Quiet (Tess)

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The sky was clear, and the temperature was enough that Sean was drawn outside. The institute wasn’t so large that he couldn’t be found if he was needed, and otherwise, he felt that he was entitled to some fresh air and a change of scenery. He liked his office; he’d decorated it himself, after all, but sometimes it could be a bit confining.

He’d settled in the court yard, because he could, although once he sat down in the grass with his back propped against a tree, he realized he wouldn’t get up in the near future. His knees had protested on the way down; he wouldn’t reverse the process until he was ready to go inside.

He’s brought with him two newspapers: the local paper for the area, and a copy of the New York Times; the former was delivered to his home every day, but he lived far outside the circulation range of the latter, so he had to pay newsstand prices for it, and pick it up on the way to or from work every day. He had an online subscription, but that wasn’t the same; he liked holding the paper in his hand and being able to read it anywhere he wished. He hadn’t lived in New York for over some two decades at this point in life, but he still found the Times to be the best paper in the country – although their “all the news that’s fit to print” motto was a bit pretentious – and he preferred it to any New England paper that was closer. He read the local paper to stay informed of the town and state around them, for peace of mind, and to remind himself that, yes, he lived in Vermont.

For the moment, he had the World News section open in his lap, the other sections on the grass beside him, and he scanned the paper for anything that indicated the world was either on the verge of war, or preparing for peace. And, as always, news of how meta-humans were treated in other nations. His jacket was folded beside him, although he kept his tie on, and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows.

[Tess Holmes]

Sure the day was sunny enough to male even the most morose emo kid smile.  It was still cool out but the sun made up for it.  And if there was a time that Tess needed to get outside, it was today.  It had been the second time that Tess had lugged her guitar from the dorm, all around through ther classes and training sessions and it was the second time that the after class jam session had been canceled.  She had kind of looking forward to this one.  She had been needing it to get her mind off some stuff that was starting to make her head hurt.  

But luck had turned rotten and now she was stuck with a guitar on her back and no one to play with.  With a nasty headache brimming on the edges of her brain, Tess just needed some air.  It wasn't just because of that though.  She felt frustrated more about other things than just some stupid practice.  The one person she could talk openly to was making her stomach turn somersaults and Tess was finding herself starting to go out of her way to avoid her dearest friend.  It was killing her but for as confindent as she was, Tess just couldn't find the right words around her.  Tess's head was getting too full and she had no one to let it out to.

She squinted at the sun as she walked the stonepath and soon split off into the grass.  One hand on the shoulder strap of her guitar case, the other in her jean pocket, Tess scanned the grounds and noticed the Doc sitting under a tree.  She had seen him around and sat through a session or two with him.  She hadn't opened up to him like some students had.  They all seemed to have liked him and said that he had some decent things to say.  Tess had bristled though.  Purposefully quiet, not rude, but not interested in sharing her deep little secrets. 

Today though, god, she just needed someone to talk to.  She had stopped walking, biting her lip in trying to decide on if she should bother him or not.  Well she could just ask.  The worst he could do was say no, so what was the big deal?  

Walking over and stopping just in front of where his long legs ended, Tess cleared her throat.

"Doc, I know we're not, not in the office, um," Tess said, looking to him for a moment and then over to the side like something interesting was going on, even though there wasn't.  She didn't like talking to grown ups.  They tended to let her down.

  "I was wanting to know if I could," she sighed, annoyed with herself that she was having so much trouble.  "if I could talk to you about some stuff," she said with a roll of her eyes.  She was just waiting now for him to tell her to bugger off.  Tess wouldn't have wasted her time with herself at this point.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

As if to prove Sean’s point that he could be found if anyone needed him, young Tess Holmes approached and called his name – or one of the nicknames students had for him. They’d spoken before, as he had with most – though not all – of the students at one time or another, and she’d been quiet, giving off the impression that she wasn’t there to ask for his help or to open up and reveal her deepest, darkest secrets. Sean blamed movies and particularly The Sopranos for making people think that to talk to a psychiatrist meant the end of your privacy. He’d been ecstatic when that show had finally ended.

Today, though, for whatever reason, she was calling on him. He looked up to take a quick assessment of her: she appeared the way she usually did – dressed in black, comfortable clothing. What was the term the children used these days? Emo? Goth? He had difficulty keeping the two separated, because they mostly overlapped in his mind. At the end of the day, he supposed that it didn’t matter, since he wasn’t trying to break into the music scene.

