How Do I... Help? Please? (Sean)

[Joelle McIntosh]

Seeing any manner of doctor was far from unusual for Joelle, especially in the past year and a half.  Back home she had maintained regular appointments with a psychiatrist who was supposed to have helped her through her transitioning.  But it was hard to do that long-distance.  Now that she was better settled into Hammel, she was ready to try to either get a referral from her old doctor, oooor...

Maybe Dr Neville could help her with that.  Down the road.  Maybe.  

Her visit today was a little bit less to do with that, and a little more to do with the fact that thanks to Kitrana, she had a date in her future.  

A date that she had no idea how to approach.  Sure, Koty was nice.  Amazingly nice.  But she was so scared about screwing up or approaching the whole 'hey I might be a girl but my body thought differently' thing.  Which... he might have known from their shopping trip, what with his power and the hand holding and her loud thoughts before she'd thought to shush them... she had no idea.  She'd glossed over dating before in her appointments back home, but now it was glaringly important.  Kit had said that Koty was probably the last person to ever be mean to her, but she still wanted to do right by him.  And that meant trying to figure out this mess before it happened in the first place.

After depositing her bag into her room, she ran a quick brush through her hair and steeled what nerves she could before heading back into the main building from the dorms.  Once she found the right hall, she pulled her phone from her pocket and turned it off before brushing her knuckles against the door.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had plenty of experience working with transgender youth, between his volunteering at the LGBT Youth Center, and simply within his capacity as the psychiatrist at Hammel, and before that, in private practice, although that was considered the Wild West of treatment. Although transgender people would never qualify as more than a small minority of the population, meta-humans were the same way, and, as a result, more than a handful of Hammel students over the past two and a half decade had fit under the transgender umbrella. For all of the students who wanted to transition medically, he had worked with them to get the proper treatment. For those who did not, he still provided counseling and resources for whatever aspects of transition – legal or social – that they wished to pursue.

But that was a matter for another day.

For now, the psychiatrist sat at his desk with a mug of coffee and a pile of paperwork. The unending paperwork that, although he did everything required of him, always seemed to remain a presence in his life. Such was his job, since he engaged with a certain level of bureaucracy.

Hearing a knock at the door, and sensing Joelle outside it, he called to her, “You can come in!”

As always, the paperwork could wait.

[Joelle McIntosh]

With the centre so close by, Joelle had been hopeful that support in Pilot Ridge would be reasonably accessible. So far she'd been fairly right, and she'd stopped worrying about it. At least... up until now. And in reviewing her options for assistance, she'd come up almost empty. Kitrana was amazing, but... almost too bold. She wasn't sure just what kind of advice to expect from her. Jeff... was exactly zero help in the dating department. She didn't really want to bug Nick when he was so busy with school, and her mother... well. She wasn't too sure how to go about the subject with her mother, and how much help she would be. Maybe it would just be awkward. And while she could ask Sophie, she didn't want to pester her.

That had more or less left her with Dr Neville. After learning that he could help with virtually anything, she had made her appointment and held out hope that he would be nice.

At the call, she pushed open the door and gingerly closed it behind herself before looking at him. Instantly recognition showed on her face. She'd met him before! He'd been at the LGBT Center for the holiday party! He'd seemed nice then, and she managed to relax a little more.

"Good afternoon Dr. Neville," she greeted with a smile. Tracing a small arch on the floor with her toe, she peeked up at him through a purple curtain of bangs. "Thank you for taking time to see me." Her mother had always encouraged good manners, and she wasn't about to lose them now.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean prided himself and Pilot Ridge more generally with the fact that they did what they could to make the community welcome to LGBT people, particularly students, and he made it his personal mission to make sure that trans students had access to all the necessary services. He and the rest of the staff had received a debriefing about Joelle, and he had her file set aside in case she needed to transfer care. He knew she had a doctor and a therapist back home, but he was present, and she was not the first person he had assisted with necessary medications.

