Sometimes I Get Nervous [Closed]

[Chase Campbell]

Chase was fine. That was what he kept telling everyone, and that was what he was going to stick to. Physically, mentally, he was fine.

So why was he making his way down the hall during his free period to Sean's office? Normally, it could be chalked up to a social visit. In this case, it wasn't. He was going to Sean's office because James had asked him to. Multiple times. He now knew what it felt like for James during the summer, when he had been the one asking, begging, and pleading him to go talk to someone.

But there was a difference. James had been a victim.

Chase wasn't a victim. He was the opposite. And he was fine.

Okay, so he didn't use his power much (at all) anymore. Not even when Verax had been completely out of control in class the other day. And maybe his sleeping habits had changed (completely). And maybe guilt was slowly chipping away at him.

The worst had been James fully admitting that he just wasn't there anymore. Not like he'd always been. He was different. Oh, he went through the mechanics of the day. He taught his students, he walked home with his family, he helped Nikki with his homework. But he wasn't there. That had been the nail in the coffin, and Chase had finally agreed to talk to Sean.

At least, like everything else, he'd go through the motions.

Just because he was going to talk to Sean didn't mean he'd have to 'talk' to him. With those kinds of thoughts in his mind, he was actually glad his mental shields were so tight. It gave him an edge in situations like this. Just because he really was a mess didn't mean that anyone else needed to know. He was supposed to be the strong one.

The trainer knocked on the semi-open door before going in, doing a last minute check that his mental walls were secure. Sean wasn't going to get past them. "Hey, Sean." Like he would for any social call, Chase flopped casually onto the couch. "I'm yours for as long as you want." Maybe if he was laid back about the whole thing, Sean would just let him go.

... Yeah, right.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean actually was fine. Due to having adult problems and trauma thrust on him unwillingly at a young age, then exacerbated by an over-developed sense of personal responsibility and thirty years of involvement in the field of psychiatry, plus thirty five years at Hammel on and off, there wasn’t much that could faze him in the long term. He also had remarkable coping skills as a result.

His concussion had passed quickly, and after heightened concern for the students, and making it his business to sit and talk to everyone involved who was willing to do so, life had resumed at pace for him. Not everyone had coped as well as he had, which was to be expected, and James in particular had been speaking to him. Not merely about what had happened to him and Niko, but also about how Chase was handling it. Chase was purportedly handling this particularly poorly.

The telepath had given Chase space at first, but had planned to seek the younger man out for a conversation. Then he’d gotten word from James to expect Chase soon enough, and the psychiatrist had set aside time during Chase’s free periods until they had the inevitable conversation.

And when he heard a knock at a door and felt a mental presence, but not specific surface thoughts, he knew this would be a long afternoon. Chase had extremely strong mental shields, and while if push came to shove Sean could break through with a telepathic probe, that would do nothing for the purposes of this meeting. More telling, this meant that Chase had no intention of having an open and honest conversation about what had happened at the M.S.A.D. compound and how he was coping in the aftermath. Sean held back a sigh and gestured for the younger man to come in and make himself comfortable.

Sean moved from behind his desk to sit in one of the chairs at the other end of the office, across from the sofa where the trainer had settled. “That’s encouraging news,” he remarked as he folded his hands in his lap. “How was your morning?”

They could begin with safe topics and move on from there.

[Chase Campbell]

Okay. Chase wasn’t fine. He could pretend all he wanted, but he wasn’t fine. He wasn’t even close. He’d tried, and failed, to hide that from James. He wasn’t proud of that, lying to him all over again. Keeping things from him. Putting on a mask that was so clearly easy to read. He should have known better than to try to hide anything from his husband.

It was still hard for him to even look some of the staff members in the eye anymore. Anyone that had been hurt in the mission. Even Sean, he’d found it difficult. Morgan was the hardest. Because of him, he was now permanently changed in a physical way. Like everything else, Chase was blaming himself for that, too.

They were all changed, some more than others, but in some way, they were all changed. You couldn’t go through something like that without changing in some way.

Of course, you couldn’t kill anyone without changing, either.

He wasn’t going to let Sean look in to that, though. On the surface, he was calm. All the anxieties and stress and guilt was safely stowed away, because the last thing he wanted was to relive it all. He did that enough during his quite moments, at night when he couldn’t sleep. So as he flopped onto the couch, he ensured that everything was tight. It might not have been the best way to approach this, but he’d promised James he’d try. He was here, and that was all that had been required in that promise.

