Visions and Revisions

[Cobalt Weaver]

I would like to point out that I'm only doing this because Leila forwarded them to me. Thanks a lot.

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
Um. Closed, I think. I don’t really pay much mind.

2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
Not usually. But if it’s half empty, I’ll go ahead, since they’ll throw it out anyways

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
I don’t really know. I guess it depends on if the bed is made when I go to sleep.

4. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
Nope.

5. Do you like to use post-it notes?
Yes. Though lately, I’ve just been using them to bother Leila.

6. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
No. If I cut out coupons, I’m going to use them.

7. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
I’d rather not be attacked by anything, thanks.

8. Do you have freckles?
On my shoulders

9. Do you always smile for pictures?
Not usually.

10. What is your biggest pet peeve?
Should I list them chronologically, or alphabetically? Look, if people leave me be, then I have no problems.

11. Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
No. I’ve never had any need for it.

12. Have you ever peed in the woods?

13. What about pooped in the woods?

14. Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
I don’t dance even when there’s music playing.

15. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Sometimes. Not regularly though.

16. How many people have you slept with this week?
None. What kind of survey is this?

17. What size is your bed?
Ummmm I don’t know. It’s…smallish. I’m not a very large person, and I rarely use it.

18. What is your Song of the week?
I dunno. I don’t listen to music much and when I do, I don’t know what I’m listening to, usually.

19. Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
Sure. I don’t see why not.

20. Do you still watch cartoons?
No. I got bored of cartoons when I was fairly young. I’d still watch them because Danny liked them.

21. Whats your least favorite movie?
I don’t watch movies.

22. Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
….No.

23. What do you drink with dinner?
Water, usually. Or soda.

24. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
Ranch dressing, usually.

25. What is your favorite food?
I’m really fond of lo mein. Chinese food in general

26. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
…I still don’t watch movies.

27. Last person you kissed/kissed you?
Ben. >.>

28. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
No.

29. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
…NO. Leila, what the hell?

30. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
I don’t recall. I have the depressing feeling that the last time I wrote someone a letter was when I was in college.

31. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yes, but I’d rather not.

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
No, fortunately.

33. Ran out of gas?
Yeah. That was a disaster and not my fault. Thanks a lot, Sam.

34. Favorite kind of sandwich?
I don’t know. I just like sandwiches.

35 Best thing to eat for breakfast?
I never make it, but I do like waffles and bacon. I like the way it smells.

36. What is your usual bedtime?
I don’t really have a bedtime. Usually I just nap. I only sleep a cumulative amount of four hours a night, tops. Every so once in a while I sleep more than that, but it’s usually because I am emotionally drained, and I usually get nightmares then.

37. Are you lazy?
No, I am not.

38. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
I didn’t.

39. What is your Chinese astrological sign?
I have no idea.

40. How many languages can you speak?
English and Latin, and I can stumble my way through a little bit of Greek and a little more of ASL. But by no means am I fluent.

41. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Nope.

42..Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
I remember playing with Lincoln Logs when I was little. I doubt it really matters

43. Are you stubborn?
Yes, I am.

44. Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
I don’t know.

45. Ever watch soap operas?
Nope.

46. Afraid of heights?
No

47. Sing in the car?
Not at all. Me singing at all is usually a bad idea

48. Dance in the shower?
God no, I’d kill myself

49. Dance in the car?
That seems very dangerous.

50. Ever used a gun?
I have, actually. I own one. I’ve only had to actually fire it twice in my life.
51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
Uuuuuhhhh I have no idea. I don’t think I have.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
Usually. But then, they also can be very good, so it’s a hit or miss.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
Not really. I don’t do much.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
I haven’t. I don’t even know what that is.

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
Oh hell. Um. If they are pies made by Riley, then that is an unfair question. Store bought, I like cherry.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
A policeman.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
No.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
Sometimes.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
No. Although I probably should at this point.

60. Wear slippers?
No

61. Wear a bath robe?
I have one. I don’t usually wear it.

62. What do you wear to bed?
Sweats and a tee shirt.

63. First concert?
I’ve never been to a concert.

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
None. I have problems with Wal Mart’s labor practices. And I don’t think there’s a Target or Kmart around anyways.

