Noticing the Reflex

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

Lucy’s anger wasn’t something to be taken lightly; if anybody knew that, Penny surely did. She fought with the Australian for months before this, and even after, arguments continued to flow. Yelling matches. Items thrown. Everything.

And once, she offered to let Penny’s own aggression to be taken out on.

She wasn’t positive why that moment slipped to mind, and the words came out just as naturally as her lips brushed against Lucy’s. She needed to dispel her anger. Before Penny could wonder how Lucy would respond, she already was. How her dark eyes widened immediately. That undeniable tremble in her hands.

No, she said. And stepped away, but Penny followed every step to her dorm, never threatening to let go of her hand, just as her hand had squeezed her own. The door shut with a definitive click, and it was only then did Penny finally choose to speak again. There, in the privacy of her own dorm where memories were imprinted on every surface for the psychometrist’s eyes only.

“Why?” She asked, eyebrows twitching together in a moment as she stared back at the Australian.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

As Lucy chose the leading role, it was her who pulled them both out of the room and into a place more private. She kept her hand as steady as she could within the grasp of her counterpart. But as the door shut behind Penny, Lucy found herself wishing for her hand back. It was strange to want distance, but it felt more like a need. She didn't know what would happen if she didn't achieve a little space.

"Because that-" The Australian seethed, raising her hand and pointing towards the door just closed. But she stopped herself; unsure as to how that sentence might find its end.

It wasn't the point, anyway. At least, she was relatively certain that wasn't the answer Penny was looking for.

"That gets nothing from me."

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

To say it was jarring to be denied in such a way was an understatement. It was a first. She had never expected to have been told no when it came to anything like this between them. Penny’s fingers remained curled around the ink manipulator’s, unaware of her desire for distance.

To the Brit, it was the only way to keep her there. The contact that provided a grounding lifeline. To keep Lucy from walking out the door as she had threatened to only minutes ago.

She knew where Lucy pointed to, and so her gaze never faltered to look. She took in a short breath, pausing for a few moments before she tried to speak. “Okay.” She stated. A single word of acknowledgement. To be denied was harsh, but to hear why was practically clarifying.

“Don’t take it out on me.” She confirmed understanding, even as the sting still resonated. “But don’t pretend nothing happened.”

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

As comforting as it should have been, Lucy found the single worded response irksome. Then again, it was difficult not to let everything get to her now. She found herself with her nerves on edge; cut straight through and exposed like live wires.

She held her eyes shut in a brief moment, feeling the reversed repetition and struggling to let it settle. It was such a shift to be so understood in a moment of time - one so pertinent despite how much she wished it wasn't. Opening her eyes again, she quickly directed her gaze to their intertwined hands. Unable to get it back, the ink manipulator raised the other to run it through her hair.

The effort she put into her expression gave her nothing, and when she looked back towards her she knew how annoyed she looked.

"Don't you pretend." Lucy retorted, unable to keep the electricity from her tone.

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

Penny’s jaw clenched on instinct, between the spark within her counterpart’s voice and what she actually had said, it was impossible to hide any reaction. Putting on a front was a natural response. In the same way Lucy laughed at her roommate, Penny had given her nothing. A defensive mechanism to insure that someone believed they weren’t getting under their skin.

“You were going to leave.” She snapped, back straightening as she twisted her free arm, pointing to the same door Lucy had only moments ago. “You were about to walk out of here without a second thought about it.”

The slight rise in her tone with her accusation towards Lucy was impossible to ignore, even for herself as she looked again at the lion on her forearm. It was inevitable; to become irritated with her counterpart’s annoyance.

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Lucy faltered over the need to keep up with appearances. There in the hidden nature of her counterpart's dormitory, she'd done countless things she shouldn't have. She'd been harsh, cold, distant and angry. But neither of those prior engagements carried anything like this particular instance.

"You don't think I would've thought about it?" She asked instantly, dragging her voice to a lower tone with definite reason.

As she watched Penny's gaze drop to the unsettled, irked lion on her forearm she immediately placed her free hand within her sight line. A small click of her fingers and she was pointing back up to her face. It wasn't fair to give her a cheat sheet for whatever this was turning out to be.

"Because this is what I'm sticking around for? You so high above me because - why? You think someone has to have a bloody handle on this?" She scoffed in the break. And then she laughed; twisted, disjointed and as bitter as her expression. "What gives you the right to feel nothing?"

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

Maybe it wasn’t fair to look, but Penny couldn’t help herself but to. The irked lion irked the Brit herself, even if she had only caught sight of him for a moment before a hand blocked her view, the snap of fingers only irritating her further as she looked up at the ink manipulator.

She wanted to argue that no part of her thought she was higher than the Australian when it came to this. Penny faltered just as much as she had, in her own way. But such an argument seemed secondary, because Lucy didn’t understand her first point.

