A Formal Apology To All

[L.C. Milliner]

‘I’m not very good at these sort of things, so bear with me.’

Isn’t that what many people say when they start an apology? Do they think that, by stating they aren’t good at apologizing, this exempts them from writing a high-quality explanation, because they ‘aren’t good at it’? Do they hide behind the sentence and use it as an excuse so if someone says ‘that’s horrible’ they have an easy way out, something convenient to point to and say ‘well, I told you so’? Or maybe they use it as a way to curtail things, so they don’t have to spend a long time writing it. They use it as an excuse to half ass things, a cleverly placed lie to conceal that, in reality, they just don’t want to apologize but feel like they have to so they can be accepted. Then of course, there are those people who really aren’t good at apologies. But does that mean that they get to be excused from it? ‘Oh, they really aren’t good at apologizing, so bear with them.’ No! Do not bear with them! They should try to master their apologizing skills! Practice makes perfect, after all! If one doesn’t practice, one can never be the master of anything!

I would like to think I am good at apologies. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never apologized to myself before. I’ve never sat in a chair, or stood, for that matter, looked in a mirror, and told myself ‘I’m sorry’. Perhaps I should, one of these days. I think I would feel much better about myself if I did. But, that isn’t the point of this. The point of this is that this is a formal apology, to all of you, for my recent behavior.

Did you know how much I love this site? I love Hammel to death. Every morning I wake and my first thought is ‘I wonder if I have any posts on Hammel.’ I check Hammel before I check my Facebook or my email. A friend recently called me to say ‘You haven’t been on MSN in a week! Where have you been?!’ I’ve been on Hammel. It’s true. I haven’t been here a full month and I’m addicted to this place. With her wonderful skins, her glorious plots, her spectacular characters, and her fantastic admins, she’s a site to behold. (Haha. Pun. Did you catch it? …Sorry. Digressing.) But most importantly, the most significant and vital component of Hammel, are her absolutely incredible, completely extraordinary members. Members which, I have realized, I have not been fair to.

I’ve treated you all terribly at some point. Every one of you. Don’t deny it. I have. Feel free to admit it, both to me and to yourselves. All those thoughts of ‘She isn’t really being mean, I’m just taking it the wrong way’ or ‘I’m being too harsh on her, I should try to like her more’ or ‘I’m just being paranoid, she really didn’t mean it that way’, toss them aside. They are, in all likelihood, wrong. I deserve no such kindness from you all.

In the beginning, I didn’t realize what I was doing. But in a very short time, I noticed I was being far less then acceptable when it came to behavior. But I... didn’t care? No. I did care. But I didn’t stop. I thought, in vain, ‘they seem fine with it, I’m not too hard on them and I shouldn’t worry about it at all’. Lies! I knew you all weren’t fine with it at all! But I continued anyway, like a spoiled child! A brat! A rotten little monster! I was rude and irritable. I took criticism like a dragon takes to a knight sans armor. None of you deserved that! Not a single one of you deserved it, but I did it anyway!

But that wasn’t the worst part, not in the least! The worst part was that, of all things, I expected sympathy in return! I thought someone would notice my ‘pain’, take me under their wing, help me, be kind, gently show me my flaws. In retrospect, six of you did at some point, even though I certainly showed absolutely no kindness in return. Whether it was a conscious effort or unconscious on your part, I am not certain. (This is the part where I mention how much I love you all for it. You should know who you are.) To all the others, don’t feel bad for not doing so. In fact, feel better for not doing so! I’m not here to be babied and loved, I’m here to roleplay, above all else. I am writer! Not a child! That, however, is a fact that I have lost sight of.

Tony. Tony, Tony, Tony. It’s always Tony, isn’t it? Tonytimeandagain, as the c-box points out, accurate to a T. Tony was the one who reminded me, last night, that there is no point in getting worked up to tears over little things. This is just a game. It’s a game I take too seriously, I’m afraid. But I love it. This is the place I go after a long day, after a fight with my parents, after a hard time at my sporadic and demeaning job, or after watching over my friends and sibling. This is where I come to relax and work off steam. This is, perhaps, my greatest problem. I get online stressed and annoyed, devoid of muse, and I find myself unable to post because I’m too worked up. I then go to the c-box and lash out at people because of my own incompetence and end up more stressed then I started out.

That’s what happened last night.

I was angry. I was angry because I had rushed on Mordecai’s application, something I try not to do, and I thought he wasn’t good enough. No, I knew he wasn’t. Nevertheless, I still wanted to get it done. To be blunt? I thought he was horrible and I would be surprised if he isn’t outright denied at tossed out with the trash. I took a few criticisms of him as a confirmation of my inadequacy. I got frustrated. I sulked like a four year old. Then, when someone tried to come along and help me, I lashed out, without reason.

Everything unraveled.

I feel ashamed, looking back a few hours. (That happened about 10:30 PM, my time. I’m writing this at 1:00 A.M.) You know what I was thinking, sitting and staring at the c-box the first few minutes? I thought ‘Why is everyone asking if they are okay?! I’m the one threatening to twist people’s body parts off! Why aren’t they seeing if I’M fine?!’ How selfish am I?! I don’t deserve any kindness! ...I’m going to try to fix that, starting now. I want to try and be a person I would want to be friends with... as cliché as that may sound.

I realize it cannot be a ‘fresh new start’. I cannot wipe the slate clean and start from square one. I can’t fix the past and I can’t force anyone to forgive me for my rudeness, outbursts, failures, annoying qualities, and inadequacies. I can’t ask forgiveness. It’s like a child asking for a reward after doing something they really dislike, like sharing or eating vegetables or brushing their teeth. ‘I did this! Can I get something now?!’ That is not how the system is supposed to work. The worst part about this business is, after an apology, a person feels obligated to accept. ‘If I don’t, I’ll look like a snob! A prick! I have to accept, even I’m insincere! It’s only polite!’ Don’t spare such courtesies on me, please. I refuse to take them. I do not accept counterfeit sympathy here. If you will not take my apology, don’t. If you will, then please do. The most I can do is hope to be forgiven for my mistakes, and if I am not, it is my fault, not any of yours. I take full responsibility. The most I can do is plant the seed.

So.

I’m sorry. For everything.

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[Ann Hudgins]

I love ya darlin'!

You'll have to do more than just snap to make me mad.