He folded up his newspaper section and set it down atop the pile of other paper beside him, and he greeted her with a warm smile. On one side, was his jacket, on the other was the papers, and he moved his jacket to lie in the pile, making more room for her to sit down and join him. “By all means.”

As long as he was at the institute, he was on call, even out of his office. And sometimes those hours extended to after he left the campus; he remembered vividly one time recently that he’d had to conduct a session over the telephone, after being woken in the middle of the night. Adolescence wasn’t easy, and special abilities only compounded matters. He could honestly say that he didn’t miss being a teenager. “What’s on your mind?”

[Tess Holmes]

Tess bit on her lip again before sitting down on the grass and not with out a quick glance over her shoulder.  Shrugging off her guitar bag and her black hoodie along with it, she tugged at the sleeve of her red shirt.  Old habit, but she was a creature of many.  As was sitting Indian style.  She rested her elbows on her knees, fingers laced with each other.  

"My dad used to read that," Tess mused with a brief grin and an even quicker laugh as she brushed her bangs out of her eyes and looked up to Sean.  She needed to go and get them cut, she just hadn't had the time.  The comment about her dad stung a little and she wondered for a moment what it was he read these days.  She was pretty certain it wasn't the Times.

She smiled at Sean again, still not sure how to start.  "I had a decent training session today." she said, still dancing around what she needed to talk about.  "No headaches or anything," she added with shoulder shrug and another spotty laugh.  She cleared her throat again and suddenly looked over her shoulder as a girl laughed.  It had sounded like her, but Tess shook her head when she saw that it wasn't.  This was stupid.

"I don't like talking much." Tess said, her eyes looking to Sean and then darting away to the patch of grass beside him.  "it just feels like, like I'm just pushing my problems on to someone else and say, here you deal with it, um, but thing is, my person that I talk to.  I talk to her about everything, but for about a year now, there's one thing I can't talk to her about and it's," Tess sighed, running a hand up through her hair and then finally looking back to Sean.  "it's not gone away and I think it's starting to affect my ability." 

She felt incredibly strange talking like she was and even this wasn't being all that open.  She was sure it showed.  The off stammer and hastiness she tried to get out her thoughts, that wasn't even mentioning the way she danced her way around certain words.
  

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Generally, with a comment about someone’s family member sharing a habit with Sean, he would reply with a polity “Really?” or “Is that so?” It left an opening for the person speaking to him to continue on the subject and bring up any associations they might have. However, Sean was aware of what had happened to her father: that the man was in prison on white collar corruption charges. That wasn’t a topic which leant itself to happy reminiscence, and he wouldn’t press her about it, particularly since he was sure that wasn’t why she’d come to talk to him. Instead, he replied humorously, “You can take a man out of New York, but you can’t take New York out of the man.”

Then he let her talk. As usually happened, there began a dance around the actual issue, instead focusing on small talk or relatively trivial matters. Sean would never classify good training sessions as completely trivial, considering how few of them he’d had in the beginning, but they were trivial when the deeper issue went unmentioned. But he’d help her along and wait for her to open up at her own pace. “Good, those headaches can be a bear.” That was an understatement; he still suffered them occasionally, and in those moments what he wouldn’t do for a sedative or a high-level painkiller. He added, “You know, I’ve always liked telekinesis; it’s such an interesting power. But I don’t want to bore you with ‘when I was a student here’ stories.”

He’d gathered from their previous interactions, and from her current behavior of nervousness and beating around the bush that she wasn’t much of a talker; not everyone was. But he smiled softly to reassure her, now that she was reaching the crux of the matter.

She had a best friend she couldn’t talk to about one problem that was distracting her and her power...Oh. Oh!

Crushes on a best friend; where had he seen that before? Perhaps Sean was uniquely skilled to give advice in this area, although he couldn’t say that he had the healthiest background regarding such relationships. But he did sympathize, oh, how he sympathized. “It’s perfectly normal, you know,” he began with the reassurance that he had needed and never received at that age. It was standard now, but he wanted to get it across. “Our best friends know us inside and out, and that feelings should turn more intense is almost a given.”

[Tess Holmes]

Tess laughed, nearly shirking her initial awkwardness entirely. Intense? Yeah, she would have liked for it to get intense instead of just angsty. God, she hated that word. It was true though and while she liked to avoid falling into caveats of being a teen, all the bullshit drama and clicks of people, she was knee deep in it know. She could have smacked herself in frustration with it.

