Sometimes I Get Nervous [Closed]

Okay. Chase wasn’t fine. He could pretend all he wanted, but he wasn’t fine. He wasn’t even close. He’d tried, and failed, to hide that from James. He wasn’t proud of that, lying to him all over again. Keeping things from him. Putting on a mask that was so clearly easy to read. He should have known better than to try to hide anything from his husband.

It was still hard for him to even look some of the staff members in the eye anymore. Anyone that had been hurt in the mission. Even Sean, he’d found it difficult. Morgan was the hardest. Because of him, he was now permanently changed in a physical way. Like everything else, Chase was blaming himself for that, too.

They were all changed, some more than others, but in some way, they were all changed. You couldn’t go through something like that without changing in some way.

Of course, you couldn’t kill anyone without changing, either.

He wasn’t going to let Sean look in to that, though. On the surface, he was calm. All the anxieties and stress and guilt was safely stowed away, because the last thing he wanted was to relive it all. He did that enough during his quite moments, at night when he couldn’t sleep. So as he flopped onto the couch, he ensured that everything was tight. It might not have been the best way to approach this, but he’d promised James he’d try. He was here, and that was all that had been required in that promise.

“All right. The kids have been really good lately.” Most of them, anyway. “Verax was a pain in the ass the other day, but that’s nothing unusual.” He paused, pretending for a moment that this really was just a social call. “What about yours?”

Chase was not so patient. He’d proved that time and time again. But when it came down to self defence, because, at its core, that was what was this was, he had all the patience in the world. He could out-wait Sean. All he needed to do was keep his walls tight until the end of the session. Provided Sean didn’t surprise him with anything, he could do this. It would only be what, an hour? Two at the most? Sure, he’d have a bit of a headache afterwards, but it would be worth it. He’d told James he’d go. He hadn’t said he’d try. Though a part of him was still repenting, in a way, he was also denying the fact that he needed help to deal with everything that had happened. If he got help, maybe he’d stop feeling guilty. But he didn’t want that. He needed that guilt, because he deserved it.

Trying to give every sense that this was a normal visit, Chase forced himself to laugh quietly at Vincent’s stunts. It never seemed to stop amazing him, how far the kid would go to gain attention. “He was talking about that in class. I’m guessing Rixon helped him with that stunt?” He was the only pyrokinetic he could see actually helping Verax. “After he told me about the tigers, he decided it was appropriate to show me provocative pictures of men on his phone.” He leaned back, not thrilled to be reliving that particular encounter with the boy. “It’ll be a while before he gets that back.”

At least someone’s day had been fine.

And it was actually encouraging to be asked a question about his family. He’d been anticipating a direct attack. But his family, he could talk about. “I think they’re okay. Nikki’s doing really well. James thinks that friend of his is really helping him.” He wasn’t sure if James had mentioned that to Sean or not. “He’s a child psychologist, works at the Maddock Hospital. I think Nikki likes him. And James is doing well. I think he’s recovered from whatever the concussion did to him. He’s still stressed, but that should get better in time, right?” Or perhaps when Chase stopped resisting help.

Most of the staff knew the pains of being delayed, thanks to stunts from any number of the Idiot Brigade’s group. Mostly Vincent. He’d been delayed in starting his next classes because of Vincent’s stunts far too many times. Not to mention being called on on multiple occasions to diffuse situations caused by the teenager. “The two of them need to graduate. Soon.” As for what had provoked it, he just shrugged. “I never know. I think the kid was dropped a few times as a baby.” Normally he had better manners than that when referring to the students, but the stress coupled with the distaste for the kid was putting a damper on them.

“Yeah. I know. A couple of the teachers have been asking about him. But he’s doing okay. James and I have been doing everything possible to help him.” Of course, Chase had been doing the same for James as well, all the while resisting any attempts at helping him. Because he was fine. Really. “His friend seems to be helping. He’s a nice guy. James met him here when they were both students, so he trusts him. Nikki seems okay with him too.” He was willing to let this topic go on for as long as necessary, in the hopes that perhaps they would run out of time, and he wouldn’t have to talk about how he was faring himself. “Is there anything else you think we should be doing for Niko? I mean, we don’t want to smother him, but… I really just want to help him get past this.” All the while burying his own head in the sand. Maybe he wasn’t such a great role model.

Okay, so the idea of Vincent and Sam graduating was wishful thinking. That didn’t stop him from hoping, though. It wasn’t his class Verax was failing, unfortunately. The kid had near perfect grades as far as his power control went. Thankfully. If he didn’t have the automatic control over it, the kid would probably have ended up dead long ago. “I know. But it’s worth dreaming about.” The day Hammel was free from those two delinquents, it would be a happy place. Until then, they all had to suffer the indignities of dealing with that group. “I’ll miss that girl. She was such a good student. She’ll do well in University.”

