Kimberly Carina Abernathy

The easy S T U F F . . .

Name: Kimberly Carina Abernathy
Nicknames: She typically introduces herself as Kimmy, and almost everyone calls her that. Occasionally Kim, but mostly Kimmy.
Age: Seventeen (January 11, 1996)
Orientation: Pansexual
In regard to gender, Kimmy is a bigender trans woman. This means that ze has two genders that ze experiences simultaneously: female and neutrois (a type of non-binary gender). Ze alternates between she/her/hers and ze/zir/zirs in reference to zirself.
She was assigned male at birth but has transitioned to an estrogen-based endocrine system and a female social role, and is generally happy being perceived as female by strangers and acquaintances. She is open about her gender if asked/there is otherwise occasion to do so, and she does expect closer friends to know and respect her gender, including at least occasional use of ze/zir/zirs pronouns.
If ze were to choose the broadest label for zir gender, ze would describe zirself as transfeminine non-binary.
Desired Rank/Job: New transfer student, junior year in high school
She’s a bit old for her grade because she had to take a year off from school for mental health reasons.
Powers: Empathy
Kimmy detects the emotions of others as ambient mental ‘noise’ unless ze chooses to focus in on something. Ze has grown extremely adept at reading these emotions, detecting the subtlest nuances in others’ feelings and experiencing them very vividly. Unfortunately, this causes a lot of issues for her. She is not very adept at controlling her power, which means she easily gets wrapped up in others’ emotional realities and has a hard time distinguishing her own emotions from others’. She is very easily brought down by others’ sorrow and pain. While not caused by her empathy, her OCD and anxiety often interact with it in toxic ways which can induce depression if left unchecked. Physical side effects include occasional head-splitting migraines.
Play By: Audrey Kitching

Let it F L O W . . .

[Trigger warning on 2012 entries (near the end) for self-harm]

This Journal Belongs To:
a lek jKimberly Carina Abernathy

January 11, 2003

Hello! You just picked up my journal. If you are me, then you know what to do: continue on! If you found it laying around somewhere, I do hope you'll return it to me, but if that's too much trouble, it's okay. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't read any further, since it's kind of private. Curiosity is natural, but I do hope you feel like you can talk to me if there's something you want to know about me! I'm friendly and love meeting new people, so it's no bother at all.

Anyways, I just got this journal as a birthday present from my parents. It's really pretty, and also really big. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fill the whole thing! I guess I'll start by talking a bit about myself? I just turned seven today, I live in Dublin with my mom and dad. We're better off than most, and I hope I can do something to change that someday - I don't like knowing that other people don't have the basics that I have. It's just not fair, y'know? My dad's name is William Abernathy and my mom's name is Anne Belle. My little sister is four years old, and her name is Sophie Belle. My mom's a little sick and so sometimes can't do a lot outside of bed, but all in all we have it pretty good. I help take care of Mom and Sophie when Dad's at work and I'm out of school, and we all love each other a lot. I love my family, and I love my friends. They're all awesome!

Oh, one thing that's really cool about my parents is that they're both meta. Dad can do things with fire, and Mom can put herself in other peoples' dreams! Isn't that awesome? It would be really cool if I ended up with a power too, but it's okay if I don't. Everyone has something only they can do, meta or not, and I'm sure I can find a way to help people even without a cool power.

Well, that's all I can think of to say for now. I guess that's good for a first entry, right?

~*~

March 1st, 2007

Oh my God you won't believe what just happened.

All throughout the day today, I've been talking to people, and when they say something about how they feel, I just... feel it too. Like, literally feel their happiness as if it were my own. I told Mom and Dad about this, and they think I'm manifesting a power! What did they say it was called... sympathy? Telepathy? Oh, empathy! I can read my friends' emotions, and I feel them myself! I know what everyone is feeling, and it's great! I always wanted to be able to help my friends through whatever, and now I can do that even better because I know what they're feeling, this is great! My friends tell me I've always been good at reading emotions, but now I can be even better!

