What I Mean to Say (Phen)

[Rue Zhao]

Rue was nervous. He wasn't used to the feeling - it left him unsettled in many ways. He'd sent Phoenix his address and they'd planned for him to come over, but waiting as he was now made him a little... Anxious? He couldn't stop shifting around every so often; changing seats, wandering over to the kitchen, wandering back to the small living room, sitting in a new chair, running his hands along his jeans. He'd glance at the door. He'd glance at the window. He'd glance at the time on his phone. Anything to try and distract him, but nothing was working.

And although he was expecting it, when he heard a knock at the door he still jumped a little in surprise.

But after a short moment of what some might even call panic, he got up and worked as hard as he could to calm himself down with his ability. At least he could feel his heart rate settling back down - not completely, but it was a start.

He made his way over towards the door and exhaled the breath he didn't know he was holding onto before he actually opened the door. There, Rue greeted his former love with the best, most genuine smile he could offer. Even if he did look sick, he was still Phoenix. And he was worth much more than his best smile. "Come in," He said, indicating into the apartment. It was small - as one bedroom apartments usually were - but it was big enough for him. "I'm really glad you could make it."

[Deleted]

If Rue thought he was nervous, Phoenix thought he was even more so. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Rue was back, after he had almost given up hope that he would ever see the boy again. When they had settled on a day and time for Phen to come visit, it became all he could think about - what he would wear, what he would say, what would happen between them. He had nearly given in to taking a hit of dust before he went to see Rue to calm his nerves, but he forced himself not to.

He hadn't told Oriel about it; not yet. He had mentioned Rue's presence in his life vaguely that one time when the other boy had been crying in his arms to make him feel better, but it was too raw now for him to bring it up with his partner/fuckmate/whatever Oriel was to him now. He was sure he would tell him eventually, but... He needed to see how this was going to turn out.

Don't lose your temper. Don't yell at him again. Don't cry like a pussy. He mentally went over all the things he shouldn't do as he made his way up to Rue's door, feeling like his heart was going to pound out of his chest. Don't do anything dumb. It would be fine, right? He had to believe that, otherwise he would run back to his room and hide and never come out again.

Here it was. Taking a deep, rattling breath, he knocked on the door, waiting anxiously for it to open. When Rue appeared, his heart skipped a beat against his will; he was just... So achingly beautiful, Phoenix had nearly forgotten. And that smile was enough to bring a very faint one to Phen's own face. "Thanks," he murmured, stepping inside. It wasn't a lot, but it was a nice enough place, and Phen could imagine Rue living here alone, working on homework and doing... Whatever good college students did.

"I... I am too," he replied, standing nervously in the middle of the living room, unsure if he should sit or do something else. He turned so he was facing Rue again, trying not to fumble over his own tongue. "Thanks for... You know, lettin' me come over." He rubbed the back of his head. "T' be honest, I was startin' t' wonder if seein' you downtown had been a dream..." he admitted quietly. "How, um... How is college?" Small talk was a good start, right?

[Rue Zhao]

Though it was small, Rue still relished in the sight of a smile on Phoenix's face. It was something incredibly special to him; a sight to be kept in his memories for fear that he might not see it again. It might have been a strange thing to worry about, but he did all the same. He lost it all once. No - he foolishly gave it all up. He couldn't do that again.

It warmed his heart to know that Phen was at least somewhat glad to be there. It felt strange to be so awkward around someone he'd been so open and honest with. But he knew it was important to at least try and keep things light. They would get heavy again in time. "Anytime." He replied gently, indicating that he could have a seat if he wanted. To cement the fact, Rue made his way over to a single armchair by the couch and fell back into the seat with a small sigh.

"Busy," He admitted, chuckling to himself at the thought, "But quiet. Quieter than what Stanford was like, anyway. I like the peace that comes from a smaller college." With a pause, he pressed his lips into a line. He almost didn't want to ask, but felt it was almost implied that he should inquire; "How's life at Hammel?"