“All right. The kids have been really good lately.” Most of them, anyway. “Verax was a pain in the ass the other day, but that’s nothing unusual.” He paused, pretending for a moment that this really was just a social call. “What about yours?”

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The telepath was patient. He understood the nature of the game that Chase had initiated, and he was prepared to wait him out. That was a key element in psychiatry; the wait while the patient chose to open up at his own pace. Given recent events and the nature of what Chase was trying to process and suppress simultaneously, tearing into him was counterproductive. Even if it would be quicker. That was the same reason why he left the younger man’s mental shields untouched, and tuned out the man’s deceptively calm surface thoughts, which were functioning as the mental equivalent of white noise in both purpose and effect.

As such, Sean listened while the other man played his game of pretend, that this was a mere social visit and they would kvetch about the students and other mundane aspects of life. As though everything was normal. “I can imagine,” the telepath replied, referring to Vincent’s most recent stunt. “He ended up in my office recently for trying to leap through a ring of fire because he saw a tiger do it on a TV show.” That was unfortunately par for the course with Vincent, and while Sean liked him the same way he liked all of the students, he wished that he had either the intelligence or the manners to restrain himself.

“My day has been fine.” That was the truth, because he had returned to his routine, and for the most part, life had resumed its pace. Additionally, the day had been disaster-free, perhaps because of the impending meeting with the trainer that he’d been expecting. “It’s actually been rather slow, and so I’m glad that you stopped by.”

There was a pause before Sean asked an ostentatiously innocent question. “How are James and Niko faring?” He had more than one interest in their wellbeing.

[Chase Campbell]

Chase was not so patient. He’d proved that time and time again. But when it came down to self defence, because, at its core, that was what was this was, he had all the patience in the world. He could out-wait Sean. All he needed to do was keep his walls tight until the end of the session. Provided Sean didn’t surprise him with anything, he could do this. It would only be what, an hour? Two at the most? Sure, he’d have a bit of a headache afterwards, but it would be worth it. He’d told James he’d go. He hadn’t said he’d try. Though a part of him was still repenting, in a way, he was also denying the fact that he needed help to deal with everything that had happened. If he got help, maybe he’d stop feeling guilty. But he didn’t want that. He needed that guilt, because he deserved it.

Trying to give every sense that this was a normal visit, Chase forced himself to laugh quietly at Vincent’s stunts. It never seemed to stop amazing him, how far the kid would go to gain attention. “He was talking about that in class. I’m guessing Rixon helped him with that stunt?” He was the only pyrokinetic he could see actually helping Verax. “After he told me about the tigers, he decided it was appropriate to show me provocative pictures of men on his phone.” He leaned back, not thrilled to be reliving that particular encounter with the boy. “It’ll be a while before he gets that back.”

At least someone’s day had been fine.

And it was actually encouraging to be asked a question about his family. He’d been anticipating a direct attack. But his family, he could talk about. “I think they’re okay. Nikki’s doing really well. James thinks that friend of his is really helping him.” He wasn’t sure if James had mentioned that to Sean or not. “He’s a child psychologist, works at the Maddock Hospital. I think Nikki likes him. And James is doing well. I think he’s recovered from whatever the concussion did to him. He’s still stressed, but that should get better in time, right?” Or perhaps when Chase stopped resisting help.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

Sean hadn’t laughed, because he was the person who had needed to deal with the aftermath and whose plans had been inconvenienced as a result of Vincent’s stunt. He didn’t like being late, particularly not when he was the one who had initiated a plan. At least Willow had been understanding and had forgiven him for being late. He then nodded in affirmation after Chase made his guess as to an aggravating factor. “Now that Emma’s graduated, it’s always Sam.” The telepath then shook his head to himself. “Good for you for confiscating it. What provoked him? Did he finally realize that you’re married to James?” Unfortunately Sean couldn’t put that past Vincent; his memory also wasn’t the best and thus “finally” could refer to “most recently before forgetting.”

The psychiatrist leaned forward, actively listening, as Chase began to discuss his family. It was a start, and Sean did care about them as individuals, in addition to how the stress of their recovery and the entire situation affected Chase as his coworker, as his friend, and currently as his patient. “I’m glad to hear it; everyone has been worried about Niko particularly.” How could they not? He was in the school’s care, and everyone had bonded with him before James and Chase had become his foster parents. “James has mentioned his friend, yes, and I’m glad to hear that he’s helping too. Minimizing trauma is the key to recovery.” That was a lesson that should have been learned last summer, when James had put off his own recovery for months.