Dad was saying that there's a school for metas in Europe, the same one he and Mom went to? It was called the Kocher haute école pour les surdoués, or Kocher high school for the gifted (I memorized it). There's also others around the world, but I'll be going to Kocher because I'm in Ireland. I can't wait I can'twaitIcan'twait!!!!!!


March 14th, 2007

This is gonna be short since I'm tired, but I wanna update on some things.

I got all settled in at Kocher, and it's great so far! I got my room assignment in the dorms, and my roommate is shy but nice. His name is Ben I think? Yeah, Ben. I also got assigned a trainer, so I get to start training soon! I really wanna strengthen my power, since I love being able to know what others are feeling and I want to get even better. I'm super excited for everything! My dad visit me every few days, and Mom visits when she can - they couldn't move closer because of Mom's health, and Kocher is too far for me to live at home. I'm a bit nervous, but I'm okay. I'm sure I'll make lots of new friends here soon!

~*~

December 19, 2007

This is going to be long, since I've been thinking about things for a long time.

My grades in school have been dropping for a while, and it's gotten worse recently. I'm just... not happy. I'm almost 12 now, and things are different from the way they used to be in a way that I don't like. Before now I was just a kid, but now it seems like everyone wants to think of me as a boy. Like, it matters more and more to everyone, and I really don't like that. It doesn't feel right, and... there's also my body. I'm really scared about the way it's changing, it's becoming harder to look in a mirror, and... It's been distracting me from things like homework, and Mom and Dad have become really worried, and I wanted to find out what the problem is. I really don't like the way this feels, and if I find out what the problem is I can put Mom and Dad at ease.

I knew someone once who was a trans man - he said he was born female but transitioned to male - and I've been looking up more about that recently. I'm thinking I might be a trans girl. I would be worried because I haven't 'always known' like all the trans girls on TV do, but lot of trans girls online have said similar things to what I'm feeling right now. I dunno, it's hard to say if that's exactly right, though. There's this thing that some of them said, that being a girl felt better than being a boy, but still not quite right... I think non-binary was the word they used? Or maybe transqueer? That seems to make sense.

I really hope that Mom and Dad aren't too attached to the idea of their son, though. I don't want to make them sad, but... I think this will make me happier, and they want to see me happy, right? I dunno. I'm home for the winter holidays right now, and I want to tell them soon. I'm really nervous, though. I don't want to make them sad.

You know what? The important thing is, I love them and they love me. We can work this out, I know it.


December 22, 2007

I talked to Mom and Dad about the gender thing a few days ago. They definitely didn't get it, and I felt that felt them feel okay, this is really hard to talk about... Let me try again...

There was a lot of confusion, and I guess mainly shock? Not exactly denial or anger, just a lot of surprise, and not wanting to change how they see me. They asked me a lot of questions and I tried to explain as best as I could, but it's still there... Mom talked to me yesterday, she said that she just wants me to be happy and if this makes me happy I should do it. It's still there, but I think she wants to move past it. Dad's still confused, he talked about how I could be a boy and still be feminine, but that's really not the point, I am feminine but gender is something different from how you dress... I think he wants the same thing that Mom does, just doesn't get it as much...

I don't know. I could write for forever, but that really wouldn't get at how it feels to feel their emotional response to my coming out. I... I wouldn't wish it on anyone, the anxiety about telling your parents who you really are, that you aren't the son or daughter they wanted you to be, and then to actually feel their shock and sadness. I feel so so bad for making them feel bad, but... it's the best thing to do, since this is how I want to live, right? And I want to share that with them, and of course they wouldn't want me to lie to them. It doesn't always make it easier to actually feel it, though.

I want to make everything as easy for Mom and Dad as I can, maybe I should send them some information? I guess I should tell Sophie at some point... she's only 8, but the earlier she knows the easier it will be, right? I don't know, I just want to make things as easy for my family as possible, I don't like feeling like a pain on others. I hate it so much, I just want to help people, I never wanted to make anyone feel bad...


