Unrehearsed Reverb (Rowan)

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

In the latest months, Lucy had once again grown accustomed to sleeping on her own. She was alone, but she wasn't lonely. She also wasn't really sleeping, though she refused to designate why her sleeping patterns had once again gone awry. It might have had something to do with sleeping almost a whole day after she got ridiculously drunk with her closest friends at the school dance. Rowan had even stayed that night. Fortunately for Lucy - and she would say it was because she was Australian - she had a very vivid recollection of the walk back to her room.

It involved busting through the door into the common room and shouting harsh profanity (akin to but not limited to the likes of; f*ck off you little homo, my Row-Row doesn't need your sh*t) in the direction of Alex's room until Rowan had the good sense - and coordination - to pick her up and carry her into her own room.

Her free time was greatly taken up by the presence of her dear friend Rowan. It and her gaming addiction kept her mind perfectly clear of thoughts of a little blue haired shitfaced liar who had the ability to make her skin crawl with pure, unadulterated hatred.

Lucy was zen. As zen as an Australian with anger issues could get.

That night, she received a peculiar yet not unexpected text from Rowan. He was - as he did sometimes - asking about where Alex was. Lucy replied that she was pretty sure he went out about an hour ago and hadn't yet returned. And in her true fashion, she went out and unlocked the door, because the news her message sent meant Rowan would likely turn up any minute. Returning to the comfort of her own bed, Lucy sat herself down with a pencil and an empty page, perusing the clear surface for a moment or two before touching tip to the immaculate surface.

[Rowan Booker]

The Halloween dance, a very unwelcome memory now. Even in the hazy blur, he could still remember the fight he had with a certain brunette whose name passed through his mind frequently. Words were thrown at each other, harsh remarks and as if Rowan's filter couldn't get any worse, it surprisingly had. He didn't know the reason behind why Alex was constantly flinching from anyone's touch. And it wasn't as though he had any room to judge anyway. He hated being touched, but in a different sense of the word. He hated intimacy...and yet he let him get too close for comfort without pushing him away (at least in the moment).

Why should he feel bad? What had he done wrong? Alex knew his reputation. He knew what he was getting himself into. And he was the one that took advantage of Rowan's vulnerability! Rowan was so freaked out about Beatrice and what was going on with her at the time that he let Alex in without listening to his better judgment because he never thought anything would come from it. For all he'd known at the time, Alex hated him. And now he was right. The brunette retrocog did hate him. But this wasn't all Rowan's fault, and he'd be damned if he was taking the blame for everything. After all, it hadn't taken Alex long to move on anyway.

Rowan had to admit, if he hadn't been with Lucy, the whole night probably would have sucked. But she made everything bearable. He was there to keep her preoccupied and away from someone anyway and in the end, it resulted in them both stumbling back to her dorm, her screaming profanities at her roommate and him hauling her loud ass back into her room so she'd shut the hell up. He loved her though, one of the few that understood him, despite not knowing all of the reasons behind his fucked-upedness.

Lying in his own room, avoiding all of the estrogen that was in his dorm, he shot her a quick text. He really needed to talk to her, the way that he'd been there when she was going through the pain of 'heartbreak,' he needed her to be there for him. He needed her to tell him that he was being stupid and that feelings were for the weak. The more he thought back to what had happened between him and Alex, the worse he felt. When she told him that Alex wasn't there, he jumped at the opportunity and bolted from his room, past the fru-fru girls that weren't bangable in his room and headed to hers instead. By the time he got there, the door was unlocked and he slipped his way in, leaning against her door-frame. "Hey, Lucky," He said quietly.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

This time, Lucy had the capacity to look up at him when he opened her door and made himself known. But she didn't need to look at him to get that something was going on. At first she didn't answer. Her eyebrows furrowed in some kind of disappointment - maybe she was annoyed at herself for something. Maybe she didn't register that he might have needed help.

"Jesus, you look like shit." She said initially. It wasn't really the truth. But it wasn't really a lie either. He just didn't look like himself.

