Getting questions answered (Sean)

Angie’s nerves were a little on edge. Not nearly as much as they had been before. And it was mostly due to the awkwardness she felt for things she wanted to ask. And it caused her to pick nails as she sat, smiling at him. “I’m glad you’re fine. I’m… Fine too, I suppose.”

“Oh, thank you.” She said with a smile, standing to retrieve one, then sitting back down. “They look delicious.” After breaking off a piece and popping it in her mouth, she nodded. “And they are.”

She took another bite, taking her time to chew the brownie. The young girl wasn’t particularly hungry. But she found it comforting to have something to hold. And chew if she needed a moment, like now, to collect her thoughts. “Yeah, um, I’m fine. Classes and everything.” She stared intently at the treat in her hands. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately… About my family.”

Feeling her chest tighten, Angie popped another piece of brownie into her mouth. She felt… silly. Ridiculous. Absurd. What person didn’t know their status within their own family? “And well… I uh… I suppose I have questions. I know that you might not know the answers. Not all of them at least. But I just… Thought I’d ask. Or if maybe you’d help me find them out or something. I don’t know. It’s silly really though.”

“If you can’t, it’s fine. It’s really not important.” Angie tried to make herself comfortable with this conversation by shrugging her shoulders, as if it didn’t actually matter to her.

“If he doesn’t believe he’s a good baker, then perhaps he should be the one meeting with you instead.” Of course, she made a joke of it. And while at first she snickered, she second-guessed herself. Maybe it was in bad taste to have said it? A little wrinkle to her nose, she apologized. “Sorry. That wasn’t… meant to be rude.”

Smiling a little at Sean, she nodded. “Well thank you. I’d appreciate it. It’s just that… Researching, I wouldn’t really know where to start.” It was a rather loaded topic. And the thought of trying to find answer at all, let alone by herself, seemed rather daunting.

Angie dropped her eyes, uncomfortable as she was about asking him. This whole thing was fairly embarrassing to her. “It’s stupid really.” She said, feeling her cheeks flush a deep red. “But… Everything considered...” She popped another piece of the brownie into her mouth, slowly chewing. This was horribly difficult for her to discuss with anybody. But it was better to talk about it with Sean than not at all, right? Her only goal was to not let herself cry in front of him.

“With everything that happened… Am I still… their daughter?… I mean obviously I’m still their daughter. But, I mean,” Sighing, she ran her fingers through her hair, obviously becoming frustrated with herself. “Are they allowed to see me? Or anything like that? On paper, am I still theirs?”

Angie relaxed, when Sean said she hadn’t been rude. “Well you should tell him I agree, that these are wonderful. Sometimes it’s easier to believe strangers than somebody you don’t know.” She felt that was true enough, even if it was only in her face.

She knew that he was trying to be kind, trying to make her feel better about the situation in telling her it wasn’t stupid. But, she almost felt as if she were being chided. Albeit lightly. But chided nonetheless. “Perhaps silly then.” The young girl corrected herself, a slight smile on her face. Even if it did feel stupid to her.

Listening intently to Sean, she pulled her feet onto the chair, resting her chin on her knees. Normally, she wouldn’t have taken such a rude positioning as having her shoes on furniture, but given the topic, she felt an overwhelming need to make herself comfortable.

With a quick shake of her head, Angie began talking. “No… no. I wouldn’t- I don’t want them to visit.” Even if she did want them to, she doubted they would. She took a minute, taking in what Sean had said, before she spoke again. “Does… Does that technically make me an… orphan?” The word itself had always sounded wrong to her. Even more so now. “And when Hammel has breaks… Will I just stay at the school now? Like Hammel is my home?” The other kids had places to go, families to see. Most of them anyway. While she’d just be the girl who never left.

“What about after school? After Hammel? Where will I go?” Angie knew she was getting ahead of herself. She still had years of the Institute left. Shaking her head, she offered a sad excuse for a smile. “Sorry. I know… that’s still a whiles away." But still, it terrified her. If Hammel was in fact her home now... Well, it wasn't as if when she was older she could visit and stay at the school for Christmas, now could she?

Angie felt a brief moment of relief when Doctor Neville assured her that she wasn’t exactly an orphan. But that relief quickly dissipated. “A ward of the state?” That wasn’t exactly something she liked better. “So I just belong to the state then?” She was beginning to regret even bringing this subject up. It felt ridiculous. And seemed like it was mostly just things she didn’t want to talk about.