January 3, 2008

I feel a bit better now, I talked to my parents and sent them some stuff. They agreed that I should do whatever I need to be happy, and if that means gender stuff then that's fine. Sophie was the sweetest little girl, she just said that I'm the same person either way and she'l be excited to have a sister. I... I definitely cried a little bit, Sophie is the best little sister in the world, I love her so much.

It's still going to be uncomfortable for a while to come home and feel their emotions, because they're still getting used to it, and there's some resistance, but overall I'm a lot better. Like I said before, we all love each other and we can get through this. Right now I'm just asking for female pronouns, I'll see how that feels, I might be comfortable with that... but I'm still non-binary, so maybe not. I'll see. For now, we're working on getting things sorted out with Kocher, figuring out dorms and legal name and everything. I'm a bit scared, but optimistic. It'll be okay :)


March 15, 2008

It's been a while since I made an entry, a lot has happened, good and bad...

The official side of things has been going pretty well, I'm in a single dorm in a co-ed hall right now. I'm also on track to get puberty blockers and estrogen, and I hope that comes really soon, I just... yeah, not talking about that right now. Oh, I decided on my name! Kimberly is one of the names that Mom and Dad were considering for me, and it's perfect because it's traditionally given to boys and girls but I think it's more feminine these days. Also it just feels right, and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to say why, it just does... Carina means beloved, and that's perfect because it's the people who love me that inspire me and keep me going in life. I love my family and friends so much, I would do anything for them, and caring for someone who cares for me is the greatest thing in the world. That makes me Kimberly Carina Abernathy. I really like it :)

I really like those things, but there's also other things that just make me so sad, and I don't know what to do about it. I love Empathy, I really do, but I wish I could turn it off sometimes. I've had to come out to the school this semester, and some people are okay, but for those who aren't... Why do people hate trans girls so much?! I can feel the hate and disgust that some people have just by looking at me, that has only existed since I came out. I didn't do anything to hurt anyone, did I? There's some people who bully me about it, but all I need to feel bad for the rest of the day is one hateful look and all the feelings that come with it. Boys and girls both do it, and I don't understand. I'm just being me, why is that so bad? It makes me so sad, and I don't know what to do about it :(

~*~

August 12, 2008

I wanted to make an entry to reflect on what has happened over the past year or so. I'm on blockers and estrogen right now, and my body is finally developing in a way that I like. I am so relieved, and so grateful that I had that opportunity. Despite all the bad things from the last eight months, I know I'm really fortunate - so many trans girls don't have that opportunity, or are even out on the street - and I try to always remember that, and to remember my goal of helping people feel better and get out of those lives.

I lost a few friends after coming out, and one thing I learned is that I can't be friends with everyone. Of course everyone is individual and special, but that doesn't mean I can always relate to them, even if I want to be everybody's friend... Some people hate me just to hate me, just because of who I am, and I can't let myself dwell on that too much. We just have to live our lives away from each other as much as possible. I think I can accept that, though it's a lot harder when the person used to be my friend :(

But positive things are happening too! My training is really taking off. I've been doing a lot of study on my own, since I really want to get a lot better at reading emotions and my trainer is moving just a bit too slow for me. I'm not strengthening the ability itself, just opening my mind and learning to work even better with with what's there. Also it makes him happy to see me excel, and I really love feeling other peoples' happiness, nothing is better :) He said that I've surpassed a lot of people in my grade, and though I don't really care about competition, it's great to know I'm advancing so fast!

Alright, I gotta pack. I'll be moving my stuff back to Kocher before too long!