[Deleted]

The awkwardness was definitely something that was hard for Phoenix to adjust to, considering the last time they had really spent time together they had been so... Carefree and, well, in love, at least from Phen's side. He believed that Rue had loved him too, but after the two years since they broke up, he had begun to question it. But there had to be something there, for Rue to be back... Right? He nodded and followed Rue further into the room, finally settling onto the side of the couch near where Rue was sitting, but not too close. He still needed a bit of space to breath and collect his racing thoughts.

"I bet," he replied with another small smile, twisting his fingers together in his lap as he pulled his legs up under him. "So you're... Settlin' okay?" The fact that he had left a big college to come back here still stunned him. At Rue's question, Phen tilted his head away, letting a short curtain of hair cross his forehead. "It's... Life," he replied vaguely. "I mean, I shoulda graduated this year, y'know, but..." He shrugged weakly. "I couldn't do it. For several reasons, accordin' t' the people that run that place." Non-passing grades, bad behavior, abuse of his ability... It was a list. "Dunno if I'll get t' graduate this year either," he mumbled, glancing anxiously at Rue. How pathetic he must seem, to someone who was so successful. "I'm just.... I dunno. Not motivated, I guess." To do anything.

He rubbed his neck, a sarcastic, humorless smirk tugging at his lips. "Sad, ain't it?" he asked. "Even if I do graduate, I have no idea where I would go or what I would do." Hammel, at least, was a place he could live. Once he left, he supposed he would just... Live on the streets.

[Rue Zhao]

"Settling in was easier than I thought, actually." Rue admitted. He rolled his shoulders back, glancing at the large window which offered a nice view of the lake. It was one of the reasons he liked to place so much. "The people I've met on campus are nice so far. And I have a really energetic neighbour who goes to the community college. She's nice too." Nice was a hard word to use to describe people for him, but until he knew more about them, he wasn't sure what else to say. It all came with settling back into life in Pilot Ridge.

Rue nodded his head a few times. He knew it was often for people to be held back a year or so, but it still surprised him. He had almost been certain Phen would graduate and they would find the means to reconnect that way. Though...

Perhaps that was too much of a romantic notion; to expect someone to chase him across the country.

"Why aren't you motivated?" He asked, almost curious about the whole concept. Of course he was concerned, but he almost didn't feel like he really had a right to feel that way. "I would have thought... Being able to get that freedom would be a big motivator for you." With a pause, he realised he didn't feel like he'd be able to say that. It was like he was assuming something of a stranger. "Then again, I guess being able to do whatever you want makes it harder to decide where you want to go."

[Deleted]

Phen listened with great interest to what Rue had to say, drinking in his words like a man dying of thirst. His voice was still as smooth and silky as he remembered, so calming and comforting like nothing else. "That's good," he murmured, following his gaze out the window. It really was a nice location. "I'm glad everythin' is goin' okay for you. I mean, it must be a... Big change." His eyes settled on Rue again; every time he looked, he felt hot and nervous all over again. He hoped it would go away, and... Maybe go back to the comfort he felt around him... Before. But that would take time.

He would have chased Rue across the world had they not parted the way they did. As it was, he had felt even more stuck when he became alone and severely depressed. And it wasn't like he would ever be able to get into the sort of college Rue had, anyway; he had killed too many brain cells for that.

The question brought a heavy sigh from Phoenix as he looked down in his lap again. He could sense the hesitancy from Rue, like he was afraid to prod too deep, which only made Phoenix more upset that they were practically strangers again. "I just can't get myself t' do any of the work in class," he mumbled, twisting his fingers. "I'm usually... Well, I ain't usually this coherent." Of course he meant he was usually under the influence of his dust, which he assumed Rue would understand since he had already told him he was addicted again. "Freedom... It's sort of terrifyin', honestly," he sighed, shifting over a bit on the couch. "What am I gonna do once I can't live there anymore? I... I would need t' get a job or somethin', an' I don't know the first thing about doin' that, let alone if anyone would even want t' hire a fuckin' druggie." It all fell back to the dust. He was really starting to hate that stuff, but even now he felt that sick craving in the back of his head, making his hands shivery and his body tight. It owned him as much as he owned it.

