Power Swap: Fakin' It (Chase)

[Dr. Sean Neville]

After parting ways with James, Sean sense of purpose caused him to focus. And instead of looking for Adam, he instead tended to parts of his job that didn’t affect him personally: namely making sure that Vincent lived to see the next morning and getting classes canceled for the sake of the students and possibly pending a faculty meeting.

He had sought out the first security person he could find and had warned him about the possibility of Verax and Rixon being in more danger than usual. Someone needed to keep them alive, and unfortunately Sean wasn’t in the best position to do so. He had also passed on a message to the rest of the medical staff as he headed past the medical offices towards Claude.

His meeting with the Head Master had been more nerve-wracking than it should have been, given that he and Claude were close friends and trusted co-workers. Unfortunately, something about being in the Head Master’s office coupled with his helplessness caused him to lose what false confidence granted to him by his obligations. Sean almost lost it, in front of one of the only people living who remembered what he looked like when he did lost it, but there was less fear now. After all, losing control of his powers wouldn’t result in Claude forgetting his name. Sean made his arguments but spent his time pacing, lest he sit down in a chair and begin shaking. They came to some compromises and Claude promised to call up their sister schools, as well as to alert the Board should it become necessary.

The emotional drain of the meeting made him want to vomit, and by the time it ended, the urge was as strong as it had been since he first realized what had happened. The psychiatrist didn’t try to find Adam, because he found it cumbersome and humiliating to actually have to go looking for someone as opposed to casting his mind outward, brushing another person’s mind, and having a conversation that way. How did other people cope with this?

In the end, he retreated to his office and shut the door. Wearily, he lay down on his sofa and turned on the secret flat screen television he kept in a cabinet that was usually locked and disguised as an equipment shelf. He desperately needed Robert to help him through this, but his mentor was dead and buried, leaving him alone. Without his mentor’s guidance, he was backsliding, and thus it was to be expected in some ways that he would return to his old coping mechanisms. And so he lay back watching old Hanna-Barbera cartoons on the Boomerang network, because they were mindless and familiar, and in that way comforting.

[Chase Campbell]

Today was a freaking weird day. Chase had woken up early, before James, which was in itself strange. And then there had been the business of his husband having a panic attack because his perception was just... gone. Oh, but he could now animate shadows. Yeah, that was new.

It was also new that James had let him into his head, let him test to see if his own powers were still intact. Chase had known the reasoning behind it. James wanted to be sure he was still capable of protecting Niko’s mind. Much as he hadn’t wanted to (he really didn’t want to see the look of terror in James’ eyes again), he’d done it. It had been subtle, just a gentle nudge, enough to keep James sane, and Chase not feeling horrible about himself. Enough to confirm that he was still in control of his own powers.

He’d gone to Hammel, same as always, after having breakfast with his family. Of course, his usefulness didn’t last long. Classes for training were cancelled until this mess was figured out, which left him with very little to do, except grading. Which he didn’t particularly like. But it was better than doing nothing, so he graded until James came down to visit him. They talked about his encounter with Sean, and once Chase realized he was supposed to be going to see him, and test his shields, he quickly abandoned his paperwork in favour of that.

He headed down to Sean’s office, arching an eyebrow at the shut door. That usually only meant one thing, but from what James had said, he probably wasn’t in the correct frame of mind to be giving out any advice today. He cautiously knocked before twisting the knob and pushing the door open. “Sean?” He glanced over to the couch, where his friend was lying. Watching... cartoons? “I didn’t know you had cable in here,” he teased, though it wasn’t in a cruel way. “I should come visit more often.” Of course, it would be football, or some form of sports he’d be wanting to watch. Though with Niko around, cartoons were fairly commonplace around their house now.