~*~

October 2, 2010

Wow, I know I haven't made an entry in a while, but there's just been so much going on! I've really been loving everything lately, everything has been awesome, I love everyone, wheeeeeee :)

First of all, hormones! I've been watching how my body has been developing, and I do really love it. I'm sure I'll always be kind of tall and skinny for a girl (though I'm actually bigender, girl and neutrois), but everything's grown a lot softer and I have some curves now. My face is a lot softer now too, though I guess it'll always be kind of square, since that's just how it is. I really like how everything is developing now and don't think I'll need anything more in the future, though I guess that might change. I've just started, there's some things where I don't know how much they'll develop and I'll have to wait and see if I'm comfortable with it after I've been on estrogen for a bit longer... I really hope so, because dysphoria sucks... Anyways. People tell me I have intense eyes, though I think that might just be the makeup I use, hehe. And my hair is so thick now! I've been letting it grow out, I want it to be super long, and I'm thinking about dyeing it pink? That would be fun and dramatic. I'm also considering some tattoos at some point, though that's more in the future, but I have some ideas in mind. I love my stuffed unicorn Sam, and I love unicorns, maybe something like that?

Also, classes! To be honest I have broad interests, I like most of my classes right now - even math, although a lot of my friends don't like it. I don't know why math is so unpopular, it's actually kind of interesting. Is it the way it's taught, maybe? Anyways, tangent. In particular I've really been loving the classes I've been taking on fashion and sewing, and makeup in my spare time. I've learned that most 'style tips' are crap, and what really matters is what makes you feel good. I think I have a style pretty much down that I really like: a lot of lace and pastel in my clothes, soft but not exactly low-key. I love Peter Pan collars, anything pink, the color white, and choice use of black as an accent. I love making my own stuff, and I'm getting better at it. I'm way more dramatic with my makeup, especially around the eyes. It's not always an everyday thing, I have days where I go without, but I do really like it.

Another thing I've really been liking lately is singing, though that's kind of meh also. People tell me I have a really good singing voice, but it frustrates me because I can't do the soft stuff I really like listening to! I have a powerhouse voice, apparently. Bleh.

The other types of classes I really like are ones that talk about people, how they work and how they think - psych and sociology. Mom told me I would make a good counselor, and she might be right about that. I want to help people, and I can see that happening in counseling or fashion - just think, I could help people find makeup and clothes that make them feel amazing, or I could talk them through their problems and give them support. I don't know, I really like both things, it's hard to say.

One thing I can say is that I've been making lots of new friends lately! A lot of them are gay or bi or trans, but not all of them. I love all people, but it is nice to talk to other queer people who can understand that stuff better than most people. There's still some bullying, and that sucks... but I've found people I care about who care about me, and that's what matters, right?

My training has also been continuing awesomely! I can read so many emotions in such depth, it's amazing. My trainer cautioned me against going too far forward without learning more coping mechanisms, which I guess I should think about as I keep going with my training and self-study.


February 22, 2011

I dyed my hair pink!!! :D I really love it, I'm so glad I went ahead and did this. I talked to my parents about tattoos, and they said that if I considered something for a while and it had personal significance they would let me get it as long as I pay for it. I'm thinking of a unicorn on my right hip? I always loved unicorns, and I got Sam as a gift from Mom not too long after coming out, so to me it's kind of synonymous with me being myself despite the obstacles. Maaayyybe also a trans symbol on my left shoulder, though I'm less certain about that because it's not always going to be safe for me to out myself like that =/ I'll probably just do the unicorn, since that already has symbolism for my gender as well.

Something happened that made me really change my mind about singing. My friends really needed a lead singer in their rock band since their main singer was sick, and asked me to do it because they thought I would be good. I was doubtful, but they really needed it so I tried it. It... it was amazing, feeling the audience's feelings and their catharsis. I used to not like my powerhouse voice, but that kind of music - angsty as it is - definitely has value, it gives people an outlet for emotions that they're usually uncomfortable talking about. Feelings they shared with me that night. It was amazing, I might actually do more of this :)

Some of my friends have confided some pretty heavy stuff to me, and I've been trying to be there as much as possible. Obviously my friends mean the world to me, though I've been pretty fortunate myself so I really hope I'll actually be able to help them. I've been bullied, but I don't know that much about abuse the way they do. But they have nowhere else to go, so I'll be as supportive as I possibly can :)

~[Trigger warning for self-harm]~

September 30, 2011

I got my tattoo, the unicorn on my left hip :) It's mostly an outline, though the horn and hooves are filled in with pink. I love it, I can't stop looking at it.

