I Was Expecting You [closed]

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Surprisingly, Ben hadn't been moping and yearning for Cobalt this time around. No, of course he thought about Cobalt constantly but unlike the first time they parted ways, Ben was just simply unable to sit down and contemplate on things. He actually kept busy at the LGBT center, throwing himself into helping the growing number of people who came through the doors.

His work kept him busy the rest of the time and he was trying to repair his relationship with Yulia, after the whole not-really-a-suicide-attempt incident.

And in the times he actually did have time to think, he would usually just put on some records and let the music consume him.

It wasn't so much that he hadn't had time, he just simply didn't want to think about his ex. The way they parted, it just wasn't right. What Cobalt had said before during their fight...and what he himself had said...they weren't right. Ben didn't think Cobalt was broken and he prayed to God that Cobalt didn't really think he would even allude something like that with anybody, least of all his kids.

Suppressing his emotions had been easy though. He hadn't let that thought compromise his work. In fact, so far none of his patients left the room with a heavy heart. He made damn sure of it.

He was winding down for the day in his music room when he heard the door knock. Persistently. Rubbing his eyes, Ben crossed the hall and answered the door, finding that he wasn't surprised that it was Danny. This visit was inevitable. "Why don't you come in?" He stepped aside for Danny to go through, the hand on the doorknob loosening.

[Danny Silverman]

Danny really, really, really hadn’t meant to come here. He hadn’t wanted to. When Ben and Cobalt had broken up at first, he’d been determined that he wasn’t going to show much partiality to one or the other. Much because Cobalt was his best and oldest friend, and Ben was just an acquaintance who Danny wanted to know better, but hadn’t really got around to it. So of course he wanted to try and stay friends with both.

But Cobalt had been so shaken up about it that any determination he’d had to keep in touch with Ben had slowly weakened. First it had started with Cobalt’s demands to know if he was okay—his constant need for reassurance that he was always happy to offer. Then he’d weaseled out the reason why. And then every attempt to talk to Ben had vanished, just like that.

How could you say something like that—something so incredibly hurtful—to another human being? Especially one you were supposed to like? Especially to Cobalt? He couldn’t understand it. Didn’t want to understand it. No, Cobalt wasn’t “normal,” and it took him a while to trust. But because of that, Danny found it all the more precious when he did put his trust in anyone. How could anyone betray that—force Cobalt to unfold faster than he already was? Didn't Ben know how hard it was for Cobalt to even give an inch?

And as Cobalt’s fragile state continued, Danny had grown more and more frustrated. He’d thought of going to talk to Ben, but had decided that would have been worse. Winding up here had just been an accident. He’d been passing through…but in any case.

He was just staring ahead as Ben opened the door, and turned his attention to the man. He wasn’t smiling, and his dark eyes regarded Ben gravely.

“I think I’ll just stay out here,” he said. “I’m sorry, but I don’t have long.” And he didn’t want to feel more sympathetic toward him. He didn’t want to be here for longer than he had to be. “I wanted to talk to you about Cobalt. Have you seen or talked to him at all?”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

The stoic look on Danny's face was a little unnerving but Ben took it to mean that he had done a bang up job of ruining his chances of any form of reconciliation with Cobalt.

Great.

His refusal to come in had Ben scratching his forehead. His heart was hammering in his ear as he waited for the list of his crimes. But when none came and he was only asked if he had talked to Cobalt, Ben frowned slightly and looked up at Danny quizzically.

"We...we broke up, Danny. I don't think he wants to acknowledge my existence anymore."

[Danny Silverman]

Danny knew that. Except he'd never been able to let go of anyone he'd broken up with so easily. He just couldn't. Part of him had still always wanted it to work out. Just because he really hoped he hadn't done anything wrong. For someone not willing to make that step...well, it baffled him.

"Not at all?" he asked, then shook his head. He pushed up his glasses and stared up at Ben. "Oh. I'd thought you might...well. I kind of hoped I could convince you to...to..."

Another hesitation. This was stupid. Really, really stupid. Ben didn't care. He hadn't even tried to make contact, which frustrated him and put him at a loss at the same time. But he shook his head and pushed it aside.

"Apologize to him," he said. "Even if you aren't talking or seeing each other, I think you need to do it. For his sake, and for yours."

[Benjamin Rhodes]

The lump in Ben's throat grew with every word that left Danny's lips. Feelings he had been suppressing the past couple of weeks were starting to bubble up to the surface. What Ben had hoped could just be brushed under the carpet simply due to him thinking Cobalt wanted nothing to do with him anymore was now becoming even more tangible than before.

There was no way he could go to Cobalt now and apologise. If not for the fact that Cobalt had a weak knee, Ben had a daunting feeling that Cobalt could break him into tiny little pieces.

Yes, Ben was ridiculously frightened of the man. He was being a complete coward about this, he knew that.

"I...I can't." Ben whispered, looking down at the floor, trying to keep his emotions in check. He didn't know Danny well enough to break down and cry in front of him. "I just can't go over to him and apologise and not want him ba-" Ben stopped himself from going any further. Danny didn't need to know anything. No.