“Look, I talked to James. He said you wanted to test your shields? I can help you.” And then he blinked. There was a scent that he had once associated with Adam. He glanced at him. “... You... switched powers with Adam? That’s what James said?” He’d never been completely clear on what Adam could do. But whatever it was, it was sort of odd. But that could wait. He had to focus on Sean now.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean hadn’t looked up when he heard the knock on his door. It bothered him that he couldn’t say for certain who was outside his office, although he assumed it was James, Chase, or Adam. He had just seen Claude, so there was no reason for the Head Master to come looking for him, certainly not after he’d seen how out of sorts he was. Claude had even suggested that he have some water and rest for a while, undoubtedly remembering that was Robert’s standard advice to his teachers when he was a student. But he had spoken with James and the other man might want to check on him; or he might have told either Chase or Adam that they needed to talk and sent them to his office. At least he hoped it was one of them, because he couldn’t help any students right now.

When the door opened, he still didn’t turn his head, so far engrossed - to use the word loosely – in an episode of the Flintstones. However, he heard Chase’s voice and then looked over at the younger man, but only for a moment. He wasn’t in the mood to try to make eye contact; nor was he in the mood to respond to teasing in kind. “I wanted the BBC and had to upgrade.” Since the younger man wasn’t asking about the cartoons, he preferred to pretend that they were the usual fare for his office hours.

He sighed softly when Chase confessed to what he had suspected; James had spoken to him. He couldn’t fault the other man, since it was a matter of concern and Chase was his husband. At the same time, he didn’t have the energy to test his shields right now, because he didn’t believe that he would be able to cope should he no longer have the ability to shield. It was bad enough that he was useless due to the loss of his powers and to his inability to cope emotionally. But to be rendered a liability, with every secret he kept suddenly at risk? To have lost forty years of protection and work? The psychiatrist wasn’t ready for that.

But he was distracted from that train of thought by the question. Apparently it was obvious to everyone except him, since James had noticed immediately as well. “That’s what James thinks has happened. I wouldn’t know how to check.” He didn’t care to check, either, because for what reason would he possibly want to experiment? He sighed and tried to clear his head, to distract himself with a simple line of questions. “Are you feeling all right?”

[Chase Campbell]

The thought of losing one’s powers was definitely cause for concern. Chase had gotten a very good grasp on what his power was, and what it could do, regardless of the later manifestation. He didn’t use it a lot, but it came in handy, particularly with his husband, before Gabriel’s attack. It had been mindless, calming James down. As easy at breathing. A quick reach with his mind, and James could stop getting wound up and relax. It was harder now, of course. Using his power on his husband had been a reflex, and now he had to work to control it. But ever with that going on, if he’d been the one to lose his power... he’d probably be in the same boat James had been this morning, and Sean was now. At least James had cheered up somewhat, once he’d discovered the fun he could have with the shadows.

Retro cartoons weren’t strange, in Chase’s mind. Hell, he’d even tried to turn Niko onto them once or twice, but he didn’t seem all that interested. As he’d grown up, he’d actually managed to get more of the jokes now. So really, the fact Sean was watching them didn’t strike him as all that odd. It was more the fact that he was lying on the couch, watching television at all. “Huh. I think I might petition to have one in my classroom. ...As a teaching aid.” Yes, because I’m sure there are so many shows that will help with training the kids, Chase.

The trainer wanted to know what was going on around the school. He’d already seen a few students running rampant, some looking thrilled, some looked a little off, as they experimented with their new powers. Like the rest of the staff, he was worried about Vincent. Much has he hated the kid, if he’d lost regeneration... he’d probably be dead in a matter of hours, depending on what stupid stunt he was pulling. And he could only imagine the trouble someone could get into with Rixon’s flawed control over flame. This... could turn out to be a nightmare.