More and more of my friends are telling me more and more, and it's clear that I'm one of the only sources of emotional support they have. Sometimes it's overwhelming, because I feel everything they feel, all of their pain and sorrow... But they have nowhere else to turn, right? I have to do this to help my friends, it's the only option...

February 13, 2012

I can't stop thinking about this. I feel everything and I don't know how to stop it, and even if I did I know I wouldn't. I have to share my friends' feelings or they'll have nowhere else to turn to, they'll hurt themselves or worse, they'll end up on the streets... I just don't know how to make it more bearable for myself, I can't stop thinking about this, every waking hour is filled with my friends and their emotions, how I can help them, how to keep awful things from happening to them... My grades have dropped, my parents and sister are worried, I just don't know what else to do...

Sometimes I get mad at my friends for burdening me with everything, knowing I feel every flinch they do. I know that's wrong, I'm sorry, that's a horrible thought, I'll never think it again...

(PAGES TORN OUT)

April 14, 2012

I... I know I tore those pages out , but it was too painful to look at what I wrote. Diary, I - I hurt myself, and I thought about killing myself. I can't do this anymore. I just can't, I'll end up hurting more than helping, I'll take things too far and destroy everything I love. I'm checking myself into the psychiatric wing, it's the only thing I can do right now. I am sorry, I am so so sorry...

Personal Notebook of Dr. Parish
Specialty: Meta-Human Psychiatric Conditions

After spending a week talking to Kimberly Abernathy, I've been able to draw a number of conclusions. Kimberly, who typically goes by the name Kimmy, is a vibrant young woman with Empathy. Kimmy has a powerful desire to help others, and this led her to intentionally open herself up to the emotions of others as much as she could. Unfortunately, she has extended her limits and skills at reading others' emotions far past her ability to control it, which is part of the cause of her problems. Being a transgender woman, a large portion of her social circle is LGBTQIA, which is a demographic with notably higher rates of abuse and suicide. Being the open and helpful woman she is, Kimmy took on the heavy emotional concerns of her friends without a thought to her own mental health.

However, simple enthusiasm is not enough to explain Kimmy's overwhelming obsession with her friends. The way she described it (and from what she showed me of her journals), these were obsessive-compulsive thoughts she was having for a huge portion of the day. Kimmy described herself having obsessive thoughts primarily about bad things happening to her friends, especially those who had confided in her profound stress of their own. These thoughts would bring high levels of anxiety, which led her to perform either mental rituals (arguing with the thought, trying to convince herself it wouldn't happen) or other rituals (continually checking in on her friends' emotional states, via Empathy or discussion, providing more emotional support). The obsessive thoughts also occasionally took the form of doubts about her own character: she would have a thought that perhaps she resented or hated her friends, then undergo similar mental rituals to argue with the thought and try to push it out of her head.

At this point I have enough information to diagnose her with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (which does sometimes lead to thoughts of self-harm or suicide, as it did in her case), which she likely had a genetic predisposition for and was triggered by the massive stress level she took on by taking on the emotional concerns of all of her friends - who, from what I know, should frankly be seeing counselors themselves as soon as possible.

I will talk to her parents soon. In this conversation I will recommend that Kimmy be taken out of school for a while to give her time away from unhealthy emotional attachments and some time to recover, as well as time away from training. After a certain point, which shall be determined by all four of us, I recommend she find a different powers trainer. We can discuss at that time whether it would be best for her to find a new trainer at Kocher or transfer to a different school. I am frankly astonished and disgusted that Kimmy's mental health escaped the notice of her power trainer at Kocher for so long.

~*~

July 23, 2013

I know it's been a really long time since I've written anything here. It's been a while since I've really been in a mental state where I can or want to.

