Time Warp: It feels like being alone

[Evan Brackett]

[[Continued from: The Notes Are Old]]

November 23rd, 2024

Things were still rocky after Evan said good bye and wished Levi a safe trip. He honestly didn't know if he would hear from his ex ever again. The day the call finally came, a smile crossed his face as he read the name on the screen. He excitedly hit talk and put the phone to this ear. "Hey, Levi. On your way back to NY?...Oh, I see...Yeah, the offer's still open...Yeah, it's fine...No, really, I don't mind...Okay, I'll see you then...Yeah, bye."

His smile had grown into a grin sometime during the call, and it remained for a while afterwards. He was glad the other man decided to take up his offer. Maybe they could mend their friendship after all, or, at the very least, end their relationship on a good note. It would be a welcome change.

October 3rd, 2025

For the rest of the day, Evan was in a bad mood. The kind of bad mood where he didn't dare speak to anyone else, and they didn't speak to him. The gloomy aura he was casting was enough to deter anyone. His friends--or, at least, the ones that were brave enough to approach him--when asking if he was alright, were simply shrugged off. Nothing could make this alright.

His commute back home was much of the same, but being in the City, no one really seemed to mind.

He stormed into the elevator of their building, and sulked during the ride up to their floor, the entire while spent devising the best way to correct this mess. It was difficult to think clearly, his anger clouding common sense, but he left the lift ready for battle. Aggressively jamming the key in the lock, he yanked the door open to find the main area of their loft empty. "Levi, you here?" he yelled, louder than he would have liked. "We need to talk, preferably now." He hung his coat by the door and kicked off his shoes. Then, when there was no immediate response, he checked the bathroom and bedrooms to make sure the other man wasn't hiding from him. It was evident that he just wasn't home yet, so the phaser sat down on the living room couch to wait.

Van spent a great deal of that time fidgeting and chewing on his fingers, and when he heard the door swinging open again, he turned to glare at his roommate. "You told my brother we were back together?" The anger was obvious in his tone, he couldn't help it.

[Levi Xu]

December 4, 2024

Evan had agreed to come look at apartments with him, jokingly saying that Levi thought everyone was a nice guy, and that he would get ripped off, otherwise. Really, the interpreter didn't mind. They'd been getting along really well for the past week, better than he would have expected. They didn't mention their little indiscretion, and pretended that it had never happened. Maybe not the most mature way of going about things, but it was working.

The apartment they were looking at was nice. Really nice, and therefore a bit out of Levi's price range. The broker was pushing it though.

"The kitchen is larger than others in the building, and it's much roomier than you usually get at this pricepoint. And for a young couple, it should be perfect."

Levi felt Evan stiffen beside him, and jumped in. "We're not a couple. We're..." Exes and temporary roommates and ignoring the fact that we slept together the other day. "just friends." He gave her a sheepish smile, and she looked surprised, then nodded.

"I'm sorry, my mistake. We do have another apartment in this building with two bedrooms, if you want to look at it. It would be plenty big enough for roommates."

October 3rd, 2025

Levi spent the rest of the day with a feeling of apprehension. Something was looming, and he was pretty sure it wasn't his power telling him that. He tried to focus on his work, interpreting for a foreign minister from Israel and dodging that headhunter from the State Department. It was a good days work, but even his boss noticed that he was a little distracted. Right before he left, she asked him if things were going okay, and he'd just nodded, claiming that he was a little tired.

He was a little tired, and after a day of feeling nervous, Levi was also sick to his stomach. He wasn't ready for his boyfriend to yell at him as soon as he got home.

"I'm sorry!" Levi shrugged off his coat and hung it up beside Evan's, then took off his own shoes, lining them up neatly by the door. "I picked up the phone to tell him to call your office if it was urgent! I didn't realize you hadn't told him about me until it was too late."

December 13, 2024

"Levi, are you sure this is a good idea?" Even over the phone, he could hear the worry in his sister's voice.

"Yes, Nomi. It's a little rushed, but we're doing well together."

"Okay, if you're sure."

[Evan Brackett]

Evan scoffed at the apology. He didn't want to hear it, or the following excuses. He just wanted to know what could have possessed Levi to make him think it was okay to say those kinds of things to his younger brother. "That's not the problem," he shot back. "I'm fine with you answering my phone. I'm even fine with you talking to Jeff. But you don't get to decided what we are on your own, and you certainly do not get to tell my family about it."