[Chase Campbell]

Most of the staff knew the pains of being delayed, thanks to stunts from any number of the Idiot Brigade’s group. Mostly Vincent. He’d been delayed in starting his next classes because of Vincent’s stunts far too many times. Not to mention being called on on multiple occasions to diffuse situations caused by the teenager. “The two of them need to graduate. Soon.” As for what had provoked it, he just shrugged. “I never know. I think the kid was dropped a few times as a baby.” Normally he had better manners than that when referring to the students, but the stress coupled with the distaste for the kid was putting a damper on them.

“Yeah. I know. A couple of the teachers have been asking about him. But he’s doing okay. James and I have been doing everything possible to help him.” Of course, Chase had been doing the same for James as well, all the while resisting any attempts at helping him. Because he was fine. Really. “His friend seems to be helping. He’s a nice guy. James met him here when they were both students, so he trusts him. Nikki seems okay with him too.” He was willing to let this topic go on for as long as necessary, in the hopes that perhaps they would run out of time, and he wouldn’t have to talk about how he was faring himself. “Is there anything else you think we should be doing for Niko? I mean, we don’t want to smother him, but… I really just want to help him get past this.” All the while burying his own head in the sand. Maybe he wasn’t such a great role model.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The telepath didn’t scoff, although the impulse was there. A key component in graduation was academic achievement, at the very list, maintaining a passing grade index. Vincent struggled with that even when he put in the effort, which he usually didn’t. Sam Rixon had more potential than Vincent, but his substance abuse didn’t help matters. “We both know that simply won’t happen.” Vincent would be here forever; Samuel at least until he was eighteen, if he didn’t have to take remedial classes and stay back a year. Neither was a candidate for early commencement. “Particularly not when November graduates.” She was the only one seemingly keeping that crew together, and unlike her friends, she excelled academically. Her graduation would be a heavy loss.

The psychiatrist listened as Chase began describing how Niko had been coping, and he nodded in approval. “Good. I’m glad to hear it. It’s important to find someone for him to open up to, and so if James’s friend can be that person, someone removed from the situation, all the better.” Sean then lifted his mug and took a sip before continuing. “Encourage an atmosphere of trust and love at home; make sure that Niko knows that he can talk to you both about anything and that what happened wasn’t his fault.” It was important for the boy to understand that the weight of the world wasn’t on his shoulders. He then added, “If you haven’t had the mortality discussion with him, it’s something that will need to be done, where he learns that we’re all mortal and his parents are fallible. I have some books if you want to borrow them.”

He took another sip from his mug and then put it down. It was time to hit a bit closer to Chase’s mental state with his next questions. “Has James been having any nightmares about it? Has he been withdrawing at all?”

[Chase Campbell]

Okay, so the idea of Vincent and Sam graduating was wishful thinking. That didn’t stop him from hoping, though. It wasn’t his class Verax was failing, unfortunately. The kid had near perfect grades as far as his power control went. Thankfully. If he didn’t have the automatic control over it, the kid would probably have ended up dead long ago. “I know. But it’s worth dreaming about.” The day Hammel was free from those two delinquents, it would be a happy place. Until then, they all had to suffer the indignities of dealing with that group. “I’ll miss that girl. She was such a good student. She’ll do well in University.”

At least one of their family members were coping with the situation. He was proud of Niko for how well he was doing. He’d never resisted the idea of talking to Roman, or doing the things that were supposed to help. He was such a good kid. It made the trainer smile. “He’s doing so well. I’m really proud of him.” Why couldn’t it be that easy for all of them? Adults seemed to have so many problems with accepting help, and Nikki was just… there, doing everything they were asking. “We’re trying. We’re really trying.” As for the mortality… both his parents had nearly faced death in the past few months. “I might borrow those, and talk to James. We’ll figure something out.”

He was content to keep the conversation on his family. But the questions, however seemingly innocent, made him frown a bit. “Not… really. Not anymore. He did during last summer, but not after he got kidnapped...” And for the first time during the meeting, his mental shields dipped as he thought about that. His insecurities threatened to spill before he locked his shields again. “He’s doing a lot better.” Sean didn’t notice that little slip, right?

[Dr. Sean Neville]

“I’m sure she will. The sky is the limit with her potential.” Sean had always been fond of November, and she was bright and dedicated; he was sure she could do anything she desired to at college and beyond. “She promised to come back and visit.”

The telepath listened with great interest as Chase described Niko’s coping process. His parents were doing everything right in that regard, and the benefit was tangible. “All you can do is try, and I think that would be a wise way of going about it. I’m sure you and James will find something tht works for your family.”

