The lyrics of my life. [trigger warning: cutting]

[Mia Bell]

Mia Victoria Bell’s Journal

July 26/2012

Well, I know it’s been like I week since I wrote in you. I have like what five journals now? All of them filled with my inner most thoughts, since I was like what twelve, eleven?

I’m at Hammel now, a boarding school for the ‘gifted’. I can’t say we’re ‘gifted’ different , ‘special’ maybe. But not ‘gifted’… I’ve been here since the day after my birthday which was the 6th. So I’ve been here for almost four weeks.. I’m already seeing the stupid school’s Psychiatrist, well I guess I shouldn’t say stupid… That’s a little mean.. I don’t think he’s stupid just that I have to have these sessions with him. All thanks to my ma not believing me when I tell her I’m fine and that I’m not having any more suicidal thoughts.. I’ll write about the sessions with Dr. Neville another time. I don’t really feel like getting into right now.

SO I met a few different people here at Hammel… I like being here; it gives me a fresh start at life after my well near death experience. Things got around quickly in Barrow about that… No one really wanted to be around me after I fell into my depression, was about the time I lost all my friends and my boyfriend(at that time), he was a jerk he was my last boyfriends too… So coming here and being able to have new friends that don’t know about it is refreshing and makes me feel better in this weird way… When everyone found out about my ‘accident’ as my Ma likes to say, everyone started being different to me, like they were purposely being nice to me, I guess because they thought they were the reason why I did it.. They’re all lame and stupid for thinking that, to me it seems like they were just trying to make it about themselves. But I don’t care, it wasn’t their fault, they weren’t the reason.

The friends I made so far? Well there is Cameron, Jez, and Jared there are a couple more people I’ve met just not sure if I would say their friends or not. I will get back to you on those though. There is this girl I’m tutoring, I think I suck at it though… Because I just get things… It comes easily to me, like I don’t study or anything… I never even had to ask help for anything, okay that’s a lie I completely SUCK at cooking…

I met Cameron at the pond, on the school grounds. I was writing a letter to Ma and Grandma. He was pretty cool to talk to, we kept flirting and I threw my pencil at him but missed… I have crappy aim, I need to work on it.. Maybe I can ask him if he can be my practicing target… We gave each other our numbers, I programmed his into my phone. I also gave him my dorm room number, now I’m starting to think that was a bad idea.. Let’s hope he lost it or forgot or actually won’t show up for a surprise visit.. I guess I’m glad I always get dressed in the bathroom, so he will never catch me naked…. Did I mention he was kind of cute?

I met Jez in the rain on the training field; She’s probably the only person who knows what my hair looks like other than my Ma, Da, Brothers, and Grandma. I had gotten lost for like the millionth time since I came to this school. It’s so huge. We went into the student lounge and waited the storms out. She’s Scottish, which I find pretty cool, her accent is cute too. She seems pretty fun, can’t wait to hang out with her more.

Jared I met in the library we literary bumped into each other. He was flying this remote controlled toy thing and I was looking at the time on my phone. Neither of us were paying attention. He has the mentality of a five year old… Which I don’t really mind, I had babysat a lot so I kind of know how to deal with him, sort of… He was pretty cute though.

And that’s all I have to say…

Here's a new song for you.

Conversation With A Rockstar

You're everything I wanna be, but that's not true at all
I've held you high, I built a lie
You're nothing like you used to be, and that's not right at all
You've given in, you've let them win

And I'm sorry that these words are coming out of my mouth, but I don't wanna be like you
I'm sorry that I'm just now figuring out...

Someone else can save the world, I won't sell my soul for this
I wasn't meant to make them happy, I wasn't meant to make them money
Someone else can let it all go, trade themselves for one more show
But I wasn't meant to throw myself away, for one meager shot at fame

I thought you could think for yourself, and fight for what you loved
They're using you, you know they do
And I don't think I want to take the same road that you're on
It can't be worth, the way you hurt

Do you even remember why you wanted to get this far in the first place?
Do you even remember why you wanted to be a rockstar in the first place?
Well, it's not too late...

'Cause someone else can save the world, don't you sell yourself for this
You weren't meant to make them happy, you weren't meant to make them money
'Cause someone else can let it all go, trade themselves for one more show
But you weren't meant to throw yourself away...
No, we weren't meant to throw ourselves away, for one meager shot at fame
Oh, one meager shot at fame, fame, oh fame

[Mia Bell]

SO I'm copying this survey and I'm writing it in you. These things are SO dumb.. But there a good way to pass the time..

If You...

Visit any place in the world, where would you go? Uh… Paris? I don’t know..


Change one thing about yourself, what would it be? You mean other than my natural hair color? That I have already done.. Uh unless you meant personality wise? I wouldn’t change a thing.


Fly, where would you go and why? Home. Because it’s home.. Where else would I go other than Barrow, Alaska?


Make three wishes, what would you wish for? Uh.. to have my whole family back, I would wish to see who I’m going to marry, and I wish my Ma would stop worrying about me.



Meet someone from the past, who would you meet? My last ex. So I can tell him how much of an ass he is.

Have any pet what would you have? I already have the greatest pet in the world.

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Beliefs

Magic? No, I don’t believe in this. It just gives people and excuse to believe in something false, magic is only tricks played on the mind.


Karma? Yes I believe in Karma.