He hadn't told any of them about his current living situation. They knew that he had moved into a bigger apartment, and they knew that he had a new roommate. Van had purposely left out his identity because he didn't want to hear their criticisms. Now that Jeff thought that they were...dating, he was never going to hear the end of it. "I mean, what is going through your head? Did you even think to talk to me about this?" He was standing now, having gotten up so he could face the other man properly. The couch was still between them, however, and that was probably for the better.

[Levi Xu]

For a full minute, Levi just stared at his boyfriend. He could understand if he was upset about him talking to Jeff when the rest of Van's family didn't know they were together. He could understand why Evan wouldn't have told them, too. Jeff and David probably hated him for what he'd done to their brother, but it was eight years ago. He'd made up for it in the past year.

Hadn't he?

"I..." Levi blinked a few times, not sure of how to respond. If he wasn't angry about the phone or talking to Jeff, what was he pissed about? "I'm sorry?" But the question was there in his voice, because now he didn't know what he was supposed to be sorry about. "Look, he asked my why I had your phone! Was I supposed to lie to him?" Wouldn't that have made all of this worse?

Suddenly, the coin dropped in his head, and Levi's eyes went wide. "Wait...what did you mean by decide? What did I decide?" He ran his hand through his hair, confused, worried, and still feeling sick.

[Evan Brackett]

Evan spent that minute staring the other man down. The silence was eerie, but he didn't know what else he could say. It was almost a relief when Levi finally spoke up, except that the feeble apology wasn't what the phaser had been expecting. He wanted answers, and Levi's confusion was just egging him on. "Apparently!" he retorted sharply. As far as Van was concerned, Levi did lie to Jeff about their relationship.

He screamed as his raked his hair with his fingers, completely frustrated by Levi's absent mindedness. "What did you decide?" he repeated in disbelief. "Really? You don't fucking know?"

"You think we're back together," he blatantly stated. There was no question about it. "I never said that. Have I ever once mentioned being interested in anyone? Have I ever mentioned dating? At all? There's a reason I haven't, and a reason I told you before that I wasn't looking for a relationship." His face was red from all the yelling, and it showed no signs of clearing up soon.

[Levi Xu]

He wasn't expecting the explosion.

Levi stared at Evan, trying to process what he was saying. His mouth dropped open to retort, but nothing came out. How the fuck did Evan think they weren't dating? After a moment more, he finally gathered his thoughts together enough to speak. "We are back together!"

He walked forward so he was just standing on the opposite end of the couch from the older man. For almost a year, they had been living together. They'd been sleeping together for almost that long. In Levi's mind, they had been together since somewhere between those two points. "Yeah, you said that a few times, months ago. And then we slept together those nights! Fuck, do you even remember the last time I slept in my own bed? Van, I kissed you goodbye this morning, how are we not in a relationship?"

It had been a year. Almost a full year together, and Levi had thought he had earned Evan's trust back. Yeah, they weren't perfect, and there were a lot of things they just didn't talk about, but wasn't every couple like that?

[Evan Brackett]

"No, we aren't," he asserted right back. Yeah, they'd been living together for nearly a year. Yeah, they had been having sex. But that was about the extent of their relationship. Obviously, there had been no discussion about it between them, and nothing had indicated to Evan that they were working towards rebuilding their relationship from eight years ago. Sure, they went out on occasion, but he always thought they were just friends hanging out.

"What, so you don't think I get lonely sometimes? Do you realize how hard it is to get laid when you're a one-armed, gay architect? There's not exactly a huge market out there for me, and even if there was, I don't have time for courtship anymore." He had been absorbed in his work for a long time now, since before Levi called him up that first time last year. The last time he had went on a date, or even just hooked up with anyone else, had been long before that. "Then there you are, in my bed waiting for me almost every night, just giving it up. That was nothing but convenient. I thought that was the point."

Had Levi really been coming on to him then, that first night he pulled Van into his room after they moved? No. Levi was skewing everything. "No," he corrected him, "You kissed me, and then we said good bye. There's a difference." Evidently, the other man didn't realize that.

"This isn't a relationship, Levi. It's more like...co-existing," he explained coolly, his anger finally spent.

