A Myraid of Problems {Trigger Warning}

[Adaryn Breslin]

The teacher, whose name she realized was Vincent when Dr. Neville dismissed the man, carried her to the dreaded office where she had, for two years, successfully avoided. But after the incident with the boy in the field, there was no escaping it. She wasn't going to expelled, but she had a feeling she would have weeks of detention after this, sadly. Rightfully so, too. If she had gotten her way, the boy would have killed her in a matter of minutes, but then what would that mean for the boy? He would have to live with the fact that he killed a girl, whether it was because she manipulated him or not.

Adaryn's arms were crossed gently across her chest, but she eventually moved them down to her legs because the pressure was making it hard for Addie to breath. She avoided the gaze of the man sitting in front of her, and forced a mental block as best she could. It was probably useless though, considering Dr. Neville had years experience with his power, where she barely had a year of two with her own. She only just started to learn how to block out emotions, would the same work for telepaths?

One thing was for sure: Adaryn wasn't going to speak her mind. She didn't want her inner fears to be manifested. And surely, if she spoke them, he would have her in his office every week for the rest of her life, and that is not what she wanted. At all.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Vincent had not needed to say a word to Sean, when he had brought Adaryn to his office. The psychiatrist had learned everything that he needed to know through telepathy, and the incident was gravely concerning on a number of levels. However, he thanked the trainer for bringing her to him, and then let him go. Once Vincent was out of the office, Sean shut the door to give them privacy to discuss what had occurred on the training fields.

With that, he returned to his desk, seating himself in his chair and folding his hands in front of him. This was a delicate situation, one where he had to balance the complete and utter disregard for someone’s boundaries (what she had done to Zac, using him as a means to a horrifying end) with her obvious dire mental health concerns.

The psychiatrist mulled over his words for a brief moment, during which he sensed her raise rudimentary mental shields. They did little good in keeping him from overhearing her thoughts, but it certainly drew a line in the sand for this meeting. Duly noted.

Given that, and her posture, and her behavior immediately prior to entering this office – including going limp so that Vincent had to bodily move her here – he decided to attempt a blunter approach, although his voice was wholly free of judgment. “To the extent that it can be, doctor-patient confidentiality is in effect. So I have to ask why you want to die.”

[Adaryn Breslin]

Apparently, from the words that Dr. Neville spoke, Adaryn hadn't put up enough of a block to keep him out. Why was she surprised, though? She was exhausted and she hadn't nearly as much experience. Even so, hearing her morbid desires being spoken out loud scared her even more than when they were within her mind. Were they true? Of course they were. Adaryn did want to die. She wanted to be put out of her misery. Her parents hated her, she-- Addie cut her thoughts off short. He could still listen in to her thoughts, so there was absolutely no she was saying that. Only Monroe knew the extent of what happened, he just didn't realize it yet.

Addie kept her eyes to the floor and her breathing shallow. Her cardigan was wrapped tightly around herself, hoping that this would keep Sean from looking underneath. Years that she tried to get away from were coming back to haunt her. The small white marks that littered her arms were a painful reminder that she wasn't okay. That she never would be. That her parents would never want her.

"I just do," Addie muttered.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean tried not to contradict the lived experiences of others. Even with his more than half a century of life, his psychic powers, his decades of experience as a psychiatrist, his training, and his observational skills, he was still far from omniscient. He would never be omniscient, it was part of the human condition, and the psychiatrist was at peace with this reality.

At the same time, I just do had never been a true answer to that question. Never in the many times that he had asked it of different patients over the years. Not throughout the course of human history, coupled with the cycles of life, pain, and death.

While Adaryn didn’t look at him, Sean still kept his attention on the girl. He didn’t stare, but she had his full attention; should she look over at him, they would have eye contact. He kept his expression neutral, because he didn’t believe that she wanted pity from him at the moment. However, the litany of thoughts he overheard from her were heartbreaking indeed.

“Whatever we talk about in this office is between you and me,” the psychiatrist assured her. He wanted her to be aware of this, in hopes that she would open up a bit. Then, choosing to play a bit of his hand, he added, “It won’t go back to your parents.”

[Adaryn Breslin]

Adaryn's ribs hurt. So bad. Her body felt like it was just going to collapse in on itself, and to make matters worse, Addie could feel that Dr. Neville's gaze was trained on her. She didn't know how to react to that. He spoke.