Love at first sight? Nope. I believe people can be attracted to each other physically at first sight. But not fall in love.. It takes time to fall in love, it just doesn’t happen.


Life on other planets? I think there is life on other planets yes. There are so many things we don’t know about and have yet to discover. So there can very well be life on other planets. I don’t know why we would have other planets (except the sun) if there wasn’t life on them, like Earth.


Miracles? No I don’t believe in miracles. Things happen, life happens; Everything happens for a reason. We make things happen by the choices we make.


Ghosts? I’m not sure, I do believe when we die our spirits go somewhere, to another place. But where I have no clue.


Luck? No I do not believe in luck. Things happen because we have the ability to make it happen. How I won a game wasn’t because of some dumb luck but because I had the ability to win.


Believe there’s a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? No, I do not. Even though I am half-Irish I always thought this was stupid…


Do you wish on stars? Yes I do. I will sit outside and wish on stars, it’s one of my favorite pass times.


Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell? I’m not sure what I believe when it comes to this. I believe those who do bad things will be punished for those things when they die. But other than that I do not know.

Divorce? Yes. Everyone has a right not to be with someone and we all make those stupid mistakes. We should be able to fix those mistakes. Also people change that’s just what happens in life and if you don’t like how someone is changing you should have to the right not to be with them.

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Questions For Freaks

If the sky wasn’t blue and the grass wasn’t green… What colours would they be? The sky would be Pink and the Grass would be yellow, and the ocean would be red.

Which end of the worm is the head? The end that is moving forward the most. Though worms can move backwards and forward they generally move forwards.. Really you just have to watch the worm closely to figure it out.

Why don’t boys have boobs? Because they aren’t the gender who gets pregnant.

What languages does hippos speak? … This is a really stupid question.. Hippo language I guess..

If you run in the rain do you get less wet? It depends? If You are running somewhere to not get wet then yes you get less wet because you aren’t in the rain as long as you would be if you were walking..

What shape was the last cloud you saw? To me it looked like a bunny.

Why do sprouts taste so bad? Because of our taste buds.. Some people actually think they taste good.

Where does that other sock end up? Usually for me the other sock ends up in another load of clothes.. So I never really lose socks..

Is Santa real? No. It is just something people made up to teach their children that it’s okay to receive but not to give. It also gives a way for parents that don’t have enough money to put the blame on Santa instead of themselves. Christmas itself just gives us a reason to be stupidly spoiled brats..


Is a dog man's best friend? Yes, my dogs are my best friends. They are the most loyal things ever, and all they want to do is please you.

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Personal Survey

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed? It depends.. If I know no one is home and the door is locked and I know no one will be coming home soon, I keep it open. Though now I will always have to keep it closed.. Considering I don’t trust Cameron to have good timing with something like this..


Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in? Folded. I like folding my clothes, even my socks and underwear.. I like it being neat..


Sleep on your back or stomach? My stomach. It feels more comfortable to sleep on my stomach.. Don’t know why.


Are you a cuddler? Very much so.. I love cuddling.. I’m a really big cuddler..


What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed? uh.. suitcases, some boxes with a bunch of books in it. That’s pretty much it..


Something that happened today that made you angry?uh this survey and how epically LONG this is taking..


What were you doing before this survey? singing to some songs.


What will you do after the survey? Brainstorm on lyrics for my friend Cam, since I have yet to work on it..


Marriage or living together? Neither.. DUDE I’m only sixteen…


What shirt are you wearing now? MY shirt.


Do you sing? Yes. Whether I’m good at it is up to everyone else.


Do you de-label your beer bottles? Again I’m ONLY SIXTEEN. I would not like to go to jail for under-aged drinking thank you. Though I do, do that with water..


Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? My feelings? Like how I feel about someone, no I do not.. I will tell them I think they’re an ass if they are one..


Is there something you regret and wish you could take back? … Of course, but I’m not going to tell you what it is.


First thing you do when you wake up? Turn off my alarm


Ever had surgery? …. Yes…

Last argument you got into with? Oh gosh.. I think it was my Ma.


Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles? Yes.


What's one good thing about your best friend? … I chose not to answer this.


How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? Depends.. Sometimes an hour sometimes twenty minutes.. It depends on if I have a bunch of stuff on my mind.


When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep? No Because my alarm is on my desk on the other side of the room so I have to get up to shut it off.


If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you? Nope.

What are you looking forward to in the next few months? Nothing really.. Getting to know people, making new friends, making new enemies.. Just seeing how things go at this new school.


It's midnight. Who are you texting? No one.


It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually? uh eating, mostly likely outside.


Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be? Young Johnny Depp.


Your Christmas list consists of? I don’t have a Christmas list.


You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first? Nowhere.. I’m too poor to go shopping in New York..


You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first? The cheapest place.


How do you feel about your hair? I LOVE my hair. I mean come on it’s hot pink.. and I love how easy it is to style and cut it.


What movie is in your DVD player? Good question.. The note book I believe..


If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move? Nowhere. I love Barrow, Alaska; I don’t see myself living anywhere else.


How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl? It doesn’t matter to me at all really.. The guy or girl can be the hottest person alive I wouldn't really care.


What's the greatest thing that happened to you today? Nothing, really.


How many TRUE best friends do you have? … skipping this question.


