Mascara Face [Sean]

Sean opened the door and Marianne could tell he was concerned. And he really should be. Marianne couldn't make heads or tails of what was going on. She bit the corner of her trembling lip and walked into his home. She had never been inside before. Actually, she had never been there before. Sean had given her his address for emergencies and this most certainly was one. She hugged her jacket closer to her body, not wanting Sean to see her nearly half-naked torso. It wasn't something he needed to see.

She stood in the doorway, awkwardly and unsure of what to do next. Did she hug him and cry some more, or did she stand there shaking from cold and exhaustion of sobbing? She was trying so hard to pull herself together, but she found it was rather difficult at this point. Ter's voice was echoing in her mind and she had no idea how to get it to stop. She had tried music on her way over, but that didn't make a difference. Mari, Oi'm not lookin' for another relationship just yet. Oi just...Oi can't. Oi enjoyed last night, Oi really did, but... Oi shouldn't have done it, sweetheart. My head wasn't on straight. That kept repeating in her head. She had made such a fool of herself.

A few more tears rolled down her cheeks and Marianne quickly wiped them away. She felt like any minute, she would disappear into tiny little pieces of herself. Her hair stuck to her wet cheeks as she peered up at Sean. "I...I made a big mistake." It took everything within her to not burst into tears the minute she said mistake. She didn't think it was a mistake that she loved Ter. Or even that she told him. She made the mistake of thinking that he cared for her. That they could actually be together and be a happy Aussie couple in Vermont. That wasn't going to happen. She had fooled herself for years, thinking that it could happen. And now, she was facing the consequences of dreaming. It was a foolish tale that adults tell children. She was suddenly learning the truth of that lie, dreams don't come true.

She cupped her face in her hands and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself down. It wasn't going to work, she knew that, but it didn't stop her from trying. She knew that the whole time standing there, Sean was looking on with the concern of a father. Marianne didn't know where to start, or really what to say. Sean wouldn't judge her, she knew that. She just didn't know if her words would convey the sense of despair she felt. However, if Sean was using his powers, he would most certainly know the pain that was racing through her body and mind.

"I slept with Ter."

Marianne sat in the chair like a little kid. Her feet were curled up under her and she leaned on her elbows over the table. The crying had subsided, for the moment. There was no telling when they would come back. She was on the verge of a complete emotional and mental breakdown. If there was any form of art coming from her right now, it would be ridiculously dark and broken looking. That was all that could be said about her mental status. It was on the edge and that was why it was incredibly smart for Marianne to be at Sean's right now. At least if it happened here, she knew that he could handle it.

She nodded to his question, "We just woke up about twenty minutes ago." Her eyes were staring at the wood ]grain patterns of Sean's table. Oi... Mari, Oi love ye, ye know that. Oi really do. But... God, what did she do to herself. Marianne was already a broken mess since her mother had gone to jail. She had started to heal from that, but her mother contacted her again. And now, she had slept with her best friend. The only friend that knew everything about her and her family. The only person that was every allowed to call her Mari. She had ruined everything.

Her elbows gave out underneath her and her head gently came down on top of her now flat-to-the-table arms. She just didn't want to face anything anymore. She wanted to crawl into a hole and forget her life, to disappear completely. Marianne just kept thinking that to herself and reminding herself that being at Sean's was the safest place to be. And by safe, she meant safe from herself. She didn't know what she would do if she was all by herself.

"Sean...it hurts so much." She was back to that little girl, waking up in the hospital, being told that her father was dead. She was that little blond haired, pig-tailed, six year old, crying out for her dad.

Even though she was warm now, her body still shook. Perhaps it was to be expected after everything that had just happened, after all the tears she cried. She had just given up all together at the moment. She couldn't cry anymore. She felt numb to everything but the squeezing pain in her heart.

Marianne really appreciated what he had to say. She knew he was speaking from the heart and was doing what he could to make her feel better. However, like he implied, this pain was going to stick around for a while. There really wasn't anything he could do for her, other than listen to her and prevent her from doing anything else stupid. She didn't need to have any more regrets tonight. Frankly, she didn't need anything other than Sean and his support right now.

She sniffled and set her chin on her forearms. "Well, we had planned to hang out last night. So I brought some beer and a chocolate cake over with some movies. We were supposed to be watching some movies. That's all. But I said something about my mom and we talked about that for a little bit. And by that time, I think both of us had way too much to drink. Well stupid me decided that since I was on the side of drunkenness, I would kiss him. And he kissed me back...and then..."