“Still though… Hammel’s not supposed to be somewhere kids live year round.” No going home over breaks. Or for Christmas. She’d spend those at Hammel. The school was quickly beginning to feel like a prison and her sentence wouldn’t be up until she graduated in four years. Which seemed like an eternity away. “I suppose though it’s somewhat comforting to not be alone in that.” Somewhat was a slight exaggeration. It very marginally made her feel less of a freak. But she didn’t want Sean to feel as if he had to try to comfort her further on this subject. Even if he did already know how she actually felt about it.

The young girl had rarely pictured herself at college. It wasn’t particularly discussed at her home. Nor since she’d come to Hammel, though that was for entirely different reasons as she didn’t usually talk to people. “There are ways for me to be able to go a college even though I don’t have any money, right? Like scholarships? Don’t you have to pay those back?” But what would she even do? And whatever it was, she had to be good at it just to be able to pay it all back. She knew it was still a few years away, but she felt as if it were just right around the corner.

Looking at Sean, a small smile spread along her face. “But there won’t be a room for me. I won’t come back to find my things still in my room, untouched and waiting for me.” As her smile turned into a sad one, she shrugged her shoulders, as if it didn’t truly matter.

“So um…” she rested her chin on her knees, looking at the tips of her shoes, not wanting to dwell on what she’d said too much. This was something she had been wondering. Not for very long. But once or twice in recent days. “I-If somebody, just a random somebody, decided to adopt me… How, um, how would that work? If I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t have to be adopted by them, right?”

That was comforting. In that if all else failed, she was at least taken care of by the state. They had to be sure she was taken care of. “Oh. Ok.” She said with a nod, at least feeling as if she at least had a better understanding. Still though, it wasn’t quite what she wanted to hear.

“Well at least there’s that.” And that truly was comforting. Because, despite being unsure as to whether or not she actually wanted to attend college, she had thought it hadn’t even been an option for her. “I’ll just have to work hard to get one.” If she decided it was what she wanted, Angie was sure she could work just fine at schoolwork. It wasn’t as if she had many distractions socially. And it provided a good distraction.

Not wanting to dwell on the fact that Hammel wasn’t a home that wouldn’t always have a room for her, Angie smiled again at Sean, a little less sad. Because even though she might not be the happiest student, quite the opposite actually, he was trying to help her. Trying to make her see that Hammel could be a home. And she appreciated that. Or was growing to at least. “Thanks Doctor Neville.”

Able to breathe a sigh of relief, Angie relaxed for the first time in their current session, sinking a little into the chair. Thoughts of her being adopted by awful people had been plaguing her thoughts. She’d had visions of everything from religious people hell bent on saving her soul to somebody worse than her own parents.

His apologetic face made Angie shrug and smile, because she appreciated anything he could help her with. “I can’t expect you to have all the answers for me.” It was true, he couldn’t possibly have a knowledge of everything.

“You do?” The thought of talking to another about something so personal was a little scary. More than actually. “Would… I have to tell him about my parents? Because if I would… I’d rather wait to have a meeting with him. For a little while at least.”

It was reassuring to Angie that Sean seemed to have such confidence in her, even if she didn’t have it in herself. Resting her chin on her knees, she smiled a little bigger than before. “Thanks Doctor Neville.”

Taking a moment to consider if she really wanted to do, the young girl stayed silent and chewed on her cheek. Yes, she knew her parents were no longer her legal guardians. And she didn’t want to see them. Not now and she wasn’t sure if ever again. But that was a terrifying thought all on it’s own, never seeing her mom and dad again. “Yeah,” she said with a curt nod. “if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to him.”

Angie didn’t bother trying to hide or apologize for her groan when Sean said it might be a good idea to discuss her parents. “I just… Don’t want people knowing. Ya’ know?” Of course, there’d probably always be somebody at any point in her life who knew. Which made her wonder if she were adopted, would her adoptive parents have to know too? But she’d save that to ask the lawyer.

“Would…” Feeling stupid to even bother asking, she dropped her eyes. “Would you mind um… Coming with me?” Her nails suddenly the most fascinating thing to her, she stared and picked at them, continuing in a rush. “I mean you don’t have to. But I just think I’ll be nervous talking to this guy I don’t know about things like this and i-i-it might be nice. Having a familiar face I mean.”