The telepath continued to listen and then he nodded in acknowledgement of that. “That’s encouraging to hear. It means he’s coping.” Nightmares, as dreams, were the subconscious’s realm, and if James wasn’t experiencing crippling nightmares, it meant that his mind was accepting the notion and was willing to move on. If he wasn’t consciously withdrawing either, and wasn’t subconsciously withdrawing, then it meant that he was ready to move on with his family, which was all the more important.

Of course, Sean had been aware of that, which was why James had approached him in the first place. Despite asking questions about James, this was about Chase. Chase was a family man, just as James was, and when the first thought he’d overheard from the other man bubbled to the surface, it underscored how much of a family man Chase was. He was insecure about his family and about the situation and its aftermath. All understandable, but it needed to be addressed head-on. It was time to move into somewhat less subtle territory. “And how have you been doing? Have you had nightmares?”

[Chase Campbell]

Any students that actually bothered to apply themselves were okay in Chase’s books. November was definitely one of them. “That’s good, though I can only imagine the welcome her group of friends would stage during a visit.” He could just foresee fires and yelling and general chaos.

At least Niko was coping. Even James was doing so much better this time. Granted, it helped he didn’t remember the vast majority of what had happened. That was Niko’s cross to bear. But still, his family was healing and moving on, while the trainer was stuck in a rut. He wasn’t making the effort to get out, either. If he did, that meant healing himself. “Yeah, we will. James and I will talk about it.” And they would, because the more they could do to help Nikki, the better.

Yes, James was coping. He was nightmare free, and relatively stress-free. He was moving forward. It made it seem… not easy, but possible. But he wasn’t the one repenting and generally feeling like a pretty horrible person. James hadn’t killed anyone. He’d been a victim, twice now, but he’d never felt that. It was a source of slight frustration for the trainer. James tried to help him move on, but how could he know what he was feeling, how to fix it?

He bit down on his lip, actually having to actively fight his thoughts and keep his shields up at the same time. There was no doubt in his mind that he’d have a migraine later today. The more pointed questions had him working the defense line now, his gaze snapping up to meet Sean’s. How was he doing? Ask anyone (but James). He was doing fine. Eerily fine, for those that knew what he’d done. It was a difficult line to walk. How exactly did you manage to balance appearing normal with looking like you were sorry for what you’d done. You couldn’t. It was all or nothing, and he’d been trying so hard for the former. But his defences were slowly running thin, and he couldn’t keep it up forever.

One day, he was going to break.

Of course he had nightmares. It was one of the reasons his sleep patterns had been so altered. It was hard to sleep when you saw the face of a dead man in your subconscious. “Yes. Is that what you want me to say? Yes I have nightmares. Who wouldn’t? I killed someone, Sean. Of course I have goddamn nightmares.”

The cracks were already showing. It wasn’t going to be long before he’d have to confront everything.

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The telepath had full confidence that Chase and James would discuss it, because he knew that the two of them were responsible parents. More than that, they were loving parents. They would do what was necessary to make sure their son recovered as well as he could from this nightmare.

Just as he knew that Chase cared about James and wanted his husband to recover as well. That was the motivation behind the entire retribution, Chase’s desire to love and protect his family and to avenge their suffering; love caused so many problems in this world, but there was nothing worthwhile without it.

The other man’s shields were weakening; the telepath could feel it, and that was indicative of a loss of composure. He knew that Chase had made an active decision to keep himself shielded during this sessions; his reasons were his own, although Sean had an idea of why. That he was struggling with this task told the psychiatrist more than reading his mind would.

Still, he didn’t prompt the trainer further after asking his question. He watched him carefully, although he maintained his easygoing body language, and he waited. He waited for Chase to answer his question, for him to give whatever response he mulled over, or whatever came to mind first. If he responded with the same nonchalant attitude he’d kept since the battle, Sean would move on and try a different tactic. If he did choose to open up, they could go from there.

Chase opened up.

“I want you to be honest, so yes, it is.” The telepath’s voice was gentle. “I’m no stranger to nightmares, Chase, or to stress, regret, responsibilities, any of it. Let me help you.”

Of course, by this stage of events, Sean had no intention of taking no for an answer.

[Chase Campbell]

Getting his family through this nightmare had become one of the few things Chase focused on these days. James, Niko, and even Ginny were priority, and he wasn’t going to relent on that. As long as his family was healing, he could deal with himself later. In the back of his mind, he’d always know it was somewhat self-destructive behaviour.

