What I've Done (Sean)

One of the only reasons Jesse had even tried to set foot in the school again was Fifi. After their heart to heart, and his little breakdown, she seemed to have convinced him that it was the right path to take for now. It had worked out well for her, and she’d had faith it would work the same for him.

Only he was much more of an uninvited guest than Fifi could have ever been. She hadn’t run away, and she hadn’t been involved in the fight.

It hadn’t been easy, convincing the new headmistress that he wanted to come back. But somehow he’d managed to get far enough to see Dr Neville before being allowed back into classes. That had been part of his end goal anyway. His issues didn’t just stem from his time at MSAD, and he knew that. Hell, it was his issues that had sent him running from a sort-of-good thing he’d had with Max.

Hopefully, Sean didn’t hate him enough to put a stop to his re-entrance to Hammel. Though he wouldn’t blame the man if he did.

He desperately wanted a cigarette, but he’d figured meetings would go better without the scent clinging to his clothes. It hardly made for a good impression, but now he doubted his ability to go through with this particular meeting without something to calm his nerves.

Nerves that only seemed to ignite when he heard the psychiatrist’s voice. After one more deep breath, he slipped inside the office and shut the door quickly, to prevent any ideas of escape. He didn’t quite know what to say, so he simply went back to the couch and perched on it, his hands clasped firmly together. He wasn’t ready to make eye contact with Sean, so he simply stared at the floor and waited for whatever was going to come.

During his time under Gabriel’s watch, Jesse would have never expected to even want to set foot back in the halls of Hammel, unless he was working as a spy, like he had in the very early days. But a lot had happened since then. He’d lost his mentor, who had been one of the very few people he’d trusted completely in his life. He’d nearly died, he’d run away from someone who had started to care about him, and worse, that he’d started to care about. He’d met up with Fifi again. All things he hadn’t expected would happen.

Just like he hadn’t expected to wind up in Sean’s office, least of all voluntarily. He’d had the option of leaving if he’d refused sessions. He could have taken it, but he hadn’t.

He knew these sessions, particularly this first one, weren’t going to be a walk in the park. He could tell that even before he stepped in the room.

The question made him swallow. There would be no easing into things, like their last meeting about November. Not that he blamed Sean. He probably deserved some sort of answer that wasn’t veiled or an outright lie. He debated for a few moments, gathering what thoughts he could about that time. It seemed so long ago now. Finally, he sighed.

“I don’t know. When I met... him, he said a lot of things that made sense to me. The idea of meta humans being superior was so appealing then. I didn’t really think. I just did.” Even after his talk with Fifi, he still couldn’t deal with saying Gabriel’s name outright, or think about his death. Just one more thing to add to his growing list of problems. “When we met last time, I think fight or flight kicked in. I felt backed into a corner, and running made sense.” Again, his gaze dropped to the floor. “I was on my way out anyway, I just didn’t know how.” He also hadn’t known the psychological damage he’d caused to his former roommate in his haste to leave. Not until Vincent had cornered him a few weeks ago. Luckily most of the bruises he’d left had vanished.

“After I left home in LA to come here, I felt like Hammel was supposed to be some magical, happy place that I was supposed to feel like I belonged. But I never did.” His fingers twisted anxiously in his lap again. “It was better than home, but still not... right. MSAD felt right. At the time, anyway. Now, I don’t know.”

He’d never been able to be truthful about what his home life had been like with Sean. With Gabriel, he’d told him everything, and their ideas about humans seemed to only be reinforced when he thought about his father. But he was as ready as he was ever going to be to talk to someone else about it. Maybe then he could finally understand it.

Gabriel had changed Jesse’s life in more ways than one. Not only had he nurtured and grown the already planted seeds of distaste for baseline humans, but he’d also proved to Jesse that certain people could be trusted. Unfortunately for Jesse, those people had also done terrible things. At the time, he’d been swept up in it, and completely convinced that what they were doing was right. Looking back now... well, hindsight was everything, and he was feeling more conflicted than when he’d first met Gabriel.

He’d also lost the one person he’d trusted everything with. It had been rare he’d flinched away from Gabriel’s voice, and more importantly, his touch. That hadn’t happened in so long, and it was a good feeling to not be afraid of someone. Of course, he’d had his moments. He’d seen Gabriel lose his temper more than once, and it had always sent him running to somewhere quieter, and safer. Though the older man had promised never to lay a hand on him, he couldn’t help what triggered him to move away.

