Jack-O-Lanterns Burning Bright (Sean)

[Joshua Bernstein]

"I'll make sure you get feedback." Josh promised, and despite the glint in his eyes this was halfway serious; he knew he wasn't always the best at verbal appreciation (in general, not just in regards to intimacy), and so it certainly wouldn't hurt to try and let his partner know when he was grateful.

When he'd first realized he was solely interested in men he'd tried to talk himself out of it; when he'd begun living with Sean he'd resisted telling his family because it would be uncomfortable, although in the back of his mind he'd felt he would probably have to eventually. Once they were no longer a couple he'd had no reason to tell her: he hadn't lived with any of his subsequent partners, hadn't gotten serious enough with any of them to feel obligated to introduce them to his family or to begin family planning. In fact, he'd deliberately held them at arm's length, and the result was that at fifty-one his mother still had no idea.

Sometimes he thought his siblings suspected, but he had no proof of that.

"Oh, that should convince her." He agreed, nodding seriously as he began work carving his jack-o-lantern's face. "At least she already likes you." Perhaps that would soften the blow a bit. If Sean had children she would likely take it even better; he'd always been of the opinion that if he'd dated someone with children she would forget the shock of his confession in her love of grandchildren. Of course, Sean would have been happy had Sean been a father, too.

"Ahhh, so." He began stabbing his pumpkin with more violence than was necessary. "I guess she'll have to accept it or not."

That was not what he had planned on saying.

He stabbed his pumpkin again as he tried to figure out a way to articulate his thoughts. "Since you're as much my family as she is now." That was better. "And, ahhh, I actually have a question."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The telepath sensed that they had veered from the simple banter into a more serious discussion, and that Josh’s promise wasn’t mere indulgence of the supposed cause of his sleep problems. For that, Sean was appreciative, although he didn’t intend to put any pressure on his partner, certainly didn’t wish to strong-arm him into compliance. But verbal assurances in some areas were...nice, even if he could live without them. He could live without a lot, in fact he fully intended to, but it would still be nice. “I appreciate it,” he repeated, offering the other man a smile.

It was true; Josh’s mother did already like Sean, which was more than Sean could say about his own family. Not that Kathleen tried to keep her opinions to herself. She and Josh were alike in some ways, but those similar characteristics were forgivable in his partner, less so in his sister. Perhaps her like of the telepath would soften the impact, if and when Josh chose to inform her of their current situation.

Sean would offer whatever support he could, but he wouldn’t press the matter.

Then he overhead the other man’s thought regarding children, and his own smile faltered. He hid this by keeping his attention on his jack-o-lantern and popping out pieces of the eye.

“Thank you,” he remarked softly, in response to the other man’s declaration. He had viewed Josh that way for years, for decades; even after the Break Up, Josh had been as close as his brother emotionally, and he viewed him as such.

At the mention of the other man’s question, he briefly lifted his head. “Yes?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh's ability to concentrate on serious topics of conversation while involved in other tasks was lacking; he required all his energy to simply avoid having a panic attack from bringing this topic up. He wasn't sure how Sean would react, and that was always scary. He knew how he thought his partner should react, because he was aware of his feelings on the topic, but he also hadn't discussed it with him before.

"I....ahhh...." He stared at his jack-o-lantern, though his knife was unmoving by his side. "I realize this is early in our relationship." Their relationship that they'd ignored protocol for by moving in together immediately. "But we're not getting any younger...." He coughed in embarrassment; he wished he was better at this sort of conversation. "I know you've always wanted to be a father, and....ahhh..." He moved his hand to fidget before remembering he was holding a knife. "You're so excited about Halloween and all the children and I thought we should have a....a discussion."

That wasn't precisely a question, but he hoped Sean understood what he meant anyway.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The telepath had just finished with the rest of his jack-o-lantern and was smoothing over edges when his partner elaborated on the topic. It wasn’t quite a question; rather, the question was implied. Sean listened patiently as Josh began outlining reasons, as he spoke awkwardly, and as he didn’t actually articulate anything beyond “a discussion.”