“No, I don’t.” She argued regardless, letting out a burning breath of irritation as her the fingers of her free hand curled into each other. “I don’t have the right to feel nothing, but you walked away assuming I would somehow handle it on my own!” She was yelling at this point, blood boiling in her veins, causing an ache within her fingertips. “I was never given the chance!”

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

So wrapped in the moment was Lucy that she honestly had no idea how Penny reacted to any of it. With her back to her, she didn't have the means to see anything, but she so clearly noticed the tell tale sign of the shifting ink on Lucy's arm. It was the first and only real time she'd ever wished she had a better grasp on them all, and that was daunting. Daunting enough to press her further towards the proverbial edge.

But being shouted at held enough force of its own accord.

"You sure as fuck act like you can handle it for the both of us. Or maybe the real solution is to push me and act like you know how I'm gonna feel about it!" Despite the way she fired such statements, Lucy hardly waited for any kind of response. The way the pieces fell into place in her head were impossible to keep to herself; "Like I'm just here so you don't have to think about it for yourself! That's what you need me for?" Finally, she took a breath, the searing in her lungs failing to settle with voices raised so high.

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

The fact that Lucy believed Penny could handle this was laughable, but unlike her counterpart, Penny couldn’t manage to, even in spite. Instead she forced in a long breath, the air doing nothing to cool the burning in her chest as she shook her head just slightly. “How can you tell what I’m thinking if you barely noticed I was there?” She questioned, readily recalling the lack of response she had received from her counterpart.

“I didn’t ask you to fight for me, you did it on your own terms! I didn’t push you to speak out like that.” The hand within her own felt burning against her skin, and finally Penny thought to let it go, but she felt trapped between needing it and wishing for some form of distance.

“Is that why you really think I’m keeping you?” She questioned, trying to hide the evident pain in her tone with more anger. “You’re an idiot if you do!”

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Lucy forced the breath she held from her lungs on instinct, the question she refused to answer ripping the air from her lungs. To say Lucy hadn't noticed her presence in the room was the highest stumbling point she'd encountered so far, but she doubted it would get any better or any easier from there.

Because she felt somehow penalised for the way she'd acted. Maybe it had been her intention to drag the ink manipulator out to spare her roommate's feelings. The idea did nothing to calm the boiled nature of her blood.

Unaware of Penny's wavering desire to keep her hand held, Lucy refused to let it go. She held it so tightly to remind herself it was there - that they were interconnected. It would have been so easy to lose her mind, here.

"Fine, fuck it. I'm an idiot. We're back to square one. Again." She shifted back, forcibly ripping her hand from the lifeline she'd only just held so closely; so intently she felt her skin stinging from the pressure she didn't realise she was giving. Her hand tracked to the lion instead, slowly running fingertips through its mane. Anything to try and settle it, but she knew she had absolutely no chance.

"But nobody gets to say anything like that! Not to you - not even about you!" Rocking her weight to her back foot, she pressed her palm towards the ink as she felt the residents above start to move, finding hidden comfort in the space on her back, "I'll never just fucking stand there and let them!"

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

Penny had called Lucy an idiot dozens of times, if not more. It was a natural point of almost every argument they had when they first met, and the months that followed. Really, it wasn’t until recently did Penny stop. Because she knew better; her counterpart wasn’t quite the idiot she always assumed she was.

But in this case, she was. The hand that pulled from her own felt as if a physical piece of herself was ripped away as well. The contact she had questioned only moments ago was immediately missed. Her hand, numb.

“You are if you believe I’m with you for something so shallow.” Penny shot back. Square one. If that was what she thought. Every word Lucy offered felt like another brutal attack, one that forced the Brit to take a step back now that distance was created and she didn’t know how to breach it.

Penny had every intention of fighting back; whatever Lucy threw at her the psychometrist was sure she could handle it. A while ago, Penny learned to know better than to expect what Lucy Serrano brought to the table, and she wasn’t sure why she assumed this was an exception to that rule. Because what the Australian offered next threw her off guard.

Her lips parted, but she faltered completely. So she closed her mouth, trying to force a breath that simply wouldn’t come as she stared at the Australian. Finally, when she could find the means to speak, her tone lost the edge she previously carried, but not completely. “Do you think I’m upset that you defended me?”

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

Prior tactics caused the Australian to laugh again. Like it was so unbelievable to have herself and everything she said twisted in such a way. There, in those particular moments, she'd been standing tall as a pillar. As Lucy ran her mouth. As she tried to leave. As she stood with her hand in her own. To somehow find strength to be that person simply didn't make sense to Lucy.

As she stepped back, Lucy did too - away from her, the door and everything they'd only just left behind.