[Rue Zhao]

"It was a big change to move away, too." Rue admitted, though he wondered if that much had been obvious. "Moving away from the comfort and security of, well..." He glanced back at the boy nearby, letting his voice dwindle into the silence with ease. He wasn't even sure how to finish that sentence.

He offered a slight nod when Phoenix started talking. He understood the difficulty with paying attention in class. And lowering his head, he basked in the concept of freedom as a terrifying concept. He understood how thin the line was between that and relief. "I know you mightn't want to hear this, but it's not hopeless. You were doing so well before; you can do well again." He pointed out, lightly. But he didn't want to come across like the therapist he was training to be. That was just a difficult thing to look past. "I agree with you. Freedom is scary. It makes even the sanest person," He looked at his hands, pressed together in his lap. Was he even considered a sane person,

"Well, even the best people make rash decisions when faced with uncertainty." Rue said heavily, tentative to glance back in his direction. "And... When they have to explain themselves... To explain why is difficult."

[Deleted]

Phoenix's gaze dropped as Rue spoke, his fingers twisting in his lap again. Comfort and security... Yeah, they had had a lot of that, until... His world was torn apart. "I bet," was all he managed to mumble, biting his lip against the flood of memories that kept begging to break through. Nope, he wasn't going to break down. Not so soon.

Rue had always been calm and collected, but now he was... Even more so. Almost professional, in a way. Phoenix wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not - it made him seem even more distant, more out of his league, but also that much more tempting to open up and fall back to. "I don't know if I can," he replied under his breath. Oriel had been doing a good job keeping him occupied, but it didn't help him with his education. Rue had always driven him to push himself and do his best; it was hard trying to do that alone. He glanced up again as Rue spoke, hearing the hesitancy in his voice, and wishing he could just fall into his embrace and escape... Like old times.

They kept skirting around it. What they were really here to talk about. They could talk about vague ideas and problems all day, but the truth was, Phoenix wanted answers, and he hoped he would be able to get them without too much pain. "Like you feel now?" he asked quietly, drinking in that soft, dark gaze and refusing to tear himself away. "I.... I know you've said why you left, and I understand that, even if it..." He trailed off; he couldn't finish saying how he felt about it. "And.... As much as it fuckin' tore me open, I guess what I want t' know..." He paused, struggling for the right words to say. "What is it that you're looking for, comin' back?" he finally murmured.

[Rue Zhao]

Rue exhaled a small, albeit nervous laugh when Phoenix effectively called him out on what he was trying to say. Being direct, it seems, hadn't been his forte when it came to his own personal issues. But he offered a slow nod with his head, acknowledging that it was so.

He was so intently focused on Phoenix that he felt his breath catch his throat, his answers lost. It was... Difficult to articulate what he felt he needed to. He wasn't sure what to say. What was appropriate to say, or... Perhaps what Phoenix might want him to say. Already it felt evident that there was nothing he could do to fix what he'd broken, and with the help of his abilities he was trying to ensure that didn't weigh him down as it could.

It was a heavy burden to have to wear either way.

"What do you want me to say, Phoenix?" He asked genuinely, tilting his head to one side slightly. "I didn't come back for school, or to reconnect with old friends. I came back for you." Running his hand along his jaw, he realised how bitter those words tasted; how undeserving he felt for saying them. "For what I left behind."

[Deleted]

Phoenix was glad that his calling Rue out hadn't been met with more resistance, and allowed himself to relax just a bit at his small laugh. And even more so at the nod; at least his suspicions had been correct, which was a relief, considering he had never been all that great at reading people, even though he usually showed his emotions clear on his face.

