A Helping Of Sympathy (Yulia)

[Yulia Sokolov]

Yulia was now face to face with one of those questions that she never wanted to answer. Back in Russia it would not have mattered, not really based on where she was. Here, in her brand new life it did matter. Did she use her power often? Aka, how often did you hurt people using your meta ability, because that was all she could do. Also, how did she tell someone who had been hurt by metas? She didn’t want Josh to associate her with that, but she knew that also she shouldn’t lie to him, and that she probably couldn’t anyways.

“I did, a great deal in Russia. Some was training and some was combat. It is not a good thing or a pretty thing but I had to do it. I think differently of it now, it never felt like hurting people, more like survival.” She knew that wasn’t a very good excuse, but it was the only one that she could give him. She knew that it probably was not satisfactory, especially given what she could garner of what had happened to him. In fact she thought that this was probably anything but comfortable and reassuring. It was too late to take it back now though, he knew, it was out there in the open.

What he said briefly about Sean did make her nod though. “I know how he feels. If it was not for Odarennyi I do not know what would have happened. Now that I realize how different things could have been if I were elsewhere I feel slightly bitter about it, but the truth is that things could have been far force. Had I been left to my own devices god only knows what would have happened, what kind of damage I might have done. Honestly I think that it would have driven me mad. It was terrifying as a child to get mad at one of my sister, to wish harm upon them in my anger and then to see them actually in agony. I did not know what I had done and I was scared to be angry, scared to be happy, scared to be scared.” She stopped herself then, realizing that she had carried on more than she meant to.

Josh’s suggestion was a fair one, though she could already rule one out. She knew that Anya had attended Hammel and not Odarennyi. She was not so sure about Mr. Makarov, but she was not sure she could approach him.

“I might, though these memories are not things I want to relive,” she said with a laugh that was not really out of amusement. It was becoming increasingly hard to just shove everything back down emotionally. She didn’t know how to handle that, she didn’t have the coping mechanisms, the ability to express, or even anything musically cathartic. She could cry, and she was tempted to, but that was something she also resisted. This was all supposed to be a fresh start, wasn’t it? So how had she managed to mess it up so badly? Why was everything still following her?

[Joshua Bernstein]

Yulia's admission that she'd used her power quite a bit in her military days was an uncomfortable one, though expected. She'd been in the military, hurting other people came with the territory. That didn't mean he liked or understood it, even if he didn't blame her, exactly: he was sure she wasn't given much of a choice, perhaps wasn't given any choice at all.

Truthfully, he felt terrible for both her and Sean that the only way they could be mentally healthy was to be ripped away from their families, but it was surely far worse for her, forced into the military. Even if they had trained her so that she didn't accidentally hurt others (only on purpose) it as still a terrible way to treat someone else.

"I didn't want to relive any of mine either." He told her, reaching over to pat her on the shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring manner. "I would rather forget. Well, no, I wouldn't, Sean offered to make me forget, and I don't....I don't want to forget that he and Cobalt saved me, you know? But if you can't forget, then you have to....have to talk about it and put it in context as Sean says. It's too hard to do, I don't blame you for not wanting to. But you should be smarter about it than me, I'm a stubborn old man, you're still young enough to be flexible."

It was a lame attempt at levity, and he knew it, but he didn't want her to make the same mistakes as he did.

"It's unfortunate, if you don't talk and relive things they come back to haunt you anyway."

[Yulia Sokolov]

Perhaps the most difficult part of coming to Pilot Ridge was the cross cultural shock that she had experienced to a point. There was no good way of framing her life to them without it sounding somewhat unfortunate as compared to life here in America. While sometimes it felt like the world was closing in it was true that they had so many options here. She didn’t want to meet with pity here, this was her new life and yet it kept getting tangled in the old. Part of that was her fault, as that life was really the only reference she had. Yet she still felt a need to explain, though for the moment she held off.

The hand on her shoulder was surprisingly comforting, and Lia nodded at what he said. She understood where he was coming from. She tried to think of what she would have done. Would she have chosen to forget? No, she could not, it was all too tired into her old life. Then again, she had already forgotten what had happened most recently. And in the face of that she ached for remembrance. Now her brow knitted a little as she looked at Josh, her hand reaching up to the hand he had placed on her shoulder, her fingers resting on it.