What would you change about your life right now?Right now? At this point in time? Nothing.


What’s the best feeling in the world? Kissing someone you have feelings for.

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Do You...

Sing Well? That’s up to the people listening to me.

Believe In Yourself? Uh, not really.. I have issues..

Get Motion Sickness? Nope.

Think You Are Attractive? I think I’m attractive yes. Everyone should think they are.

Like Thunderstorms? Uh not really.

Own An IPOD? yes I do. It’s the love of my life.

Pray? I haven’t prayed since the car crash..

Keep A Journal/Diary? Yes. Let’s just hope no one else knows I do. I rather not have them know what’s inside them.

Sing In The Shower? yes. It’s quite fun.

Chew on your pencils? Yes, It’s a really bad habit of mine..

Like your handwriting? Eh.. I don’t really care.

Cry at weddings? I’ve never been to one so I wouldn’t know.

Like Camping? I love camping. I love being outside, I love nature.

Wear nail polish? Yes, mostly black, or dark purple.

Do you trust anyone with your life. If so, who? My ma, she already saved my life once and I regret her being the one who had to.

Do you like to watch storms pass by? Yes, it’s very calm and relaxing watching it.

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Either Or

Sparking or still water: Still.

Kisses or hugs: Hugs. Unless it’s my boyfriend/girlfriend than kisses duh..

Piercings or tattoos: Both.

Hot or cold: Cold.

Nike or Adidas: Both.

Cats or dogs: Dogs.

The US or the UK: US

McDonalds or Burger King: Neither

Church or nightclub: Neither. What the hell kind of comparison is this?

Mariah or Madonna:Neither.

Beer or soda: Soda (only sixteen here) This survey is NOT teenager friendly..

Rock or rap: Both.

Winter or summer: Winter

Sun or rain: Rain

Love or lust: Love

Pepsi or Coke: Coke.

Love or money: Love, money can’t buy love and happiness.

Indiana Jones or James Bond: Neither.

Sweet or sour: Both

Night or day: Both.

Originality or acceptance: Originality all the way sweetheart.

Independence or Companionship: Both.

Stability or Freedom:Uh.. Don’t know.. Stability I guess?

Introvert or Extrovert: I am personally a little bit of both. Which one do I prefer? I don’t know they both have down sides..

Wicked or RENT: Neither.

Music or Television: Music.

Blondes or Brunettes: Both. But I prefer pink…

Birds or Squirrels: Squirrels, at least they won’t poop on you.

Car or Truck: Either

Driving or Riding: Neither, I have a fear of cars..

Mexican or Chinese food: Chinese.

Pie or cake? Pie.

Chocolate or vanilla? Neither, unless it’s ice cream then I like chocolate.

Smile or frown? Smile

Tears of joy or tears of sorrow? Neither.

Past or present? Present. I’m not too keen on my past..

Science fiction or fantasy? Both.

Dull or sharp? neither..

Live forever or die young? No clue..

Books or television? Books.

Jump or skip? I don’t know this is a stupid question..

Fast or slow? either. I don’t care.

Run or walk? Walk.

Disney or Warner Brothers? Both.

Belle or Jasmine? Belle at least she’s not a spoiled rich girl..

Gaston or Cruella Deville? Gaston, at least he’s a bit more realistic than Cruella..

Colors or black and white? Colors, but I also like black just not black and white.

Cute or pretty? Both, usually cute goes hand in hand with pretty, so I don’t really get this question..

Good or evil? Good. Unless it’s a movie and the evil person is cute.. Then it’s totally evil.

Fruits or vegetables? Both.

Milk or juice? Both.

Hot chocolate or gingerale? Neither.

Beer or wine? Neither.

Movies or cartoons? Both.

Moon or stars? Stars.

Sky or sea? Sky.

Vision or hearing? Both…

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How old were you when you had your first relationship? Twelve..

Are you taken/single? Single

How old were you when you had your first kiss? I was three…

What color is your underwear? … The ones I’m wearing now? Or in general? The ones I’m wearing now are black with purple lace and in general is ever color in the rainbow and some in between.

Do you like anyone right now? you mean ‘like’ like I rather not answer this question.. So I’m just going to skip it..

Ever had your heartbroken? Yes

Miss anyone right now? Yes

Who was the last person you sent a text to? A friend.

Last person to text you? A friend

Last person you saw? The school’s Psychiatrist

What was the last thing you said to someone? See ya?

Who do you trust the most in your life? My Ma.

Who do you love most? My Ma and GrandMa.

Ever been in love? Yes.

Who has hurt you the most? …. Skipping.

Has a tragedy ever happened in your life? Yes..

Are you happy? Not right now thanks to these questions..

How many good friends do you have? … Skipping

Are there some songs you cant listen to because they remind you of someone? ….Yes.

Have you ever cheated on a partner? Hell no.

Ever been cheated on? Yes.

Ever been told someone loved you? Yeah my parents. Stupid question.

Ever told someone you loved them and meant it? Yeah My parents. Again, stupid question

Not meant it? No.

Ever had your heart broken? Didn’t I just answer this question? I’m not answering it again.

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? No. Not being able to date because you’re afraid to lose them sucks thank you.

What is your idea of true love? Love is when someone wouldn’t leave the other even at their worst, when you can love everything about someone even the bad things. When you never get tired of someone, and want to be with that person 24/7. I can keep going on what I think true love is but I won’t.