65. Nike or Adidas?
I think I answered this before. I think my current shoes are Adidas. Although New Balance also is good about having shoes my size.

66.Cheetos Or Fritos?
I don’t really care.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
Eh. I’m not really partial to either

68. Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
I have not. And I’m not really interested to know.

69. Ever take dance lessons?
In college, yeah. They weren’t so bad.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
…I don’t really know, nor do I anticipate it being an issue.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
Yes

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
No, we didn’t have spelling bees at Hammel.

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
No.

74. Own any record albums?
Not anymore. I think Sam gave me one once. Don’t know where it went though.

75. Own a record player?
No, hence the silliness of Sam’s gift.

76. Regularly burn incense?
No, it gives me a headache.

77. Ever been in love?
Yes.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
I don’t know.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
I haven’t been to a concert

80.Hot tea or cold tea?
Either.

81.Tea or coffee?
Coffee

82. Sugar or snickerdoodles?
I have no preference. Both are tasty and I will eat them if given the chance

83.Can you swim well?
Not well at all. It’s a miracle I can swim.

84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
…Yes.

85. Are you patient?
No. Well. Sometimes. Mostly no.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
I don’t know. I’ve never been to a wedding, so I don’t know what’s best.

87.Ever won a contest?
Nope.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
No. And Leila, I can guess what smartass comments you might have. Knock it off.

89. Which are better black or green olives?
I don’t like olives.

90.Can you knit or crochet?
No.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
Living room, I think.

92. Do you want to get married?
I… ugh. Yeah. I would. But it’s kind of a sticky subject. On the one hand, I don’t want to get married if other people don’t also have that right, because I feel that such a limitation is intrinsically wrong. On the other hand, I am selfish, and want to be married because I wanted a family. However, what it ultimately comes down to is that I don’t think this is an issue for me personally, as I don’t think I will ever get married.

93. If married, how long have you been married?
I’m not married.

94. Who was your HS crush?
I didn’t have a crush on anyone in high school.

95. Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
No. And don’t believe what Leila says.

96. Do you have kids?
No.

97. Do you want kids?
Yes. But it’s a nonissue in a similar way that the marriage question is a nonissue

98. What’s your favorite color?
Purple.

99. Do you miss anyone right now?
No. …No, I don’t. That’s…new.

100. Did you watch Next Great American Band on FOX?
I don’t even know what that is.

[Cobalt Weaver]

"All of these lines across my face tell you the story of where I've been. So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am. But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to, it's true. And I was made for you."

-Brandi Carlile

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When people looked at Cobalt, most assumed—if they even thought about it at all—that he had a limited realm of experience when it came to love. Cobalt liked people to think this; it made it so much easier for him to be dismissive and to allow people to draw their own conclusions about his bad attitude and leave him be. As it was, they were almost right: Cobalt had a limited realm of experience when it came to intimacy perhaps, but it wasn’t as though he didn’t have any notion of love.

His first kiss was younger than most, actually. He was eleven and desperate and Danny was the one person in the world he couldn’t bear to leave. Looking back, he probably fell in love with Danny when he was ten and a half and they were teetering on the edge of their time together without even knowing it.

Back then, visitation days stressed Cobalt out. Eventually, they would stop using them, and opt for the prospective parents to look over paperwork before talking to anyone. But back then, the adults would come over and look at everyone and talk to everyone and then a week or so later, someone would be gone. And that someone was never, ever Cobalt. For days after, he would analyze over and over again what he must have done wrong, and stacked up all his faults and flaws and problems until they were overwhelming.

The day Cobalt fell in love with Danny was the day Danny found him under his bed, trembling and gasping and trying to remember how to breathe and trying very hard not to cry. Because that was very important. Nobody would like a crybaby. Danny’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth to say something, but thought the better of it. Instead, his brows pinched behind the thick frames of his glasses and he quietly crawled under Cobalt’s bed too, scooting to lie next to him. Slowly, Danny reached down and took Cobalt’s hand, squeezing it once before letting go.

“Doesn’t matter anyways.” Danny said finally, shrugging as best he could when he was lying on his side, “I think you’re the best. And one day we’ll have big families and be together forever.”