Chase cocked his head slightly, thinking. How did you check if pheromone manipulation was actually working for you? He knew Adam had good control of his ability. And it seemed that whatever control the original owner of the power had was translating over as well. He just shrugged. He’d never actually trained a pheromone manipulator. “I don’t really know how to check either, to be honest. But I’m pretty sure you’ve switched with him.” It was that smell. The smell that usually made Chase want to turn around and leave. Not because he found it particularly offensive, it was just that the scent was connected to Adam, and Chase did not like Adam. “I’m good, actually. Little confused about this whole thing, but good. I still have my power handy, which made James happy. He actually let me in his head this morning.” Weird or not, this thing was helping them make progress in rebuilding their relationship. He wanted to keep things that way.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I pay for the subscription out of pocket.” He was sorry to burst Chase’s bubble, or he would be if he was in a state of mind sensitive to such minutias or aware that the younger man might be teasing; but he also didn’t want him to make a proposal to Claude only to be turned down. This was also the extent to which he could carry on such an irreverent topic at the present time, since he was out of sorts. All he wanted to do was lay down and engage in a mindless, comforting activity such as watching these cartoons. Particularly since there was nobody to help him. Robert, the only man who would have the answers, had died; Claude didn’t know what to do, and Chase had been sent here to test his shields, which he couldn’t deal with at present.

“I trust your opinion,” the psychiatrist told Chase. As both James and Chase now had mentioned it, he believed them, since they had no reason to lie. Claude hadn’t mentioned it either way, but Claude had seen his hands tremble as he paced and prattled on about what needed to be done, in the most organized form he could. The older man recognized the signs of him teetering on the edge of sanity and knew better than to push him over.

So he didn’t need to check if he had those abilities, because he had no intention to use them. And since no problems had emerged on that end – his problems were numerous but had nothing to do with Adam’s powers in and of themselves – he did not focus on the matter. He wanted his powers back, and he was unwilling to believe that this could possibly be permanent. Which was another reason that he wanted to avoid the topic of his mental shields for as long as humanly possible. The psychiatrist shook his head, trying to clear that train of thought and focus on other topics, such as what Chase had just told him. “He told me; that’s a good sign, a good step in the right direction.”

It occurred to Sean after a moment that he wasn’t acting the part of a particularly good host, even if he hadn’t been the one to invite Chase into his office. He moved up the sofa, to take up only half of it, and then swung his legs over the side so that his feet touched the floor. “Would you like to sit?”

[Chase Campbell]

“Sean, it’s okay. I was kidding.” If he really wanted any kind of television, he could just stream it via the internet during his down time. Or he could just bother to set up the PVR and watch things later. As nice as the idea of having a television in his classroom was, he could live without one. When he wanted to make a point in class, he usually just pulled up YouTube. Granted, it was cartoons and movie clips most of the time, but that made the kids relate to them better. Speaking of class, with the training sessions cancelled until they could figure all this out, Chase had nothing to do. He had the time to help Sean test his shields. But nothing about the older man suggested he was ready for that.

“Good,” the trainer responded calmly. As long as Sean was willing to trust him, even on something as small as that, they’d be able to work together. He was willing to take things as slow as Sean needed. But at some point today, it would be best to get the testing done with. Sean had been around a long time. He knew things about Hammel. Chase didn’t want those things exposed any more than the others did.

All Chase knew was that Sean definitely had Adam’s power. It was confusing him, because he was so used to just avoiding wherever Adam was, lately. Easier said than done, considering they both worked as trainers. But he tried. He still had that vague instinct, but this was Sean, not Adam. He stayed put. Unlike Sean, however, he almost wanted to hope that the swap was permanent. James seemed so much happier now. “I know. He was really freaked out this morning, but after that, he was okay. And he likes his new power.” Even if Chase didn’t. It was really sort of creepy. But if it made his husband happy, he’d deal with it.

When Sean moved, Chase offered a tentative smile and crossed the room to sit beside his friend. “I really wish I knew what was going on around here. I get the feeling I’m gonna have to test my students, to see who’s affected by it.” James had warned him that Sean wasn’t happy about the swap, so he was trying to be careful here. “But we’ll figure something out. It’ll just take a little bit of time.”

[Dr. Sean Neville]

His sense of humor was off, and Sean felt himself entitled to have missed the joke. He had more important matters on his mind. And while the cartoons themselves weren’t important, they distracted him from the heavy thoughts which weighed him down. They distracted him from how miserable and helpless he felt, because they were mindless, familiar, and comforting. But he hadn’t laughed at any of the jokes on the television either. He also wasn’t capable of reflecting on the implications for class, on how new technology was implemented, or even on how his teachers might react. He had tunnel vision, and the “light” was the fact that he was mind-blind. “I’m sorry.” It wasn’t much of an apology, but it wasn’t worth a real apology; they could drop it and be better off for letting that thread of conversation die. “I left my sense of humor at home.”