When they slip, do you think you can let go the small stuff? I’m a very forgiving person.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I answered this question before.. What is with this thing and repeating questions? No I don’t.

Why or why not? UGH I’m not explaining this AGAIN!

Do you believe that it is best to have a friendship first then love? Yes. That way you know all the bad stuff and won’t get disappointed or you won’t go into love having expectations of the person. You Won’t get hurt.

Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk? I can’t say that I've been to a bar. But I’m sure good people go to bars so I have to say it could happen.

Should people go to bars to find love? No. That seems like they would be desperate to find love. No one should be desperate to find love. They should be happy to be single and just let love find them. Trying to find love seems like it would be a bunch of letdowns.

Or should they go to places where people who like what they like hang out? This would be a bit better, that way they have something in common and something to go off of. But again people shouldn’t be out finding love they should just let love find them.

Should men and women be expecting the other to buy the other gifts? It shouldn’t be expected.. Buying each other gifts should be something they want to do out of love not being they feel they have to because they think the other person would.

Who should wear the pants in the relationship or should it be a mutual give and take? Mutual. I like being in control, I like being in control of my life and I wouldn’t want my partner to not be as independent as I am. So give and take sounds good. Though if I had to wear the ‘pants’ then I would, I don’t care. If any of that made sense..

Should chauvinists of either gender be in a relationship? What kind of question is this? We all have different personalities and different views. Just because we all have different views doesn’t mean we can’t be in a relationship of any kind.. This is a really stupid question..

[Mia Bell]

July 27th
And here’s another survey. Because I’m bored and don’t really have anything to talk about. Again I’ll tell you about my session with Dr. Neville later. OH There’s apparently this school thing where Dr. Neville talks about sex, it sounds like it is a sex ed class.. I don’t know.. I’m curious so I’m going to go.. I already asked a question in the anonymous box thing outside his office. I’ll tell you what the question was later. And his response.. If he response to the question.. Though I’m thinking about asking him personally if he doesn’t answer during the class or whatever it’s called. I would really like to know because I’m curious.. Anyway have fun with this short survey on love.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Nope! wait.. Yeah no..

How many girlfriends/ boyfriends have told you they love you? One...

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person? Yeah… I thought I was going to marry Johnny Depp.. Does that count?

Are you crushing on someone? Maybe..

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Yeah.

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry? Er I don’t think so..

Are you happier single or in a relationship? .. Good question.. I’ll get back to you on that.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it? Nope.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Yep. Twice.. Guys are idiots..

Have you ever broken someone's heart? Nope. Well.. At least I don’t think so..

If you could go back in time and change things, would you … Yeah…

Think any of your exes feel the same? Don’t know.

Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend? Yes.

Have you dated people who were not good to you? Sort of..

Have you dated someone older than you? Yes. Twice.

Younger? Nope.. I always felt weird dating someone younger than me..

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Gah.. I guess it depends on the person and what they did.

Do you Believe in love at first sight? Nope.

Ever been given an engagement ring? Dude I’m only sixteen.. No.

Do you want to get married? Yes.

Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you? No.

Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend? Nope.

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds? Yes, more so.

Have any of your exes told you they regret breaking up with you? Nope. Wow my love life sucks..

Have you ever flirted with a friends crush? Nope. I’m not that kind of person sorry.

Would you believe your ex if she/he said they love you? Uh, I don’t know… Maybe.

Would you ever date your best male/female friend? Yes. If I had one that is..

Have any of your exes called you by a nickname after the break up? No. Then again people don't usually call me by nicknames.

If your best friend of the opposite sex went out with someone you knew was wrong for them would you speak up? It depends. If they’re just dating the person just to have a good time than no. If it’s more than just having a good time than Yes I will. I’m just that blunt and straight forward.

Do you regret any of your relationships? Yes, my last one.

[Mia Bell]

[trigger warning: suicide attempt]


So, I guess it’s time for me to discuss my session with Dr. Neville huh?

Well we didn’t really talk about the event that had happened in my past.. It’s a bit complicated to explain.. But he pretty much told me I shouldn’t feel ashamed of what I did. But I don’t get it.. If I shouldn’t feel ashamed for slitting my wrists than how should I feel about it? I don’t regret doing it, it made me get out of my depression and made me see that there was more to life than the sorrow and bitterness I was feeling. But that still didn’t mean I feel bad for doing it. I know it was a very selfish thing for me to do. But I felt it was the only way out… The only way out of all the pain I felt; losing my father and brothers is the hardest thing I have experienced and I believe will ever experience. But I feel ashamed for doing it, because I know it wasn’t something they would have wanted me to do. And almost all of my friends started to ignore me after they found out about it. Everyday I would go to school with my head down and wearing a hoodie so people wouldn’t see me. But the stares I still got were something I couldn’t handle and even after getting over my depression state I still cried myself to sleep. My mother stopped trusting me with my own life.. She hid all the knives and pills I could over dose on. My Grandma stopped talking to me, like she thought I was something disgusting to look at. She tells me I’m to blame for all the stress my Ma is in. I really didn’t mean for all of that to happen. I just wanted out of the pain.. I wanted it to go away.. It’s hard losing the only men in your life that made it worth wild to be in and it hurts still to think about all the good memories I have with them. The late nights playing pool in the basement, the days in the spring where we would go dogsledding. The moments I could get geek out with my little brother and the other moments I could beat my big brother up for teasing me. And the moments where my Da called me his little princess.