Cobalt wasn’t sure he believed him then, but he allowed Danny to pull him out from under the bed and dust him off before tugging on his hand and leading him down the stairs.

The next week, neither Cobalt nor Danny disappeared with a family. But in six months, Cobalt would disappear forever anyways.

-------

Cobalt didn’t think she understood, when she let him babysit her son. She was trusting him with everything, and she barely even knew him. The weight of her trust and a little boy’s love would have been crushing if it weren’t also freeing. Now he could think Danny’s name without feeling as though he was going to fall apart at the seams.

“So, are you going to the fall dance?” She asked him once, out of the blue, when he was playing with Morgan.

Cobalt started, “What, are you kidding me? No.” He glanced at her, “Why? Are you?”

Elaine looked down at Morgan, who was babbling happily on the floor. “…No. My friends already went shopping for their dresses. They promised they’d tell me, but…” She shrugged, “It doesn’t matter.” She looked up at him with slightly teary eyes and smiled, “Anyways, you should go! One of us should, and I won’t need you for babysitting.”

Cobalt looked at her, head tilted to the side, considering.

That night, the two teenagers made a fort in the living room with the help of a two-year-old, made cookies and watched Disney cartoons. On impulse, Cobalt leaned over and kissed Elaine on the cheek. She looked surprised.

“What’d you do that for?” She asked, not angry at all.

Cobalt glanced down, awkward but not as embarrassed as he thought he would be, “…I dunno. I just wanted you to know.”

Elaine looked at him for a moment before nodding with a smile, “Thanks. You too.”

-------

Natasha had the fiercest smile Cobalt had ever seen. And her black hair was always in braids, pulled back in some brightly colored kerchief and she had freckles on her nose, barely visible against her dark skin. But Cobalt would never have noticed her if she hadn’t accompanied Rosie to the bar to meet Sam the one time his roommate dragged him there, stuck out her hand and said, “You look like you could use a drink.”

She laughed loudly when Cobalt said he didn’t drink, and looked surprised and touched when he expressed no surprise at being an engineer. Cobalt knew studying to be an engineer as a woman—an African American woman even—was one of the most impossible things you could choose to do, but he certainly wasn’t going to say anything to her. Natasha seemed like the type of person who could handle anyone. Cobalt liked that.

She kissed him goodbye several nights after they met, and Cobalt was blindingly aware that this was the first kiss he’d ever had that wasn’t fueled by desperation and pain and confusion. Perhaps that was why he didn’t feel like he was going to drown under a terrifying avalanche of feelings. In the absence of anything else, Cobalt just felt a little sad, but he tucked a curl back behind her ear and smiled. He could try for her.

In true Natasha fashion, she seemed to understand long before he did.
-------

Cobalt didn’t like feeling out of his depth. Or at a loss for words, or any other awful things that seem to happen when you’re attracted to someone. So for a long while, Cobalt stayed as far away from Logan Tylers as he could. Logan Tylers wasbeautiful, with coarse, curly black hair and pale skin and large, solemn grey eyes. His eyes were what Cobalt always noticed first, and they always had the dangerous ability to stop him in his tracks. Logan Tylers was clearly not to be trusted, and it would be best to stay away from him for the rest of the semester.

But somehow, after class, Cobalt found himself face to face with Logan Tylers, who shifted from one foot to the other and asked something about going out for coffee. Somehow, against his better judgment, Cobalt found himself saying “yes.”

Coffee dates turned over time into actual dates and suddenly, Logan was tugging on his hand and saying words like “come over tonight.”

Cobalt balked, “I—I don’t think so. I don’t—I can’t.”

Logan grinned, almost impish, and his grey eyes crinkled distractingly, “Yes you can. It’s no big deal, I promise. There’s nothing to worry about.”

One thing led to another led to another, and the only thing keeping Cobalt from flinging himself off the edge of panic was Logan’s grey eyes, shining with confidence and triumph. And as they both tumbled down, Cobalt couldn’t help but feel a little sad, the same way he felt when he kissed Natasha. He closed his eyes tight and listened to his heart pound and hope he would end up okay on the other side.