With a small tilt of her head, she indicated in the direction of the bed. That he could sit if he wanted to. But she knew he liked the strange comfort of the door frame. So she eventually dropped her head again, her eyes going back to the paper in front of her; "What's up, Dewitt?"

[Rowan Booker]

Her response would have made him laugh if he wasn't so...numb. That's what it was. All of the life that he was usually filled with was just gone and it was like he couldn't feel anything anymore. Except for pain and guilt. Maybe even regret. He didn't know, he didn't care. He just wanted it to go away. He wanted comfort, but yet he didn't know how to get it. Not from her, surely because they weren't the type to comfort. But he needed her. He needed his best friend, the one that knew him better than anyone ever would because she understood what it was like.

When she tilted her head towards the bed as an offer, he just shook his own in response and kept himself propped against the door frame. It wasn't comfortable in the sense of soft and cuddly, but it was stable. And right now, he could use all of the support he could get so that he didn't crumble to the ground like he was so sure he would. Rowan was just thankful that her eyes were no longer on him because he could only imagine what hell he looked like. The deepest pit of hell were you belong, his cruel sub-conscious mind said. It was true though, and he knew it.

"Luce...I've got a...I've got a problem," He stammered, gulping near the end of his sentence. How was he supposed to tell her that he thought he was starting to fall for her roommate? He was not that guy. He didn't crush, he didn't fall for anyone, he didn't feel. "And I don't know how to fix it..."

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Because he didn't laugh, Lucy knew she was supposed to worry.

Guilt wasn't something he wore well. It didn't suit him. Most negative emotions - aside from bitching someone out in style - didn't suit him. The concept of regret was even worse. But she couldn't really be sure what she was seeing on his face. It'd been too long to recognise those emotional responses he was offering, if she'd ever seen them on his face at all.

She didn't look back up at him when he started talking. She figured it was easier if she didn't. People often felt the weight of her gaze; compassion wasn't the kind of emotion she kept in her dark eyes. "Is someone pregnant?" Lucy asked. A problem he didn't know how to fix; that could have been it, right?

[Rowan Booker]

Rowan often found it easier to talk when he didn't feel pressured, and by pressured, he meant with looks. When someone watched him, he froze up like a clam when he was expressing what he felt. Feelings weren't something he knew well, the only way he ever showed them was through dancing and even then, it was very rarely anything deeper than what he showed on the surface. He hated dwelling on the negative, that was what made life boring and miserable. He lived in the moment, soaking up everything he could and just having fun with what he had.

So to feel guilty, to feel...broken, he didn't know how to put it into words. And he definitely didn't know how to tell Lucy. It was easier playing things off, ignoring all of the problems that built up around him and just letting go. But this wasn't something he found very easy to let go of. Maybe it would be if he didn't have thoughts of the brunette boy plaguing his mind constantly, making the crushing guilt become overwhelming. He didn't even need to see the boy for it to get worse. All he had to do was imagine him curled up and crying because of Rowan's harsh last words.

It was so frustrating!

"No, Lucky. Not pregnancy, though that would probably measure up to be as sucky as this," He said void of emotion. Thankfully, he'd never had the scare of getting a girl knocked up, he was way too careful about things like that for it to be even remotely possible. "You remember what I said...to...to A-Alex at the dance?" The name alone barely passed through his tightening throat. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why did he have to feel bad about something that wasn't entirely his fault?

...because he knew that it was his fault.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

At his reply, Lucy offered a small, almost insignificant shrug. Hey, it'd been a legitimate issue. He wouldn't be the first of her friends to run into the issue of potentially knocking a girl up. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything. Or even thought it. It was tied to another painful entity - a douchey up-his-own-ass blonde she wanted nothing to do with.

She stopped the tip of the pencil, midway through a fluently curving line atop another, and another, and another. Holding steady, she did look up at him again.

Her eyes were... A little wide. Unfurling her folded legs, the Australian set her book aside and moved towards the edge of the bed, pressing her feet to the ground. She wondered if she should stand.