A strained laugh forced its way from the pit of her stomach at his words without warning, but instead of covering her mouth like she normally would, she said, "I assure you, even if it did, they wouldn't care." Adaryn had no doubt that what she said was true. Her mother wouldn't look at her, let alone speak to her. And her father? He much rather have a happy wife that he had to live with and an unhappy child that he didn't than the other way around. There were moments when they would speak, and at least she could hear there was no bitterness in his tone, but if it came down to things, Adaryn knew where his priorities lie. Her gaze never met his.

Instead, she continued with the destructive act of picking at her fingernails. There was nothing left to pick, as her nails were now nubs, but that didn't stop her from continuing. She managed to force herself to stop after giving herself a hangnail that she would have to fix later. Instead, she focused on the pain itself, as if to remind her that she was still alive. Unfortunately.

"Why do you even bother, anyway? It's not like you can't see exactly what I'm thinking. What difference does it make if I tell you?" Her words were sharp, but her voice wavered by the end. She wasn't confrontational, but after what had occurred with that boy, Dr. Neville wouldn't know that. Adaryn didn't know what she would accomplish by adapting a harsh tone, but she hoped it would get him to back off a bit. Today, Addie scared puppy backed into a corner and she still had some fight left in her. Well, more like the 'bark is worse than her bite' sort of fight.

"Can't you just punish me and let me be on my way?"

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean made a mental note to have Adaryn check in with the infirmary after they finished in his office. It was in her best interest for Nakia to give her an examination, in light of the injuries that she had sustained. That they were (in some ways) self-inflicted did not undermine the need for care; it merely underscored the need for mental health care in addition to physical medicine. To that end, he would have to walk her down himself, just in case.

The girl’s reaction to his assurance demonstrated the treasure trove of interrelated causes that had led to her power abuse with Zac. They would come back to the topic of her parents, possibly several times. “Regardless,” the psychiatrist replied, “I still won’t tell them, and what you say to me is still between us.” His professional ethics didn’t change with the existence of uninvolved parents.

Sean didn’t respond to the harshness of her tone; he didn’t tell her to calm herself, and he didn’t snap at her. Instead, he treated her as though she had spoken to him gently, focusing entirely on the contents of her words. “Many non-telepaths are uncomfortable with telepathy and prefer it when I speak aloud, in response to their verbal cues. If you’d rather I didn’t do that, I won’t, but I do it for the benefit of other people, not for my own sake.”

That was half of it. As for the other half, “There’s also something to be gained from sharing at your own pace.”

With her question, the psychiatrist shook his head. “If you’d slapped him, I would do that with a lecture about why violence isn’t the answer. But this is a lot more serious, Adaryn.”

[Adaryn Breslin]

"I didn't even touch him. He crashed into me. He's the one who kicked me. He's the one who spat on me." Adaryn's voice continued to fall with every statement, with every word. It started as a pitiful plea, her voice raising up at the end of the statement and shaking. With each word it progressively started to lack emotion until it reached an uncharacteristic monotone. Addie was just falling into this pit of indifference as they spoke, her emotions being tightly locked away in the back of her mind. For now.

Did she care that she nearly died? No. Did she care that she was alive? No. Did she care that she could get weeks of detention for going against the rules? Not even in the slightest. This was how she coped with things: she shut down. She would hide herself away until the feelings of indifference faded. Did she care if Sean knew all the shit about her? Not anymore.

"I guess we can get started," She said, her tone not changing. "I want to die because my mother never speaks to me and blames me for everything that happened to my sister. I want to die because my little sister calls me a 'bad girl'. I want to die because my dad could care less about me as long as my mother is happy. I want to die because everything in this world is so damn screwed up. I want to die because every single day I am reminded of what has happened, what I have done." Adaryn stood up abruptly, ignoring the protests of her screaming ribs. She made no move to leave or move towards Dr. Neville, but she just couldn't sit there any longer. Her voice raised.

"I'm so sick of it! I'm so sick of living and having no friends. What is there to live for? Who is there to live for, Dr. Neville? Friends? I have none. Family? They hate me!" Adaryn was against the far wall now, her face against the cool barrier. Her head was in her hands as she sunk to her hands, tears freely running down her face. It wasn't an uncommon thing for her to be crying these days. She was shocked she could even produce them anymore. The picture of her lifeless sister on the bathroom floor flashed through her mind, and she choked out a sob.

"I have no one."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

While Sean agreed that Zac had been the one to commit violence against her, this was not a typical situation of one student attacking another, or one student bullying another, or two students engaging in some form of physical altercation. Zac had acted because she had manipulated him into doing so; that much had been conveyed to the psychiatrist before and during her travel to his office, and that had been confirmed through her surface thoughts. That made her the instigator of the altercation, and her willingness to let him go as far as he had, and even farther, was of grave concern.

