Smack Into You - Cobalt

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Dinner was thankfully a success. Then again, Ben was glad Cobalt wasn't at all fussy about what he ate so he was more than happy to say, dinner went well. Very well.

With steaming mugs of hot chocolate on the coffee table across from them, Ben wrapped his arm around Cobalt on the couch, pulling the other man close. He was glad the other man was around. What's more was he wasn't actively protesting their close proximity.

One free hand snaked over to Cobalt's, his fingers playing with the rough skin on the back of Cobalt's palm. Without warning, he tilted his head and pressed his lips against the older man's.

This was going well...yes it was.

[Cobalt Weaver]

This was okay.

No, really. This was okay. This was allowed. This was safe. This felt nice, and he was allowed to think this felt nice. He was forty-six years old; he was allowed to feel this way. This was okay.

So when Ben kissed him lightly, Cobalt leaned into it, reaching up to press a hand to the side of Ben’s face. Keeping him there. His other hand squeezed Ben’s slightly before traveling up his arm to wrap around his shoulder. This was okay. Really, this was okay. Little hairline tremors shot up his spine, and he was dismayed to note that his hands were starting to shake. Hopefully Ben wouldn’t notice.

Determined not to freak out for once, Cobalt pulled Ben closer, kissing him more aggressively. He could do this. He wanted to do this. This was okay. This was…

This…

This is all your fault—

Cobalt was trembling now. No, no. This wasn’t his fault. This was nobody’s fault. They wanted this. Why couldn’t he allow himself to want this, Goddammit? But even as he struggled to ignore his own stupid brain, he could feel every half-formed fear and thought and condemnation tear away at something soft and vulnerable that Ben always seemed to coax out. And it hurt. He wasn’t aware of it, but he was starting to make distressed little half-noises that Ben would surely hear, and his hands were shaking far more noticeably now.

No. This was okay, he could do this. He wanted to.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

He could have ignored Cobalt's minute hesitation but then he was a little too busy grinning over the other man's reciprocation. Ben was so completely absorbed in the kiss that he almost ignored the noises coming from Cobalt. But soon, it was really hard to ignore and Ben moved away, concerned that he was doing something really wrong.

"Cobalt," he said softly, one hand cupping Cobalt's cheek oh so gently. "Hey, you okay?" he didn't want to talk. Frankly, he just wanted to continue with what they were doing. But he couldn't help but feel he was seriously doing something wrong and he didn't want Cobalt to force himself to do something he didn't want to do. That wasn't why they were together. Just because this could quite possibly not last, doesn't mean Ben was willing to chase the man away so soon by...forcing himself on to him.

There has to be a reason why Ben had been so hung up on the man in the first place.

"If you want to stop, we can stop. I mean...I'm good with just sitting here." He forced a smile on his face as he lied. It was kind of silly how he was being such a gentleman despite basically wanting to...suffice it to say, what Ben was picturing Cobalt's mouth doing had nothing to do with talking.

[Cobalt Weaver]

No…no, this wasn’t right. Cobalt’s eyebrows furrowed slightly in confusion as Ben pulled away, reaching up to cup his face in one hand. “I’m fine,” Cobalt lied, in a rough voice that sounded anything but fine, “Why’d you stop.”

Ben wasn’t supposed to notice. Ben wasn’t even supposed to be aware, and now he was caught, making things worse for both of them without even trying and Ben wasn’t supposed to know, Ben couldn’t know because if Ben knew than the fragile balance that they had, the little shred of equality their relationship possessed would be gone and then he would know just how awful Cobalt actually was and Cobalt didn’t want that. Cobalt wanted to be whole and he was starting to panic, just a little bit, finding it a little hard to breathe.

“I’m f—I’m fine.” Cobalt glared at Ben weakly, “Really. I don’t want to stop.” And he didn’t, but he also felt like if he continued on any further, the little edges of panic he was feeling now might catch hold of him, and nobody wanted that. Still, his hand curled in the fabric of Ben’s sleeve, tugging Ben forward half-heartedly. He didn’t know how to instigate, but he desperately wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. He was fine, really. This was okay.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben felt he knew enough about Cobalt not to show his amusement at the lie and the way Cobalt lied. Like a petulant child caught with the cookie in his mouth. And he definitely knew Cobalt more than enough to know never to say that to his face. That would probably just result in a physical altercation Ben was afraid he might lose. Cobalt may be small but Ben had a feeling he knew his way around a punch.

Ben did notice. He couldn't have not. Mostly because he knew when someone was genuinely kissing him and when someone was forcing themselves to. And Cobalt was clearly trying to make Ben think he was okay with this. God knows why the shadow manipulator wasn't okay with this. Ben knew he had issues, he just didn't know how deep it all ran.