“I… don’t know if I can. You see putting this into context, well I feel like I would need to put my entire life into context and that is far too complicated a thing for me to do. My life in Russia, well it wasn’t bad, not considering what it could be. I could be stuck in Norilsk still, I could have ended up as miserable as my sister. Things have not been easy but it has brought me here, and that means the world to me, it really does. I feel like viewing any of it as a trial or a struggle would be such a betrayal, considering how blessed I’ve been.”

Then Lia forced out a small laugh. “It does blow my mind thought, pardon the phrase, about how many issues float around. Don’t they know how lucky they are?”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh allowed Yulia to capture his hand with hers, simply resting it on her shoulder as she spoke. He thought he would feel the same way she did, had their backgrounds been similar, because that was so much like how he felt now. He was privileged, and he was aware of this (most of the time) and he felt as if he couldn't really complain in good conscious sometimes, knowing how much worse off other people were. But keeping all his insecurities to himself (or rather, trying to, because he wasn't very good at hiding things) had never been mentally and emotionally healthy.

"There's a lot of....ahhh....a lot of different needs people have." He said after a long moment of silence as he considered her words. "Some people may be very privileged in some areas but be emotionally starved or abused." Or they could be like him, and emotionally cripple themselves. "And not all....ahhh...some poor mental health is from disease, not from outside factors. Depression can be triggered by outside forces or it can just happen for no reason anyone can tell. Like cancer, some of it is environmental and some is genetic and some you just don't know."

He shrugged lightly, not sure if any of that would be helpful to her; it didn't always seem to help him, and she had much more reason to be in a funk than he did.

"But I suppose really it's okay to admit that sometimes life has been a trial. I hate doing that, I really do, I never had to worry growing up about anything really, and my parents paid for my education, and I've been well off my whole life. It does feel absurd saying oh, my life is so hard, because compared to other people I have it easy, but everyone has struggles. Sean thinks it's healthy to own up to them instead of trying to carry them on your own. I can't say I'm all that good at it."

His free hand slid into his pocket, feeling for cigarettes. "We can pretend to be stronger than we are together. If one of us slips the other can just silently help and not say anything so our pride remains intact, what do you say?"

[Yulia Sokolov]

Yulia tried to understand this as best she could. She was not the most apt at psychology, having come from a background where such things were not a priority in the least. All she knew was that it was strange for her, hearing some tell her that she was so unfortunate being placed into the military the way she was, when she had always seen herself as lucky for it. There had certainly been difficult parts, and painful parts, but she didn’t really have any other options. Now she was faced with terms to describe it that she herself did not fully understand. She waited as Josh tried to explain, and had she understood more about the base of all of this it might have been even more effective.

“Emotionally starved?” She had never heard that term before. It made her feel slightly anxious. What was that supposed to mean? She understood abuse, she absolutely understood that and it made her think of the pits. She did know one thing about mental health, well sort of. She knew that disability was a result of social construction. There were social norms that did not always translate, and that caused some hesitance on her part. And then the bit about depression was not comforting at all, so thought Lia and so said her bruises. But then came something that she did understand. “Ah, yes, environmental I know. I am from Norilsk, we have mines and many people end up with lung problems.” Other problems too, but the main concern were always the lungs.

“I know what you mean. My parents were very good to me as well. We never were cold, we never went hungry, which is a lot considering their means. Of course when my ability manifested, well they were scared of me then, but that happens I think. And the military taught me a great deal. Still I…” She paused and pondered whether or not she wanted to say what was on her mind, and then continued regardless. “I think the guilt is the worst part, and there are just some things that you never forget, they are in your head forever.”

Lia considered Josh’s idea for a moment. “Yes, I think that is a good idea.” She was honestly getting a little antsy. She knew that some of her answers to his questions were far from appealing, and she really did not want to reveal any more of her military time. It barely even mattered now. Life was already so different from what she had intended.

“Sometimes I think about going back to Russia and trying to help. I’m not sure how exactly, but any way that I could really.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh was perfectly happy to turn his attention away from talk of trauma and feelings; he wasn't comfortable with this sort of topic exactly, though he did understand the necessity. When he was younger he'd been a bit better able to discuss emotions, but that ability had atrophied over time. And besides, it was clear that Yulia wasn't any more comfortable with this than he was; she would be better off talking to, if not Sean, then at least someone else with the skills to truly handle the situation.