But he didn't want to just hear what Rue probably thought he wanted to. He wanted the truth, no matter how hard it might be to hear. He wasn't sure how well he could take it, considering how precarious his emotions were on a regular basis, but he told himself he could handle it, whatever it was. He had to.

"I just want the truth," he murmured quietly. His gaze sought deep into Rue's familiar features as his ex-lover spoke, feeling his heart skip several beats and his fingers twist into the couch with hardly suppressed emotions that he didn't even know how to begin to explain. Rue came back... For him. Just for him. "B-but," he stammered, his breath coming out in a soft puff as he struggled to accept that answer. "You... You had so much goin' for you, being accepted t'that fancy school and... And bein' successful in life." He shook his head. "I'm... The fact that you... You're passing that by... For me..." Especially after you left the first time, he thought incredulously to himself. "I guess I... I just..." He pressed his palms to his face, suppressing a shiver. "It's hard for me t'believe," he mumbled. "But... But I... Fuck, I missed you so much," he whimpered.

[Rue Zhao]

Rue had never been an expert at offering raw truth. His skills sat with blanketing such notions with broad statements and overarching ideals. He often didn't answer a question at point blank range. He talked around it. He offered that as a kind of answer, satisfying the listener and allowing him to move on. It was in his nature - it always had been. It had taken time to break past that and speak to Phoenix so openly. So when asked for the truth, he offered what he could.

Even if he almost wished he hadn't.

"I know it's hard to believe. But..." He paused, feeling his ability willing him to pull back - to distance himself from an emotional outburst. "I'm here to do everything I can to help you believe me. Listen, I..."

With a sigh, he shook his head. He felt himself getting worked up and frustrated; frustrated that he ever left in the first place. That he let himself be told what to do again, like a child half his age. With another shake, he stood up and closed the distance between himself and Phoenix. He knelt before the boy he'd confused so much. "I thought life was always supposed to be about how successful you make yourself. I thought it mattered more than anything else in this world. But... It's not about that." Opting to take a chance, Rue reached out and pressed his hands against Phoenix's knees, searching for some kind of contact.

"Living without the person you want to be with; it... It isn't a life worth living." Rue admitted finally. He lowered his gaze, staring at the floor beside him for something less intense to look at. "The fact that I made you feel that way is... Well, I know that's unforgivable. I always feel that pain."

[Deleted]

Phoenix bit his lip, hard, knowing how difficult this was for both of them. As much as he hurt, he tried to put himself in Rue's place - he really did. It didn't necessarily make it any easier, but it at least made it so he could better understand what the man must have been struggling with. Talking about this, after being gone for two years... How nervous he must feel, with the possibility of Phen shutting him out despite all that he had given up to come back... He was overwhelmed with the thought.

He listened. It was all he could do. Listen and try to get back that trust he had felt before it had been ripped so harshly out of his chest, because he really, really wanted to trust him again. He just didn't know... In what role it would be.

Phoenix's eyes widened as Rue stood and came to kneel at his feet, searching those deep, soulful eyes, his core aching with a paralyzing mixture of emotions. And so he stayed silent, lips slightly parted, gaze unwavering until Rue's hands rested against his knees. The physical contact sent a jolt through him, and he looked down, hesitating for only a brief moment before he let his own hands settle over Rue's larger, stronger ones.

It wasn't until Rue was done speaking that Phoenix managed to look up again. He just... He couldn't be angry at him. As much as he should and wanted to be, there was something about Rue that just... Felt like home. And the sincerity with which he spoke, the pain in his voice, made Phoenix's heart squeeze. "I... I can't forgive you," he finally whispered, tightening his grip on top of Rue's hands. "Not... Not yet. But... I want you in my life, Rue. If I really... Mean that much t'you.." His breath caught at the possibility. "Please just... Let's take this slow. I can't... It's goin' t'take time t'get back t'where we used t'be." If that was even possible. "Thank you for bein' so honest with me, though," he added quietly, hesitating before reaching out and letting his thumbs brush against the man's jawline. He dropped his arms a moment later.