"I'm not," she sighed again with a roll of her eyes. "You wouldn't know it now, but I usually don't have so much trouble getting what I'm thinking out. It usually just, just falls out of my mouth before I can catch it," she said, a hand playing with the blades of grass in front of her.

"I can't lose her, you know," Tess said, having bitten her lips before looking up to Sean. "Like as a friend. She's more important than some stupid crush." Tess added with a shrug of her shoulder. "But I can't, I don't have," She looked away from his sharp eyes, shaking her head, annoyed that her words failed yet again as her other hand played with her bangs before shoving them back behind an ear again.

"I'm worse around her now than I am trying to talk to you, Doc. And it's never been that way," Tess said, finally as though it took more effort than she would have.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“This might seem like an obvious question, but do you know if she likes girls?” In the scheme of things, Sean supposed, he had it easy. He knew when someone had feelings for him. It introduced a new level of uncomfortable when he didn’t reciprocate feelings, but if nothing else, he was good at pretending. Everyone else had to go through it in stages. Firstly, if the person was capable of loving your gender romantically, and then, if that hurdle was cleared, if the person could love you in such a way,

“I’m sure that doesn’t help much, but figuring it out is a start. If she does, then there’s always hope.” Hope. Sean made his career on hope; he’d spent his life relying on hope. And if there was no hope in the situation, desires tended to eventually shrivel away, because nobody could retain their sanity wishing for the impossible. Truly, most human dilemma came from the unknown, and once a matter was settled either way, a certain peace came, even if the peace was tinged with disappointment or resentment.

“And it’s worse because you’re hiding something big – emotions, your sense of self, thoughts, hopes, dreams, the fear of rejection...” Of course it would be terrible for her, and contrasted with how open she was with her friend otherwise, it would be magnified exponentially. And of course she would fear losing her friend completely, not merely as a romantic prospect. Such a weight always sat heavily, and he wished he could say that got easier with age, but it would be a lie. “Losing her as a friend would be a knife through the heart, I’m sure.”

[Tess Holmes]

A smirk crawled it's way onto Tess's face at Sean's question about her. She did manage to keep a laugh to herself, but the drop in her self assured smirk was sudden. She had never stopped to think about that much before. Surely, surely she wouldn't have strung Tess along like she had. Right? That would have just been cruel and there was no way she could be that icy. Tess felt her heart quicken a great deal more than she wanted to admit to. Oh, rubbish, she thought to herself. It was a stupid question. And she would keep telling herself that, popping her smirk back onto her face.

"'Course she does. It wouldn't be a problem if she didn't," Tess said, not looking at Sean and going back to fiddling with the grass next to her leg.

Tess shrugged and maybe twitched a bit at the word 'hope'. She had pretty much decided that hope was something that belonged in Disney movies to little ragamuffins with doe-y eyes. Hope wasn't something that really registered all that much with Tess. Though, if that was all a person was clinging to, Tess wasn't going to cut it away from them.

"Hope isn't what I'm worr-" she started and then he filled in the rest of the blank for her.

“And it’s worse because you’re hiding something big – emotions, your sense of self, thoughts, hopes, dreams, the fear of rejection...Losing her as a friend would be a knife through the heart, I’m sure.”

She had been stopped mid-sentence and could only listen to what Sean was saying. Her eyes managed to hold his as she felt her stomach sink all the way down to her toes. That was it. Hitting the nail on the head with more force and accuracy than Tess had wanted him to. It was like it had already happened.

She had seen this scene play out countless times in her head already. Insomnia kind of 'helped' in that little arena. Stuck at night, staring at the ceiling, Tess had gotten to watch that play and there was no getting out of it. No fast forward or even 'eject' for her.

Tess managed a restrained bit of a grin and a sigh as she nodded. Tilting her head, she looked up at Sean. Her walls weren't dropped, but they had gotten chipped away at considerably.

"Yeah it would, Doc. We've been friends since I was twelve. She's like, it, you know?" Tess said, popping her knuckles with a thumb. "I've seen myself tell her and she just...she just laughs. She always thinks I'm joking and then when I convince her that I'm not," Tess bit in her lip and looked away again. "I can't...I can't make these daydreams," she said with a laugh and roll of her eyes, they were far from 'dreams' more like day terrors.