Coming to Hammel I think was the best thing for me.. I get a new start. People stare at me because of my hair color not because I tried to kill myself. Yes sometimes I wonder how many new friends I would have if I didn’t hid the scares. Yes, I wonder if Cameron and Jez would still want to be my friends if they found out. But is it really important for them to know about it? I don’t want the next three or so years here be like my past year in Barrow. Sometimes I even wonder how long I can keep this secret.. Would I be able to hide it from everyone till I die? I doubt it… I don’t even want to think about the day I will have to stop hiding it or have till tell people about it. No one wants to be friends with the suicide girl..

Yes, this is my own little pity party.. I’m sorry you had to endure it. Now I have to stop before I ruin this page with my tears.

[Mia Bell]

Can I faint now? These guy gymnastics are SO freaking hot… Like gosh.. They’re so built and ah… And the tricks and stuff they can do is a amazing.. Oh look now it’s the swimming. Aww this guy proposed to his girlfriend, that is so cute. Why are all of these guys so hot? They look weird swimming.. Anyways, I’m watching the Olympics.. and doing some surveys.. It’s quite entertaining..

Would You Rather...

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Be an actor in a movie or a stunt man/woman? Actor, I think it will be hard for me to get a job as a stunt woman because of my pink hair.

Eat pb and j sandwiches or hot dogs for the rest of your life? pb and j, it’s more heathy.

Bungee jump or sky dive? Sky dive. I have always wanted to sky dive.

Learn to speak Spanish or French? Er French, cause it’s apparently more sexier to speak French…

Be alone in the jungle or the desert? Jungle, I would die instantly in the desert..

Go to a movie or a concert? Concert, totally concert; there’s nothing more exciting than going to a concert.

Be made to wear an ugly shirt or ugly pants? This is a good question. I guess pants.. There are way uglier shirts than pants..

Take an English course or a Math course? English, I like English more than Math.

What color are your bedroom walls? How is this a ‘would you rather’ question? But their white/cream color..

I’m so sorry this second survey is so freaking long.. It took me forever to do it..


1. What is your name? Mia Victoria Bell
2. How old are you? Sixteen.
3. When is your birthday? July 6th.
4. Where do you live? I live in Barrow, Alaska. But I’m going to a boarding school in Vermont, so I guess I live here now.
5. Do you have siblings? I used to…
6. How many? Two.
7. What is the most embarrassing moment of your life? When I sang a song to my crush in front of the whole school as a bet..
8. What is your favorite food?Sushi.
9. What is your favorite Drink?Apple juice.
10. What is your favorite color?Black and Purple.
11. What is your favorite book? Harry potter.
12. Who is your favorite actor? Johnny depp, hehe.
13. Who is your favorite author? J.K Rowling.
14. What is your favorite TV show? Uh good question.. Warehouse 13.
15. What is your favorite song? I don’t have one.. But I do really like Icon for hire’s songs a lot..
16. What is your favorite movie? Spirit and The Lion King.
17. What is your favorite car? One that works?
18. Who do you love most in the world? My Mother.
19. Are you in a relationship? Nope.
20. Do you have a crush on someone? ugh..
21. What is your best friends name? .. I don’t have one.
22. Do you have pets? Yes
23. Who do you look like? People say I look sort of like Ariel Bloomer from Icon for Hire..
24. What color is your hair? Pink.
25. What color are your eyes? A pale blue.
26. What is your religion?Don’t have one.
27. If you could change your name, what would it be? I wouldn’t change my name.. But I would so change my last name to my Husband’s when we got married..
28. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate and Strawberry.
29. What time were you born? seven something at night.
30. How many languages do you speak? Uh, four?
31. What shampoo do you use?I don’t know how to spell it..
32. Do you prefer the city or the country?Country..
33. What is your most commonly used phrase on IM? I don’t IM that much.. So I don’t really know.
34. Do you prefer talking or texting? Talking.
35. Do you like reading? Yes.
36. What is/was your favorite subject in school? English.
37. What type of person are you, in your own words? Outspoken, generous, nice, harsh sometimes.. Blunt. I know this are all adjectives but it’s easier to use them than describing me.
38. How would your friends describe you? Uh nice? Outgoing, talkative.. Blunt.
39. What do you like to do for fun? Anything and everything as long as it doesn’t have to do with drugs, alcohol, or sex.
40. Have you ever broken a bone? No.
41. What would be your house of dreams? Never really thought about it.. I would love to live on an island.. Though.
42. What does your name mean? Don’t know.. I guess ‘missing in action?’ Haha I made a funny.
43. What do you value most in a person? Honesty. Kindness.
44. Where would you like to live? On an island.
45. Do you want to get married? Yes
46. Do you want to have kids? Yes.
47. What do you hate most in a person? Rudeness I guess? Hatefulness. Spoiledness, ungratefulness. A lot of nesses..
48. What is your favorite quote ‘fight for what you believe in’ ‘shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars’
49. Where would your dream vacation be oh.. Not sure..
50. What is your favorite animal? Snakes and dogs.
51. What is your phobia? People leaving/abandoning me…
52. Do you believe in God? … Yes.
53. Do you believe in Heaven? in a way yes.
54. Do you believe in Hell? In a way yes.
55. Do you believe in the devil? Not really.
56. Are you an early riser? Yes.
57. What was the most exciting moment of your life? My first kiss.
58. What was the most frightening moment of your life? ………… When I was told my Da and brothers were involved in a car crash and were at the hotpital…
59. What book would you recommend for others to read? Harry potter.
60. Do you have allergies? No.
61. What is your best physical feature? My hair.. Apparently..
62. Have you ever had your heart broken? Yes.
63. What is your middle name? Victoria.
64. Are you superstitious? Not really.
65. Out of these 10 countries, which one would you like to visit? : Germany, France, England, Italy. Sweden, Spain, Turkey, Egypt, Australia, Switzerland. France? I guess..
66. What do you think will happen to you in 10 years? Hopefully I will get married and have at least one kid.. Though I’m not sure if this will happen to me…
67. Where you named after anyone? Yeah, Grandfather one my Da's side is name Victor, my Uncle's middle name is also Victor so my Da liked the idea of passing that name on to me but just made it girly.
68. When was the last time you cried? …. Just a couple days ago..
69. Do you like your handwritingYeah I guess.
70. What is your favorite lunch meat? Ham.
71. If you were another person would you be friends with you? Yes.
72. What is the first thing you notice about people? Their clothing style..