“I know he does.” James had every reason to like his new power, because it didn’t cause him anxiety, and there was a great deal of creative potential in shadow manipulation. Sean also didn’t realize how much he liked that power, as he was unable to hear either Chase’s or James’s thoughts on the matter. He had a list of powers that had come through Hammel in the past few decades, and so they had to determine where the shadow powers came from. Cobalt came to mind but as Sean didn’t know the extent of that power and only knew Cobalt as an acquaintance; even rational, he couldn’t offer him as a source. And the psychiatrist was not rational at the moment.

The weight on the sofa changed when Chase sat beside him, and Sean was hyper-aware of the younger man’s presence, albeit in a different way from his usual awareness. “We need to find the cause before we can find a way to reverse it.” They also had to learn why it had only affected some of the metas, rather than all of them; testing was a good plan. “Tell Claude the results; I’m afraid I’m not of much use.”

[Chase Campbell]

Chase didn’t know what to make of the fact that Sean had missed the joke. He was used to the older man coming back at him with witty comments. He was easy to banter back and forth with. For Chase, he’d been a constant source of friendship and wisdom since he’d first followed James back to Vermont. Sean had always been the pillar of strength around Hammel. To see him like this, it was downright spooky. Sean always knew what to do. He never looked like this. Never looked depressed, hopeless. Chase was used to being the strong one in his own house. But not here. “It’s okay. I get it. Jamie didn’t have much of a sense of humor this morning, either.” The fact he’d used his husband’s nickname was proof enough, this change had been good for them.

If anything, James’ new power had lessened his anxiety, to an incredible degree. “It’s kinda amazing, watching him play with it. He’s got control of it, like he never has over his perception. I know it’s hard to compare the two, but he’s happy.” He was happy to see James so happy. And in only a matter of hours, it had had a profound effect on their relationship. James had let him into his head. That alone was a huge step forward. But not only that, James had cuddled against him, wanted that contact between them. It didn’t matter that their relationship had been to hell and back lately, because that morning had made up for everything.

“I know,” Chase said quietly, brushing his fingers through his hair. “It’s not gonna be easy, I know that. But if we can figure out who was affected, maybe we can find a connection.” It was worth a try. “I can report them to Claude. I’m just hoping we can find a solution.” But not too soon, if he had his way. It might have been a selfish thought, but he couldn’t help it. This screw up was actually helping him and James. “… I guess I’m supposed to test your shields, huh?” Subtle, Chase.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean had struggled with bouts of depression since childhood, but he had learned to hide it from others. Both to keep from burdening the people around him, as well as for his own sanity; after spending several years as Robert’s special project, as the sensitive young telepathwho was a hair away from having a complete breakdown, he’d had his fill of pity. It was important to him to try to get through his depression on his own, without help from others, particularly after Robert passed away those years ago. A few days a month – sometimes every few months – he found it difficult to wake up in the morning or to leave be, and he forced himself through it for the sake of the school. He hated being pitied. And one break down – in front of James of all people – was more than enough to last the rest of his adult life. He nodded mutely, accepting Chase’s absolution, and tried to focus on the matter at hand.

“I understand,” he said. He did understand that James was happy; it was evident in the other man’s demeanor when they had spoken earlier today. James was, at this moment, his polar opposite: happy, enjoying his powers, possessing control. And the psychiatrist was uncertain of the extent of his new powers and utterly uninterested in learning, all the while mourning the loss of his powers. Worst of all, it was possible that these pheromone powers could get out of hand, as he knew nothing about them, and his emotional state was so fragile. As a telepath, he sought out minds that might comfort him; now as a pheromone manipulator, with the ability to exert a different type of influence, who knew what would happen due to a subconscious craving for comfort?