"I can't make them stop and they've never turned out all happy and Disneyfied. I can't even talk to her about my day anymore without feeling like I'm lying. And then when I try and actually tell her? Forget it, it just just, I get all all," Tess gave an aggravated sigh and flopped back into the grass, her hands covering over her face. She laughed at herself before turning her head over to look at Sean. "I get worse than that."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

It wouldn’t be a problem forever if she didn’t, Sean had to agree, because eventually Tess would be able to sigh “c’est la vie” and move on. Both the best and worst of possibilities involved her friend having bisexual inclinations – if not outright homosexual ones. That made it possible, and there was nothing more exhilarating and nerve-racking than that possibility, particularly at this age. And that first hurdle was cleared, because apparently her friend did have the potential to love another girl, and so the funnel effect took over.

He rested one hand on his right knee and met her eyes when she looked up at him. He did know; he knew what she was experiencing, how it felt, and he also knew that there was that element of urgency and hopelessness that came from being seventeen instead of thirty-seven. Or fifty-two, although that was an aside. “I know. Your mind can be your own worst enemy that way, because it knows all of your vulnerabilities.” He himself had suffered such guilt-laden nightmares at her age, which was perhaps why he suffered insomnia to this very day.

“Trust me, Tess, I understand.” Idly, he rubbed his kneecap with his thumb. He was thoughtful for a moment, and then said, “When I was about your age, I had the same problem. Or a similar one.”

[Tess Holmes]

She zoned back in when Sean mentioned having a similar problem back when he had been a kid. Rolling onto her side and propping her head up on her hand, Tess looked up at him. She tugged the bottom of her shirt, she was always self conscious about it. "And what did you do about it?" Tess asked, not sure just how much of an answer she wanted. "How did you, how did you manage get the words out?"

That was Tess's biggest problem. Actually getting her thoughts out to the one person that seemed to already know all of them even before Tess did. In a way, Tess wondered if she already knew how Tess thought of her had changed since last year. It was kind of terrifying to think of and she tried to not think about that too much.

"I feel so stupid talking about this stuff, Doc. I feel stupid talking about most things actually," Tess added with a laugh as she rolled back into sitting up. "You know, I shouldn't waste time just talking about it. If I had any sort of a backbone, I just walk right up to her and kiss her. This dancing around is such bullshit and I can't stand that I'm doing it around her," Tess said, brushing her bangs out of her eyes.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean thought briefly about how that initial conversation had played out, of how they’d sat in his room playing cards and discussing just how it was that America could recover itself after the Vietnam quagmire and whether Richard Nixon would go down as the worst president in the history of America, and pondering if they could miss class on Friday for an Eagles concert. The drinking age had been eighteen back then, and they’d had a couple of beers between them. He’d known for a while, that Joshua had reciprocated the feelings that had kept Sean awake at nights. He could see it in his friend’s mind whenever they were together, and after prayer and heavy contemplation, he had thrown caution to the wind. At least as much as he was ever willing to do, although that was admittedly more toned down than the average person. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you, he’d said. And I’m about to make a fool of myself. He had, in fact. But he didn’t regret it.

“I got the words out because I couldn’t keep them in any longer. It reached the point where I had to cut him off or speak my mind, and I wasn’t willing to cut him off.” Of course, he had his abilities to provide the secure knowledge that he wouldn’t fall quite flat on his face, even if he was refused. It would have been for practical reasons, not because he wasn’t good enough. Not then, at any rate. “But my situation was a little different; I had a safety net.” For emphasis, Sean tapped his temple lightly with his left index finger.

“And you shouldn’t feel stupid, Tess; this type of problem usually takes time to work through.” That might be the understatement of the week, but there was only so much someone could say to a teenager about the validity of her feelings.

“I wouldn’t recommend walking up and kissing her without warning, unless you could shrug it off later – it’s Christmas and you were under mistletoe, that sort of thing. Otherwise, it makes the matter far too messy.” Truly, although it might be admirable in its boldness, one shouldn’t ever take such action without sufficient cover.

[Tess Holmes]

Tess smirked at his finger tap. Yeah, it would be nice to have that little power. She could move stuff, big deal. She would kill for his kind of safety net. She just had to put it out eventually and hope she didn't lose her best friend. There was that word again...hope. She hated that word. It was an unfair word full of unfair dreams and desires. She didn't like it.

"I can't cut her off. It'd kill me and you'd be stuck with me in your office all day." Tess joked, a grin reappearing on her face. She had warmed considerably to Sean since sitting down on the grass in front of him. And while he was nice to talk to, she still wasn't about to gush everything to him.