But he would bring that up if and when Joelle did. For now, she was simply another student who had sought him out for one reason or another.

“Good afternoon, Joelle,” he replied warmly, returning her smile with one of his own.

He, too, had been raised with good manners, and while he would prefer honesty to shiny veneer (as painful as that could be with his sister), he appreciated politeness as much as the next authority figure did.

“Of course. That’s why I’m here.”

Then, he gestured at the wide assortment of furniture around the office. “Choose wherever you’d like to sit; I’ll move around you.”

[Joelle McIntosh]

Honestly, so far Pilot Ridge had far outshone home in terms of accessibility to information and acceptance in general. Finding the LGBT Youth Centre had been something of a blessing, and since the party she'd returned a few times. She was making friends, too, who also seemed incredibly open. Kit, in particular, who she was grateful to have as a roommate. Yes, she was loud and a little too open at times, but she was also an incredible, beautiful person and she was happy to have her as a friend.

Part of her wanted to expedite transferring her particular needs to Dr Neville sooner rather than later, and hope that perhaps he would let her get around the wait before starting hormone therapy. It was a small hope, being that her therapist back home expected her to follow through with the wait. But it was hard. Especially when her voice did stupid things like crack in the middle of class.

And that was usually the least of her problems, but one that bothered her nonetheless.

But today wasn't about hormones or anything like that. It was about... dating. Because she didn't know what to do.

At the invite, she glanced around the office at the options before opting to head to one of the chairs near the desk. "You don't have to move for my sake." Respecting her elders was something she had been taught early on, and she wasn't about to throw that away now. Perching in the chair, she pulled her shrug a little closer to herself and tried not to fidget. "I was hoping for some advice, or assistance..." She trusted that he knew about her circumstances. "I've never been on a date before. But... I'm going on one soon." She had Koty still had to figure out those details. Ducking her head a little, her determination not to fidget lapsed somewhat, and she began to toy with the hem of her shrug. "I don't know... how." Anxiety washed over her thoughts, much like it had when she and Koty had gone fish shopping. Unspoken questions about how to act and what to say and how to approach certain... topics twisted around as she tried hard to arrange her thoughts. "I really really wish it was as easy as just going on a date like any girl, but..." One foot scuffed against the floor. "It's not. Not really." Which was her problem in the first place. How exactly did she broach talking about being trans with Koty? Would it make him run off? Scare him? Worse? There were too many unknowns for her to go at this alone, and it worried her. Hopefully, Dr. Neville could help.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean acknowledged that with a nod, and he remained seated, waiting for Joelle to make herself comfortable and then to explain what brought her to his office today. He had a bowl of candy on the corner of his desk, filled with remnants from his shopping trip with Rachel Kells a couple of weeks prior, and which was hers for the taking if she wanted a piece.

Dating was the perennial problem afflicting teenagers. Nearly every student from every demographic dealt with those issues at one point or another. Sean had counseled asexual students about how to find satisfaction in their romantic relationships. He had helped students struggling with same-sex attraction for the first time. He answered the questions about whether a student was obligated to sleep with his or her significant other in order to keep them in his or her life. He had helped several students through pregnancies over the years. He provided birth control options. Although trans people were such a small percentage of the population that he hadn’t had as much experience with trans students as he did with cis students, he had helped several of his trans former students with relationship questions as well.

That didn’t mean that dating became any easier for the individual students, no matter how many came through his office.

“Dating can be nerve-wracking,” he agreed sympathetically. And it was made all the more so by society’s transphobia and the risks of violence.

However, the psychiatrist’s ears perked up when she mentioned Koty. He knew Koty, since he kept tabs on all of the telepaths at the school. The boy was polite enough and didn’t have a reputation for fighting or lashing out at other people; in fact, he feared his powers enough to wear gloves at all times, which, incidentally, would explain how the boy didn’t know through his powers in the first place.