"D'you wanna... I dunno, do somethin'?" he asked awkwardly, fingers twisting together nervously once again.

[Rue Zhao]

Feeling Phoenix's hands in his own brought forth a jolt of fresh emotional recognition; the memories that came along with such a familiar sense of touch was almost catastrophic given where they were now. He almost felt the urge to let go. But he knew if he did now, he'd be left with nothing but a wavering, unforgiven mistake.

So being told his mistake couldn't be forgiven felt like a physical blow - the kind that stole the wind from his throat. It forced him to hang his head in his own shame. He should have known that much. Trust was hard to earn, easy to break. It took years to build that connection. And he'd severed it with his own confusion and selfishness. But it wasn't all for his sake, was it? Not yet revealed a sliver of hope. One he wasn't sure he should trust. But he'd already come this far and exposed himself so much. Why not give into the satisfaction of hope.

"You mean everything to me." He admitted, keeping his eyes briefly on the floor. He wanted to laugh - he must have sounded so absurd; "I just wish I realised that sooner."

At the recognised feeling of fingertips against his jaw line, Rue looked up again. It was a soft, simple act. The kind he'd grown to miss with every fibre of his being. He felt the shift in aura, though the resonating emotion was one he was unsure of. Phoenix had always been a difficult one to read. And with the distance and time, it was like being back at square one. "We could-" Rue paused, feeling out of his depth. This was always so much easier when he could read people. So in the break, he exhaled on a nervous laugh. "Honestly, you make me... Nervous. Like we're in high school again and I'm building up the confidence to talk to you."

[Deleted]

Phoenix felt his own heart ache as Rue hung his head, forcing himself to bite back words he didn't mean, knowing that lying and saying that everything was fine now between them would only end up hurting them both in the long run. It was better if they started over again, without expectations or false hope. And maybe, someday, Phen would be able to forgive him, completely and truly - he just wasn't there yet, not when the effects of Rue leaving him were still ruining his life. Even now, his craving for a hit was starting to almost make him feel sick.

He swallowed hard. "I'll... I don't know what t'say to that," he murmured. The sincerity in Rue's voice was impossible not to believe. "I'm just... I'm so glad you're back. Maybe..." Phoenix looked away, biting his lip. "Maybe... You can help... Me..." he whispered quietly. "I don't... I don't want t'be like this anymore. I want... My life back." He held out both of his hands, palms down; they were still shivering uncontrollably.

Phen tried to muster a smile as Rue looked up at him again, but it was very faint. He had really forgotten how beautiful the man was. Not only physically, but just the calm, quiet feeling about him, even if they were both nervous and uncertain in the moment. Though, the admittiance of being nervous made Phoenix let out a short, breathless laugh. "You're not the only one," he replied, glancing away. "Those were... Those were days I'll never forget." He paused, rubbing the back of his neck. "Maybe... We should plan somethin' another day. I... Honestly don't know how much more of this I can take in one day." It was heard on his heart, and his mind. He needed time to mull things over and figure out what he wanted, and what would be best for both of them.

[Rue Zhao]

"I'll do what I can." Rue replied, offering a slight nod in tandem with a smile. It was clear Phoenix needed help. Maybe not his help, but he was asking for it. And the older boy was more than willing to offer the assistance in any way he could. From a distance or otherwise.

If nothing else, it warmed his heart to hear Phoenix laugh. Taking this slow - whatever this was - was all that could be done. Though the temptation to lean forward and kiss his former lover was inkling at his senses, he could ignore it. He was sure. "I'd like that." He reasoned with another nod of his head. One day at a time. It was better than a standstill; "And I promise you - we'll get your life back."