Bottle It Up |Sean

The circles stopped, wheels and cogs grinding to a complete halt in her mind. It was like the whole of everything had a wrench inside and was keeping everything in place. The tight coils were loosened slightly. She didn't know how to explain in her own mind why she was here, so how was she going to try to explain it to him? How? She took a deep breath, her whole body shuddering, and tried to make some kind of semblance to her thoughts. That was the first place she needed to start. To make her thoughts sane and in order to figure out where she needed help.

" I appreciate it right now, because honestly I couldn't tell you. It's all a little bit scrambly up here in the brain functions." She hadn't meant to speak with such heavy sarcasm and acid, but that's how it came out. This one person she had respected pretty much since she came to Hammel and she was now being an ass. So much for good intentions. Still, it was better than trying to hold it in too much longer. Who knew how many things would go awry if she didn't pay attention now to what she was or wasn't doing. Aki pretty much knew she could trust the Doc. It was necessary if she was going to get anywhere with her powers.

She didn't let down her lousy shielding because she wasn't sure that if once she let go she'd have any grip left. There was too much going on inside, even without the gears of all her thoughts moving at too fast for her to keep up with. And really, she didn't want anyone else to have to deal with her non-control-ness.

Aki sighed as Dr. Neville closed the door, blotting out pretty much all thoughts. His were hidden from her, and it was nice to feel a cool wash of nothing. No petty fears to feed the fire, nothing new for the nightmares. She was going to need to talk to that, but that was later. She wasn't in the mood for little pleasantries, not the normal cat and mouse verbal word games that she hated anyway. Straight truth, plain and simple the same way she would give it to anyone else.

" Did they tell you all of what happened? I kinda lost control because someone pissed me off and I went scewball from lack of sleep. Insomnia is oh-so-much fun when its filled with everyone's worst fear you know? So I wasn't thinking right, and I hurt someone. Which, while I'm not opposed to fighting I know it's not right to use my abilities like that." She took a breath in, wondering if she should stop herself now before she really got going. Ya, that would probably be a good idea since he would need some input in here too. She sighed again and looked down. Then she looked back up and grinned, and spoke like she was asking for the weather instead of what she was.

" So, how do you not go crazy?"

The bottle of water found her hand, and she held it for just a moment before cracking it open. The seal gave a light snap that sounded like thunder in the silence. She was at least glad he understood, because no one else seemed too. Yea, people knew her as a prankster, and a bit of a trouble maker, and a crazy person who tended to run around on the rooftops of building ,but no one seemed to want to see the monster side of her that had arisen so quickly. She just hoped to have it sorted out before she hurt anyone truly important. Leo...... The thought washed away and she internally shook her head.

" It might be easier to try and verbally explain it. I don't know how much emotional backlash is here and I don't doubt your abilities at all I don't trust my own right now. I really just don't wanna hurt anyone. " For a moment the image of a girl from one of her favorite sci-fi series poppped into mind, a funny one liner she hadn't really thought about till now. I can kill you with my brain. That was what she didn't want. To hurt people like that, so that everything for them was screwed up. She had to deal with it and didn't want to inflict it on others. Aki had never had any problem using her powers to gain an edge but it was getting ridiculous.

His answer to her question about going crazy soothed her fears some, but not all the way. She liked having the jumble of voices after she had gotten comfortable, but she was afraid of them sometimes. When they were too loud or when she got lost in the threads of all the conversations and thoughts in peoples heads. Or thoughts that were just there who she couldn't identify with anyone and weren't hers.

" It's good to know I won't feel crazy forever. It.....It scares me sometimes. More.." she shook her head, deciding not to finish that thought. Not quite more, but the thought of becoming lost in all those thoughts scared her as much as fire or drowning, her two biggest fears. Could it be as easy as the other two? She didn't want to know.

" I don't even know where to begin....."

For a moment she closed her eyes, letting the past few days run through her mind. She was trying to isolate the worst times, where she was going too far across her own lines. She tried to pinpoint where it had ll starte, but couldn't really. Unless it had been the day where she had been out by the lake. That was the day she and that Kessa girl had had issues. Maybe it had started then? She wasn't really sure. Maybe it had all started with the nightmares.

" I guess.... I guess it starts with the dreams. Well, nightmares really. It's like all the bad thoughts I'm in contact with over the day come together nd just...mutate into these monsters that keep me awake at night. That's where the control loss starts. On the really bad days there's nothing there." She looked away from him, trying to supress the images coming into her head from just thinking about it. The fire was a big thing, but there was so much more. The fears of everyone around her beeded into her mind to create these dreams that she couldn't control.

" I've tried to make them go away or do something to make it stop. Nothing works. Nothing!" A frustrated note entered her tone of voice.
" One of the first times I was really aware I was losing it was this day I went out to the lake. There was another girl there, and I got caught up in her thoughts. Just sort of sucked in. It didn't end well." Which was an understatement seeing as her wrist was still very much broken from that incident, and from the incident afterwards.

" I don't understand why I can't hut myself away at night. It's like my mind just opens up and sucks in everything and swirls it around into one big pot of oh-holy-hell." She finished.

She nodded and leaned back, looking at the ceiling. The half empty bottle of water she was holding was still cold, and had half numbed her hand. Aki took a breath in for a moment, letting her thoughts sort of settle into a sort of background noise so that they couldn't distract her. That was one thing she could do well. Now that her head wasn't quite so mussy headed she let her body relax, just slightly, so that she could think properly. It was good news that the dreams wouldn't always be so bad, news that made her feel more comfortable. If they went away there might even be hope. Of course, they might be something she wouldn't grow out of as her power continued to grow. Don't think like that.

Dr. Neville asked if she had spoken to her trainer, and guilt showed through her eyes. No, she hadn't. Her trainer, actually trainers, had physical powers, not mental ones. She had learned much from them yes, but there were some things she was pretty sure that no amount of learning could help with. Their powers were different, and in this aspect they couldn't really help.

" Well, no. I've.... I didn't day anything because I didn't think there would be much they could do. Tried doing some research but books on meta-humans aren't as common as I thought they'd be." She just shook her head. She had found one book. That was all, and it wasn't what she had been looking for. Really someone needed to start cataloging all the powers people had and learning about how they worked so an instruction manual could be compiled for future generations. That would be a helpful thing for sure.

"I've done meditation before bed a few times, but that seemed to make it worse, like I was opening my mind instead of closing it." Those were some of the worst nights, which was why she didn't meditate before bed anymore.