Perhaps Ben. His dealings were largely with children, but children were still human beings, so surely he could translate his training into a way to help Yulia.

He smiled as she expressed a desire to go back and help; he always approved of volunteer work, and overseas missions to help people in countries that hadn't quite the freedom and progressive values of America. And as she was from Russia she would better understand what needs they had.

"I'm sure there are ways to be involved." He assured her, rubbing her back soothingly. "Rights groups are always making trips to help serve, surely one of them would cater to both your needs and Russia's."

He found himself reaching for a cigarette, then, the emotional conversation too much. "Ahhh...do you mind if I step outside for a smoke?"

He didn't want to inconvenience her by smoking in the same room, that wouldn't be polite.

[Yulia Sokolov]

Yulia was glad that the topic was starting to change, and befuddled as she still was about everything that was happening around her. She supposed that frankly it just didn’t matter all too much, it was done, it was over, and she was fine. In fact maybe she had been a little worse than she had been in past years, but frankly she recovered, she always recovered. It seemed like she just survived everything that the world threw at her, and evidently everything she threw at herself.

When Josh brought up the service groups who went over there Lia nodded. She knew about them, and she knew that he was right. All the same her brow started to furrow again. She just had a few problems with those.

“I don’t think I could ever actually go,” she told him. “You see, they go to Moscow, mainly, I think. If I were to go back I would go to Norilsk I think. I’d go to see my family, if they wanted to see me that is, which I do not know about. Also for me to go back to Russia would be really dangerous. I don’t know how things have changed, or if they have at all in the military. I do not want to run the risk of being re-drafted.” Then Lia shrugged.

“It is a selfish reason, I know.” Josh’s cigarette gave her more or less the same idea. Lia stood and nodded, taking out her own pack from her pocket.

“That is a good idea, Ben hates it when I smoke inside of the house.” She was a little slower on the up stake out of the door. Still she had her lighter in hand as she stepped outside.

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh couldn't help but smile as Yulia confessed to being a fellow smoker. "Sean is the same way." He told her as they both made a mad dash for the door, cigarettes and lighters in hand as they stepped into the cool autumn air.

He leaned back against the door, inhaling slowly. "There are smaller, ahhh, missions, aren't there?" He asked thoughtfully. "I know some religious congregations send small groups to more obscure places at times, particularly if they have sort of a, ahh, a sister congregation. But if you could arrange something with your family, perhaps, or ask them if there were a way to have a small group go over. A medical team or something."

He did sympathize with her desire not to be re-drafted, however. "But then again, if you're worried about your safety, perhaps it would be best to simply try and be the liaison and raise awareness about the plight of Norilsk and encourage a group to go."

That wouldn't help her in her quest to visit her family, though. He wished he had an all encompassing solution, but he simply didn't.

"They can't re-draft you, though, can they? Aren't you a US citizen now? Or are you here on a work visa?"

[Yulia Sokolov]

Yulia puffed on her own cigarette. “I am sure, I am sure, then again my family was never horribly off in Norislk. We were not wealthy, not by any means, but we got by. I suppose my attendance at Odarennyi didn’t really hurt things either, it would have been one less mouth to feed. Also both of my sisters are married now, so they are not dependent on my parents.” So all in all things were not that bad. “They sent me notes about things like that.”

“Things are not fabulous, but as much as I want to go and see them I do have some idea that it would just make things worse. People get used to their lives as they are. And you know I say I would like to go back and see them, but if I don’t I’ll be alright. I mean, that place isn’t home anymore, it hasn’t been for a while. Now, here is home. And really I do not need to change or fix what is not broken.” That was the simple answer to it all.

“Oh if I went back there I think that they could. It doesn’t work there like it does here. If they wanted to say, oh, well since you are here now and we need you then you must do this, there is very little that I could do about it.”

She also thought of what had almost happened to Anya. If they wanted to they could also do much worst to her. They could take away whatever freedoms they wanted. After all she was technically dangerous, and that had been half the inspiration in leaving Russia. She needed to get out of there before they decided that she needed to be contained.