But such contemplation occurred on a level utterly removed from his current mindset. At the moment, he had to dimly focus on the matters at hand: keeping himself from another breakdown, making certain that someone more capable than he was took inventory of the students – and Chase had volunteered for that and to report the results to Claude – and beating back the panic associated with the dozen “what if?” scenarios which might arise from the inevitable. “I can’t live this way, so we have to find a solution.” It was the most resolve that the psychiatrist could muster, although the assertion did not contain even a hint of a plan of action.

He shook his head to himself, then closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then exhaled. They could either test his shields now, or watch an episode of Yogi Bear. After weighing those options for a moment, he opened his eyes and faced the younger man. “All right. Something simple.”

[Chase Campbell]

Chase had never suffered the same problems with learning to adapt to his power as Sean had. Granted, they both had mental powers, but the trainer had never had to deal with voices in his head, knowing intimate secrets. No, his job had been to mess with his fellow students (and on occasion, his teachers, he’d admit it). He’d never been depressed about it. Sad, perhaps, after moving from Arizona to Vermont. Leaving his friends behind. But never depression. He’d gone through his schooling with relatively little difficulty. There really wasn’t reason for him to be depressed. Even recently, with the events that had transpired, he wasn’t depressed. And after this morning, he had even less reason. James was happy, which made him happy.

It was hard for Chase to see the difference. Both his husband and his friend had been affected by this ridiculous situation, and their reactions were so different. It made it difficult to remain happy for James, while still being sensitive to Sean. He was going to try, but sensitivity had never been his strong suit. He didn’t even think about Sean’s control over his new power. He’d never been around Adam enough to be influenced by him. And he wanted to keep things that way.

“We’ll find a solution. We will. … Somehow.” Chase didn’t know how to handle this. He didn’t know how to make Sean feel better. Not at all. Comforting James was one thing, but he was his husband. Comforting Sean was different, and he knew that. He sighed softly and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to figure out what to do. For some reason, he felt compelled to shift a little closer, and cautiously wrapped his arm around Sean’s shoulders. “Things’ll get back to normal.”

As for testing him… Chase frowned. Something simple. Simple. Sometimes he tested his students’ resistance against him. But in class, with teenagers, he could make them do silly things. Here, he’d have to be a little more… adult. He looked up at him. “Okay. Let’s try this.” He concentrated, attempting simply to get into Sean’s head – something he could very rarely accomplish, under normal circumstances. And once he was there, he realized that his control was a little… off. He couldn’t concentrate properly. Was it Sean’s power? He didn’t know. And why did he suddenly want Sean to… what? Why was he thinking about kissing him?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean nodded at the reassurance that a solution would be found. He had to believe that his powers would return, because he would not survive the rest of the day – or the next day or the week, and he had to stop focusing on the possibility of never undoing whatever had affected them, lest he lose his sanity. He didn’t empirically believe Chase’s reassurance any more than he believed his own, because he had no reason to do so beyond faith and hope, but at the moment, he clung to hope like a baby to his mother’s breast. Hope would keep him sane. “Good,” the psychiatrist said, and then agreed, “We’ll all work through this.” The arm around him was comforting and unconsciously he leaned into the contact.

He nodded when Chase announced that he was ready, although he couldn’t make himself maintain eye contact with the younger man. Instead he kept his gaze focused on his hands, his head bowed slightly. Telepathy or not, the psychiatrist was trained to feel another person brushing his mind, and so when Chase began, he was aware of his presence. Sean put forth the greatest resistance he could, calling on his mental shields to defend his mind. But after a weak effort, Chase had crashed through. The psychiatrist’s last bit of hope was dashed with the confirmation that his mental shields – those shields he had relied on for decades, the ones that he had spent all of his time as a student learning to construct – were beyond his abilities. It was an unfamiliar sensation, another person in his mind without invitation, and he was instantly nervous but was unable to force the other man out.

