POWER SWAP: Double Denial tags Sean

The morning had been strange for Sean and Josh as well. When Sean had awoken, he had been acutely aware of the new memories, the double perspective, the absence of his telepathy, and the fact that he didn’t feel quite whole.

He felt largely like himself, as though his personality was essentially intact. But he was aware of the feeling of separation, and the fact that something was obviously amiss. At the same time, he felt all right. Different and yet as though this was how everything was supposed to be.

Sean had gone about the morning routine as usual: waking before Josh, dressing and grooming, and then going downstairs to prepare their breakfast and coffee. Then Josh came downstairs and immediately noticed that something was...off. Sean tried to explain to the best of his ability without using words that might make his partner uncomfortable.

That still didn’t go over well.

Because it was a Saturday, Josh had to go to Temple with his mother, and there wasn’t time to reflect on everything. They had parted with a promise to talk later, and the psychiatrist had been left home to puzzle through the matter for himself.

Until there was a knock at the front door.

Sean went to answer it, smiling broadly when he saw Ben. His smile was one of exceptional affection. “Ben!” He said. “How good to see you. Please, come in.”

Sean ushered Ben inside the house. As soon as the younger man had crossed the threshold, he shut the door to give them privacy. The smile remained on his lips, seemingly unaware of the other man’s discomfort with the situation.

“I’m fine,” he assured him, which was the truth. While he did feel a little out of sorts, and he and Josh had a lot to discuss when his partner returned from Temple, he still felt fine overall. There was no harm in rounding up to fine, instead of detailing every little matter. “It might be a bit of a long day, but you know how weekends can be.”

Weekends might be free of the grind of the workday, but that didn’t mean that they were composed purely of leisure. There were errands to run and chores to do.

“Do you want some coffee?” He asked, as he led Ben into the kitchen. He should play host, and there was still plenty of coffee left over from breakfast. “Or I could cook you some blueberry waffles?”

He knew blueberry waffles was Ben’s favorite food, and it wouldn’t take too long to make those for him. It would be nice for the younger man to be able to eat his favorite.

Sean nodded in agreement; he and Josh also had to go grocery shopping this weekend. Given the hours that they kept during the week, they were unable to do a full trip during the week. They were also unable to buy groceries every night during the week, the way that some Europeans, or people who lived in big cities with neighborhood stories, might be able to. He tried to go to the farmer’s market or to pick up small necessities during the week, but the weekend was for the major trip. “Josh and I have to go too,” he said, looking over his shoulder at Ben as he made a beeline for the cabinet to pull down a fresh mug. “Do you want us to pick anything up for you?”

“Waffles it is,” he agreed, turning again to smile at Ben. Once he had poured a cup of coffee and mixed in three spoonfuls of sugar, he set the mug in front of the younger man and turned to the pantry to pull out ingredients. He had a waffle iron, and he knew that he had batter and blueberries, so that it would be easy to make Ben’s favorite for him.

“I know most everything about you,” he remarked lightly, before disappearing into the pantry.

“If you change your mind, just let us know,” Sean told him. He understood the desire to do one’s shopping for oneself, and he wouldn’t put any pressure on Ben to accept the offer. Still, the offer remained on the table, should Ben have another obligation. Or should he forget something.

Sean emerged from the pantry a moment later, victoriously holding up a bag of waffle mix. He crossed to the refrigerator to open the door and pull out the container of blueberries that he’d bought recently, as well as the extra water, milk, and butter. With the ingredients ready, he pulled down a mixing bowl and measured in the necessary amounts, while also heating the waffle iron.

He shook his head in response to the question. “No, I have everything under control.” That was the same response he gave Josh when the attorney offered to help. And given that the table was already made, there wasn’t anything that needed to be done to busy Ben’s hands. “This won’t take very long,” he promised.

Once everything was properly mixed, he poured the batter into the waffle iron and pressed it down. It would only take a couple of minutes.

“Not that I’m unenthusiastic about your visit, but is there something on your mind?”

Sean listened attentively to Ben’s descriptions, while watching the batter solidify and brown in the waffle iron. It only took a couple of minutes for waffles to be prepared this way, and soon enough, Sean opened the iron, pulled out the crispy, golden waffle (just the way he knew Ben liked them), and moved it onto a plate with the spatula. He brought the plate over to Ben and set it down in front of the younger man, and then pulled down the syrup and the butter, since he knew that was how the child psychologist liked his waffles.

At that same time, the younger man had reached the end of his explanation. It was evident that Sean didn’t see a problem with this. “And?” He asked, tilting his head slightly to the side, as though expecting there to be a greater follow-up problem than Ben had already communicated.

While waiting for that further explanation, he turned back to the cabinet to pour himself another cup of coffee. He mixed in cream and sugar for himself, until the liquid was no longer black but rather a shade akin to caramel; that was how he always drank it, and it would get him through the day.

Once the waffles had been set out, and after Sean had poured himself a cup of coffee, he settled at the kitchen table across from Ben. He didn’t try to touch the other man, and he didn’t interrupt him in the process of preparing to eat. He also didn’t prompt him further than he already had, trying to get at the heart of whatever was bothering the younger man.

The fact of the matter was that he didn’t see anything wrong with how Cobalt was behaving. He knew how Cobalt was behaving, could feel it and experience it for himself, although it was a somewhat tenuous connection, somewhat disorienting due to the distance. But there was nothing wrong with it.

For Cobalt’s sake, he needed to make sure that Ben understood that.

“Of course you’re with Cobalt,” Sean said. He offered the younger man what was intended as a reassuring smile. “And he loves you very much. I can promise you that.”

With the exception of his own love for Josh, the psychiatrist had never been surer of anything in his life. And it was important for him to convey that to Ben, so that he wouldn’t worry and so that he could have an easy time with Cobalt.

Sean listened quietly as the other man explained, precisely, what made him uncomfortable in this situation. He remained silent even after the other man had finished talking. Rather, he sat there sipping from his coffee mug, watching Ben from across the table. He was biding his time, carefully choosing his words before speaking aloud.

Finally, after long deliberation, he said, “I realize that you don’t mean to be offensive.” Perhaps that seemed a trivial matter, but it was actually important. To both himself and to Cobalt it was important.

“But he can’t help the way he is now, and neither can I.” Sean hoped that didn’t sound too cryptic, but he didn’t have the proper language to describe what he felt and experienced. It was a discovery, and at the same time, he knew that Ben needed and wanted answers at the moment, ones that he couldn’t quite give to him.

“He’s still Cobalt,” Sean said. That was...true. Just as he was still himself. “He’s still the man you love.”

That much hadn’t changed. Even with everything that had happened this morning.

“And if he’s more comfortable with you being affectionate, I think it might be best to just take that for the gift it is. I know it’s hard to be the more affectionate partner in a relationship, but people adapt sometimes. For their loved ones.”