That indifference to her life, and her desire to die, were what he wanted to address.

She did that for him, when she began to enumerate all of her family problems, punctuating each one with an increasingly less apathetic tone of voice.

When she asked the question, the psychiatrist took the opportunity to interject. “For yourself.” That was a valid motivation, the desire to live and grow for oneself, rather than for external validation. Desiring a social support network and a family were also valid, and her feelings of rejection were real; he would never deny that. But she needed to live for herself first.

Sean pushed himself to his feet, grabbing the box of tissues off his desk so she could dry her eyes. “You have me, now.”

She might not respond to that, but the psychiatrist had to put that out there.

[Adaryn Breslin]

"Yeah, great. I now have a psychiatrist who is legally allowed to lock me up in a mental institution as the only person I have." She was so tired. So exhausted. But that much was obvious in everything she was doing. How she managed to make it 16 years in life, Adaryn had no clue. Maybe it was because every time she tried, someone would find a way to break it up. They just needed to stop it. She is one out of seven billion on this map. She'd be better off six feet underground. Decomposition was good for the earth, anyway.

She finally turned around once more, and sat with her back up against the wall, facing Dr. Neville. Addie still didn't look at him though. She just sat there and blatantly insulted him. That, and she was still crying. With her head in her knees, she sat there for a few more minutes and just cried. All of the pain that she held in she was releasing now. She couldn't hold it in. If she did, it was only a matter of time before she just exploded again. God only knew what would happen then.

Finally, after she felt like her ribs would explode from the extraneous sobbing, the position she was in not helping that fact, she finally spoke up. "So what do you want me to say, Dr. Neville? I told you I was suicidal and why. I know you're going to punish me. School policy. So can't we just get on with it? There isn't much left about my life that you don't know."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean’s expression didn’t change at the dig and the expression of the defeat, at the fact that she had thrown his sincere offer back at him. He hadn’t expected her to take to it that quickly, certainly not in the state in which she found herself. However, this was a sensitive area for him. He believed in the need for psychiatrist facilities, in the same way that he believed in the need for hospitals for physical medicine. Yet, as with hospitals, they were not the first line of treatment.

More than that, there were many considerations when having a teenager committed. Doing so was not his priority, and he would far prefer to have her out, at Hammel, where he could check in with her, and where she could have a peer support network. “Regardless of how you see me, you still have me, and snark has never been enough to pry me away from anyone before.”

That was true. The psychiatrist did not pass on his students to other people unless there was an acute matter. Even when there was, he continued their treatment, personally overseeing everything that he could.

As she cried, Sean offered her tissues, and he settled near her. He didn’t try to touch her uninvited, but he also didn’t move away, so it would not seem as though he was abandoning her. He only adjusted his position when she lifted her head again, speaking with accusations. Those he could address.

“You and I will have to meet frequently,” the psychiatrist informed her, as he reached for his date book. This was partially necessary and partially for effect, since he did want to double check his schedule before making her appointments, as it wouldn’t due for him to have to shift around after the fact. At the same time, small acts to show that these meetings, and thus Adaryn herself, were a priority could go a long way in establishing the connection that they had to build.

Sean was aware that it would take a while, but he would do what was necessary.

With the book open, he returned his full attention to her. “Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.” And, not or. “Do you have a preference for mornings or for afternoons?”

[Adaryn Breslin]

His tone displayed the finality of the situation. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. She'd have detention for a while, but she supposed she deserved it. Supposed? No, she did deserve it. Adaryn almost ruined a child's life while trying to end hers. After screaming and getting all of the things that she had out of her system, she was beginning to regain her composure and sense. She was horrified at everything she did, at everything she said. Her ribs hurt, and all she wanted to do was tell everyone that she had hurt 'sorry'.

"Afternoon's, please." Her tone was defeated, but she was going to accept her punishment without another display of defiance. She was tired of fighting. Things such as this just wore her out, physically, mentally, and emotionally. This was Dr. Neville's first impression of her, she realized. Adaryn insulted his position, when all he was really trying to do, aside from punishing her, was help.

She finally looked up at him, and she noticed he was crouched down near her, his face turned down and a pen in his hand as he scribbled down something in that book of his.

Adaryn shifted, and before she stood up, she said quietly, "I'm sorry, Dr. Neville... I just... I'm tired. It doesn't excuse what I did, but I really am sorry."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The meetings had to take place, even if she had no desire to attend them. Sean was quite adamant in that, particularly in light of the danger and violation that the day had occurred.