[Mia Bell]

A song I wrote... I haven't given it a title yet.. I still think it's a work in progress..

Someday, I will come home again
Someday the storm will lift.
We can make it
Through the pain and sorrow

We lead each other down the rode of another day
Don't give up on me, I won't give up on you
We will survive this.

We fight to live
We fight to dream
We fight to breathe
We fight to live another day.

I wake up to face the world
Give me the strength to keep on fighting
The fight will never end
So come to me, let's come together

We fight to live again
We fight to dream again
We fight to take another breath.

[Mia Bell]

[trigger warning: cutting]

There’s one thing I didn’t talk about before when I was talking about my session with Dr. Neville. I was just not comfortable talking about it or writing about it really. I started cutting myself a couple days after I moved to Vermont.. Like I told the Doctor… The reason why I did it in the first place was because I couldn’t bear with the overwhelming emotions of having to leave everything I care about in Alaska, well expect for my pet snake Spike.. I had to leave the last two people I truly care about and I had to leave my home. I was grateful for the fresh start and still am, but the pain of having to leave was unbearable. So I went to self-mutilation. I’m not proud of it.. For a while, I kept doing it… Because I found it was easier to feel the physical pain then the emotional pain. I stopped though; I haven’t been doing it, or at least trying not to do it. It’s hard, for some reason I get comfort out of it. To get lost in the physical pain and forget about the emotional pain.

You might think I’m being insane. And I know this just gives me yet another reason for people to not want anything to do with me. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about what would happen if I Ma found out, would she disown me? Would she give up on me like my grandma? I’m just tired of the pain, I know how sick it is to run from one pain to another, but I can’t help it. It’s not like there are many people in my life I can run to for support, in fact there is only one person and that’s Dr. Neville. I’m afraid that even he will give up on me… It seems to be a common cycle for me considering my last boyfriend gave up on me by dumping me after he found out about my suicide attempt and my Grandma gave up on me by not talking to me at all unless she had to.

I know that all of this isn't normal, and I know my past isn’t that bad. But I can’t help but fall apart while thinking about it. I’m grateful for Dr. Neville, who is willing to help me pick up the pieces of my shattered world and soul. I don’t know what else to do.. It’s not like I have anyone to run to for comfort, maybe there’s one person… But I don’t feel comfortable running to him at all. I don’t think he even cares about my situations anyways. He also seems to have his own set of issues.

[Mia Bell]

This is just great! I got forced into a love relationship. Something I really don’t want to be in, love isn’t even something I want to think about… Cameron lied to Ravyn that we were dating! I mean WTF! Why the hell me? I have too many things on my mind at the moment I don’t need this… Apparently Ravyn is Cameron ex, and he told her we were dating I guess to make her jealous or something I don’t know. I really don’t care what his excuse his, he used me.. Why does everyone have the need to use me? Seriously I feel like every guy just sees me as a sex object. I have feelings too you know!

I understand the whole love thing, I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I guess that’s why it’s so hard for me.. It brings back memories I don’t want to have and feelings I didn’t want to have either. I am jealous of them, of their relationship. They love each other but they are still friends, I fell in love with my best friend but he moved and I haven’t heard from him since. I never got the chance to still be friends with him. I never got the chance to sort out my feelings, I will never have that secure feeling that if I wanted to get back together with him I could still have a chance.

This is all just getting way too emotional for me. I don’t know what to think about any of this. Ravyn should date other people if she feels like she needs that secure feeling that there isn’t anyone else. But at the same time I know how Cameron feels, because I have also been the one to have to be forced to get over someone, twice.

This situation is also hard for me because I know I will never find that person who will love me for me and be able to accept the things I’ve done to myself. It’s hard and I hate it. I hate being this insecure. Yes I know I’m letting my scars run my life but I just don’t want to get hurt again.