“And asides, I am here on a work visa. I am working towards citizenship, but it is a very long process.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh had heard similar remarks from Mitya about how Russia treated its citizens. The other man had been so reluctant to join his protest for that reason, and now....well, they'd fared better in America than they would have elsewhere, but that was due in part to Sean's intervention. He doubted his friend would join him again.

"It's good you still keep in touch." He commented encouragingly, watching puffs of smoke curl into the crisp autumn air. "It must be easier to be apart when you can still know how they're doing."

Her reasons for feeling torn were understandable; he was sure he would feel the same way. Particularly when she confessed that she was in America on a visa.

"It is a terribly long process." He agreed, furrowing his brow in frustration. It wasn't fair how long it took, decades in some cases. "I don't suppose you've tried applying for asylum?" If she was in danger of being redrafted if she returned then perhaps that would put her on the fast track. Of course, even citizenship didn't stop other governments from imprisoning people if they wanted, and they couldn't start a war over one person. Diplomatic solutions could take years to see someone free.

It might be better for her to stay on American soil after all.

"Maybe instead of visiting them you could try and raise money to have them visit here and simply try and educate people on the plight of metas in Russia. I'm sure you could find people willing to pitch in, people who could travel with less fear for their safety."

[Yulia Sokolov]

“The last time I heard from them was over five years ago, we don’t keep in touch. They would send me messages when someone was married or born or died, and that is it.” It was more like they just sent her the necessary information, actually, that was exactly what it was. As such she didn’t really feel like she had any sort of claim on her family. She did wonder if one day she was get a note that one of her nieces or nephews was like her. She hoped not.

“It isn’t hard to be apart, we’ve been apart for long enough that it isn’t difficult anymore. I guess I am their black sheep, but I don’t really mind it. I don’t think that they know where I am anymore. I can’t remember if I forwarded that information.” She shrugged and set her attention back on her cigarette.

Lia honestly didn’t feel that much stress over the citizenship issue. Just as long as she kept her job she was good to go, and that was why she was so particular about her privacy now, especially when it came communication between Josh and Sean about her accident. That could put her place in jeopardy, or at least she thought it could. She wasn’t completely sure in all fairness. And she shook her head when he mentioned applying for asylum. She didn’t want to do that, she didn’t want to risk rocking ant boats like that. If it became crucial then maybe she would, but hopefully it never would.

“I know, but I feel like the best thing I can do it not do anything, not draw attention to them, and just leave them alone. I can’t think of a reason why Hammel might fire me, I work hard, and so long as I keep that up I should be fine. Being a meta in Russia… well you just don’t want attention drawn to you. The less they know about you the better. For people like Evgeny and Mitya and myself, well, that is no good. They know exactly what we can do, they trained us.”

[Joshua Bernstein]

Josh had always had a close relationship with his family. He'd confided in his older brother almost (but not quite) everything, had dutifully (and, more than that, delightedly) worn the jacket Talia had made him in her home ec class, had taken all his mother's advice to heart, and had devoured any books his father had put in front of him. He'd been to both his sibling's weddings, and attended numerous birthdays for nieces and nephews. He considered both his siblings' spouses to be friends as well as in laws, and celebrated their successes along with Matt's and Talia's.

He'd never heard stories of his father's life in Germany, a fact he regretted sorely now that Bobby suffered Alzheimer's, and he'd never come out to any of his family, even now that he and Sean were living together once more. Instead he continued to email his siblings, and read their emails about his nieces and nephews. Sometimes they even talked on the phone. And he went to Burlington to spend time with his mother, particularly around important holidays.

He would never have been able to carelessly say he hadn't spoken to them much and that was fine, and so his heart went out to Yulia.


"I don't believe Hammel is known for firing people." He wracked his brain for any incidence he might have heard of from Sean, and come up blank. Just as Hammel's alumni had loyalty to the school, the school had loyalty to the alumni.

He shook his head as he took another drag from his cigarette. "Do you truly think it's better to leave them to their plight?" He wondered. That hardly squared with his ideals. "Isn't it better to try something than to allow them to suffer? I understand why you and Mitya would want to stay away, but educating those of us born into privilege here, so that we can make a difference, wouldn't that be better than turning a blind eye?"