It had been a long time since he had last been under the influence of mind control, and the sensation was peculiar in that way. He felt a need, almost overpowering, to kiss the other man, although he did not know from where that urge had come. In the end, it didn’t matter, because he was compelled to kiss him and couldn’t think of anything else at the moment; there was no room in his mind for other thoughts. He [i[had[/i] to kiss him. The psychiatrist turned his head and leaned forward, brushing his lips against the younger man and inviting him to return the kiss with as much enthusiasm as he wished.

[Chase Campbell]

By nature, Chase was someone that strove to reassure. He didn’t like seeing people feeling depressed. Not his students, not his family. And he knew that feeling had only grown since he’d been married, and taught at Hammel. He was more sensitive to it now. Even though Sean was his elder, he still had that drive to fix it. “We will. You’re not alone. We’re going to get through it, one way or another.” Though he didn’t really want James’ elation of his newfound control to disappear, they really did need to fix this. Sean losing his powers was bad, but he really worried about some of the students. Rixon, Verax… yeah. This could be a problem.

This was so different from testing James, this morning. He’d spent so long avoiding mind control when it came to his husband, and the idea of not having his own power, not having control, had terrified him. Even using his own control on James had been frightening. He was terrified to be in his head, to see the look in his eyes. But then it had been fine. James hadn’t panicked, and Chase had known he’d had his full control, and his own power. Using it on Sean was intimidating, but he hadn’t actually expected to get through. Sean was the most powerful psychic he knew. And if he was able to break through his walls… he almost wanted to stop right then. Just break the connection, and forget about it.

But he couldn’t. Nor could he really keep control over his own thoughts. He was too distracted. He couldn’t tell how, or where the distraction was coming from. And then suddenly, he was kissing the older man. His face flushed in a dark blush, and for a moment, he didn’t know what to do. And then he reciprocated, he couldn’t stop it. It was a good few moments before his senses returned, and he pulled away. “Oh my God, Sean. I’m sorry.” He couldn’t even look at him now. “I don’t know what happened.”

[Dr. Sean Neville]

It didn’t burn when Chase entered his mind. Although it was a peculiar association, Sean had always found mental invasions to burn – when he was not intiating. An unskilled mental touch burned, and those he encountered tended to be unskilled. Robert had never burned, but Robert had always been Robert, and Sean had mimicked him, such that his mental touch was the same as his mentor’s. Whether Chase didn’t burn because of his skill, or because without mental shields Sean lacked most of his mental awareness including the ability to make that association, the psychiatrist couldn’t be certain. Such contemplations were smothered by the all-consuming compulsion to kiss the younger man. And then he fell into the sensations, focused entirely on the softness of the other man’s lips against his and the warmth of his breath.

Too soon the kiss had ended, and he was jarred back to reality. Mortified that he and Chase had kissed; Chase was his friend and more importantly, he was married. The psychiatrist was also surprised that he still remembered how to do that; it had been his first kiss in over a year and a half. His first sober kiss in longer than that, so long ago that he couldn’t remember. That thought depressed him, and in his fragile state, he was incapable of keeping those intense feelings to himself. “I’m sorry,” he echoed the other man’s words. And he was sorry for the situation, and worse, for not regretting it enough. More than anything, he felt empty and lost.

Sean bowed his head, closing his eyes and hunching over. He didn’t move away from the other man; he couldn’t bring himself to end the physical contact, not when such touch – any touch, any reassurance – was desperately craved on a childlike level. Although Chase’s rejection was both necessary and reasonable – he was married, they were friends, Chase was too young for him, and there was no history of attraction – it was rejection nonetheless. “No relationship I’ve ever had has worked out,” he said, speaking into his lap. “My powers made me unlovable. And now, without them, I still manage to make a complete mess of everything.”

[Chase Campbell]

Admittedly, Chase hadn’t had a mentor during his stay at Hammel. Nothing like Sean had had in Robert. But he’d learned control all the same. His touch was gentle, unless he was in a hurry, or needed a little more force behind it. Several times he’d had to break up scuffles in class, and occasionally in the hallways. He used a firmer touch to get their attention. But with Sean, he’d chosen to be gentle, simply because he didn’t know what to expect from the older man’s shielding. He’d never had a desire to be in his head. One against one, he knew he was no match for Sean. So it was a real surprise when he broke through the wall so easily. It was even more of a surprise when a mix of pheromones and mind control led to the kiss.