But the topic was implied, and it caused the telepath to lower his knife to the table. He wiped it methodically, and then set it aside.

“A discussion,” he repeated quietly, before he lifted his head and looked over at the other man.

It was true that he liked Halloween as much as he did primarily because it was a children’s holiday. While there were adult methods of celebration, and he engaged in them readily (his refusal to attend Anastasia Van Drakke’s party notwithstanding), interacting with children gave the holiday its significance.

He worked at a school, he babysat his coworker’s children, and he volunteered at a youth center. There was no disguising the fact that children were important to him, and yet still decidedly absent in his life.

And there was a folder of information in his study that he never utilized. He was old now, and his attorney in Burlington had mentioned how difficult middle-aged adoption was, which is why it was a pipedream.

Sean pushed the jack-o-lantern aside and asked, “What do you want to discuss?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

This was much more awkward than the attorney had imagined it would be. Or maybe that was simply his inability to articulate what he wanted to discuss. He took a fortifying breath, staring down his jack-o-lantern as if expecting it to lend him strength and eloquence.

No such luck.

Instead Sean prompted him instead of jumping on the opportunity with enthusiasm, and he swallowed back a rising lump of anxiety. Maybe he shouldn't have brought this up.

"Well....about...being a family." He suggested, his voice pitched higher than normal. Why was this so difficult? Why couldn't they smile and agree and then it would be done with?

"If you wanted to...ahh....to adopt or...foster....that would be....fine with me."

This was going so swimmingly.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

They had resumed their relationship only a few months ago; they had moved in mere days after their reconciliation because life was too short and they had both agreed that they wanted to waste no time and to try again. In that time, everything had been wonderful, as they had found a domestic rhythm and had rekindled their intimacy (sober, deliberately, and without regrets the next morning). Likewise, everything had fallen apart with Josh’s trauma.

The thought of actually having the opportunity to adopt children hadn’t crossed Sean’s mind, because it didn’t seem feasible. He settled for babysitting Gwynie and Niko, and the Mancini children down the street.

“It would be fine with you,” the telepath repeated, before pushing the jack-o-lantern out of the way. It wasn’t the most enthusiastic declaration; more than that, he knew that Josh hadn’t dreamed of fatherhood the way that the telepath had. He also knew that the other man tended to feel that he didn’t do enough in the relationship and wanted to make it up to him. Children weren’t the answer to that.

Children were a permanent lifestyle change, assuming that they could even take in foster children in the first place. He certainly couldn’t conceive of a young woman, seeking an open adoption, who would think the fifty-plus gay couple in Pilot Ridge are the ones who should take my baby.

He sighed wistfully and then sought his partner’s eyes. “Is that what you actually want? Not something you could cope with, but something you want to do?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh lifted his hand just long enough to let his knife clatter onto the table beside his unfinished jack-o-lantern. This had evidently been a terrible idea; he shouldn't have brought it up after all. The timing had seemed perfect, and yet he'd managed to screw it up. Again.

The echo of his own statement caused him to look down at his feet in embarrassment. Should he have phrased himself differently? He'd thought Sean wanted fatherhood, that he would, in fact, be a wonderful father and would be delighted at the idea of finally realizing his dream.

Instead he was reacting with distressing tepidness.

He caught the searching gaze and jerked his head upward, expression somber. "You think I would suggest this if it was only something I would be able to cope with?" He shook his head, looking away once more. "I just thought it was something we should discuss before too much more time has passed." The way Sean's eyes lit up when interacting with children made it so apparent he was meant to be a father, and that was what made the attorney feel his own desire for children grow. He would have been satisfied enough being single and childless, but because Sean was so paternal it made their little family seem almost incomplete.

He twisted his hands together uncomfortably. "If you don't want to, then never mind. I...I shouldn't have brought it up."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I want to,” the telepath replied quickly, because Josh had drawn the wrong conclusion. Sean could hardly fault the other man for that, given that he hadn’t responded with the enthusiasm that his partner had undoubtedly expected.

