You'll Never Be What Is In Your Heart [closed]

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt found that he liked feeding ducks. Ever since he had done it with Josh a few weeks ago, he made a point to go every once in a while. After his talk with Sean the other night, he thought that some peace would do him some good. It was cold, because it was Vermont in late November, and Cobalt had long since lost feeling in his toes, but still he stood, throwing bread at the ducks and mulling things over in his head.

He didn’t feel much different. Or rather, he felt as though a lot of him was stuffed full of cotton. But that was how he always felt right after he had undergone something particularly stressful. He wasn’t all that concerned.

Some ducks had waddled closer, interested in the leftover, slightly stale bread that Cobalt was tossing to the ground. The corners of his mouth lifted as he tossed them more bread. Cobalt didn’t care one way or another about ducks, but he thought the activity was relaxing.

So involved was he in the activity that he didn’t notice someone walking up next to him.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

It was a bit nonsensical to be out and about in this weather but the house was starting to suffocate the forty year old psychologist despite it's emptiness. Wrapped in his overcoat, Ben left the house and started to walk.

After talking to Josef and Danny, Ben couldn't stop thinking about how he would go to Cobalt to apologise. He obviously had to. Grovel at his feet if need be. He didn't know the man well enough to accurately wonder if he was a forgiving man but Cobalt had given him plenty of chances before. Had that last screw up been the straw that broke the camel's back? Ben surely hoped not.

He could probably handle the man not ever talking to him again but the thought of the man hating him or never forgiving him was sort of unbearable.

Shaking his head, he looked to where he was and the sight of Cobalt near the lake stopped him in his tracks. He couldn't really be seeing the man. Not here. Feeding ducks. He blinked a few times before realising that it really was Cobalt and not just his imagination.

Breathing calmly, Ben slowly approached the man from behind and once he was standing directly behind him, he raised one hand up to the other man's shoulder and patted gently. "Hey,"

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt tsked at an overenthusiastic duck who was experimentally trying to eat the tip of Cobalt’s boot. “Get off,” He chastised the bird while nudging it gently away. He never realized ducks were so strange before. While he was pondering this life mystery, someone lightly tapped him on the shoulder. He startled slightly and turned around at the summons.

His eyes widened and his hands instinctively found their pockets, which was sort of hard, since one of them was holding the bag of bread. “Ben.” Cobalt swallowed against the sudden dryness in his throat. He hadn’t seen the other man since the day they decided to stop seeing each other, and he was surprised to realize how much it still stung. His heart sped up, and Cobalt couldn’t tell if it was because he was surprised or nervous.

He didn’t really know what to do, so he turned and threw another piece of bread to the impatient ducks. “How’s it going?” He turned blue eyes to the man, and couldn’t hide the wariness that lay behind them.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

For a moment, Ben thought he saw something in Cobalt's eyes that gave him hope but it had to be his imagination because not even a second later, he was treated with a bout of wariness from the other man.

Suffice it to say, it stung.

Of course, the man deserved to be. After what Ben had done...

Maybe apologising wasn't the best thing to do now. Or ever.

...No, he was already there. If he didn't apologise, any little form of respect Cobalt ever had for him would die.

"Uh..." Ben pocketed his hands and looked down at his shoes. "Fine." He replied. "How are you?" He asked awkwardly.

[Cobalt Weaver]

To say that Cobalt was bewildered was an understatement. He didn’t know the etiquette for talking with an…with an ex before. And it alarmed Cobalt how reluctant he was to call Ben an “ex”. But it was true. The other man had made it very, very clear that he didn’t want much to do with Cobalt, and Cobalt would respect that. Indeed, Cobalt wasn’t even sure he wanted anything to do with Ben. He was working on getting better, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t fully aware that Ben now knew exactly where to hit him that would hurt the worst. And that was worrying.

But all Ben seemed interested in was dialogue, which was unexpected, but maybe it shouldn’t have been. Maybe that was how things were supposed to work now. Cobalt thought he could live with that.

He was still feeling raw and a little torn open, and he didn’t really know how to deal with this at the moment, but he was willing to try. “I’m all right,” Cobalt replied cautiously, “Had a bit of a hectic week, but nothing much.” He thought about telling Ben about his long conversation with Sean, and how he was working on getting better. He thought about telling Ben that he was trying to fix things, but on his own terms. However, he didn’t think that would make much of a difference anyways. Even if Ben knew, Cobalt didn’t know if it would make a difference.

"What about you?" Then, realizing he'd already asked that, he clarified, "How have you been lately?" He noted that Ben looked tired, and worn down, and he was instantly concerned, but maybe that was a thing he couldn't comment on anymore.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Not knowing what Cobalt was thinking had always killed Ben but not so much as it did now. It pained him that he couldn't say the right things to soothe the situation.

