Aftershock - Closed

Chase had wanted to contact Sean's friend in Boston, but James had managed to convince him not to. (It had taken every bargaining trick he'd learned in the past four years to do it though.) He didn't want to see a stranger about this. He didn't want to let anyone new in. It was bad enough that all of the staff and most of the students at Hammel knew at least something about what happened to him. He could feel eyes on him wherever he went, and he knew they were pitying him.

He entered the office just as quietly as he had knocked, carefully closing the door behind him. James's mouth quirked into a slight smile that was gone in an instant at the smell of the coffee. Admittedly, he sometimes worried that he drank too much coffee and had too much caffeine in his system, but he wasn't about to give it up.

He didn't go for the coffee just then, or the pastries. Instead, he just sat down at the far end of the couch, unconsciously putting as much space as possible between himself and Sean. James twisted his wedding band around his finger a few times and finally asked, "How does this work?"

James' parents had sent him to a behavioral therapist when he was younger, when his power had manifested. But that hadn't lasted too long, as it hadn't helped much, and at that point his parents really couldn't afford it anyway. Since then, his only experience with psychiatry had been on television. And he doubted it worked that way.

And, in the back of his mind, James wasn't entirely sure why he was sitting there. What good would it do? He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to answer questions. But he also didn't want to disappoint Chase. James knew he hadn't been himself since the attack, and Chase and Niko deserved better.

They were why he was here.

James...really did not want to say what the problem was. Years ago, he'd given up WebMD because he kept diagnosing himself with different diseases, both mental and physical. It was as if the site preyed on him, knowing that it could offer just enough information to convince him that he had acquired some dreadful illness, and it was going to slowly kill him. It had been different this morning, because he had searched for one thing in particular, knowing (and dreading) what he would find. And the sites he had found outlined what he was experiencing quite clearly, neatly grouping the symptoms into three groups: Re-experiencing, avoidance, and hyper-arousal. And he had at least two symptoms from each category.

He didn't want to say it, but he absolutely didn't want to hear Sean say "post", "traumatic" or "stress" in any combination.

So, in an attempt to stave off what he feared was inevitable, James started talking. "I can't sleep at night." That was the most benign thing on his list of problems. "It's not unusual, for me, but usually I can do something like reorganize my bookshelf and I'll feel better and sleep. That started a few weeks ago." And he hadn't had a full night's sleep since. When he did sleep, it was as if something was haunting his dreams.

James crossed his arms, trying to look casual and calm. "And I'm jumpy. Jumpier than usual." To the point where he was flinching when Chase touched him, sometimes even when he knew it was coming. If whatever Sean decided this was had anything to do with the amount it interfered with James' life, it was something serious. There was more, but he didn't know how to word how detached he felt, or the random bouts of anxiety over the tiniest thing, the things Chase used to help him work out.

"I'm trying." James mumbled. More than anything else, he didn't want to have someone in his head again.

And the threat of that scared him more than an actual discussion about what was wrong. With a sigh, James reached for the coffee. If he was going to make it through this session, he would need it. "I'm curious. What were you going to guess?"

"I know you are, and you're doing fine."

James tried to listen to Sean had to say after that. And in all fairness, he knew he'd been scarred by the trauma. But the thought of it "festering" troubled him. And it had gotten worse, over the past few weeks it had gone from quiet, numb worry to constant anxiety. When he'd talked to Morgan about what had happened to his hand, yes he had been twitchy, but he hadn't felt this...scared wasn't the right word, but it was the best one. He didn't like thinking about it, but yes, it had gotten worse.

He had Chase. He had Niko. With his family, his support system, shouldn't he be getting better? Even though he hadn't talked to anyone about it yet, shouldn't he be getting better?

"I'm not doing fine, though." James gripped the mug of coffee tightly, as if holding on to it would help keep him grounded. "I get that there's scarring. I've done research on it and I wasn't expecting to just walk away, but..." What had he been expecting? "I just thought it would start getting better, with time. I thought that was how it worked. But instead I can't sleep, and I'm sure Niko's figured out that something's wrong with me, but I suddenly don't know how to talk to him, particularly how to explain that the place that is supposed to be keeping him safe wasn't able to protect me from an attack. We haven't told him exactly what happened, and I don't think we can." He was nine, and he was supposed to feel safe at school.

They were all supposed to feel safe at school.

He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down. He was worried about what kind of effect all this would have on Niko. The poor kid had been through too much instability in his life already. He didn't deserve a foster father who couldn't connect with him. "How do I fix it? Is there any way I can just....forget everything, and go back to the way we were?" No, even he knew that request was too much. "Is there a way I can make it so I don't freak out when Chase touches me, at least?" It would be a start.

There was a flicker of surprise in his eyes when Sean said he could forget in five minutes. But just as quickly, James remembered why that was possible. This was Sean, after all. He didn't want the memory removed, because that would involve someone going into his head and messing with it. And hadn't he had enough of that?

