Closed Up - No Tag
Sept 5, 2011 21:53:17 GMT -5
Post by Benjamin Rhodes on Sept 5, 2011 21:53:17 GMT -5
[OOC: This happens after this]
Ramen cooked, jazz music softly tinkling in the background, lights dimmed. Ben took a deep breath as he slipped a forkful of boiled noodles into his mouth. The phone conversation earlier was taking him back to his younger years.
A piece of his memory flashed through his mind as the music played on.
-----
October 5th 1989
"So I'm not feeling this."
Ben, all of eighteen years old, looked up to his first ever male hookup, a much taller fair-haired boy of twenty-one named Matt he had been seeing for over four months now. It had been the most amazing four months of Ben's life and that wasn't even counting the sex. The fact that this was going to be his own pattern for years to come didn't occur to him as he slid away from the older boy with a confused look on his face.
What had he done wrong? He had played it cool, he didn't call every day, they met according to when the older boy had free time...Ben did everything right. So why the hell was Ben the one hurting right now?
March 23rd 1993
"Maybe we should take a break."
The twenty-two year old college junior raised an eyebrow at his younger boyfriend of less than two months named Garrett before shrugging it off. This was the third break up in four years that Ben didn't instigate. Clearly the problem was Ben. What else could it be? Maybe he was too clingy. Or maybe he was too uptight? Too much of a mama's boy? Or simply so easy to break? Ben had had enough of this shit. There was no way in hell he was going to let this continue.
September 19th 1998
"Did I do something wrong?"
Ben looked down at his latest conquest and gave him a charming smile. "Of course not. I just think we need a little space. I've got my exams coming up, you've got your Bar exams. What is it your third?"
"But Ben, I kinda need you right now."
"Sorry Cole. Really. But I'm just not feeling this." He could hear his ex's voice right then and truthfully, Ben felt bad. But after being with Cole for like...six weeks, he knew it was bound to happen. It lasted long enough and Ben just knew Cole could find a better suited companion than him. It was just inevitable.
January 3rd 2006
Six months. This was the longest relationship he'd had with anyone. At all. And Ben was getting comfortable and he was beginning to think, this was it. This could be the last relationship he would have. Chris was fun, charming and an all around decent guy. Ben really liked him and for awhile, it looked like Chris liked him too.
Meeting the family had been easy. Everyone loved Chris and immediately took to him. Ben wanted more and he was surprisingly okay with that. So when Chris invited him to dinner, Ben was ready to ask him to move in.
"Ben...I can't tell you how much fun I've had the past few months with you."
"Six months," Ben grinned, scooping up a spoonful of wild rice into his mouth.
"Yeah," Chris laughed, a little nervously Ben had to admit. "Six months. I'm glad you're having as much fun as I am but..."
Ben's grin dropped and a few seconds later, so did his spoon. "Seriously? Over food?" He asked, crumpling up his napkin and throwing it on the table.
"I'm sorry, Ben I-"
An incredulous bark of laughter escaped Ben and he shook his head. "Don't be. Please. I should have seen this coming, really. But thanks. It's been fun!" He exaggerated the word as he pulled out of his chair and did his best not to storm out of Chris' apartment like a child.
Almost forty and still completely clueless. When will he ever learn?
------
Rubbing his forehead, Ben realised his appetite was gone. The record had stopped playing and all he could hear was the scratches and his breathing as he also realised that Cobalt, with all his issues, would probably bail as soon as he realises that Ben was just not worth much. He'd been a fool to think that it could work. To think that if he acted like this was casual that he wouldn't feel the way he was for the older man. Like he had with Chris. And Matt. And they had basically ruined him. Well, okay that was too much of an exaggeration. But the fact of the matter was, Ben hated the feeling Chris gave him. Hope that everything was good, everything was solid and then just sweep the rug from under him.
At least with Chris and Matt, the emotions came after four to six months after their initial getting together. But with Cobalt, hell it started even before they got together. And the fact that everything was just way too easy; the smiles, the touches...it was just too good to be true. Ben hated being the jerk. But if it helped him avoid the post breakup emotional harrassment, Ben was all for it.