“Afternoons,” the psychiatrist repeated to confirm what she had said. He then thumbed through his planner to find available timeslots. He didn’t meet with many students on multiple days, but for the ones he did, he tried to keep the timeslot consistent throughout the week. “When does your last class of the day end?”

If possible, he would have her sessions take place after classes, so as to cause a minimal disruption.

With her apology, Sean lifted his head, returning his full attention to her. He didn’t stand, because he didn’t want his height to cause her further nervousness, even though his current position was less than comfortable for his knees. “I know you are,” he replied, his voice gentle. “I imagine that you must feel utterly exhausted right now.” It was quite taxing to carry that load of self-loathing, depression, anxiety, and traumatic relationships with families around with oneself at all times, even more so during adolescence when one was all the more sensitive.

“This isn’t detention,” the psychiatrist added. “This is to help you.”

[Adaryn Breslin]

The girl had enough with her snark and bitterness towards the psychiatrist's words and statements. It was exhausting to act rude and pretend to hate. Adaryn realized he was doing his job, and he was also trying to keep her well and alive. Talking about her problems, whether she wanted to admit it or not, would help her. Her suicidal thoughts were gone, but in the place of such thoughts, exhaustion did arise. It didn't take a psychic to figure that out. Years of holding it in. No, not weeks. Not months. Years Adaryn held all of this information, this fear, this insecurity, within the depths of her own mind for years.

When Dr. Neville mentioned it wasn't detention, she held her tongue. It was detention, whether it helped her or not. She was relieved to expel these emotions now, but she probably wouldn't feel like that on Monday. Or Wednesday. Or ever. She'd probably be terrified, really. Adaryn knew herself. She wouldn't probably be terrified; she would be.

"Yes, sir." She wasn't quite sure how to answer him, but she couldn't just stay silent. Because of this, she opted for the awkwardly formal response, which made her physically cringe on the inside.

"So... may I please go."

This entire ordeal had caused her to tire, but it also caused her to think. Think about the things she had done. Things she had said. She... needed to say sorry. She needed to apologize to everyone she hurt. Well, maybe not the kid in the field. That would probably have to be at a later time.

"I... want to apologize to some friends. Actually, I need to." Adaryn started slowly. Her ribs did hurt, but that wasn't important right now. What mattered at this point was her conscience. Adaryn was beginning to clear it, much to her relief. However, she had to completely cleanse herself to feel completely better.

"I'm fine now, or at least, relatively speaking. I don't feel the need...to die now. I just, really screwed up a friendship and I want to try and mend something while I'm feeling okay to open up."

She bit her lip and let her useless mental block fall. If he wanted to see, she'd allow it. The only thing she thought of was apologizing to Travis, so there was nothing she was trying to hide. The brunette was too drained to hide.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

In a typical situation, Sean would inform her that she needn’t call him Sir. However, her fragile emotional state and her unrelenting exhaustion were obvious, and the psychiatrist saw no need to lay into her about proper forms of address at this time. It was enough that they had scheduled the appointment times, and, after making sure that he had the blocs of time set aside, they could end for that.

With her question, Sean took the moment to study her. Her stance, her facial expression, her thoughts as they were projected. He wanted to make sure that she didn’t pose a risk to herself, or a risk to others insofar as she might manipulate them as she had with Zac.

He heard nothing that made him believe that she was being dishonest. He would have to keep an eye on her, and he needed her to be medically cleared as well. However, for the moment, she did not need to remain in his office. As such, he replied, “You need to go down to the infirmary first, for the bruising, but then you can go apologize to anyone that you believe warrants one.”

Because of the medical necessity, this was not something that could be negotiated. However, Sean was confident that the time in the infirmary would not be extensive, and then Adaryn would be free until their first official session. After she had taken some time to reflect.

[Adaryn Breslin]

So there was no getting out of going to the infirmary. Adaryn considered a groan, but decided against it. The quicker she left to have her injuries checked out, the sooner she could get to Travis and apologize to him. It was sad what she did to herself, but she didn't have much time for self pity. She had to mend the things that were broken before it was too late.

"Alright," Adaryn responded with a defeated sigh. She would go to the infirmary and get checked out. The question was, was he doing to let her go on her own, or would he escort her personally? To go there alone, well, she didn't want to explain what had actually happened. Having Dr. Neville there with her, well, it may make it easier.

"Uh, Just... one thing?" She shifted from one foot to another. "Is there anyway you can...come with me?"