Plus, all of what Sean said. That too.

"I don't want to forget. I want it so it never happened." But that wasn't going to happen. Even Sean couldn't change that.

And really, James didn't want the "quick fix." He wanted it all to go away. But since that wasn't going to happen, he would have to do this right. Well, from here on out, he was going to do this right. "Right" would have been going to Sean the next day, or actually calling his friend from Boston. He'd had a chance to handle this the right way, but had been too afraid to do it. James had managed to convince Chase to let him deal with it on his own terms, and they all knew how well that worked out. He'd started to call, more than once, but he'd ended up just hanging up the phone instead.

"How can I stop?" James grip on the mug tightened even more, his knuckles turning white with pressure. "He can tell. He knows that when I shy away from him I'm doing it because of that jackass..." His voice trailed off as he thought about it. It was that look on Chase's face that had finally convinced him to call Sean. "I don't want to keep pushing him away." James had always been a family man, and not being able to connect, not being there like he used to be killed him.

Finally realizing he was close to breaking the handle off the mug, he loosened his grip and started running his fingers around the rim of it, the same way Chase had run his finger around the rim of a wine glass to make it resonate, much to Niko's delight and James' annoyance. But even if it meant he had to put up with the high-pitched tone of resonating glass, he would give anything to have that kind of family dinner again. Anything to have that security.

Hanky panky? James blushed a deep red at that. They hadn't... not since before the attack. He and Chase still slept in the same bed, when James could sleep and when he didn't just pass out on the couch from sheer exhaustion. But even then, he sometimes woke up in a blind panic, because Chase moved in his sleep and put his arm around him. It used to be comforting to wake up to that, now it caused a panic attack.

"We haven't..." Okay, so maybe talking to someone else would have been a good idea. Sean knew them. "That's pretty much what we've doing. Chase hasn't used used his power on me since that day, right after when I called him. I pushed him away." Chase had reacted to the situation the same way he always did when James was upset about something, and he'd freaked out. And now, he really wished he hadn't. He knew it didn't work that way, but if he could have gone back and let him in then, maybe they wouldn't be having problems now. Maybe then James wouldn't be afraid of the one person he trusted over everyone else.

The one person he was supposed to trust, that is.

"He knows when I'm anxious. He's always known, and we were at a point where I didn't have to say anything if I was feeling stressed. Chase just knows and he was always able to fix me." Sometimes, he'd wondered if it was fair, letting Chase take so much responsibility for his well-being. But they were good for each other, or they had been. "...I wish I could shield him from it. Him, and Niko, and Ginny." James finally paused and took a sip of his coffee, not even bothering to put the sugar in like he usually did. "I could handle anything but this. It's like he took them from me." It shouldn't be that way. He knew his family was there for him, but he was the one who was gone. "I'm sorry. That's not right either."

He blanched at the comparison of psychic attacks to rape. Yes, he felt violated. Of course he did. Someone had gotten into his head, threatened his son, and used his body to put kids in danger and mutilate his hands. That kind of violation... okay, maybe it made a little sense to approach the victims the same way. James didn't like to think of himself as a victim, though. "Okay...." But was there anything really to say to that in response?

Part of the problem was that James didn't have any mental shields. He couldn't defend himself against psychics, and never had been able to. There was a point where he had tried to learn, and had been practicing to the point he could throw off a particularly weak telepath, but then he'd met Chase. And he'd never had to worry about shielding himself from the man.

Once again, he felt like Sean was just repeating what he already knew. Yes, there was a wedge between him and his family. Otherwise he wouldn't be sitting here. James grimaced, "It was just a picture frame." Of course, that was bullshit. "I've broken things before. I break things all the time." That was also bullshit. He was careful with everything, particularly the things that meant that much to him, like his photographs. "I just don't feel like it should bother me this much. It was a picture. We replaced it." Chase had printed out another copy the next day, and found a set of matching frames, one for that, one for another picture of them with Niko and Milo. For some reason, they had stayed on his desk at home. He knew it wasn't likely that Gabriel would attack him again. After all, he'd served her purpose, hadn't he? Gabriel had already seen his files; he was of no use now. But still James kept them at home, where the were comparatively safe.

Finally, James gave Sean a rueful smile. Yeah, like he could get away with punching the older man. "I think if I attempted that there would be less apologizing and more being snapped in half like a twig." He knew Sean wouldn't hurt him, but if the other man was going to make jokes, he would too.

Neither of them were funny.

He took a deep breath and gulped down some more of the coffee. He didn't know how many cups of the stuff he had drank that day, and for once he didn't care about the side-effects of caffeine over-consumption. As he thought about what Sean had said, he realized that one of his questions hadn't been answered. "How am I supposed to tell Niko what happened to me? I don't want him to be afraid of other Metas." Up until that point, he and Chase had been trying to avoid the topic entirely.