"No." She derived the sound from a clear-cut realisation. She pointed towards him with the end of the pencil, a scrutinising expression catching onto her dark eyes; "No no, no. You're joking. You feel bad about that, don't you!"

[Rowan Booker]

Her reaction wasn't shocking to him. Perhaps it should have been because anyone else wouldn't have been able to draw conclusions from such little information. Lucy knew him well though, well enough to know what he was thinking despite little disclosed information. She was like an expert in all things Rowan Booker, which took a lot depending on who the person was. There were only two people that truly got him. One of which was this beautiful Australian girl in front of him, the other his flesh and blood.

She seemed frustrated in a way, not that he could blame her. Still, he didn't know what he was supposed to say. Wasn't it obvious that she was spot on? That she was always right? How could he tell her that he was not only feeling guilty for his words, but that he hadn't wanted to hurt Alex intentionally...at least not like that.

And how could he tell her that it was all out of jealousy because he felt something towards Alex? He should have just put his foot in his mouth and kept it there, it kept him from having to speak. And it kept him from saying stupid things.

But he couldn't just leave her hanging, or she'd draw her own conclusions...and she'd probably guess right with as smart as she was. "Well..I mean...I didn't mean to say something that harsh and it was kind of hypocritical, Lucy." Majorly hypocritical because he was just as bad if someone tried being intimate with him and tried touching his no-go zone.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Rowan was rarely a quiet person. His disposition in the very beginning of this conversation was almost all the Australian needed. It wasn't that he was a readable individual by any means. But she knew him. Like he knew her. And that made certain barriers easier to see past.

True to form, in the silence she worked to draw her own conclusions. Maybe the doe-eyed roommate had somehow tugged at the Boston boy's heartstrings. Though how he found them, she'd never know.

"Tell me what you said that you want to take back." Lucy asked. Not because she didn't recall the conversation, but she clearly saw no problems with it. Obviously something had happened between them, she just didn't know what. "I've never known you to second guess anything you say, so..."

[Rowan Booker]

Her question, which came out as more of a gentle command, had him frowning. What did he want to take back? Everything! All of it! He wished he could just go back in time to when Alex came to his room seeking help and slam the door in Alex's face so that he never had to get close to Rowan. That had been his mistake, opening the door for the younger boy so that he could just waltz right into his mind and his heart. His irritation was no longer directed at the brunette boy, rather at himself.

Her second statement struck home and he frowned deeper. She was right. He very rarely second guessed whatever he said because typically he said it for a reason. This was no different except that he had been aiming to hurt out of jealousy and that was also something that Rowan never did. Jealousy didn't suit him and it never had until he saw Alex with Ryder.

"I dunno, I mean...I do...but," He stammered and raked his fingers through his hair. "I feel bad because I was hypocritical. Snapping at him because he flinches whenever people try to touch him. I'm no different. I don't know his story, I never should have judged based off of what I saw," She didn't need to know to the extent of which he'd touched Alex. And she didn't need to know that he regretted saying anything to Alex period because that would lead to her finding out.

And he just couldn't have that could he?

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Lucy wasn't used to this side of Rowan. She could deal with it, sure, but... This side of him was ill fitting. It was uncomfortable that he was uncomfortable, and it made her want to shift around aimlessly instead of sitting still on the edge of her bed. Lucy struggled to just be present in the moment; to sit idly by and let him talk things out without any interjection. Without any movement.

"Judging is kinda... What you do." Lucy replied finally, offering a small, almost insignificant shrug with her shoulders. In short, Lucy figured Rowan knew Alex was a flincher because they'd hooked up. It was the natural reaction; the natural progression. Rowan would touch anything that moved if it let him, and Alex was the kind of person a personality like Rowan's could overwhelm. "I'm not saying it's a bad thing. But shit, what're you saying? I mean, I was there too. You went looking for a fight and you got one."

She held no judgement about that. Picking arguments was her specialty. "You did go looking for a fight, didn't you?" She asked suddenly, her mentality kicking into high gear; "Isn't that why you wanted to go up to the guy in the first place?"

