Save Me From The Dark (Sean)

[Adaryn Breslin]

Adaryn was falling deeper and deeper into the hole she was digging, and now lacked the resources to pull herself back out. Her schoolwork was lacking, which was typical for the girl when in such a state, and she didn't want to feel that way anymore.

Why was this happening? Well, she blamed it on the nightmares that plagued her night by night, and the lack of sleep combined with the inevitable self hatred was just causing her to lose it. So instead of having another relapse and potentially killing herself like she wanted to last time, she came to Dr. Neville, not sure, but hoping, it would work to her benefit.

The girl wrapped her arms around her midsection in an attempt to comfort herself, and only pulled an arm away to knock on the office door of the school psychiatrist, hoping this would help her with her issues and eventually side track her mind from what the path it was originally on.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean Neville was an inherently hopeful person, although he was a pragmatist. The psychiatrist was aware of the myriad ways in which life was unfair, some of which were the result of other people’s choices, either in the past or in the present, and others which were the result of nature, such as meta-human side effects and adolescent hormones and neurochemistry in the brain and the limitations that went hand-in-hand with aging.

Still, Sean wanted to do everything he could to ease those burdens with other people. He was only one man, bound by his personal system of morality, by professional ethics, and by the natural limitations of reality. Still, he did what he could, and, if he had the ability, he would do even more. Because, through and through, the psychiatrist cared about those around him. He cared about the students more than many realized. That was why he kept the hours at Hammel that he did, why he stayed with them throughout frustrations, professional and personal crises, and why he maintained an open door policy.

It was also why he kept tabs on so many students, even ones who had yet to come through his office.

The psychiatrist was familiar with Adaryn Breslin, even if she wasn’t one of his usual suspects. He knew from her file that she had fallen behind on schoolwork, and that there had to be a cause for that. Thus, when he sensed her outside his office and heard the knock at the door, he called, “Come in, Adaryn.”

[Adaryn Breslin]

It was still unnerving how Dr. Neville was able to determine who was outside his door without even a voice to claim the identity of the patient. It had to go hand in hand with his power, and Adaryn realized that fact, however, it did little to ease her mind. She almost began wondering why she was even there, but knew exactly as she asked herself the question: She needed help. Desperately.

The brunette opened the door, slowly, and entered the room with small footsteps. Eye contact was something that she could not maintain, especially in times like now. She took her seat in the designated spot in the front of his desk. Eyes downcast, the empath played with her thumbs as she sat under the gaze of the school psychiatrist.

"I'm tired," She started, going no further than those two words.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Unsurprisingly, Sean found nothing disconcerting about his ability to distinguish between different people using only his mind. He viewed his telepathy as another sense, the way that non-psychics viewed hearing or touch: it was a vital way of learning about the world, and it was a tool through which he could better assess others and experience reality.

The psychiatrist simultaneously thought of his telepathy in terms of the mundane and pragmatic as well as those unique experiences that set him apart from non-psychics. Every mind had a sound and feeling of its own, just like a voice and face were memorable via hearing and sight respectively. Why shouldn’t he recognize those within his range?

That was a philosophical matter for another day.

Sean made sure that the door was shut, to give them privacy. Given that Adaryn entered so quietly and without looking him in the eye, he thought that she might value the sense of sanctuary that came when free of prying eyes and eavesdropping.

“There are reasons to be tired.” Winter made people tired, and the spring thaw had yet to fully hit Vermont. Adolescence made people tired, due to the changes in the body and emotional development. Being in high school made people tired, both the rigors of academic performance as well as peer pressure and maintaining social status amid varying interactions with peers and adults. Powers made people tired.

Adaryn was an empath.

Gently, he asked, “Are you sleeping?”

[Adaryn Breslin]

"No," She admitted.

But that wasn't entirely true, was it? Technicalities dictated that she did indeed sleep, but not very much. Every dream she had was plagued with nightmares, and there was only so many times she could text Monroe in the middle of the night before he found out that there was something going on with her. But Dr. Neville didn't want those technicalities; he wanted to get to understand what was wrong with her, and telling him she was sleeping when she was barely getting an hour a night was practically lying in itself.

"Nightmares." It seemed her words being kept to a minimum, just like her eye contact. Her hands, however, weren't as still; her fingers picked the fabric of her cardigan, tapped her knee, and periodically found themselves trapped between her inner thighs or resting against each side of her torso. If she didn't keep them moving, she felt she might be sick.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had treated enough people with sleep difficulties – and lived with one – to know that No, I am not sleeping did not mean that one literally had not slept for the time period in question. Absent certain illnesses, certain meta-human abilities, and the intervention of torture, human beings required sleep and found it when and where they could. Still, not all sleep had the same quality, and poor, interrupted sleep had only minimal positive benefits.

The psychiatrist’s expression grew sympathetic, as he was no stranger to nightmares. He had them occasionally, had had them more frequently when he was younger. His partner suffered nightmares several times per week. Some of the students with whom he met suffered from nightmares, which impeded their desire or ability to sleep and caused problems socially, emotionally, and academically.