[Levi Xu]

Convenient.

He was convenient.

For the first time in the conversation, Levi didn't have to search for words. They came spilling out without him thinking. "I thought...I thought you were giving me a second chance. It felt like we were back at Hammel, and that everything was finally okay." It was true that they never discussed what their relationship was, but they'd never done that when they were dating, either. There was never a conversation about whether they were boyfriends or anything back when they were teenagers, they'd just kissed and fooled around one day and decided independently that it meant they were together. "I thought this was one of the passive-aggressive things that was there but we didn't talk about, because it makes you uncomfortable, like Spider-Man or my power in general." Or more accurately, how insecure it had always made Evan feel.

Finally, he had to look away. His voice was wavering more as he spoke, weakening any point he thought he had. His hands were shaking too, as he tried to keep it together. Evan had stopped shouting, and Levi was not going to cry. "I really thought you were giving me a second chance. I've been trying to deserve it." And they'd only been co-existing.

[Evan Brackett]

It was Evan's turn to not understand. He didn't get how the other man could think that, after all he had done, Van was just going to silently forgive him and never bring it up. "You thought sex was going to fix all that?" he asked, dumbfounded. Sex wasn't going to earn his trust back. Faith maybe, loyalty maybe. But Evan couldn't even see those things buried in their silence. If Levi had really cared, if he really had faith in them, he would have said something. Evan was certain of that. It was their miscommunication that had ended them in the first place.

Most of all, he had been offended by what Levi had just told him. "How could you possibly expect me to forgive you when you consider this just another one of those 'passive-aggressive things'? We aren't kids anymore, Levi. You should know it's more complicated than that." He felt like he was scolding the other man. He supposed he kind of was. "My heart, my love, isn't something to be toyed with. I gave it to you once and you destroyed me." He had been holding it back precisely because he didn't want to make that mistake again.

Van watched as Levi looked away, as he started to shake, as he avoided crying. The phaser just glared at him, his frustration causing his stomach to churn. "A year. We've been living with each other for an entire year, and you didn't think to ask me about it?" Anything would have been better than nothing.

[Levi Xu]

"No! Well, kind of. That was part of it." But it wasn't just sex. They spent most of their spare time together as well, just like they had at Hammel. "I guess I was trying to show you that I could be better. I could be a good boyfriend."

"And I messed up then, I know! I didn't understand what was happening!" Back in Portland, he'd thought that he'd finally stopped feeling guilty for breaking Evan's heart. "I know it's more complicated... I just wanted..." What had he wanted? He wasn't sure about anything anymore.

The wall fell as Levi realized exactly what had happened. He'd fucked it up. Again.

He'd managed to mess up the best thing in his life, twice.

"I...I'm sorry, Evan. For everything." His voice cracked, but he was beyond caring anymore. It wasn't like it was the first time the older man had seen him cry. "But what was I supposed to ask? Am I good enough for you to love me again?"

He took a deep, shuddering breath. He had to get out of there, and not just for that night. "I...I told you about the meta school they're building in Israel? There's a woman from the State Department who's been trying to get me to join the project. I think I should." This time, it was Levi who walked away first, though it was just to the door of his rarely-used bedroom.

[Evan Brackett]

"You know you weren't just a boyfriend to me back then." The had been boyfriends, best friends, and more. Whatever they had been doing over the last year didn't compare, and it didn't make up for the seven years they missed. "This isn't enough."

Likewise, Evan thought he had gotten over their breakup. That was why he had been able to lend the man his couch last year, and even forgive himself for that stupid night they had spent together. This was bringing all the pain from eight years ago back, and it had irrevocably angered him. "No, you just made stupid assumptions. As if that is all you can do."

The phaser shook his head. "I don't know, Levi." Just something. Any question--hell any mention about them being together as a couple would have been nice. Not a phone call from his brother.

He watched silently as Levi broke down, and listened to his escape plan. "That's probably a good idea," he quietly muttered as the other man walked away from him. "Good bye." Heading to his own room, Van confined himself to solitude. He never wanted to see his ex ever again.

Three days later, all of Levi's stuff was moved out, save for a piece of paper with his forwarding address in Tel Aviv, and a check to cover his half of the rent for the rest of the year.

[[Begun in: I'm Moving On]]