At least one of their family members were coping with the situation. He was proud of Niko for how well he was doing. He’d never resisted the idea of talking to Roman, or doing the things that were supposed to help. He was such a good kid. It made the trainer smile. “He’s doing so well. I’m really proud of him.” Why couldn’t it be that easy for all of them? Adults seemed to have so many problems with accepting help, and Nikki was just… there, doing everything they were asking. “We’re trying. We’re really trying.” As for the mortality… both his parents had nearly faced death in the past few months. “I might borrow those, and talk to James. We’ll figure something out.”

He was content to keep the conversation on his family. But the questions, however seemingly innocent, made him frown a bit. “Not… really. Not anymore. He did during last summer, but not after he got kidnapped...” And for the first time during the meeting, his mental shields dipped as he thought about that. His insecurities threatened to spill before he locked his shields again. “He’s doing a lot better.” Sean didn’t notice that little slip, right?

Any students that actually bothered to apply themselves were okay in Chase’s books. November was definitely one of them. “That’s good, though I can only imagine the welcome her group of friends would stage during a visit.” He could just foresee fires and yelling and general chaos.

At least Niko was coping. Even James was doing so much better this time. Granted, it helped he didn’t remember the vast majority of what had happened. That was Niko’s cross to bear. But still, his family was healing and moving on, while the trainer was stuck in a rut. He wasn’t making the effort to get out, either. If he did, that meant healing himself. “Yeah, we will. James and I will talk about it.” And they would, because the more they could do to help Nikki, the better.

Yes, James was coping. He was nightmare free, and relatively stress-free. He was moving forward. It made it seem… not easy, but possible. But he wasn’t the one repenting and generally feeling like a pretty horrible person. James hadn’t killed anyone. He’d been a victim, twice now, but he’d never felt that. It was a source of slight frustration for the trainer. James tried to help him move on, but how could he know what he was feeling, how to fix it?

He bit down on his lip, actually having to actively fight his thoughts and keep his shields up at the same time. There was no doubt in his mind that he’d have a migraine later today. The more pointed questions had him working the defense line now, his gaze snapping up to meet Sean’s. How was he doing? Ask anyone (but James). He was doing fine. Eerily fine, for those that knew what he’d done. It was a difficult line to walk. How exactly did you manage to balance appearing normal with looking like you were sorry for what you’d done. You couldn’t. It was all or nothing, and he’d been trying so hard for the former. But his defences were slowly running thin, and he couldn’t keep it up forever.

One day, he was going to break.

Of course he had nightmares. It was one of the reasons his sleep patterns had been so altered. It was hard to sleep when you saw the face of a dead man in your subconscious. “Yes. Is that what you want me to say? Yes I have nightmares. Who wouldn’t? I killed someone, Sean. Of course I have goddamn nightmares.”

The cracks were already showing. It wasn’t going to be long before he’d have to confront everything.

Getting his family through this nightmare had become one of the few things Chase focused on these days. James, Niko, and even Ginny were priority, and he wasn’t going to relent on that. As long as his family was healing, he could deal with himself later. In the back of his mind, he’d always know it was somewhat self-destructive behaviour.

It just hadn’t mattered anymore.

James and Niko were safe, and healing. That was the important part.

The trainer prided himself on his mental shields. It was part of the reason he was so good teaching students with mental abilities. He was one of the few that rivalled Sean in control and strength. But that control was slipping away now as his emotions took a more firm hold. It was something he’d taught his students time and time again. ‘Don’t let your emotions get away from you.’ He was breaking that now, and he couldn’t stop it.

Sean was his friend. Chase liked and respected the other man. Which was why he had such a problem with how he was feeling now. He was…. angry. Everyone kept telling him they understood. They knew how he felt. He bit down on the inside of his lip to keep himself from snapping. Angry or not, he could still be reasonable.

… Relatively reasonable.

“Did you ever kill a man, Sean?” It hurt just to say it. “You have no idea what it feels like.” While he was getting closer to admitting he needed help, he was no closer to accepting it. “How are you supposed to help me?” He wasn’t sure he wanted the answer, and playing defensive seemed the only way to hide the fact he was so insecure. He didn’t like being scared. He liked being the strong one. But he hadn’t truly felt like the strong one in months. He’d acted the part, yes. But it was just that, an act. “What the fuck can you do to fix this?”