I feel like if you were a person you would be asking me how I feel about Cameron. I’m really not sure how I feel about him to be honest, he can be a great guy or at least seems he can be one. But at the same time he is an ass. Do I like like him? Maybe, but it doesn’t matter, he’s in love with Ravyn and I feel like Ravyn is still in love with him. I don’t stand a chance. I can’t just take a risk here either, because I can’t go into a relationship, even if it’s just a dating one and not get emotionally involved I tried it didn’t work that well. Besides I don’t know if I could do that to Ravyn… She’s such a nice girl. I’m just really confused… I shouldn’t even be thinking about dating anyone, let alone have feelings for someone; I have too many problems I need to sort through. Which makes this all the more harder.

This is a really jumbled entry and I’m sorry for that..

[Mia Bell]

I’m officially the dumbest girl alive.. I mean.. Like I got angry at Cameron for reasons that didn’t have anything to do with him. Instead of just pushing him away a little, I pushed him away completely. Yeah I confronted him about using me. I still don’t get why he chose me, Ravyn said he might have feelings for me and I really don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know what to think about any of this.

But all of this just brought back memories I didn’t want to have. Feelings and emotions I had stored deep inside myself came out because of this and I guess that was why I was mad at Cameron. But now instead of hating Cameron for bringing out more pain that I was trying to hide; I hate myself. Because Cameron didn’t deserve me venting at him, not when I’m sure he’s as just as much confusing feelings as I do.

I really shouldn't be this emotionally invested in this situation and all this drama. But I am, and besides the feelings of my exs I think a lot of this has to do with my feelings for Cameron. I can’t keep denying things to myself and lying to myself. It’s not healthy. I like Cameron, I am falling for him; as much as that hurts to admit it. I want to tell him, I’m tired of hiding my feelings and bottling up my emotions.. I guess that’s why I cry a lot. But what would be the point of telling him? It’s not like he has the same feelings for me, even if Ravyn thinks otherwise. Because I can tell he still loves Ravyn and he’s said it too. I’m not an idiot I pieced together everything. I just don’t want to be second best, to anyone, I don’t deserve to have to settle for that. And Cameron shouldn’t have to settle for second best either… He shouldn’t have to settle for just me, I’m not worth it. I’m not worth staying around for, I’m not the best Cameron could have, obviously. Who wants a girlfriend who is emotionally screwed up anyways? I know Cameron deserves better than me, and Ravyn is better than me. I don’t mind admitting that and it is true. Cameron deserves to know the truth I know that, but is it worth going through all that drama and hurt? I’m just going to have to think about this more.. which wouldn't be really hard considering I can't stop thinking about Cameron. Above all else I also want to say sorry to Ravyn...

[Mia Bell]

So I have been neglecting writing… I have been drawing and writing lyrics. This is going to be a really long entry. So Me and Cameron are still friends, we are actually now dating. It’s not what I had in mind ‘just dating’ and I’m not sure how it will all turn out. But I’m going to try to make the best of it. I’m going to have to try harder to guard my heart, I don’t want to believe in something, hope something happens, and with my luck it never will and get hurt all over again. I don’t want to keep seeing the negative sides, but at the same time I feel like it’s better to. I have so many false hopes and dreams that I know will never come true. Maybe that’s me being a bit pathetic but if I didn’t dream, I wouldn’t be able to stay sane.

Anyways, I don’t know what to think about this dating thing… I know I’ve done it before, it only lasted like a week till it became an ‘actual’ relationship… So I don’t have much experience and besides that was more than a year ago. I feel so awkward that I haven’t gone out on a date for a little over a year now. And here I know Cameron has never stopped dating people, in a way that makes me really insecure. And it makes me even more insecure knowing he’s dating other people while dating me… What would happen if he finds someone better than me? That isn’t very hard, I don’t think I’m that great. This whole situation is just really awkward for me, mostly because he’s more experienced with this kind of thing and I really have no clue how this is suppose to work out.

Are there ‘rules’ for ‘just dating’? I feel like a thirteen-year-old asking questions about relationships… God, why does this have to be so hard? I know I told myself that I needed to start living ‘in the moment’ like my Uncle does and like how Cameron can apparently but I just not being able to find myself doing that. I know I should be flattered that Cameron wants to date me, and is interested in me and I am really. But at the same time, is it really that big of a deal? I mean how many people has he actually dated? How many people has he gone out within this past month? I know I should feel special or something that any guy is interested in me other than getting in my pants but with Cameron there’s just more insecurities. I just feel like I’m just another person in the crowd in his eyes, just another person for him to date, just another person to put on the list of the people he has dated. I’ve only ever dated two people, well three with Cameron. That’s it, that’s all the experience I have. I just don’t want whatever this is with Cameron to end up like my last two relationships.

[Mia Bell]

So I’m not even sure WHY I’m doing this survey… I’m just really bored I guess… I don’t think I should be doing this one but oh well..


Sex & Intimacy Questions


1. Would you consider yourself straight, gay, bi, or something else? Why? First off, I don’t care about sexuality nor do I care about the gender of anyone. I like guys and I like girls; that’s it.

2. Who was the first person you had sex with? When did it
happen? What was it like? How well did it go? No one… I’m still a virgin.