As for Sean’s question, he honestly didn’t know how to answer. He’d said it for a reason, because he didn’t know. Fifi’s visit had only reinforced that. “I don’t,” he repeated, softer than before. He didn’t like being uncertain of things, but recently he hadn’t been sure about anything. Most of it seemed to stem from the idea that he should have died during the fight, and had instead been saved by the twins and Max. Now he just felt like he was drifting, especially since he’d run away from Max.

Who obviously didn’t care that much, being that that had been weeks ago, and he hadn’t come for it. That was his logic, anyway.

“MSAD was like coming home for the first time. But now... I know we did terrible things. They all seemed right at the time, but now they don’t.” He blinked and twisted a cord bracelet around his wrist, losing the battle of not fidgeting. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. MSAD’s gone, I ran away from the person that was looking after me after I was shot...” He didn’t know what else he could say. He couldn’t make sense of any of it, and he doubted Sean could either. “I’m just... really, really messed up. Always have been.”

Of course, Sean was a telepath. If he couldn’t say it, maybe he could show it. Show just how his path of destruction was laid out. He closed his eyes, mentally flipping through his memory banks until he found early ones of his father, when he first started lashing out at his sons. It had started verbally, and escalated to physically after they learned to talk back. It only got worse when Jesse’s older brother had turned to drugs to cope with it. He thought about all of it, his father, his acceptance to Hammel, meeting Gabriel. Time at the compound, his death, the fight. Nearly dying himself. A surprising amount of memories with Max, everything from resisting his care to moments of actual caring between the two. Running away, the clash with Vincent, and finally meeting with Fifi.

By the time he was done concentrating on his memories, his hands were shaking slightly. It was the most honesty he’d put forth in a long, long time. “Maybe that answered some questions,” he murmured quietly.

Jesse still didn’t know what to do. Coming back to Hammel, in his mind, was supposed to answer questions, help him get over certain things, and things would get better. Of course, he’d thought the same of Gabriel and MSAD at one point too. Things had seemed better at the compound, but the more he looked back, the more he realized that that may have not been the case.

He didn’t really take into account that Sean would argue with him over his perception of his current state. He hadn’t really reflected on it in a long time, but since running away from Max, he’d had a lot to think about. Considering that living with Max had probably been one of the healthier relationships in the past few years that he’d been involved in, he’d still run away. Things had seemed to be getting too close, and it had made Jesse panic. One father figure had hurt him. Another had been ripped from him. He hadn’t wanted to stick around to see how being with Max would eventually pan out for him. He’d run away before anything could happen. Before Max could actually care about him anymore. Before he could care about him any more than he’d already started to.

God, didn’t he have problems?

“I am,” he snipped back, though there was little to no bite behind the words. He was so tired of fighting, just like Fifi had said.

After the projection, he sank back into the couch and pressed his fingers to his temple. He hated the way his memories went after he exerted himself. He was out of practice, and his mind felt fuzzy. “Good,” he said quietly. “Then you know how bad I’m screwed up.” He didn’t think there could be any arguing over that, now he’d actually let the other man in, showed him memories he tried to keep locked up.

Jesse had, in all reality, hit rock bottom the moment he’d opened up to Fifi and cried for the first time since Gabriel had died. Everything that could have gone wrong at that point, had. Either by external forces, or by his own hand. He had no direction, no ideas, and he was losing hope that he ever would. Trying to get back into Hammel was his last desperate attempt to latch onto anything in life.

The spark of fight that had been fanned into flames under Gabriel’s watch was now dying out. He wasn’t going to fight the teachers, should he be allowed back. He wasn’t going to fight against Sean anymore. It was so much harder to keep up with hating everyone and everything. Fifi really had been right. Maybe the fight in them all had died alongside Gabriel that day.

He wanted to stop thinking about it. He’d already found out the hard way that it wasn’t possible for a memory manipulator to erase their own memories. At least not on purpose. At a low point, he’d tried it. Just before he’d run away from Max. Now he was stuck with dealing with the feelings of losing a loved one, no matter how misguided they might have been.

He shook his head at the offer. He was still itching for a cigarette, but that was mostly due to nerves and stress. He doubted he’d be granted it, anyway. “Maybe water, if you have it.” It would give him something else to toy with, at the very least.

Sean’s question perplexed him. He knew he’d been chased, at least for a little while. He’d suspected at the time it was because students weren’t supposed to run away. The blond gave a little shrug. “Because I wasn’t supposed to leave school grounds.” It was the logical reason, even if it wasn’t the right one.