Instead he was cautious, and admittedly more than a bit somber. Because Josh was apparently interested in having children with him, and he was fifty-four, and even if they fostered a (young) teenager, he would likely be at least sixty by the time he or she graduated high school. Because confronted with this option, he was painfully aware of the fact that if life had turned out differently, they could have fostered a child decades ago, perhaps multiple children. Perhaps they would have grandchildren now.

There would be birthday and graduation pictures in the living room, and an anniversary clock from three years ago on the mantle, celebrating their thirtieth. The attic would be filled with children’s toys and a rocking horse that their hypothetical child would have outgrown years ago but he would have kept for other children, perhaps for his or her children.

They could have fostered or adopted as young professionals, and even though it had been the 1980s, they could have made progress because they lived in New York, and then later in Vermont, two exceedingly liberal and progressive states. Hypothetical children could have met their grandparents and had a relationship with them; he could have given Ryan a cousin or cousins to play with.

If everything had been different.

The telepath sighed softly and pushed off from the table. He announced, “I think I need a drink. Can I get you one?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh wrinkled his forehead in confusion at Sean's reply. If he wanted to then why was he behaving as if he were upset? He wasn't a telepath, he had no idea the path down which his partner's mind had wandered. Had he known he would have understood the melancholy, would have admitted it was a fair response, and then he would have felt crushingly guilty for ruining everything.

He didn't know, however, and he continued to stare at Sean in bewilderment.

"No, thank you," He rejected the offer of a drink with a shake of his head. "I still have a jack-o-lantern to carve and I want to make sure it's only pumpkin flesh I cut into. Being one-handed might be fantastic for the season, but it would make the rest of my life difficult."

In light of the unfinished pumpkin, and the fact that Sean was going to fetch a drink before discussing, he picked up his knife and resumed carving, trying not to worry. Sean said this was what he wanted, which was a positive response, but the melancholy was causing his innate anxiety to grow.

"I know it's early. I...ahhh....hope you don't mind." Or think he was creepy for bringing this up when they'd only just begun again. "Maybe I should have waited but...." It would only be more difficult the longer they waited.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean rose from the table and crossed the kitchen to the refrigerator, where he knew there was an open bottle of wine from last night. He pulled out the bottle, took down a glass from the cupboard, and filled it. He left the bottle out on the counter, in case he needed a refill.

The telepath conceded his partner’s point about not wanting to drink while handling a knife. While a single beer or a single glass of wine shouldn’t impair him – not with Josh’s alcohol tolerance – Sean certainly wouldn’t encourage him to break from his comfort zone. Besides, he needed a drink; Josh wasn’t in the same place emotionally, and Sean didn’t require the buddy system.

He had no intention of allowing Josh to reach the same place that he was emotionally; while the reasons for his melancholy were legitimate, he didn’t want to burden his partner and cause him to feel guilt.

For what little those intentions would accomplish.

The telepath brought his wine glass back over to the table and settled back in his chair. “I don’t mind,” he reassured the other man. That was true, he didn’t mind.

He also took no offense at the short timing, both because of practicality (waiting longer would lead to greater difficulty with whatever agencies they tried and there was already a lengthy waiting process) and also because their relationship didn’t follow a traditional time table. Nothing about them was traditional.

“It’s fine not to have waited,” he added, before taking another sip of his wine. “I’m not upset.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh had almost finished with his jack-o-lantern's mouth when Sean returned; he listened intently as he continued to carve, popping the piece out with great care before turning around to join in the discussion he'd initiated.

The first word to pass his mouth was an "Oh" of disbelief. He couldn't believe Sean wasn't upset considering that his reaction was one of melancholy rather than joy. Considering that the first thing he'd done was grab a bottle of wine, and not out of a desire to celebrate.

He stared at the knife in his hands, wondering what direction he ought to take this conversation now that it had begun. He should have thought about this before springing it on his partner, but it was too late now.