Although it remained possible that he did, but, because he didn’t want to invade her privacy, he had said nothing to her. If that was the case, then it implied tacit acceptance of her being trans.

“Do you want general dos and don’ts? Or do you want my advice about disclosure?” He could provide either or both.

[Joelle McIntosh]

As much as the candy was tempting, Joelle left it for the moment. She didn’t want to distract herself from the task at hand. By now she thought she might have gotten over some of the awkward that came with these kinds of conversations. After all, she’d had much more intimate ones with her doctors back home. But dating was something new. She’d grown up seeing her oldest brother charm girls time and time again, but to be one of those girls? That was very, very new territory. And honestly, a little scary. She’d read horror stories on support forums, and while she didn’t think Koty would do anything other than be his sweet, gentle self… it was hard to rid her mind of those stories.

“Everyone makes it look so easy,” she said softly. She was constantly seeing couples in the halls between classes, or in the student lounge after school. She’d seen Nick with lots of girls over the years. But like it or not, there was a difference between her and most of the other students, and her and her brother.

At least Dr Neville seemed to understand.

In all fairness, she still didn’t know how much, if anything, Koty knew. They had shared skin-to-skin contact at the pet store, because he’d wanted to see how her power worked as she’d talked to the fish there prior to choosing their pets. During that time she had had a lot of thoughts flow through her mind, and some of them had involved the fact that yes, she was tras, and no, Koty didn’t know. Except maybe he did. She had nothing in the way of mental shields to stop him, if he’d overheard. But he hadn’t said anything…

This was far from easy.

“Mmm mostly disclosure, but maybe some dos and don’ts too?” Basic dating information she could probably ask Kitrana for, but as much as she liked her roommate, she could also be rather… bold. To put it lightly. Hearing it from an adult seemed like a better idea for the moment.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Both Sean’s expression and tone were sympathetic as he replied, “It can look that way sometimes.” Many of her fellow students struggled with dating, as did many adults, including some in the psychiatrist’s age group. So many students were uncertain of how to relate to someone to whom they felt attraction, or else they believed that they had missed an instructional video that everyone else had received. Yet, more often than not, everyone stumbled along with much the same fears and hopes.

However, Sean acknowledged that as difficult as it could be to navigate as a teenager or even as an adult, it was easier if one was straight than gay, lesbian, or bisexual, and it was easier if one was cis than if one was trans. As a cis man himself, the psychiatrist didn’t have the same personal experience, but he did have his own relationship experience, he had trans people in his social circle, and he did everything he could to read interviews and articles to expand his knowledge base. It was all that he could do.

He acknowledged what she listed with a nod, before he said, “As a starting proposition, I think you need to weigh the risks of disclosure with the likelihood of the relationship as a whole. I don’t fall into the camp of believing that, as a matter of course, you need to tell someone you are trans just because you go on a date with them.” As with all major aspects of life, including infertility, family and medical history, and the existence of prior children, the psychiatrist believed it was necessary to disclose when a relationship became serious enough for life planning since it would, at that point, involve one’s partner as well as oneself, but this was a first date in high school. The two were not equivalent. “I don’t see Koty reacting maliciously if he found out through someone else, and I think it’s possible that, given his power, he might have an indication already. I know that might increase pressure in one sense, but, given the possibility, I don't think you need to disclose immediately.”

[Joelle McIntosh]

While certain brothers that, for Dr. Neville’s sake would remain nameless, might see his expression as almost patronizing, she recognized it as sympathetic. Everyone did make dating look so easy. And the way Kit talked about dating and love made it seem simple, too. She nodded in agreement, twisting strands of hair around her finger. Nick made it look easy back home, but he liked girls, and girls loved him. He didn’t have any hindrances when it came to dating, so even he was out in terms of talking to someone about it.

At least she had Dr. Neville who was willing to help.