“Nightmares can be difficult,” he offered.

There existed various methods of coping, all of which depended on the underlying cause. If Adaryn’s powers caused her nightmares, then that was a matter for her trainer, at least in part. If there was another cause, finding a solution necessitated finding the root. The psychiatrist knew of a medication that could suppress nightmares, although that had not been its initial purpose. Medication was often a last resort for most people.

“Would you like to talk about them?”

[Adaryn Breslin]

Adaryn found herself appreciating the little things within this encounter, and his voice being one of them. The low hum was a soothing tone, one that she could easily fall asleep to right there. Behind his words, he extended an offering of sorts, one that for once, the brunette could take. Comfort. Understanding. In that moment, despite her fears, Addie finally felt she did the right thing, that she made the right choice.

Would you like to talk about them?

How could she start off? He knew she had plenty of issues with her mother, and sometimes the woman would continue to haunt her dreams, but it wasn't just that any longer; it was now Monroe and Eloise, falling for one another, laughing in her face as she cried. The Brunette truly had little faith in those around her, or rather, little faith in herself. Little faith in the fact that she could be worth something, more specifically.

"They just... always remind me I'm not good enough, that the world could be a better place without me."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean did know about the issues with her mother, and he wished that the physical distance between them was enough to provide some degree of security and comfort. However, escaping toxic impressions from family was never that easy. More was the pity.

Certain phrases served as immediate red flags, sometimes as suicide ideation and sometimes simply as indication of depression. The world could be a better place without me topped the list as a red flag, without delving into clearly articulated threats and unambiguous statements of intent.

However, in a situation such as this, the psychiatrist had to choose his words carefully and monitor his tone. He needed to correct her, needed to explore why she believed that about herself, but he had to do so gently, not reprimanding her or making her believe that she had done something wrong, or that she was in trouble, or that he was judging her.

That could serve instead to create further isolation and worsen her self-opinions.

His voice was as gentle as it had been a moment ago, as he asked, “Why do you think you aren’t good enough?”

Not why would you say that? which made it sound like the problem was articulating her thoughts and sharing with him. Rather, he wanted to delve at the root of the true issue, and he wanted her to feel safe articulating those thoughts, expressing herself as need be.

[Adaryn Breslin]

There was a reason why she had come, and that wasn't just because she wanted to get out some minor issues. Adaryn had been paying attention to her behavior, more so than usual, because she could feel herself slipping, falling deep into that pit of depression that had been sitting idle and waiting for her to make a mistake. Addie had made that mistake, but it was out of her control to fix; she simply had to wait it out, and see what would happen. It killed her inside.

"I-I'm not suicidal," Adaryn clarified, knowing that she should let him know of this fact before hand, "But I'm afraid if I don't say something now, I'm going to continue and then... well... I don't want to think about that."

Her hands twitched and her lip quivered, knowing full well that she needed to release the things that ailed her before it was too late, but also afraid that something would happen to her if she did. These weren't just her issues, but they were her issues, as well.

Her mouth opened, as if to speak, but she quickly shut it. How to say it? How to start it?

She tried again.

"It's just," Adaryn paused, arms shifting to hold wrap her arms across her midsection. "I don't ask for much, I don't want much. But if I find something I do want, I get a glimpse of what it's like to have it, and then it's subsequently ripped from my hands." Monroe, for instance. She didn't know what it meant to love someone yet, but she did know she really cared about him. She wanted to be the one he kissed without regrets, but she could always feel that uncertainty within his emotions when he looked at her, when he spoke to her, when he kissed her, because he was supposed to love another girl.

That statement also was relevant to her happiness. For a brief time, she was happy and excited about life, acting as if she truly had no care, and then what happened? The nightmares started again, her own uncertainty was uncovered, and she began falling backwards. She felt as if she escaped from her prison and reached twenty feet outside before being dragged back, chained, and sentenced to watch the outside world, knowing that she could no longer reach it even though it was so close.

"I know life isn't fair, and I can't get everything I want, but can't I at least have something? I feel like all I'm doing is taking up space and resources that could be given to someone who matters, instead of someone who can't even manage to stay happy for more than a month."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had not accused her of being suicidal, but he was grateful for the reassurance. He always found it helpful when patients and students understood the implications of their words, as it allowed them to have a deeper conversation. “I understand, and it was brave and responsible of you to come here.” Truly, it was, and he wanted her to know that.

Voice still gentle, he said, “The world isn’t a meritocracy. That is not a lecture, but it’s something to keep in mind. Not because you want something and can’t have it, but because there isn’t some mystical person who deserves to be in this world more than you do.” The psychiatrist wanted to make that clear, because his focus was on her needs, not on stifling the notion of reaching for something more.

Sean then shook his head, to himself rather than in response to anything else that she had expressed to him. Her thoughts were heavy, but he caught glimpses of what had set off this train of thought. Affection and relationships were an important part of many people’s lives, and they took on more pronounced significance during adolescence. He understood that.

