Journal or...whatever!

[Lucah Ivaskov]

July 28th

Dear...well Journal I suppose,

Is there such a thing as Heaven on Earth? If so...I'm there. It's taken me quite some time to feel this way, but now that I do, I don't want to go back. Maybe it's love, maybe it's just very strong fondness. I don't know, but I'm not going to label it just yet. I want to make sure things stay this way, at least for a good while. I'm happy. Is it sad to say that I'm not happy because I have such a wonderful family? Yes, there's Jez, but that's the only person I love in my family.

Speaking of which, I'm so excited for Jez to meet Belle. It'll be the true test. If Jezebel likes her...then it has to be love. I can't get her out of my head. Now I understand what it feels like to Adrianna. I've judged her so many times for it, but now I understand. She was right, being so head-over-heels for someone like this changes a person. I didn't know that until now.

Belle has changed me for the best and I don't want it to end. I'm starting to sound like a sappy love story, but it's how I feel. I've been speaking like this for the past few days really and well if this is weakness...I'll take it.

Happy once again,
Lucah

[Lucah Ivaskov]

Oct 3rd

Dear Journal,

To think that damn Rumor would get the best of me again! I'm ready to scream or hit something. Violence may not be an answer, but it's good for stress relief. Belle is questioning me because of that stupid blog! Ignorant fool that Rumor is. If it causes Belle to leave me...I'll find whomever it may be and I will teach them that messing with relationships is not an intelligent job. Some stupid American teen is probably behind it all. I'm done.

I looked at a girl and talked to her, in my country that isn't a crime! It wasn't like I was asking her to join me in bed. I was asking her if she needed assistance. So I'm attractive to some, big deal, get over yourself! I'm sick of it all. If Belle is going to treat me like every other male scum bag in this country and continent, then I don't want her. I thought she was different. I thought she believed me! She trusted me! And I'm the one to blame? How does this work exactly?!

Maybe my father was right...America isn't that great after all. It's filled with insecure ignorant morons as far as I'm concerned. Maybe I'll make my way back to Romania after Jezebel is ready to go home....

Living in Hell,
Lucah

[Lucah Ivaskov]

January 20th


Journal,

Well, things have taken a quite a turn. Romeo screwed with my head. I broke up with Belle. My father took Jezebel away from me and still doesn't know that I broke it off with Belle, nor do I want to tell him. It'll just make him feel so warm and fuzzy inside. If it's possible for my father's cold heart to feel warm in any way. Which I don't believe it is. I don't plan on giving him that satisfaction either way really.

Anyway, I feel terrible about dumping Belle. I care about her still of course, but we lost our connection. Studying became more important and I couldn't handle it. I needed her so that I could handle all the stuff with my father. He's been getting worse and I just needed someone. Romeo's little comments didn't to me much good, it's bad enough that I questioned her loyalty myself, but he just kept pushing it. Pushing my insecurities and the shred of doubt that I had before. I couldn't handle it anymore so I just had to end it. I wouldn't hurt her more by fighting with her, it's for the best.

For both of us.

That was a month or so ago that I broke up with her. Call me a prick, but I sort of found another girl. Her name's Alyssa. It's horrible that I've already developed an attraction to her, but I'm not rushing into it. I won't be that type of guy. We have a few things in common, both of our mothers are dead, we both gave up singing after the loss, and we both rebel against our fathers. It's a change from Belle. She was so innocent and soft-spoken. Lyssa doesn't seem like that. She's spunky, but genuine. Nothing about her is fake besides her hair color anyway.

She reminds me of Romanian women when I look at her. She's got long, what I assume was, brown hair, now dyed purple. Her eyes are so vibrantly green it's hard to look away. And she doesn't understand that she'd so beautiful. I can see how much she holds back, how she tries hard to keep anyone else from getting in. Another thing we have in common.

I don't know how it will turn out, after singing with her, I hope I at least get to be friends with her. She's interesting. Different for sure.

