk. He held himself there for a few long moments before trying to speak again. “I….I feel like……like I’m so far away….from the person I was trying to be. I-I don’t even know who that is anymore!” It was like one minute he was moving forward toward that goal, and somehow slowly got turned around, going in exactly the direction he didn’t want to go without realizing it. Didn’t he? “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…!” he cried. He was so confused, nothing seemed to make sense anymore. And that scared him so much…

[Deleted]

Rue was relieved that this time Jackson didn’t pull away from his touch. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if he had, because he just… really wanted to hug him. To console him. To try and tell him everything would be alright, even if that was impossible to know. And it hurt him that he couldn’t do more for the poor younger boy. “Hm?” he hummed softly, unsure of what to say to what Jackson spoke. “… I’m sorry. I will still listen if you want to say it anyway.” Rue had to wonder what else he was going to vent, but just stroked the back of the shorter boy’s hair, hoping to soothe him even a little.

He listened quietly again as Jackson did start speaking, and felt understanding of his situation and emotions. “It can be easy to let the pressures around us mold who we are without really giving our consent,” Rue mused softly. “And no one your age – or my age, even – really knows who they are or what they want in life. It’s not an uncommon feeling.” He pulled away slightly so he could cup Jackson’s face in his hands and rubbed the pads of his thumbs over the boy’s damp cheeks. “What you do is… You just keep moving forward. I’m still happy to help you with your schoolwork, even though you don’t really seem to need it. You’re more intelligent than you give yourself credit for.” Without bothering to see if anyone was watching, the older man leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of Jackson’s mouth. “And come to me if you’re just feeling overwhelmed, too. You can vent at me all you want, I don’t mind.”

[Deleted]

Jackson shook his head into the older man’s chest when he offered to let the boy continue on his rant. “…I was gonna say something like…” he started, a lot more calmly than he’d been before, though that still didn’t stop the tears from pouring out as he said it. “Like…I knew what I was doing….I knew it was fucked up…and I still chose to do it anyway.” Jackson cleared his throat before starting again. “I’m not some ignorant kid who didn’t know any better…..is what I’m saying…and that just…just make it worse, I think…?” It makes him more responsible. And more deserving of whatever punishment he got from it.

Basically, Jackson didn’t like making excuses for his behavior, particularly when he thought he deserved it. He didn’t like the excuse that it was societies fault, or his family situation, or because he was from the lower class, or because he of mixed race, or anything else like that. It felt like he was trying to shirk responsibility, and that made it even worse when other people did it for him.

“…I thought I knew,” he said in a weak voice. “I thought I knew where I was going…I thought I knew what I wanted…” He tightened his grip on the man, wrapping his arms around his large torso. “I’m just so tired…of trying and not getting anywhere…” And life just kept throwing shit at him to make it harder. He slowly opened his eyes to meet Rue’s gaze when the man cupped his face, taking comfort in those familiar, gentle touches…and then silently closed them again when Rue kissed him. “I…I got a lot,” he warned. “T-there’s a lot more going on in this head of mine than you think!” And most of it not always kind. Some of it downright spiteful. “S-so…so don’t blame me when you get in over your head, okay!?”

[Deleted]

Rue’s large hand rubbed wide circles against the shorter boy’s back, his head tilted slightly into Jackson’s own as he continued on. “I see…” he murmured, although it didn’t come as a surprise to him. Of course the blonde had known what he was doing. He was a smart boy, not an ignorant child. Rue almost felt, though, that Jackson… Wanted him to be mad. Expected it, at least. But all the older man felt was sympathy, and worry. “Sometimes it’s hard to express ourselves in healthy ways, even if we know what we’re doing is wrong,” he consoled. “It’s easier to ruin ourselves than to take care of our well-being.” Especially when you didn’t feel like you had anyone you could turn to for support.

His hand lifted to stroke gently in the boy’s hair. “I know…” he murmured, trying to comfort the boy. “But it’s not the end of the world. You’ll figure it out, I know you will. You’re still young. Everyone makes mistakes during this time of their lives.” Sure, Jackson’s mistakes might have been more severe than many, but it wasn’t the worst either. Rue chuckled dryly at the boy’s warnings. “I’m sure there is,” he replied, unsurprised. “But I can handle a lot. I’m studying to be a therapist, after all – this will just be like practice.” He offered a small smile. “Now… How about we go and buy some bubble tea? My treat.” He figured they could talk more once they were able to get in a more private place. And not necessarily today, when Jackson was already so worked up.