-

“I think we should break up.” The words were as foreign in Cobalt’s mouth as the sight of hurt on Logan’s face.

“What? Why?”

Cobalt paused. How could he even start to explain this? How could he articulate nightmares about being crushed under rocks and tremors during the day and how he was feeling more empty and cut adrift with Logan than without him. That there was a hole in his chest somewhere, and he didn’t quite know how to fill it, but he knew that it wouldn’t be with Logan. “…I—I just think...we work better apart.”

Logan’s grey eyes darkened and his face flushed. “…Fine. Thanks for everything,” He spat, bowing his head so Cobalt wouldn’t see the sparkle of embarrassed tears. Cobalt turned his head so he could pretend he didn’t see them. He stared at the floor as Logan turned to leave.

“You know what?” Cobalt looked up as Logan turned back, anger and pain written all over his face, “You’re so full of anger and bullshit that there’s no room for anyone else in there. You’re all stopped up, and it’s exhausting, just being near you. And if you don’t get an adjustment right the hell now, you’re going to end up alone forever.”

Cobalt’s shoulders drooped and he stared back at the floor. “I know,” He murmured, “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.”

Logan’s hurt and anger cut Cobalt’s heart, and he crossed his arms over his chest protectively. He stood there long after Logan left, his shoulders hunched over. Finally, he forced himself to move to his dorm room and slouch on his bed. Eventually, he reached under his bed and pulled out a box. He scanned through several letters written in childish hand. Cobalt sighed heavily and put his head in his hands.

“…Cobalt?”

Cobalt looked up, eyes dull, “Hey Sam.”

“Are—are you okay?”

“Nothing feels right anymore.” He said finally, pushing himself off the bed, “I’m going for a walk.”

“But…but it’s in the evening. Where are you going?”

Cobalt shut the door behind him.

[Cobalt Weaver]

“Stupidity has a knack of getting its way.”

- Albert Camus
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October 1986[/i]

Cobalt sat, staring sulkily at his untouched soda. Sam was meeting him here in fifteen minutes or he wouldn’t even be here. He hated bars. His surly attitude wasn’t helped when, despite the stupid counter being almost completely empty, a tall, aggravated looking man with floppy brown hair sat himself in the stool right next to him.

Cobalt leveled at cold glare at him, recognizing his classmate. “D’you mind sitting somewhere else, Anderson? I know you can’t get enough of me in poly sci, but I really just hate looking at you.”

Paul Anderson started; he clearly didn’t notice Cobalt when he sat down or he probably wouldn’t have sat where he did. Regardless, Cobalt and Paul didn’t get along, and both seemed ready for a fight. “Look Weaver,” Paul sighed, rolling his eyes, “I’m only talking to you because I promised Sarah I would be nicer to you or something. For some reason she likes your scrawny ass.”

Cobalt scoffed, “You and Sarah, huh?” Sarah was a friend of Rose’s. He liked her. “I’ll give that a week.”

Paul sneered at him, “Right. Well, I’d tell you to watch yourself around her, but you’re such a queer, I don’t even have to worry about it.”

With a snarl, Cobalt was out of his chair, and wrenched Paul’s arm behind his back and slammed his face into the counter. The leverage was a little tricky since Cobalt was short, but the surprise of the action froze everyone in place. “Get the hell out of my face,” Cobalt growled dangerously, shadows coiling around his shoulders.

Recovering from the shock, Paul used his weight to push Cobalt away. He turned, his gaze furious. “What the fuck,” Paul spat, his voice an enraged growl, “You stupid little punk, I’ve had just about enough of your shit.” Paul swung wildly and the blow clipped Cobalt in the brow, knocking him into an empty table, his ears ringing. He shook his head, fixing Paul with a feral grin, “Fair enough.”

Paul was almost twice Cobalt’s height and equipped with an agility fostered by years of sports. But Paul had clearly never been in a real fistfight before, and was furious, making his swings sloppy and ill timed. Cobalt was able to redirect blows meant for his head to his shoulders or arms relatively easy. The problem was, Paul wasn’t slowing down, and Cobalt was starting to feel cornered. One well-placed blow to his cheek sent Cobalt crashing to the ground.

