The lyrics of my life. [trigger warning: cutting]

[Mia Bell]

Recently, nothing major has happened to me, I mean there hasn’t been a lot to say. School is out, and I’ve been spending most of my time working, volunteering, and spending time with Clement, and some other friends.

Speaking of work and friends. There is this really cute guy who started working at my work, his name is River. We had met once before, at the pond. We instantly hit it off, as friends of course. He is really sweet, he’s called me sweetheart; no peer has ever called me that.. It made me blush, but apparently calling you those sorts of names is his thing. At work, he called me Bella, that was also a first for me, but I like the name.

After we got off work, which was River’s first day on the job. We went to get something to eat, because he hadn’t ate during his break because he was watching me perform… That was a surprise for me… I didn’t think I was that good, to stop someone from eating I mean.. It was very flattering… anyways, He bought me dinner, I found it strange that he did so.. I mean we barely knew each other… But that was okay, because we got to talk a lot during our walk back to Hammel. Oh We went to the pizza place near our work, he got pizza, I got a salad, because I’m vegan, even though I didn’t tell him that… I don’t like people going out of their way for me, so I didn’t want to bother him with it since he wanted pizza.

It was strange… When we were walking back to Hammel, our hands touched a few times and I felt this warm feeling, and I had goose bumps. I know this feelings, and I just think it’s strange for me to have feelings for River when I barely know the guy. It reminds me of Cameron… Well the feelings part not River reminding me of Cameron, he seems totally different. Anyways, I hadn’t known Cameron very well when I started to have feelings for him. And it ended badly, and I got hurt big time… I’m afraid of my feelings for River, I don’t want to get hurt again, and it sucks because it seems like déjà vu with River, because we even met the same place I met Cameron, at the pond. I don’t think I could go through heartache again, and if I could, would River be worth it? Because Cameron hadn’t been… River is just so sweet, and kind, and really cute, and cheerful… He makes my heart all warm and fuzzy; no guy has ever been able to make me feel that way.

I just wish I had someone to talk to about all of this… Because I’m so confused.

[Mia Bell]

This is a poem I wrote months ago, on a separate sheet of paper, I don't know why.. But I'm putting it in here.

You took my security, you took all I had

You played with my heart

Then you wind up playing with my mind

I want it back, I want what you took from me

I want my security, I want what I once had before you

You don’t have a right, to say I will miss you

You had your chance, to defy gravity

Your words tell me to stay but your actions tell me to go

You want me to defy gravity for you

But my heart won’t allow it

I want to defy gravity

Just not with you.

You gave me a reason not to soar

You took all I had and now I’m taking it back.
You took all I had, now I’m taking it back

And now that I’m gone, give me a reason not to soar.

[Mia Bell]

My heart wants the warmth
The warmth of knowing your love
Wanting to feel your heart beat
You feeling mine
Feel my heart, shattered into a million pieces
Can you piece them together?
Like a puzzle, with a million pieces
Am I worth it?
Am I worth the time?

[Mia Bell]

Hmm... Yeah.. This feels kind of unfinished but I'm kind of embarrassed to keep going...

Sweat drips from his face
Gliding down onto the grass
The sun blazing from the happiness of a girl
Too much for a boy to handle
He strips off his shirt
Showing the lean muscles of his torso
His six pack shinning in the sun light
The sweat on his torso glistening like the dew on morning grass
Every movement from him is like art

[Mia Bell]

Update, my life is a living hell… I hate myself more than anything. How do you fight that? How are you supposed to change your own feelings for yourself? But I guess I should explain…

You know that I and River started dating, and I told him that I tried to commit suicide after my father and brothers died. Both of those things had been a mistake… I thought that maybe, maybe I could give it a shot, since he was everything I ever wanted for a partner… But I was wrong… I was so wrong… River was my prince charming, and I so wanted to be his princess… But I don’t think I ever was after I told him that little part of my past… It’s been almost three months since we started dating, and he hasn’t made a move… He probably thinks I’m disgusting… I wouldn’t really blame him, I think the same thing… I’m sure he wants to break up with me… So I sent him a letter, saying I wanted whatever we are to end, I'm doing him a favor.. No one wants to date someone like me.

I’m a fool for thinking anyone could handle my faults, or wanting people to… What I want, makes me feel so selfish… I just wanted someone to hold me, someone to tell me I’m beautiful, someone to dry my tears, and someone to love all of my faults… To anyone else these things would be simple, but for me, these things are burdens, and I feel so selfish for wanting them…

I don’t deserve River, and he doesn’t deserve me, he deserves someone so much better… All I am is darkness, and he’s light… I would only bring him down, and he doesn’t deserve someone like that… I hope he can forgive me… For ever burdening him in the first place.. I shouldn’t have agreed to date him, I was being selfish.. Like always. River will forever be my prince charming, and there will be no one better than him… I know it. Nor will I look. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be his princess… And I hope he finds that person, that person he loves with all his heart, because he deserves that someone.. And I think it will be really easy for him to. It's hard not loving River, I should know. I hope he finds someone that makes him truly, and forever happy.

This has taught me a very important lesson… I will never have that fairy tell ending… And I need to grow into being okay with that… One of these days I will, one of these days I will be worthy of River, but right now, I’m just worthless… Saying this part feels like Deja vu, it's probably because I've said it before, or something like it before... I keep making the same mistakes, and will probably end up making this mistake again... If that happens, then hopefully one of these times I will learn my lesson.