It just hadn’t mattered anymore.

James and Niko were safe, and healing. That was the important part.

The trainer prided himself on his mental shields. It was part of the reason he was so good teaching students with mental abilities. He was one of the few that rivalled Sean in control and strength. But that control was slipping away now as his emotions took a more firm hold. It was something he’d taught his students time and time again. ‘Don’t let your emotions get away from you.’ He was breaking that now, and he couldn’t stop it.

Sean was his friend. Chase liked and respected the other man. Which was why he had such a problem with how he was feeling now. He was…. angry. Everyone kept telling him they understood. They knew how he felt. He bit down on the inside of his lip to keep himself from snapping. Angry or not, he could still be reasonable.

… Relatively reasonable.

“Did you ever kill a man, Sean?” It hurt just to say it. “You have no idea what it feels like.” While he was getting closer to admitting he needed help, he was no closer to accepting it. “How are you supposed to help me?” He wasn’t sure he wanted the answer, and playing defensive seemed the only way to hide the fact he was so insecure. He didn’t like being scared. He liked being the strong one. But he hadn’t truly felt like the strong one in months. He’d acted the part, yes. But it was just that, an act. “What the fuck can you do to fix this?”

[Dr. Sean Neville]

The anger and the resistance were to be expected; the repressing of feelings and vulnerabilities was common when it came to dangerous secrets, guilt over actions, traumatic experiences, and the realization that one’s self-perceptions didn’t match reality. The psychiatrist certainly didn’t fault the other man for behaving in a textbook way, in the same way that countless patients had before him. Sean wouldn’t react in an equally confrontational manner, because that wasn’t how he behaved.

However, he understood, more than most, what Chase suffered. He had been with the other man for every step of this journey, from the initial attack on James through the final battle; while he hadn’t been in the room when Gabriel had died, he had been there to intervene and had taken Chase to the hospital to treat his injuries. He had organized the rescue operation for James and Niko; Sean had been there.

“No. I’ve also never been raped, and I’ve never attempted suicide. I’ve never had an eating disorder; I’ve never had a miscarriage; I’ve never been to war; my parents never divorced. None of that has ever prevented my ability to help patients before, and you know that.” Sean’s voice was calm as he replied, not rising to the emotions in Chase’s tone or to the profanity. However, he took pride in his skills as a psychiatrist; this was his life’s work, and he was good at it.

“I wouldn’t patronize you by claiming that this has an easy solution, because it doesn’t in a meaningful way. But I can help. You can talk to me; we can process together. I have more certifications than I care to count, and you know what else I’m capable of.” The telepath leaned forward at that, to make his point. “The first step is opening up. If that involves anger, I’m capable of taking it.”

[Chase Campbell]

Chase didn’t mean to be hostile. Sean was his friend, and he didn’t deserve to be snapped up. But the psychiatrist had opened that door, and Chase hadn’t had a choice. He’d gone through the door he’d struggled to keep closed, and now he’d had to face up to his feelings of what he’d done. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like feeling this way, and he wanted it to stop.

It didn’t cross his mind that Sean had been there the whole time. He’d been there to help plan, he’d been there when he’d killed Gabriel, and he’d been there when they’d stormed the compound. But he hadn’t been there in his head when he’d cut another man’s life short. He couldn’t tell him he knew the feeling of watching a body slump to the ground, lifeless.

He listened, but barely, as Sean pointed out all the things he’d never experienced, yet helped patients get over every day. But this was different. Chase still didn’t want to be a ‘patient’, nor did he really want to relive everything that had happened. He had his coping mechanisms, and they were working. He was still teaching, he was still a father and a husband. He was coping. And that was part of the problem. Coping and healing were two very different things.

As Sean leaned forward, Chase leaned back, pressing his back into the cushions of the sofa. Oh, he knew what Sean was capable of. The trainer looked up, holding his body steady. “I don’t know what to do anymore, Sean. I know opening up is how to start, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to see it all again in my head, and I don’t want to think about how it felt. I just want it...” What? To go away? Not even that would help. He wanted to hold onto it, to keep his guilt justified. Without the memories, he’d stop feeling guilty, and that wasn’t supposed to happen when you killed someone. He finally buried his face in his hands. “Murderers are supposed to go to prison, Sean. And that’s if they’re lucky. They get punished.” In a way, he was still punishing himself, seeing as the law couldn’t do it for me. I should be in prison. I got away with taking a life. I don’t care how evil he was, he still had the right to live. Hindsight was everything, and Chase had had a lot of time to think it all over.