And even as Cobalt pulled Ben close and Ben was so willing to continue what they had been doing, he wanted Cobalt to feel comfortable even more than he wanted physical gratification. "Come on...tell me." He gently caressed the other man's cheeks with his forefinger, smiling at him encouragingly.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt ran a hand through his hair, clearly and thoroughly stressed out now. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. This was supposed to be okay now. He was supposed to be better now. He leveled a look at Ben that was supposed to be stern, but Cobalt had the sickening suspicion that he just looked a little afraid. “There’s nothing to tell,” Cobalt informed him roughly, “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

He leaned against Ben, pressing his head to Ben’s shoulder, like he did before. In the hospital. Things were supposed to be different now. He was trying and nothing seemed to be working and he was still reaching for the clarity he had that day in the hospital, and the perspective he’d been given. He remembered the conversation he had with Leila in the office several days ago, and how heartbreaking that had been. But the message had been the same: Ben made him happy. The least Cobalt could do to return the favor was answer Ben’s question.

“…There are things in my brain that…hurt all the time.” Cobalt said finally, tracing little patterns into Ben’s sleeve, “And…sometimes. I can’t.” He growled a little bit, sitting up and running a hand through his hair, “Words are hard, okay? This,” He gestured between them, “Is hard. For reasons that I thought were over and done with. I’m supposed to be better about this.” He scowled, knowing he wasn’t making any sense, “…It’s not supposed to hurt anymore.”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben's arm instinctively wrapped around Cobalt's shoulder when the other man leaned into him. He briefly mused that this felt good. He knew he was acting a bit selfish but he couldn't help how he was feeling. Not really.

He certainly wasn't ready to hear what Cobalt had to say. He had finally relented and was saying things Ben was sure had been a long time coming. He must feel relief, Ben thought. But...it kind of stung. He didn't know why though!

The smile he had dropped a few inches and he nodded. "I'm not sure what to say to that...was your last break up that bad?" Ben asked, going way off on guessing what could possibly be wrong with Cobalt.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt stopped, blinking in surprise when Ben asked about his last breakup? What? He pulled away, just enough to squint up at Ben confusedly. God, the last time he dated someone was... what? Twenty three years ago? He'd never even mentioned it to Ben before. "...Not...really? I mean, we didn't part on the best of terms, but... OH." Cobalt started when he finally attached Ben's question with what he was saying before. "Oh. No, no, Ben." Cobalt had to laugh a little bit then, leaning back to affectionately bump his forehead on Ben's shoulder. "I'm sorry, no. I wasn't being clear."

But now he had to be. And that was always the problem. "I should explain. Um. I told you, before, that I grew up in a Children's Home. But um. I didn't..." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, "I grew up in a conservative, Catholic Children's Home. St. Ives. Complete with nuns and everything." He cracked a little smile at that, "The whole stereotype. And I was happy there. I didn't wanna leave. I had a community in the Church, and I went to Mass on Sundays and... and I had someone I loved very much, even if I didn't know it yet." He eyed Ben nervously, knowing the younger man would understand that it was Danny. "So imagine, being a completely happy, if a little weird, child who is content living one way. And then suddenly you're eleven and you've just kissed your best friend in the whole world and sent him straight to hell." Cobalt gave Ben a wry smile, aware that Ben definitely didn't know this part of the story. No one did.

"I don't practice anymore," Cobalt said slowly, "But that doesn't stop me from believing it, just a little bit. And it certainly doesn't stop me from reminding myself, in the hateful part of my brain, that what I'm doing isn't okay. Even though it is and I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks." He said this last part fiercely, because if Ben were to understand anything, it was that Cobalt wasn't ashamed of him. "It's just hard sometimes."

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Slightly distracted by the shoulder bump, Ben almost thought everything was back to normal but Cobalt disproved that theory quite quickly by telling him about his past. Ben frowned slightly, realising all too quickly what the problem apparently was. So this had all been religiously tied. And everything just made perfect sense.

Ben was a Christian. Or rather, his parents were and him and his brothers were all raised to be religious people. But they weren't stressed upon it. He sometimes fancied that his parents didn't quite care that he turned out this way because besides his orientation, Ben was still filial to his parents, still treated his brothers with love and he was still an all around honest to God decent guy.

He never would have guessed this was what plagued Cobalt and was making him feel so horrible. Pushing aside the fact that the person Cobalt was talking about was Danny, Ben seriously felt sorry for the bout of emotions that ridiculed the shadow manipulator. His heart broke that Cobalt felt this way. That he had been feeling this way for over four decades. That had to sting. And there he was worrying about Cobalt's previous love entanglement. God had he been wrong.

"I'm so sorry, Cobalt. I didn't know...I shouldn't have pushed you about this." He suddenly felt horrified that he had basically forced himself on to the older man, without even knowing anything at all. "I should have asked before. I'm...sorry." Running out of things to say, Ben almost curled himself up away from Cobalt but he kept close, although withdrawing his arms from around Cobalt.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt looked up, confused, when Ben pulled his arms away. No, this wasn't supposed to--he just wanted to explain why. He wouldn't even have told Ben, if the younger man had never asked. Because Cobalt had been afraid of this; he had shared too much, too soon, and now Ben was disengaging, when that was the last thing Cobalt wanted. Feeling a spike of panic lance through him, Cobalt shook his head, "No, no, Ben that wasn't... This isn't supposed to make you feel bad, it's just... something you should know." He wanted to reach for Ben's hand, or try to re-initiate their closeness, but he didn't know how. "I only told you this so you could understand why things were hard for me sometimes." One of the reasons, anyways. But Cobalt had worn out his desire to share his stupid "tragedies" and wanted instead to make things right again.