Laughing broadly for the first time since sitting down, Tess leaned back on her arms, shaking her head. She knew he was right, it didn't mean she still wasn't thinking about doing it at some point. Tess grinned a little sheepishly. She rarely thought about things before doing them. The kiss plan had been stirring around in her head for a day or so. Sean's shooting down of the idea, explaining how messy it could get was obvious and Tess knew it. She still had to think it may work.

"Know any early Christmas parties coming up?" Tess joked easily, running an hand through her hair. "Kidding," Tess added. "I'm just afraid I'm going to go insane before I'm able to tell her."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“In that case, it’s a matter of practicing and finding the right moment. Instead of running through scenarios in your mind, write something down. Practice saying it when she’s not around. Don’t think about how she’ll react, because that will make you falter.” This was practical advice, and although it would involve great repetition, she could be better off for it. “If you’d like, I could look over what you wrote, if it wouldn’t be too personal.” He was happy to do that for her.

“And I’m sure you wouldn’t find yourself in my office all the time, but if you did, I’ll be sure to start keeping candy or cookies. Something to make it worth your while.” He said that with a light smile, gentle, reassuring.

“I wish I did. Although I suppose if we could get some sort of masquerade ball, you could always say you were just in character, if things go south.” It might sound like a ridiculous option, but it was similar to the mistletoe out, and more likely to occur than someone celebrating Christmas this early. In fact, Sean might suggest one for the next school event; the students and faculty alike deserved some sort of break, and this would provide sufficient cover. He tilted his head slightly, as he tended to when particularly thoughtful. “Make yourself a goal to get the ball rolling; the sense that you’ve started should keep your loss of sanity at bay.”

[Tess Holmes]

“If you’d like, I could look over what you wrote, if it wouldn’t be too personal.”

"Yeah, maybe..." Tess said. It sounded real enough but whether it was or not, even Tess couldn't be sure.

Tess smiled but her walls thickened again when he mentioned looking over her writing. It sounded like a good idea and all that, but she didn't like the idea of someone just being able to pick and read her thoughts. Yeah, she had a journal, not that she told anyone that. And she kept that thing protected more than gold. Handing stuff like that over to anyone was a daunting, terrifying idea. Tess didn't like to be called a coward by anyone, she couldn't even stomach herself as being one, even slightly. Maybe she would have to let him see what she wrote just to justify that she wasn't a coward.

A masque, huh? And then just blame on the character? Tess was used to things being like that. Hide behind some other persona to keep from getting hurt. She did that all the time and she had grown to hate it. Especially when it was with the only person she didn't have to wear a mask around. The idea of stealing a kiss that meant something to her that way, Tess didn't like it. The crinkle in her brow said as much.

"I'll think about that." Tess said, pulling herself up from the ground. She tossed her hoodie over her arm and the guitar bag back over her shoulder. She still wasn't sure what to do, but it had felt better than she thought it would to talk. Sean was a better listener than she would have guessed. He had been, well, real, she supposed. Tess could spot a phony a mile away and it was nice that she had gotten lucky enough to run across Sean.

"Leave that office door open. And I like chocolate chip, though, I s'pose you already knew that," Tess said with a tilt of her head, her overly confident grin on her face. The walls were back up and Tess was already slipping herself back into her usual form. Already she was several shades different from the girl that had been laying in the grass. "See you around, Doc," Tess said, the smile in her eyes seeming to say 'thanks'.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“It’s just an offer to fall back on, nothing you need to seriously consider unless you want it,” Sean assured her. He wouldn’t ever demand that someone rehearse such an intimate scenario with him. At her age, in a comparable scenario he would have been – and had been – mortified and stressed enough as it was. The thought of sharing could be paralyzing at worst and nauseating at best.

Sean was not saying that she had to blame the action on the character; he only suggested it to provide her with an out for what was a drastic course of action to begin with. Truly, he didn’t think that problems were solved – romantic feelings, sexual tension or otherwise – by simply grabbing the other person and kissing them without warning. One had best have an out in that scenario, otherwise fighting, harsh words, or a police report could follow. Hopefully not, since they were teenagers and teenagers were impulsive, but at the same time, teenagers were hypersensitive emotionally.

“I’ll be sure to stock some chocolate chip, and my door is always open,” Sean replied, returning her smile. Her personality had shifted: becoming more assertive, easier, hiding the lack of confidence and the nervousness displayed only a moment ago. Well, everyone had her masks to get through the day. “You take care of yourself, Tess. And please, let me know how it goes.” His expression was sincere; he wanted to know, and he was glad to help. More than that, he hoped it worked out for her, since there was precious little love to go around in this world.