She buried her face again. It was obvious what happened next. She really didn't need to go into the dirty detail for Sean. Besides, he probably knew Ter on a professional level and most likely preferred to keep it that way. She couldn't blame him.

"I'm such an idiot, Sean. He's my best friend. And I just ruined everything for a stupid dream. Dreams don't come true. How stupid is it that I even believed that for a second? God." And now, instead of the six year old Marianne, she was the very pissed off at herself twenty-five year old self.

Marianne didn't have to think about that answer. She had been hearing his words repeating in her head ever since he said them. So it was easy for her to reiterate, and even do his voice. "At first he asked if he hurt me, because of his power. And then he said he loved me, but he was in a relationship with someone while I was in Paris and he still has feelings. Then he said he wasn't looking for another relationship and he enjoyed himself, but he shouldn't have done it because his head wasn't on straight."

A few tears welled up and rolled down her cheeks as she stirred her hot chocolate with the cinnamon stick. She sniffled pathetically and reached for the whipped cream. It was tempting to spray some into her mouth, she was a stress eater, but she refrained. She put some on her hot chocolate and waited a little bit for it to cool off. Marianne didn't want a burnt tongue along with her broken heart. She wrapped her hands around the warm mug and leaned her head on Sean's shoulder, her eyebrows pulled down into a frown.

"He basically told me he regretted sleeping with me. I feel like such a whore for even putting myself out there. I shouldn't have done it." She moved one of her hands to wipe away her tears, letting out a deep sigh. She knew she was just being overly hard on herself, but she knew it was her fault. She initiated it, she suggested it. Ter didn't do anything wrong. She took advantage of his drunkenness. But even still, she was beyond hurt that he didn't have self control over himself. He was older than her and he should have had the sense not to do something so stupid.

Marianne didn't know who to blame. All she knew is everything about her hurt. She pulled herself off of Sean's shoulder long enough to sip at the hot chocolate. She curled her knees to her chest and leaned back against her comforter. He would know what to do. She knew that he would, and she waited to hear his comforting words.

What Sean said was true. She knew she wasn't a whore, but she felt like she had been much too loose. It justmade her squirm a little in her head. She hated the idea of being like that. Even though she had very strong feelings for Ter, she wasn't happy that she had let herself go that far. She chewed at the inside of her lip while she thought.

Marianne sipped her hot cocoa, something that would at least comfort her a little. "I pretty much came over here right away. I mean, it took a little longer and I was in your driveway for a while." That sounded really creepy, and Marianne realized that. "Well...I just didn't want to bother you guys but I didn't trust myself to be alone. You do know that if you want to get some sleep, I'm fine laying on the couch. Just knowing you're here for me makes a huge difference. I can't even tell you how big."

She watched Sean for a bit, really not knowing what to do now. She had calmed down, that was for sure, but she was still very hurt. Marianne didn't really know that much of Sean's personal life, so she didn't know what he was thinking and that he truly did understand how she was feeling. She had no doubt he had compassion, but she didn't know he had personal experience. "What would you do, Sean?"

Marianne accepted that she wasn't bother Sean. He would tell her, she hoped. But when he told her that his boyfriend was here, she got a little worried. Had she woken the poor men up with her pounding on the door? And shouldn't Sean be up there with the man he loved. She had a look of concern on her face as she took a few more drinks of her hot chocolate. The warm liquid travelled down into her tummy and helped her to finally stop shaking. She felt like she could finally breath. She was hurt, yes, but she wasn't dying.

Her mind, on the other hand, wasn't settled. It was racing with mean thoughts against her, and even against him. She looked over at Sean, "Leave him alone? I don't even know if I want to see him again. And lets be honest, the sex really wasn't that great. It was...sloppy." Marianne made a face, scrunching her nose. She took another drink of cocoa. "The French are better."

She actually kind of snickered at her comment, but let out a sad sigh afterwards. "Maybe I'm just pretending that I like him. Maybe I'm just wrapped up in the love I feel for him that I don't realize its just familial love. Maybe I'm crazy. I would love any of those statements to be true. Anything but actually loving him. Even if I give him the space, Sean, he's not going to love me like that."

Deep down, Marianne had always known that. He was her brother, not her lover. But she didn't know what her feelings were. They felt so real, but she could be completely wrong. She could be imagining things because she felt so alone. "I should get a cat." But that cat would probably get all over her art.