As Penny lost her sharpened edge, Lucy failed to consider what was said as she would in any other instance. She failed to take a small mental step in order to think before she spoke. She had so many reasons to fall either way. The fast moving ink on her skin seared across the surface, finding themselves under the run of the material she wore instead. With her arm almost perfectly bare, all that remained was the one thing that kept giving her away. She took a shallow breath - to be at the forefront of so many personalities and memories was daunting. To find such a lack of control, more so.

"I don't know." She replied, her mentality drawing her back to the instance months ago where Lucy herself had blatantly brought the psychometrist's sexuality into conversation with the individual who invaded her dorm. How upset she'd been after. How she let her take it all out on herself. "I don't know why I bothered."

She held her eyes shut, turning on a heel to press her hand against the surface of her counterpart's desk. In an instance where she felt so very right, every step was suddenly wrong.

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

Lucy had been mean before. Cruel, even. But nothing stung as badly as hearing the ink manipulator wasn’t sure why she bothered. It knocked every bit of air from Penelope’s lungs, and her head tilted down on instinct, eyes squeezing shut as she found it physically impossible to take a breath.

The high she’d been living on within the previous weeks made her believe the misunderstandings were slowly drawing to an end. And now there was this.

“I’m glad you did.” She said, chest tightening as she held her eyes shut. Fists clenched as she tried to will the proper words to come. An essay on Shakespearean theory would have been easy in comparison to getting this right, but she still tried.

Because the last thing Penny wanted was for Lucy to question her actions about confronting her roommate. “I couldn’t have done that. I would have just taken it.” She continued, “You—“ She held the singular word a moment, feeling the tremble she felt in Lucy’s hands within her own. “I can’t let you go because I can’t handle it without you.”

She took a sharp breath, her body forcing a rush of oxygen to her lungs. “Please don’t regret it.”

[Lucy Serrano-Blaise]

It was the first sign of positive recognition for Lucy's actions, which were harsh in their own branded way. Anyone could shout at or argue with someone about the dismantled quality of their beliefs, and she knew that. But few could pinpoint the most uncomfortable thing and exploit it with a nonchalant tone and a clear face. Few could place their anger on the back burner for favour of tearing someone to pieces.

But the gratitude, genuine in its defined way, was everything.

Because with all she knew about Penelope Blaise, she knew there wasn't an ounce of her that could have taken such an onslaught. And she wondered how much she'd missed before she walked in the door in the first place. It was enough to make her wish she hadn't ever left.

She felt the tension shoot through her spine, causing her to straighten her back. As much as she knew Penny wouldn't have handled it the way Lucy had, she didn't exactly expect to be the proverbial pillar of strength she was looking for.

Regret. There was only one thing she could regret now, and it was the stance she'd taken. Frozen in place as she stared at the immaculately cleaned surface. Not because she willed the memories away, but because maybe she couldn't stop.

"You." Lucy tried, or perhaps it was the be all and end all of what she wanted to say. Everything wrapped up in a single word. Prior to this moment, it might have been all she needed to offer.

She pressed her palm to her forehead, feeling the quick beat of a steady headache forcing itself into her mind. The exhaustion of this conversation? The way her blood still boiled with righteous aggression? Or the fact that the ink underneath her skin had been so quick to hide.

But as she dropped her hand, she swung back around. The distance she'd inflicted burned her so intently she wasn't sure how to cross it again. A glance down at her feet and she took the first of many steps towards her. Close enough in such a short amount of time that she looked up again, but she'd lost her light.

"You are none of those things."

[Penelope Serrano-Blaise]

Had Lucy never come in, Penny didn’t know how events would have turned. There were very few opinions Penny cared about. Really, only one. Hers. It was everything. She was truly everything. And in no way did Penny at all care of what her roommate thought of her, at least she told herself. Still, every word the southern girl had offered was another painful point of verbal contact. And it still wore under her skin as she stood there.

It wasn’t a matter of caring if someone liked her or not. That was a concept the Brit grew used to years ago, but this felt entirely different.

But most of all, Lucy Serrano didn’t stand for it. She would never just stand there and let them. As Penny clenched her fists, she could feel nails imprint marks into her palms, threatening to draw blood if she had the strength to hold on any tighter.

Penny didn’t have to look to hear the shift her counterpart made. She longed for the severed contact again, and she felt the small twitch of her own fingers as they threatened to try and reach out. Just to feel her again.

And with that feeling, she wanted look up. With her arms bare, it almost felt wrong to look. They were hiding, so did that mean she didn’t want to be seen?

With her eyes remained shut, head still forced downward Penny parted her lips. She willed herself to say that she knew. That she believed the ink manipulator. The breath she held trapped every single response she could think to give, and as she finally was able to release it, a verbal response never came forth, instead just a hitch of breath.