“Okay. Time to go,” Cobalt muttered, twisting to his feet. He snapped an arm forward and shot a good handful of shadow at Paul’s face. It passed through him, momentarily blinding the angry young man. Cobalt took two steps and punched Paul in the face. Hard. Paul dropped to the floor bonelessly.

There was a moment of silence while Cobalt leaned against a chair, shaking the sweat out of his eyes and blood off his face. He took off his bent (but fortunately not broken) glasses.

“For the love of Christ…” The bartender sighed, “Cobalt, get out of here. And tell Sam you’re banned from here, okay?”

Cobalt nodded, his head aching a little, “Yes sir. Sorry about the mess.”

---

Not two minutes later, Sam parked his car at the curb only to find Cobalt sitting on the sidewalk, looking a little the worse for wear. He stared down at Cobalt, who looked up at him.

“Hey.”

“For the love of God, Cobalt—”

“Hey, before you say anything, I did not start this one.”

“Did you throw the first punch? Or the first kick, tackle or arm lock?”

“…Well, yeah, but—”

“Then you started it.”

“Sam—”

“I don’t wanna hear it. Let’s go get Taco Bell or something. Or are you banned from there too?”

“You are so dramatic.”

“Tell me you at least won.”

“’Course. I don’t lose unless I want to.”

“Thank you. I needed more disturbing in my life. I really did.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

[Cobalt Weaver]

January 1981

“What are you doing?”

Cobalt glared at the boy who was rifling through his things, the door to his room—which Cobalt meticulously locked every day before class—hanging ajar. The boy looked about as old as he was and the fourteen-year-old narrowed his eyes. The boy startled, turning to look at him under a mop of brown hair.

“You’re not supposed to be out of class for another half hour. Leastaways, that’s what I thought.”

“Class let out early. What are you doing in my room?” Cobalt crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. “Who are you?”

The boy shrugged. “Quinn. You have nothing good in here. Don’t your parents ever buy you shit?”

“Don’t have any parents.”

“Ah. That explains a lot.”

“…I’m telling security.”

Quinn held out his hands, pacifying, “Whoa, hey, don’t be such an asshole. I just needed some extra money.”

“Don’t your parents ever buy you shit.”

“Don’t got any either.” Quinn lifted his chin as though he was proud. “Grew up on the streets.”

Cobalt took a minute to reflect on how many orphans were attending Hammel. And how he felt like he was the only one who didn’t either grow up on the streets as a veritable Oliver Twist, or had a horrible time in awful situations in foster care. Cobalt didn’t have any problems with his old orphanage at all.

“Whatever. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t tell on you.”

Quinn looked frustrated. “You’re gonna snitch on me?”

“Hell yes I am. How did you even get here?”

Quinn heaved a sigh. “I picked the lock, okay?”

Cobalt looked intrigued. “You can do that? How?”

“How ‘bout,” Quinn said slowly, “I show you how to pick locks and you don’t tell on me.”

Cobalt narrowed his eyes. He didn’t know if he could trust this boy—and he supposed he really couldn’t since he was clearly willing to break into people’s rooms and steal their stuff—but at the same time, he was being presented with something that could come in handy later.

That and it sounded really cool.

“…Okay.” He said finally.

--

“No, you want to press down on the tumblr, not up. Up doesn’t do jack shit.”

“I’m trying, it’s sort of a small space!”

Cobalt squinted at the lock of his door, his brow furrowed in concentration as he worked the little bobby pin into the lock. A paper clip was already there, pressing down on something else. Quinn scoffed, “This is nothing. Try it with only one of the two.”

“Shut up.” Cobalt muttered, grinning triumphantly when the lock clicked and his door swung open. “…I did it.”

“Yeah.” Quinn sounded bored. “Congrats. All right, I’m out.”

“Oh.” Cobalt shifted from one foot to the other. “Okay.”

“What is it now?”

“Nothing,” Cobalt snapped. “Go away.”

“Fine, whatever.”

And Cobalt was once again alone, standing in the threshold of his door, holding the paper clip and bobby pin. Silently, he reached around the door to lock it, and shut the door again. Kneeling on the floor, his eyes intense in concentration, Cobalt began again.