[Danny Silverman]

Danny didn’t seem to miss any of it. He was still staring at Ben through his glasses, as if trying to look into his very soul to figure out just one thing—why. And he kind of was. He didn’t get it. He liked Ben. He’d thought Ben might be good for Cobalt, if anyone was going to be. He’d kind of thought…but it didn’t matter. He watched as Ben stared down at the floor, then cleared his throat.

“I’m not asking you for that,” he said. “And I don’t think I’d want him to take you back anyways. I don’t think…” This was harsh. But it needed to be said. He couldn’t have Ben hurting him again, but he also needed Ben to say something, so Cobalt wasn’t damaged for the next guy who came along. Or to make Cobalt feel like he wasn’t worthless. Because Danny knew that he wasn’t—far from it.

“I don’t think you know what he is,” he said at last. “I don’t think you understand…why he is. And I don’t want you to try something with him until you understand. ‘Cause he can’t handle someone hurting him, not really. What you said…” he gave him a serious, troubled look. “He can’t handle that. Can’t you apologize and not think about wanting him back?”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

The grip Ben had on his doorknob tightened as he fought the urge to slam the door in Danny's face. Not out of spite but he really couldn't hear what Danny had to say. He couldn't help but agree with everything Danny said. And in all seriousness, he knew that he didn't deserve to get Cobalt back.

Ben could feel all the telltale signs of the impending breakdown he was about to have in front of the man who had given birth to a copious amount of insecurities in Ben. That was not an option he was willing to explore. And there was no way he could handle trying to play the victim in this situation. He really wasn't.

As cruel as it was to hear those words being uttered, Ben knew they were right. He just wasn't enough of a man to admit it.

"I don't think you understand, Danny." The break in his voice was humiliating. "I can't. I'm sorry but I just can't." His hand was already pushing the door. He couldn't listen to anymore without breaking down.

[Danny Silverman]

Danny lifted his hand to catch the door—just lightly, so if Ben wanted to close it, he could. He wasn’t going to force himself on Ben. But he did want the other man to hear him out. He couldn’t stand for this to continue. He needed Cobalt to be helped. He needed for him to be okay. It hurt him to see his friend like this, and this was the only method he could even think of.

“What don’t I understand?” now his voice was unsteady, and his eyes were wide, like a child’s. “How can you say that? You’re supposed to help people, to help them feel better about themselves. Can’t you think of Cobalt like this? I know he’s strange and he’s cold at times, but that’s who he is. You don’t understand what it’s like to be…to be an orphan. To be refused by couple after couple who don’t think you’re right for them. And to be taught a faith that is against and hates what you are. And that’s just the basics of what we went through. Can’t you understand that? Can’t you give him time to…to…accept what you are? Just time, Ben—why is that so hard to offer him? You’re supposed to be good at this! He’s not fucked up. He just is. And until you accept that, you can’t be with him.” He stared up at him and swallowed. “I won’t let you.”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

"Don't you think I've tried?" Ben asked, his eyes were beginning to water. "All I've wanted him to do is trust me enough to open up. I didn't mean what I said to come out that way." He sighed, angrily pawing at his eyes.

When Danny mentioned what Cobalt had to deal with, Ben's tears pooled in his eyes once more. Of course he wouldn't ever understand that. His life had been perfect. He has a set of parents who love him, he had a roof over his head the whole time and he never had to go through any kind of hardship. There was no way Ben could ever understand what it's like for Cobalt.

"All I would accomplish by showing up on his doorstep now is anger him further." Ben whispered. "There's no way he would believe anything I say." His chest felt constricted as he realised that Danny had every right to stop Ben from ever seeing Cobalt. "You should probably never let me near him." Ben stepped away from the door, letting it swing lightly on it's hinges.

[Danny Silverman]

“But it did.” Danny understood saying stuff you didn’t mean. But he was also a fervent believer in trying to fix that. “It did come out that way, and if you really didn’t mean it, then you should try to fix it. He let you close enough to care about him! You can’t fix him. And you can’t force him. It’s just patience.”

He noticed the way Ben’s eyes watered, and in spite of his determination, his own mouth tightened in sympathy. He reached for Ben’s hand, but then stopped, shook his head, and withdrew it. He knew that the man wanted him to go away, and as he swallowed, he withdrew a couple of steps.

“Please. If you care about Cobalt, if you care at all—you’ll talk to him. You’ll say sorry. And then you’ll wait, because that’s all he needs, really. Just time. Please. I can’t stand to see him like this anymore. And I can’t fix it, but you can! Think about it, please.” And he withdrew to let him shut the door, if he needed to.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Unaware of Danny's brief sympathy, Ben felt stupid for exposing himself to Danny of all people.

When Danny pulled away finally, Ben took a beat to stare at the gaping door, wondering if there was any way he could just undo this whole conversation. He felt like every bit of him was crumbling.

So much for suppressing his feelings.

Ben reached one hand out to push the door closed, leaning against the wall behind the door.

[ooc: wrapped TTT_TTT]