Oh, the risks. She had read horror stories on forums. They scared her, even though the worst she’d gotten back home was names before manifesting and being sent to Hammel. So much worse could happen over and above names, and she knew that. Nibbling her lip in thought, she peeked up at him. “It kind of feels like lying, though…” In her mind it was easier to be upfront about it, because she couldn’t imagine being with someone long enough to trust them with that information, only to have them push her away over it. Not that she thought Koty would. Still. She didn’t want to lie to him. Even if it wasn’t really lying.

This was why she needed help.

“He showed me his power, sort of.” Which she hadn’t thought much of at first, but upon realizing exactly what he could do, she’d mentally freaked out before trying to hush her thoughts. “So I don’t know if he found out then and just didn’t say anything, or if he couldn’t tell.” One hand came up to fiddle with one of her earrings. “I’ve only told my roommate, Kit, but that was different.” And had only come about after a long conversation and Kit talking about knowing someone who was transgender before. Kit seemed to like her regardless, but they were friends and it was different. “So if I odn’t disclose right away… if he doesn’t know… what do you do on a date?” This was the other problem – she didn’t know how to do this.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Fortunately, Joelle sat in his office rather than Jeff. Sean didn’t dislike her brother, but the boy’s attitude was enough to turn someone’s hair grey on a good day. He needed a sterner talking to than the psychiatrist had managed thus far.

“I can’t tell you what is or isn’t right for you; only you can answer that for yourself,” Sean told her; that was the crux of the matter. He could give his opinions, but as a cisgender man, they only went so far. It was her life, her potential relationship, and she had to choose for herself. He could, and would, offer his opinions or share experiences he had learned from others, but the closest parallels he had to her situation were coming out as bisexual and disclosing his meta-human status. Those were different, and while he had faced rejection for both over the decades, neither put him in danger of violent retaliation. “However, for what it’s worth, I don’t consider it lying.”

This was high school dating, and, while being transgender differed from being cisgender, it wasn’t as though she was pretending; she was a teenage girl, and she was single and interested in dating Koty. This wasn’t a cruel game or an ego boosting exercise.

Besides, as a telepath, he had different opinions about the nature of truth and omission than many non-psychics.

The psychiatrist nodded to demonstrate that he was listening and understood what she said about both learning of Koty’s powers and also disclosing to her roommate. “He might know already.” Sean’s powers were stronger than Koty’s, and they weren’t touch-based, and thus it wasn’t a perfect analogy, but he would have picked up on that immediately at their age. “It wouldn’t be wrong to simply let it be for now and see how the date goes instead.”

First dates could be nerve-wracking enough.

To that end, he offered her a sympathetic smile. “At your age? That depends on the date. Where did Koty say you were going?”

[Joelle McIntosh]

Oh, Joelle knew what a big pain in the butt Jeff could be. She’d experienced it firsthand since she had first come to Hammel and had first come out to him. With her brother she hadn’t had a choice about it. Growing up with him, it had always been the four brothers. She’d started living as a girl after he had gone to Hammel, so his adjustment period had been a lot shorter. Yet he’d turned from his usual brotherly mannerisms to suddenly thinking she couldn’t do anything. Like carrying a suitcase. Annoying was the tip of the iceberg with him. Annoying, but she still loved him.

“… I know.” Somehow she’d known deep down that that would be the case. Still, the slight validation that it wasn’t exactly lying made her feel a little better. Maybe not lying, but sort of omitting the truth. In a weird way. “It isn’t lying? Some people seem to think it is.” The trouble with online forums was that they were a mixed bag of opinions. She’d read enough to know that much was true. Scuffing the floor with her foot, she sighed softly. This was never going to be easy.

The idea Koty knew already and yet still agreed to the date (courtesy of Kitrana) was a bit of a comfort to her. It meant that he wasn’t freaked out, which was a step in the right direction. She nodded in understanding, hoping honestly that it was true. It would make everything so much easier.