“Being unhappy doesn’t make you unworthy.” The psychiatrist might lay this on thick, but he wanted to make that clear. Not because he worried that she might hurt herself, but because it led to a cycle of negative thoughts. Depression was insidious because of how it magnified one’s flaws to one’s perceptions and hid one’s better traits. Depression was a black hole that sucked away all of one’s perspective. “It can be difficult struggling with this, so I’m very glad that you came to me.”

[Adaryn Breslin]

"Doesn't it, though?" Adaryn was already growing tired of speaking, and she could feel herself slipping away and shutting off. He was listening, yes, but did he truly understand what she was trying to say? It wasn't the fact that she wasn't getting what she wanted. It was because everyone else seemed to take the things that she desired, and it was obvious that because good things were consistently being taken away from her, there had to be a reason, right?

If she deserved to be here, the days wouldn't go by with anxiety-filled thoughts and feelings of uncertainty. All Adaryn was doing was bringing the world down around her, which wouldn't be happening if she had never existed. Monroe wouldn't be so conflicted, her parents would still have Louise, Sebastian wouldnt feel so hurt that Monroe had asked him if he were wrong. She was trouble, and that trouble would be nonexistent if she, too, did not exist.

"I mean, what do I do? I was happy for a little while... I was laughing and smiling and everything was fine. But then... Everything just started happening again, and I don't know what I did to het to that happy place. I just want to get back."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“No, it doesn’t.” Sean was firm in that opinion, even though his voice remained as gentle as it had been since the beginning of this conversation. He would not cede that to her, as it wasn’t a universal truth, and he could not allow Adaryn to think of herself in such terms. To do so was poisonous, and she had already absorbed enough of that at home; she certainly needed no further self-flagellation. “If it did, very few of us would be here, and fewer of us would believe it.”

The world was often filled with trials and tribulations, with stress and strife. Even those who had privilege and relative security suffered setbacks and unhappiness from time to time. Even those in miserable situations could find fulfillment in some area of life. The world was too filled with spectrums of gray to begin to approach the notion of worthiness.

Her lament provided the segue needed for them to have a deeper conversation. “Let’s talk about happiness,” the psychiatrist suggested. If Adaryn became recalcitrant to provide details about the situation that prompted her visit, then Sean would give examples from his own adolescence until she became willing to open up a bit more on this particular subject. “What made you so happy? And what started happening again?”

Everything was so vague a description as to provide no illumination. Everything could be the situation with her mother. Everything could be a love triangle. Everything could be a fight with a friend. Everything could be the pressures of school eating away her free time. Everything could be her side effects taking their inevitable toll.

[Adaryn Breslin]

Adaryn's head fell; he didn't understand, he really didn't understand what she was trying to say. Or maybe it was the fact that she couldn't understand why he didn't see the validity in the reasons why she was upset? The Empath wasn't making any difference in the world, so why should she have been there in the first place, you know? Adaryn didn't want to believe that he may have been right, but then again, she knew he was.

The steering of the subject by the psychiatrist was very much a relief, especially since it would be a brighter subject. Happiness. What did she do to become happy? Addie had no freaking idea.

"Well... I started sleeping more," she started, finally making some sort of eye contact with the man in front of her, albeit brief, but still more than she provided in the beginning of the session. "My nightmares sort of faded... but I also felt like for once in my life... things were going my way, I guess."

A bitter reminder that that was no longer the case, but she swallowed that bitterness down. "I made friends."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean understood what she thought, and he had an idea of why she thought it, how she had arrived at those conclusions. However, he fundamentally disagreed, and that led to the difference in their respective ideas.

That was a complicated jumble of interrelated emotional issues, and the psychiatrist listened attentively while Adaryn described the effects of happiness in her life. When she finally met his eyes, he kept her gaze, his nothing but open, rather than scrutinizing.

Sleep was a good start. Sleep held the key to emotional, mental, and physical help in ways that both neuroscience and biological science continued to discover with each new study. Likewise, her nightmares fading also served as a key benefit that would tie into the rest of it. It meant that she was processing more positive experiences, rather than merely negative ones, and it would add to uninterrupted and better quality sleep.

Then they reached what Sean considered to be the crux of the matter. Perhaps Adaryn did not. However, he knew how socially isolated the empath could be, and he knew from personal experience the toll that could take on an adolescent.

“Do you want to talk about what happened with them?” She need not give names, and, if she preferred not to discuss them at all, he would abide by that. Still, in a conversation about relationships, friendships – both starting them and ending them – were important.

[Adaryn Breslin]

Did she? Did she really want to get into the topic of Monroe, Eloise, and Sebastian? Did she really want to go into the fact that the one boy she ever liked -and who liked her back, no less- was predestined to be with a girl he couldn't even seem to stand? But while the precognate could have misinterpreted the vision, something was going to happen between them no matter what. And not knowing caused her anxiety, stress, and just general depression because she had never liked anyone in the way she liked the dreamwalker, and that hurt.

What makes it even worse was that there would be stolen kisses here and there, hand holding, and laughing between them, but most importantly, there was distance. He was always an arms length away, which in turn deterred her from trying to get closer.

"There's just a lot of drama going on between all of us, and it's hard to deal with."