"Ahhh..." He began, then, as his brain furiously worked to keep up. "If we did decide to...to expand our family would you....ahhh, do you have a preference? I mean, would you rather foster or adopt." There were other preferences to take into consideration, of course, but they might as well begin with the most basic of the choices confronting them.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The telepath sipped his wine, and he watched as the other man finished up with his jack-o-lantern. He was prepared for this discussion – to the extent that he could be given that Josh had sprung it on him moments ago - and focused on the matter at hand, but part of his mind would be in that melancholy place of what if for a while.

Thought Josh wasn’t making eye contact, Sean kept his head up, glancing at the other man as he listened to the question. It was a good starting point. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as simple to answer as the question made it appear.

“It’s a lifestyle change, either way,” he replied before taking another sip. It would be a million lifestyle changes. “Fostering would probably be easier legally, although you’d know better than I do.”

Josh was the legal expert; Sean only knew what his attorney in Burlington had told him and what he’d discussed with the Hammel attorney over lunches. But they’d mentioned that it was easier to get onto the foster list. But they might not get to keep whatever child that came to live with them as a result.

“Do you want an older child? Or do you want a baby?” Sean wasn’t probing his partner’s thoughts, and thus he didn’t know how much thought Josh had given this.

[Joshua Bernstein]

"Easier." Josh agreed quietly. Neither way would be easy, but that wasn't a reason to give up before they'd even started. "And I know it's a lifestyle change." He had seen both his siblings lives morph from independence to responsibility for other human beings as their children were born, he was aware that he would have to be more careful about when he came home and what he did on the weekends and the evenings. He would have to help with homework instead of drinking, and attend recitals instead of business parties.

They wouldn't be able to take off to Boston at the drop of a hat; vacations would have to be planned around school. They would have to be careful about when and where they became friendly with one another.

It wasn't what he'd seen himself doing when he was a younger man, but then nothing in his life was at all like he'd envisioned it when he was young.

"Older," He could answer that question without hesitation. He'd dismissed the idea of a baby without much thought; he could understand the appeal of watching a child grow from new life into an adult, but he was already a senior adult. There was no guarantee he'd keep the health (physical or mental) required to invest in a baby. "But I can be flexible." He would have to be; this wasn't a goal they could achieve without flexibility.

"But this is only...only if you really want to. I don't want to push this on you."

[Dr. Sean Neville]

That was what Sean had thought; it was what he had learned from his attorney during his inquiries into acquiring children. It was easier because the children needed homes and the lack of finality made them “less desirable.” That was one of the many reasons he had the folder in his office.

The telepath acknowledged the other man’s preference with a nod. Although they hadn’t discussed this before, his assumption of Josh’s preferences tended towards an older child than a baby or a toddler. The age gap weighed heavily on Sean as well, and thus he wasn’t surprised to hear (and assumed) that it was a concern to his partner. Longevity was in Josh’s genes, smoking and drinking aside. Sean’s parents had already passed, and he was older. But the flexibility was good to hear.

However, the other remark caused him to shake his head a single time. “You aren’t pushing me.” He brought his glass to his lips and sipped again.

Heaven knew that the thought of children never failed to bring a smile to his lips. This was hardly twisting his arm, even if now he was a bit morose due to his musings on what could have been. Setting down his glass, he folded his hands on the table in front of him. “How old is ideal for you?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh was relieved at the reassurance he wasn't pushing Sean on the children issue; he tended to worry naturally, and the lack of immediate enthusiasm hadn't helped any.

He placed his knife on the table beside his pumpkin, scraping his chair across the floor so that he could join his partner in sitting while they discussed preferences and details of this hypothetical future child. "I....ahhh....I honestly haven't given it that much thought." He admitted, dropping into the chair with a thud. "I suppose over ten. Perhaps older, even. Teenager, maybe."

Despite his reluctance to foster a baby or toddler he did desire this to result in a family; he was aware that a foster child might not be permanent, but there was a chance they could be. And if they could be he wanted time to form enough of a relationship that they would continue to be family even after they were adults. Maybe that wasn't fair, though; they could surely help any older teen through college if need be, help them land on their feet when they were hunting for a job.

"I just wanted to bring it up while it was on my mind, but I....I can't say I've given it a lot of thought."