Chase didn’t blush often. But he did now. Regardless of Sean’s control over his new power, he felt like he was at fault. He’d been the one to test the shields. He’d been the one to allow himself to become distracted. Hell, he was the one that started it. Really, he couldn’t lay the blame anywhere. It had happened, and nothing was going to change that. (Though in the back of his mind, Chase realized that this was the first (and only) time he’d ever cheated on James for anything. And he didn’t like that.) But he didn’t have time to think about that, because Sean was still hurting. He could see it. He winced. “Sean, don’t be sorry. It was my fault. I got distracted and I started it. It wasn’t your fault.”

His friend’s reaction made a wave of guilt wash over the blond man. Tentatively, he slipped his arm back in place around Sean’s shoulders. As freaked out as he was over this, he had to stay strong. He was used to that, after everything that had happened with James. But James had never been in a state like this. “Sean, it wasn’t your fault. It’s... Adam.” That came out wrong. Chase sighed. “His power. You’re not used to it. It’s harder to control. And you’re not unlovable.” If Sean was one of his students, he might have teased him a little. Told him to take advantage of this particular power. But he didn’t even want to touch on that right now. Instead, he pulled the older man into a little hug. “Look, I know this is hard, Sean. But we’re going to figure this out.” He just wanted him to stop being depressed. And though he knew he could try to nudge him out of that state mentally, he wasn’t so sure that was a good idea.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

For the first time since realizing that he was mind-blind this morning, Sean laughed; it was a foreign sound, completely humorless, unlike his usual boisterous laugh. He laughed because he didn’t know how else to react. His first kiss in who knows how long was with a friend of his – a married friend of his – a man more than fifteen years his junior, a coworker...the list went on for why this was a disaster. And the worst part of it was that he liked it, and that I t was impossible, and yet Chase was sitting here trying to encourage him about how life got better.

Chase wasn’t Robert Hopkins; that line wouldn’t work on him this time around. The psychiatrist shook his head, denying with one gesture everything that Chase said: that it wasn’t his fault – because it was - , that Chase knew that it was hard – because he didn’t – that they were going to find a solution – because as much as Sean still desperately needed to believe that he couldn’t – and that he wasn’t unlovable – because he was. Time had proven that to him.

He couldn’t bring himself to disengage from the physical contact, because he needed that arm around him, he needed that lifeline, despite the fact that this was a low point, even given his breakdown in front of James this morning. He tried to keep all of this behind his carefully constructed walls, but as of this morning, those walls had shattered. He was fifty-three years old, and what did he have to show for it? A job that he might very well be incapable of keeping if this wasn’t resolved soon. The complete loss of his powers and his mental shields and the inability to cope; he couldn’t keep Chase out of his head, he wouldn’t be able to keep Gabriel out, and at this point he doubted his ability to even keep Jenni out. No control over another power, one of the few that made people more uncomfortable than telepathy did, and one that would cause people to confuse him with Adam, until the status quo had been changed. A house that had a kitchen covered in ceramic shards. No family, nobody to sit with him on his deathbed, and if he kept this up, if he kept having these breakdowns, he wouldn’t have any friends either. “You don’t get it,” he informed the other man, although his voice was barely above a whisper.

“You don’t get it. I’ve had nineteen relationships, and they’ve all ended the same way. I’m alone. Every other aspect of my life has been an unmitigated disaster and now that I’ve lost this too...” The psychiatrist shook his head, partially in disgust with himself and partially because he was at a loss for how to continue his point. After a long moment, and not meeting Chase’s eyes, he continued, “I don’t want to have to leave Hammel; it’s all I have left.” Except for Josh, but he wasn’t ready to let that whole mess factor into his current situation. “Did you know I always wanted to have kids? I never could, but I kept hoping.”