Until more happens I bid you adieu,
Lucah

[Lucah Ivaskov]

January 29th

Journal,

Here's an update:

First off, it turns out that I'm capable of a great deal of jealousy. Misplaced, yes, but still it's jealousy and I really don't like it. How did I come upon this discovery? By going to the club and seeing Alyssa with a college guy. I get it, he's in college, he's more 'mature' but really he didn't strike me as very smart. Taking an under-aged girl into a club and buying her alcohol. I really wish he would have been caught. That would have made my night really.

I was stupid to think her and I would have anything. We talked once. Looks as if my feelings are getting in the way of my logic. Think before you act, dumb saying, but it actually makes sense. I don't think much anymore, must be because I've come to a country that is filled with people who use a small portion of their brain. It's starting to rub off on me.

Second thing, I plan on getting Jezebel back. I don't know how, but I'm going to. Maybe if I tell Dimitri that Belle and I are no more, he'll send her back. He'll think I've changed my mind and that I'll be marrying Vasilissa. I can only hope he'll be that ignorant. It's not like he knows me well enough to think that I'm capable of actually staying with what I believe. I won't be marrying any woman I know nothing about. Simple.

I've ruined enough lives out of the sheer entertainment of it, I won't ruin hers because of him. Maybe she'll find someone worth marrying, hell maybe I will too. As unlikely as that is, it sounds rather nice.

That's all that has happened, but I'll keep you posted.
Lucah

[Lucah Ivaskov]

February 26

Journal,

Talk about a horrible, horrible experience.

Not with Lyssa, of course not, thankfully. Nope, with Belle. Yeah, good times there. I go to the library to study and catch up on work, and who do I happen to run into? My ex. Not only that, but a new girl. She's changed her appearance a lot and it's sorta scary. Her stutter hasn't gone away, but she's gotten a new confidence. It's good for her though, maybe she'll find a good guy. That's all I want for her, she deserves to be happy and loved. I'm not the right guy for that job.

The sucky part of our reunion though, fighting in a library and me having to be the biggest jerk to her. She knows me so well, but I have to try and change her opinion of me. She can't think that I'm good or capable of being a better person. To her, I have to be like my father. The man I hate more than anything, I've got to become. She'll learn to hate me just like my mother grew to hate Dimitri. It's all part of the plan.

I can't help but wonder what she'd think if she knew the real reason I ended it. Would she understand that I wanted my sister back more than anything because she's the only tie I have left to my mother? Surely she'd have to. She lost her mother, but she has a loving father. I don't have that. All I have is Jez and now I don't even have her... There was a chance at getting my sister back and I had to take it. I just had to....

Does it make me a monster for wanting my family more than the girl I thought I was in love with? Possibly. In Belle's eyes I'm sure it does. I wonder what Jez would think about this. She's always been so much smarter than me and great at seeing what I don't. Who would she tell me to pick? Alyssa or Belle?

It doesn't matter either way, I'll be lucky if I get either of them. Lyssa probably is getting smarter and seeing through my 'charm' or lack there of I should say. There's no way she could like me. And Belle...she shouldn't like me. Both of them are capable of doing better. But I wish I was capable of being better,

Talk about Love Triangle,
Lucah

[Lucah Ivaskov]

Journal,

This is a song that I've started relating to...

Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye


Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
And I don't want to live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger
And that feels so rough
You didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records
And then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

I used to know
That I used to know

Somebody . . .

[Lucah Ivaskov]

June 25, 2013

Let's just put it this way...

Ravyn's back. Shit.

[Lucah Ivaskov]

July 12, 2013

To say the least, I have a killer headache, I've thrown up more times than I can count and I don't remember how I got here. I don't know what happened last night, I remember going out to the club with Ravyn and drinking a little, but after that it's all blurry. We spoke this morning when she found me curled up around the toilet. I was fully clothed when I woke up, she too was dressed so I figure I didn't do anything dumb, well not with her anyway.

I actually thought I was in the clear until I looked at my phone and realized that I not only drunk-texted Callie, but I called her and had a conversation that lasted twenty three minutes. I don't know what I said, or what she said seeing as how it was three in the morning. I feel incredibly stupid and horrible for waking her up. What the fuck was the matter with me last night?

I just want to know what I did so that I know I didn't do anything to get myself into serious shit.