Ben leaned over to the record player and pulled the dial up and switched it off. With a sigh, he left the room and closed the lights.
Ramen cooked, jazz music softly tinkling in the background, lights dimmed. Ben took a deep breath as he slipped a forkful of boiled noodles into his mouth. The phone conversation earlier was taking him back to his younger years.
A piece of his memory flashed through his mind as the music played on.
-----
October 5th 1989
"So I'm not feeling this."
Ben, all of eighteen years old, looked up to his first ever male hookup, a much taller fair-haired boy of twenty-one named Matt he had been seeing for over four months now. It had been the most amazing four months of Ben's life and that wasn't even counting the sex. The fact that this was going to be his own pattern for years to come didn't occur to him as he slid away from the older boy with a confused look on his face.
What had he done wrong? He had played it cool, he didn't call every day, they met according to when the older boy had free time...Ben did everything right. So why the hell was Ben the one hurting right now?
March 23rd 1993
"Maybe we should take a break."
The twenty-two year old college junior raised an eyebrow at his younger boyfriend of less than two months named Garrett before shrugging it off. This was the third break up in four years that Ben didn't instigate. Clearly the problem was Ben. What else could it be? Maybe he was too clingy. Or maybe he was too uptight? Too much of a mama's boy? Or simply so easy to break? Ben had had enough of this shit. There was no way in hell he was going to let this continue.
September 19th 1998
"Did I do something wrong?"
Ben looked down at his latest conquest and gave him a charming smile. "Of course not. I just think we need a little space. I've got my exams coming up, you've got your Bar exams. What is it your third?"
"But Ben, I kinda need you right now."
"Sorry Cole. Really. But I'm just not feeling this." He could hear his ex's voice right then and truthfully, Ben felt bad. But after being with Cole for like...six weeks, he knew it was bound to happen. It lasted long enough and Ben just knew Cole could find a better suited companion than him. It was just inevitable.
January 3rd 2006
Six months. This was the longest relationship he'd had with anyone. At all. And Ben was getting comfortable and he was beginning to think, this was it. This could be the last relationship he would have. Chris was fun, charming and an all around decent guy. Ben really liked him and for awhile, it looked like Chris liked him too.
Meeting the family had been easy. Everyone loved Chris and immediately took to him. Ben wanted more and he was surprisingly okay with that. So when Chris invited him to dinner, Ben was ready to ask him to move in.
"Ben...I can't tell you how much fun I've had the past few months with you."
"Six months," Ben grinned, scooping up a spoonful of wild rice into his mouth.
"Yeah," Chris laughed, a little nervously Ben had to admit. "Six months. I'm glad you're having as much fun as I am but..."
Ben's grin dropped and a few seconds later, so did his spoon. "Seriously? Over food?" He asked, crumpling up his napkin and throwing it on the table.
"I'm sorry, Ben I-"
An incredulous bark of laughter escaped Ben and he shook his head. "Don't be. Please. I should have seen this coming, really. But thanks. It's been fun!" He exaggerated the word as he pulled out of his chair and did his best not to storm out of Chris' apartment like a child.
Almost forty and still completely clueless. When will he ever learn?
------
Rubbing his forehead, Ben realised his appetite was gone. The record had stopped playing and all he could hear was the scratches and his breathing as he also realised that Cobalt, with all his issues, would probably bail as soon as he realises that Ben was just not worth much. He'd been a fool to think that it could work. To think that if he acted like this was casual that he wouldn't feel the way he was for the older man. Like he had with Chris. And Matt. And they had basically ruined him. Well, okay that was too much of an exaggeration. But the fact of the matter was, Ben hated the feeling Chris gave him. Hope that everything was good, everything was solid and then just sweep the rug from under him.
At least with Chris and Matt, the emotions came after four to six months after their initial getting together. But with Cobalt, hell it started even before they got together. And the fact that everything was just way too easy; the smiles, the touches...it was just too good to be true. Ben hated being the jerk. But if it helped him avoid the post breakup emotional harrassment, Ben was all for it.
Ben leaned over to the record player and pulled the dial up and switched it off. With a sigh, he left the room and closed the lights.