“Ummm.” At least this wasn’t such an awkward subject. “I don’t really know yet. Mostly just dinner.” Kit had been pestering her to pick somewhere fancy, but just because Koty had access to money didn’t mean she wanted him to spend it on her. He’d done enough helping her out with Blip’s tank. She didn’t need somewhere fancy. Just spending time with Koty was going to be more than enough.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean frowned slightly at the announcement that she had read such opinions on the Internet and shook his head to deny the underlying claim. “There are people online and some in life who think that my orientation means I can’t make a monogamous commitment with another person; those are their prejudices and you shouldn’t cater to them.” He had identified as bisexual for thirty-seven years, and, in that time, he had received all manner of flak for that; some people could never be convinced. “You’re a girl the same way my cis high school girlfriend was a girl, and it isn’t lying not to disclose immediately.”

She wasn’t claiming not to be trans; she was only keeping that to herself for a while on a first date in high school.

The innocence of high school dates.

Sean didn’t miss those in his life, since he was in his late-fifties and happily coupled, which meant that, even when he and Josh took date nights or long weekends, they needn’t engage in any of the dance associated with first dates as teenagers. That suited him fine; he preferred the familiarity of a long-term adult relationship, and he liked being able to cut to the chase as suited Josh and himself; he was a fifty-eight-year-old man instead of a fifteen-year-old-girl.

However, he remained familiar with the social conventions in which teenagers engaged, occasional media attempts to paint those conventions as out of control and utterly alien to what everyone his age had done aside. He knew that teen sex rates and teen pregnancy rates were down despite media frenzy and political posturing.

“If you’re going out for supper, most of what you do is eat and talk.” That was how his dates had gone at an older age than she was now, particularly first dates. “A first date is to let you get to know each other, but you don’t have to get physical unless you want to.”

Of course, at her age and with her level of experience, when Sean said “get physical” he meant “kiss or hold hands.” This wasn’t Oriel or Phoenix, and thus he didn’t need to give her the same lectures that he would give to one of them.

“If you’re eating out, then make sure he tips at least 25%. I know custom is 15-20% but times are tough right now.” Although Sean didn’t believe in much of the posturing associated with toxic masculinity, he did think that, if people were going to show off for their dates, it might as well benefit waitstaff.

[Joelle McIntosh]

She should have thought about that before actually voicing it. There was a lot of conflicting information out there, yes. She had a hard time following just what to believe sometimes, especially on forums where it seemed like no one agreed with anyone else. Nibbling her lower lip, she glanced at the floor. “I know everyone is entitled to opinions. But sometimes they really suck. I’m sorry.” She’d seen it herself, especially at her old school. People were entitled to their opinions, sure. But that didn’t stop them from sucking. She couldn’t imagine anyone telling Dr. Neville he couldn’t be in a relationship. He was kind, and smart, and he certainly seemed capable of a relationship.

She really wished it wasn’t this hard. If she was like her brothers, this wouldn’t be this hard. They were lucky, even if Jeff didn’t seem to realize it. But at least she was trying. It was all she could do. Try, and hope that things would go well.

It would be nice if things could go well.

Eating and talking. That sounded like something she could handle. “Okay.” She nodded in understanding. “That sounds… doable.” Not easy, but doable. Koty was easy to talk to, but she knew she’d be nervous. That would hinder things somewhat. But she would try. This chance alone was enough to try her hardest for.

His recommendation made her think. It made sense, she supposed. She didn’t think she was in any place to tell Koty what to do with his money, even though he’d made it clear he didn’t mind parting with it. She nodded again. “I’ll try to remember that one.” And find a way to communicate it to Koty. Oh! He was a telepath! She could quietly tell him without making it… too awkward. She hoped. “Is there anything else important to know?” Knowing Kit, she’d cover some sort of made up dress code that involved a shopping trip, but that she could deal with on her own. It was more… technicalities.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“They do,” Sean agreed with a nod. There was no end to the cruelty and bile that people expressed online. While he valued the information and communication aspects of the Internet and newer technology as a whole, he limited what he read and consumed. He never read the comments on news articles (which served as a common topic of debate in the Neville-Bernstein home entirely because one of Josh’s favorite hobbies was reading online articles, reading the comments, and then engaging with the authors of those comments). The psychiatrist also never posted on forums, with the rare exception of professional groups, where everyone’s credentials were checked and the topics were limited to practice areas. He found that better for his peace of mind. After all, the telepathy ensured that he was privy to all of humanity’s foibles and worse impulses; there was no reason for him to engage with that online as well.