[Rowan Booker]

Okay, okay, she was right. Rowan Booker was quite the judgmental bastard. In fact, that was something he often took pride in. He passed judgment better than anyone (except maybe Lucy) and he could make anyone feel amazing or horrible in a matter of seconds just because he knew where to strike and how to strike. It was a skill, really. But this wasn't the same. Yes, he was aiming to hurt. No, he didn't want to succeed. Alex didn't deserve to be hurt like that by someone who was supposed to be avoiding him.

And as usual, she was right. He had been picking a fight. He was pissed off, drunk and hurt, but he only let the anger and drunkenness show. Why should Alex get to see him hurt? Just because Alex went off and hooked up with someone else? Rowan wasn't like that, he didn't show how much things affected him. He reacted in the only way he knew how, which was degrading and patronizing people because he was a condescending asshole to them. He was merely playing his part.

"Hell if I know, Luce. I was shit-faced by the time we even got the dance. I shouldn't even remember what the hell I said. I don't know what I set out to do. If I wanted to pick a fight, I don't know why it would be with Alex. He's nothing more to me than another pretty face," That had a firm grip on his heart and wouldn't let go no matter how horrible Rowan was to him.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

"Okay." Lucy said simply. She knew as well as anyone that people often opted to be their most truthful in their drunken state. It released inhibitions and cast away doubt - it made people feel unstoppable against their own insecurities. And he knew that too. But he wanted her to buy it? Well, usually the eldest Serrano would buy whatever stories he was selling.

She knew she shouldn't ask. She felt the words burning at the back of her throat, in conjunction with her own mental warning; "So, if that's true then why apologise?" Lucy started, "You do and say a lot of things you probably don't mean. Hell, you piss off the shy and not-so-shy for kicks and that doesn't seem to bug you. Most people who have run ins with you don't deserve it. But they know you don't mean half the shit you say anyway. So there's no point in apologising." The Australian paused. She was the same way. She didn't mean to shout about how Alex was an undeserving little homo, but she wasn't going to go apologise for it.

"What makes Alex different?"

[Rowan Booker]

Rowan relaxed when she accepted what he had to say about how the alcohol made him do stupid things. But as he relaxed, he knew that it would be short-lived. If she didn't question him, he'd never be able to get this off his chest. No, he didn't necessarily want to tell her what he was really feeling, but he needed her to tell him that what he was feeling wasn't real. Or that it was stupid. He needed his best friend to know everything because frankly that's what she was there for. If he couldn't confide in her or Beat, then he didn't have anyone.

Before he could open his mouth to voice his concerns, she started talking again. Internally he could have smiled because this was what Lucy did. This was why they were friends. She always dug a little deeper to get to the problem, even if she typically acted as though she believed his claims. Rowan really was happy that he had someone like her to talk to. No bullshit tolerance. He nodded along with what she had to say and shrugged in response to the first question that had been unanswered previously. That wasn't the question he really felt needed answered.

It was her second that he was waiting for.

"Lucky, you remember how you told me about that girl that somehow managed to slip her way in to letting you feel things for her?" He asked in response. Rowan didn't want to open old wounds for her, but he knew Lucy would understand he was trying to make her really get what it was that made Alex different.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Lucy almost felt awkward in the small stint of silence between her question and his answer. Almost. It wasn't worth the emotional response, and yet it was difficult to keep at bay. She wondered if she should have left it as it were. It wasn't like Rowan had pushed her for answers when they were talking not too long ago.

But he'd gotten them anyway.

At first she refused to acknowledge the bitter taste in her mouth at his question. She didn't want it to be a thing; the way those memories clashed with her attitude. She was done being angry about it. Or rather, she was done with the senseless side of that aggression. But his choice of words were fitting, there was no denying that. How she managed to slip her way past the defenses of the Australian's mentality was a mystery.

"Yeah..." Lucy replied, drawing the word out slowly as she stood up. She folded her arms before her chest - a classic point of defensive body language. "What're you saying?"