"Oh..." Ben replied to Cobalt's answer. Had he known Cobalt was keeping things back because he was worried that it wouldn't make a difference, Ben would have been upset. Even worst, that Cobalt thought he had to fix things on his own would probably crush Ben. Especially since he had been the catalyst. In the worst way possible.

"I'm...I'm okay." Ben replied with a small shrug. Cobalt didn't need to know that he hadn't been fine. He had lost any privilege to Cobalt's sympathies the moment those words left his mouth.

"Cobalt..." Ben started. The words were not properly formed in his head but he had to give it a shot. If he didn't, he would chicken out and this apology won't even materialise. "I know I don't have any right to ask for your forgiveness. I know I did wrong by you but please understand that I didn't mean to." He paused, trying to breathe properly.

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt eyed Ben cautiously as Ben stumbled around for something to say. He didn’t quite know what to expect from the other man anymore. And that loss of trust hurt. Cobalt’s brow furrowed slightly in a quiet wince when Ben finally got to the point of his visit. Somehow, this apology seemed more genuine than the half-grumbled, reluctant apologies that they had given each other those weeks ago, and Cobalt didn’t know how he felt about that.

In truth, he was still hurt. He didn’t like to admit it, even now, but he still felt like Ben had given him a cut that was still bleeding. And Cobalt, in part, took some kind of responsibility. Not for what Ben said—that was all his own fault—but for knowing exactly how to hit where it hurt. Cobalt had never pulled any of his verbal punches with Ben, so it was only logical that Ben would learn how to do the same. As far as Cobalt was concerned, he might have made Ben a worse person, just a little bit.

But that didn’t excuse Ben for what he said. Cobalt rubbed the back of his neck and tried to think of what he should say. “Oh. Well,” He tilted his head to look Ben in the face, “Thank you for the apology. I…don’t really…” He stopped, trying to figure out how to say but it’s not enough without seeming like he was asking for anything more.

“I suppose I owe you an explanation,” Cobalt began, “About why I took it so poorly but…” He shrugged, “to be completely honest, I don’t think I want to talk about things like that. My past and stuff. It doesn’t…it doesn’t matter. I just didn’t realize you thought about me like that.” His mouth twisted in a grimace once those words came out. That sounded wrong. Sounded sad and pathetic. Damn.

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben sighed before shaking his head. "Cobalt, you have to understand...I don't. I don't see you that way." His voice thinned at the end. This wasn't going to be pretty. It didn't help that Danny's words were still echoing in his head. Combined with Cobalt's words, Ben knew he would start tearing up pretty soon.

Manly, Ben was.

"I shouldn't have pushed you to tell me anything. Your past is your past and I should have gotten that on the get go." He paused before taking one hand out of his pocket and running it through his hair. "I guess I just...a part of me just wanted you to tell me because I thought I could help...but you don't...you don't need to..." Ben choked a little but thankfully no tears came. He stopped talking and shook his head.

"I didn't mean to sound like you needed any help. I shouldn't have just assumed things."

[Cobalt Weaver]

Cobalt didn’t know what to make of this. He certainly didn’t want to argue with Ben about this point, because he honestly didn’t see the point in that, but he was pretty sure Ben did see him that way. Or at least had enough to say something like that. But he knew Ben’s face enough to see that the younger man was close to tears, and even as they were right now, Cobalt didn’t think he could bear to watch that.

He wanted to reach out and pull Ben into his arms and make him smile. He wanted to forgive everything and trust that it would never happen again and pretend nothing had ever happened at all and be happy. However, no amount of trust issues could be solved in a night, and moreover, this trust had been lost. Cobalt trusted Ben. And now he wasn’t sure if he did.

But he had to say something, because Ben sounded as though he was going to cry any moment, and Cobalt didn’t know what he would do then. So he sighed, “I really am grateful for your apology, Ben. I really am. I’m just…” Cobalt let out a wry laugh and tilted his head up to stare at the grey sky.

“I’m tired of people wanting to help me.” Cobalt said finally, “On their terms. I think…I’m going to start doing things on my terms. And I don’t think…” Cobalt bit the inside of his lip, a brief flash of pain crossing his face, “I don’t think I want someone who tries to help me all the time. I think want someone who knows everything and accepts it as is.” His chest was aching, and he actually wasn’t going to cry, but he certainly sounded like it, “I don’t know if you’re that person, Ben.”

[Benjamin Rhodes]

Ben was used to dealing with rejection. He got it from enough people that he should have grown immune to it. But nothing could have prepared him for Cobalt's words. Sure, the ducks were still quacking, the water was still moving, people were still talking and his heart was definitely still beating but Ben was completely unaware of it all.

To make things worst, all Ben could think of was that the person Cobalt just described was Danny. Cobalt wanted Danny and that made all the sense in the world for Ben.

Swallowing inaudibly, Ben nodded and ignored the stinging at the back of his eyes and his chest. "I understand." He said, barely audible. "I hope...I hope you find that...person. Take care, Cobalt."

And with that, Ben left.

[OOC: Wrapped 8( ]