However, younger generations were more enmeshed in cyber space; students couldn’t disengage as easily as he could, as a fifty-eight-year-old who had attended college when they still used typewriters for their term papers. More was the pity, given how many bilious opinions people shared and the harassment in which people chose to engage. “But those are their shortcomings; I have nothing to be ashamed of, and neither do you.”

The psychiatrist knew that he was a good spouse and firmly committed to his partner. He never experienced temptation, and that had nothing to do with his sexual orientation one way or another. Likewise, Joelle was a good person, which had nothing to do one way or the other with being trans feminine. She was both and neither contradicted the other. He simply wished she could hear that more often.

“Most everyone is nervous on a first date, so try to keep that in mind. The odds are high that you’ll feel a bit awkward, but that’s part of growing pains; nearly everyone has been on a first date before, and we’ve all felt that we were doing everything wrong when, in fact, everything was fine. If you focus on the good parts, you won’t become mired in second-guessing yourself.”

All of that mattered less as one grew older. Sean could say that with some authority, given that he had continued going on “first dates” with women and men well into his fifties, nearly forty years after his first “first date.”

“And most importantly, you have every right to go at your own pace.” The psychiatrist didn’t think that Koty would pressure her into anything, not give the boy’s general demeanor and then his fear of physical contact since his powers were touch-based; still, Joelle should hear that, because so many parts of society pushed the poisonous narrative that boundaries were somehow selfish or unhealthy. They were neither; instead, they were natural, and everyone was entitled to draw them based on nothing more than the fact that they were human and thus deserving of consideration, personal space, and self-determination.

[Joelle McIntosh]

Joelle had experienced those firsthand herself, and while she’d seen it online from place to place, she had yet to be targeted herself. Not that that was an experience she particularly wanted to have. Bullying and biting comments after she’d started her transition back home, before coming to Hammel, had been unavoidable, it seemed. It was sad that for her to be happy, other people felt the need to bring her down. At least Hammel seemed different so far. No one had been outright cruel to her, though she figured if anyone was, Jeff would probably come to her rescue. Girls couldn’t fend for themselves, after all, if she listened to him. (Which she didn’t. His ideas about girls were stupid.)

Dr. Neville’s advice was something she’d heard before, back before she’d been recruited to Hammel, but it made her smile nonetheless. “I know.” Sometimes it was hard to remember that, but if she had people around like Dr. Neville, it would be easier.

His advice seemed sound, at least. It was nice to know that it was normal to be nervous. So many people seemed to make it look so easy, so to know that the first time was always a little awkward no matter who you were was comforting. “I didn’t know everyone felt that way. I thought it was just me.” Granted, she felt like she had more to worry about than, say, Kitrana would, but Dr. Neville had already told her not to worry about it.

She nodded in understanding, though she couldn’t help the thoughts of the trip to the pet store with Koty, and the subsequent hand holding involved. It might have started as Koty wanting to see how her power worked, but it had ended… without any reason other than it was nice. Koty didn’t seem like a person to push her into anything, for which she was grateful. She didn’t think she’d be ready for that anytime soon. “I understand.” This was making her feel a lot better, and the advice she was getting was probably a lot nicer than the advice she’d get from Kitrana. She loved her best friend, of course she did. But she could be… brash about things. Especially when the subjects were anything along the lines of dating, sex, or relationships. This was much better. “I think I feel better about it now.” She offered a little smile to him. “Thank you, so much.”