Lost In The Echo (Sean)
Sept 16, 2013 21:47:09 GMT -5
Post by Jesse Adams on Sept 16, 2013 21:47:09 GMT -5
Jesse had settled into a routine since returning to Hammel. Part of that routine had included the sessions he had agreed to with Dr. Neville. Week after week, he had showed up for his scheduled sessions with no indication that he was going to dig in his heels and quit going. Apart from a few snide comments, he had mostly stayed within the lines of good behaviour.
He’d even cooperated with his trainer, and his suggestion of a dream journal. Though Jesse was still heavily wary of Vincent, he still went to training classes and did as he was told. All in all, it was a very different behaviour pattern than he had displayed prior to his running away.
He had noticed a pattern when he’d actually bothered to fill out his journal. In the midst of warding off cold sweats in the middle of the night, not to mention shaking hands, he had started to work out a pattern. It wasn’t a good one, and it was really starting to affect him.
... Okay, it had been affecting him for nearly three years now, but he was only now starting to admit it.
Gabriel Underwood was the one topic he had always steered clear of with Dr. Neville. Anything and everything else had become fair game. His time with his father before his manifestation, his time with M.S.A.D., the relationships he’d had with certain members. But never Gabriel. The mere allusion to him tended to make the nineteen year old shut down and not want to discuss things any further.
He hadn’t actually shown the journal to anyone yet, not even Vincent. A lot of it was disjointed, and half the time he couldn’t remember the dreams well enough to write them down. But at least once a week, he had a vivid dream about the compound, and with it, Gabriel. Those were the worst, because everything seemed so real. Upon waking, he was often confused and disorientated, expecting to see the walls of his room at the compound, not Hammel.
Those were the nights he’d refuse to go back to sleep, keeping himself alert with coffee if he had it, or energy drinks. He’d sit on the floor and stroke his bunny, Ty, until it was time to get up and go to class. He’d noticed it more recently, and he didn’t know why.
A small part of him wanted Dr. Neville to fix it. He knew damn well he couldn’t do it himself. Vincent had verified it, and he’d tried it once. But a part of him was also terrified. Gabriel had been so important for so long, he didn’t know what it would be like to lose that part of him. Yes, he had done and trained for nasty things, but none of that changed the fact that he had trusted Gabriel in a way he’d never trusted anyone before. Putting his relationship with the older man into words was damn near impossible, but whatever it was, he didn’t know what it would be to walk around without it. He had to do something, though, because his dreams were slowly killing him.
And then there was Clement. Someone he unexpectedly cared about, which annoyed him. He’d come to that conclusion during the camping trip, when his roommate had been absent.
All of this was giving him a migraine, and by the time he reached Dr. Neville’s office he wasn’t even sure he wanted to go through with the session. He’d already had enough sharing and touching during training, and he really just wanted to curl up in his room with Ty, and a metric ton of Excedrin. Of course it wasn’t an option, but he could dream.
After checking his phone to ensure the right time, he gave the slightly ajar door a nudge with his foot before slinking in and dropping his bag to the floor. Though he had sat in the chair opposite the desk several times, today he wanted distance and thus chose the couch. Huddled in the corner, his expression quite clearly communicated that he wanted this over as soon as humanly possible. Just because he’d entertained the idea of Dr. Neville’s help with Gabriel didn’t mean that he was quite ready to accept it.
He’d even cooperated with his trainer, and his suggestion of a dream journal. Though Jesse was still heavily wary of Vincent, he still went to training classes and did as he was told. All in all, it was a very different behaviour pattern than he had displayed prior to his running away.
He had noticed a pattern when he’d actually bothered to fill out his journal. In the midst of warding off cold sweats in the middle of the night, not to mention shaking hands, he had started to work out a pattern. It wasn’t a good one, and it was really starting to affect him.
... Okay, it had been affecting him for nearly three years now, but he was only now starting to admit it.
Gabriel Underwood was the one topic he had always steered clear of with Dr. Neville. Anything and everything else had become fair game. His time with his father before his manifestation, his time with M.S.A.D., the relationships he’d had with certain members. But never Gabriel. The mere allusion to him tended to make the nineteen year old shut down and not want to discuss things any further.
He hadn’t actually shown the journal to anyone yet, not even Vincent. A lot of it was disjointed, and half the time he couldn’t remember the dreams well enough to write them down. But at least once a week, he had a vivid dream about the compound, and with it, Gabriel. Those were the worst, because everything seemed so real. Upon waking, he was often confused and disorientated, expecting to see the walls of his room at the compound, not Hammel.
Those were the nights he’d refuse to go back to sleep, keeping himself alert with coffee if he had it, or energy drinks. He’d sit on the floor and stroke his bunny, Ty, until it was time to get up and go to class. He’d noticed it more recently, and he didn’t know why.
A small part of him wanted Dr. Neville to fix it. He knew damn well he couldn’t do it himself. Vincent had verified it, and he’d tried it once. But a part of him was also terrified. Gabriel had been so important for so long, he didn’t know what it would be like to lose that part of him. Yes, he had done and trained for nasty things, but none of that changed the fact that he had trusted Gabriel in a way he’d never trusted anyone before. Putting his relationship with the older man into words was damn near impossible, but whatever it was, he didn’t know what it would be to walk around without it. He had to do something, though, because his dreams were slowly killing him.
And then there was Clement. Someone he unexpectedly cared about, which annoyed him. He’d come to that conclusion during the camping trip, when his roommate had been absent.
All of this was giving him a migraine, and by the time he reached Dr. Neville’s office he wasn’t even sure he wanted to go through with the session. He’d already had enough sharing and touching during training, and he really just wanted to curl up in his room with Ty, and a metric ton of Excedrin. Of course it wasn’t an option, but he could dream.
After checking his phone to ensure the right time, he gave the slightly ajar door a nudge with his foot before slinking in and dropping his bag to the floor. Though he had sat in the chair opposite the desk several times, today he wanted distance and thus chose the couch. Huddled in the corner, his expression quite clearly communicated that he wanted this over as soon as humanly possible. Just because he’d entertained the idea of Dr. Neville’s help with Gabriel didn’t mean that he was quite ready to accept it.