"Just-- look." He tried to iron out the anger in his voice. He wasn't angry at Ben. He was angry at himself. "You didn't know because I never told you. You couldn't have known. You pushed me because we both wanted something, and you cared enough to try to reach me. If you hadn't pushed me, I'd never be happy now. I'm happy now, Ben. You understand? I get stressed out a lot, and I'll get stressed out like this often. I told you that when we started. But ultimately, I've never been happier, okay?" He met Ben's eyes sternly, "I don't want to think about religion or old love lives or things I haven't practiced since I was a teenager. They don't matter anymore. You got it?"

He eyed Ben cautiously, having one more thing to say. "And... I guess I owe you a bit of an apology. For Danny. You still had no call to be so rude to him, but if your ultimate goal was to...um. Be with me. Then I guess you had some call to be concerned. So...maybe I was a little harsh to you. Before."

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben was an easy guy to please, and that bit of him was more than apparent now when Cobalt was the one trying to remedy the situation. He still felt bad about pushing Cobalt, no doubt he'd probably still feel guilty every once in awhile but for now, he was trying hard not to let his smile split his face as Cobalt told him how happy he was. This was better than anything he could have imagined. In fact...it was getting...beyond his expectations of a casual relationship.

...No. He wanted this. Cobalt wanted this. And Ben should stop over thinking every single thing he went through with the older man. Cobalt wanted the same thing he did. What more could he ask for?

When the older man took his hand, Ben allowed a small smile to emerge on his lips. Even when the shadow manipulator brought up Ben's stupidity with Danny, Ben's smile was still intact.

"Yeah...about that. I'm sorry I was such a dick. I honestly didn't mean to be...Danny's a really great guy! And how cool is it that he builds models for a living? But...um...yeah I...yeah." He gave the other man an embarrassed smile at his accuracy in determining Ben's foul mood towards Danny at first. He squeezed Cobalt's hand and pulled him close, giving the other man a small, gentle kiss on his forehead. "Thank you...for being honest." He rested his forehead against Cobalt's and smiled. "You're allowed to tell me to fuck off if you're not comfortable with something I do, you know."

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt felt himself smile when Ben smiled as well. He liked seeing Ben smile; his face lit up and his shoulders straightened and Cobalt was struck with the insane urge to hug him. He didn’t, because Ben was still talking, and apologizing about Danny, and it occurred to Cobalt that he really ought to let Ben off the hook for that. One day, he’d be able to explain himself without guilting Ben. He could work on that.

“No, Ben, really. It’s okay. I’m not—it wasn’t your fault.” He leaned against Ben when the other man pulled him close, feeling light and suddenly, absurdly happy. He grinned broadly when Ben rested his forehead against his own. “I do anyways, what are you talking about.” Cobalt laughed slightly, reaching up to cup his face, rubbing his thumb along the smooth skin of Ben’s cheek. “Thanks for understanding. And... for even asking.” And he meant it. He was so grateful for Ben just…understanding. As best he could.

“So.” He grinned, “Anything else on your mind?” He leaned forward and kissed Ben lightly, still smiling. It was a relief, feeling genuinely happy.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben nodded with an inaudible sigh of relief when Cobalt reassured him that he wasn't at fault. He still felt like it was because he was such a dick towards Danny. That was just inexcusable behaviour on his part. He was just glad Danny didn't think he was unforgivable! And of course, that Cobalt thought he wasn't at fault.

He chuckled lightly at Cobalt's response, closing his eyes against the contact, leaning in when the shadow manipulator cupped his cheek. This all felt so damn good. He was getting giddy just by the touch, it was ridiculous. Ben nodded with a smile at Cobalt's remark. "I'm glad you told me." He really was glad that Cobalt was actually willing to open up to him. After months of yelling and stupid meaningful stares...it was good to get the man to talk to him...with a smile on his face.

The smile on Ben's face grew as he thought of way too many inappropriate things he wanted to do now that Cobalt felt just that much more comfortable with him. The question came at such an inopprtune time though. He laughed at it, leaning into the kiss, unconsciously gripped the other man's shirt to keep him there. Ben didn't trust himself to answer the question, so he let the kiss do the answering. With one hand gripping Cobalt's shirt and the other sliding against the other man's waist, Ben slowly pushed Cobalt down against the arm of the couch.

[OOC: I don't know about you but this looks like a good place to wrap up ^^ And PS, y'all. This is not and FTB to sexytiems SORREH ^^]