At this point I've been out of school for a bit over a year. I've been living at home and meeting with Dr. Parish regularly, the man who saw me when I checked myself into the mental hospital. It has been... challenging, to say the least. We've been working on coping skills for OCD (which I have, by the way, pretty badly) and setting emotional boundaries. I know I'm really bad at that, I want to help everyone and I don't stop to think about myself... it's just so hard to stop myself, especially when that's what the OCD latches onto most tightly, telling me that something horrible will happen if I don't let other peoples' emotional issues become my entire life. I hate how it's poisoned my relationships with others.

I just kind of don't know where to go from here. Helping other people has always been my main passion in life, does this mean that anything I do for others will be poisoned by this fucking mental condition? I want to talk to people, make friends, but I don't want a repeat of last spring... I guess I need to keep working on controlling my OCD, my Empathy, and my boundaries...

I guess one thing is that, if you look at it, you really can tell which thoughts are from OCD and which are actually authentic to your healthy mental processes. It's just that anxiety can muddle those waters so much. It's going to take a lot of work, learning how to relate to others in a healthy way. One baby step at a time, I guess. What else can I do?

Mom and Dad want me to transfer to Hammel Institute. Technically it's in the United States, but it's apparently closely allied with Kocher and it's closer than most of the other institutes are. I could keep going to Kocher, but my parents are really worried that seeing the same friends will encourage me to fall back into the same habits, and Dr. Parish agrees that it's a risk. Also, there's the transmisogynist bullies at Kocher that I would be avoiding by switching schools. They haven't been causing me as much trouble lately as they have in the past, but they're always there. Hammel is known as an extremely diverse and queer-friendly place, so if that holds true that will be nice. I really really need a powers trainer who can show me how to control myself right now, and while we're pretty well off, we don't have enough to hire a powers trainer to train me here. Also, Mom is in no condition to move, given her health... so it'll just be me. I guess a fresh start will be nice in a lot of ways - I can avoid the transmisogynist bullies from Kocher, meet new people and start anew in that way. I don't really see another path right now, at least. I think I'm mentally healthy enough for that trip, since I've been resting for a year.

It's time for me to rejoin the rest of the world, it seems. Well, here I come.

Behind the M A S K . . .

Name: 'Tis Purpleeee
Age: ALL of the ages
RP Experience: ALL of the experience
How did you find us?: ALL of the ways
Other Characters: Tori Peterson

Show your S K I L L S . . .

You're perfect the way you are
I wanna hold your suffering in my arms

The music piped in through her earbuds and calmed her slightly. Kimmy was riding shotgun, her dad was driving, and her three boxes and single suitcase held everything she was bringing to Hammel Institute. This was where her new life was going to be, and so far all she knew about it was based on secondhand and thirdhand information. All that information was favorable, granted, but it was still cause for some anxiety.

The two of them pulled up to the airport. Dad waited a moment before getting out, casting a brief glance at his child. Kimmy knew he was concerned. How could he not be, sending his child to a different country for school? Ze felt the slightly cold sensation of his worry lap at zir skin, and smiled slightly at him in an attempt to calm him slightly. He was more worried than ze was; while ze was somewhat anxious, nothing could be worse than what ze had experienced the previous spring. At least, ze had faith that nothing Hammel or the States could throw at zir could surpass the pain of that experience.

After a moment's hesitation, Dad opened the door and began unloading Kimmy's three boxes. She grabbed a cart to place them on. Yes, the fee for checked bags would be substantial, but there was only so much a lady could live without. When everything was unloaded, the two of them looked silently at each other. Kimmy could feel his reservation and sadness, but also his hope. She focused on the hope, allowing it to bloom in her breast.

"Thank you," ze whispered. Thank you for everything.

Dad's eyes watered slightly as he pulled his daughter into a tight embrace. "I love you so much, Kimmy. I hope this works out for you."

A few tears sprang to zir eyes. One thing about Dad: even if he didn't fully understand everything, he had only ever wanted zir happiness. "I love you too, Dad."

The two of them pulled away after a long moment. Kimmy kept eye contact with her dad for as long as she could as she entered the airport, until he was completely out of sight. She joined the hustle and bustle of the crowd, following the signs to her new life.