3. Have you ever had a same-sex experience? Who with, what was it like, and how did it go? You mean like dating the same sex? Or having sex with the same gender? I’ve made out with another girl before… It was this girl I met in the hospital she and her family were just tourist and she had to get her appendix out or something like that. Anyways we ended making out because we were both curious. It went pretty well, it was kind of creepy doing it in a hospital but she was a damn good kisser. I've never had sex so sorry.

4. What is your deepest, most well-hidden sexual fantasy? Would you ever try it? I don’t have one… My mind is too busy thinking of other things.

5. What was the wildest thing you've ever done, sexually? Who was it with and when did it happen? Making out with a girl. It was a random girl and it was a year ago.

6. Is there any sexual activity that you enjoy and/or practice regularly that can be considered non-standard? (Bondage, Fantasy Play, etc.) Why do you like it? …………………Nope…

7. Is there any sexual activity that you will not, under any circumstances, do? No clue.. It’s kind of hard to answer this question when you haven’t done anything.. For me it’s like ‘have to try it first before I can say I like it or not’. And I haven’t tried anything at all.

8. Do you currently have a lover? What is their name, and what is your relationship like? What are they like? Why are you attracted to them?….No I do not.

9. What is the perfect romantic date? Picnic on the beach at night.

10. Describe the perfect romantic partner for you. Someone who isn’t repulsed by myself harm issues, someone who would accept them. Someone who can cook for me, because I can’t cook shit. Someone who is sweet and considerate, who can make me laugh when I feel sad. Someone who knows all my romantic dreams and try to make them all come true <3 Yes I thought about this a lot.

11. Do you ever want to get married and have children? When do you see this happening? Yes and yes. I don’t see it ever happening though.

12. What is more important - sex or intimacy? Why? Intimacy. Because sex can easily not mean anything where intimacy is on a deeper level, like it means more. It means more emotionally to you, it’s just not something that means nothing. You wouldn’t be intimate with a complete stranger, you could have sex with a complete stranger though.

13. What was your most recent relationship like? Who was it with? (Does not need to be sexual, merely romantic.) …Does my current one count? I’m not sure if it’s a relationship really… I’m not really sure what it is.. Anyway it’s with this guy name Cameron, and we are just dating, non exclusively. I guess it’s going fine? I’m just really insecure about the whole thing… And that makes me sound like such a diva..

14. What's the worst thing you've done to someone you loved? I’m guessing this doesn’t count family members? Because I have done nothing wrong to the person I loved. I guess I would say teasing him, but we teased each other a lot… It never crossed a line though. I’m a good girlfriend, I’m a sweetheart.

[Mia Bell]

So I guess I should talk about the week at the retreat. Overall it was nice, well except the date with Cameron… that.. Didn’t go as well as I would have liked it too.. I’ll get to that later though.

So I met Anna, she was so cute, so shy but I think she has warmed up to me; I always get this warm fuzzy feeling when shy people warm up to me like that. Like Willow she’s super shy but it seems like she has started to warm up to me now. It was really nice talking to her, I wish she would have come to the dance though.. I would have loved to have a dance with her.

Hmm, I spent some time with Dani, I love her, she’s so dorky and I love it! It gives me a chance to be dorky too; sometimes I miss it. I climbed my first tree with Dani! That was pretty fun, and we talked about random stuff mostly about video games, hers is Zelda and mine is Final Fantasy. I think I’m going to start drawing a bunch of fanart for the girl and give them to her. I wonder how she would like that.

Noah <3 I don’t think I told you about my meeting Noah. Well he came in to the Quarter note to play with one of the guitars and buy new strings for his own guitar. We had a lot of fun he was really dorky but I love dorky. I’m also dorky so it was so nice. He was super nice and wrote me a song and we flirted a lot and it wasn’t like complimenting flirting with either it was like dorky flirting. He said that me biting my bottom lip was cute, it made me blush; it was nice. But anyways we bumped into each other at the retreat though I saw him at the dance with Ravyn, just didn’t say hi, figured it would be awkward… They seemed like they were a dorky couple, I kind of envy that of Ravyn… So when I saw him playing his guitar sitting on a rock, omg he was so cute. Anyways it was a bit awkward because he had joked that he was waiting for me and like watching me and I kind of took it seriously and called him a stalker which I’m pretty sure it hurt his feelings… But thankfully he seemed to have shrugged it off, I just wasn’t in the greatest of moods, I guess because I felt like he was kind of into me and then seeing him with Ravyn disappointed me somehow… I don’t know why I feel so bad because I think I like him but at the same time there was also Cameron (even though I have expressed my feelings about this and still not sure where it is going..) I just don’t feel intimidated by Noah and it’s a nice feeling.. So everything turned out fine for us and me and Noah started talking about music and pretty much talked about it for a long time.

Ugh now for the hard part.. So I told Cameron at the retreat dance that I was thinking about dating again and I really am I have to face my fears sometime right? Well he asked me out and our first ‘date’ was at the retreat and we were supposed to go hiking but he never did we just stayed near the lake watching the stars. I kind of really wanted to go hiking but oh well.. Anyways we got into talking and for some reason he asked me if I trusted him and then I asked him why I should trust him when he used me. A part of me feels bad for bringing it up but the other part is just like fuck it, it needed to be out in the open, I don’t trust Cameron with my heart even though I feel like I’m falling for me which makes me feel like I’m digging myself a deeper hole. Like he apparently wasn’t getting that I can’t just forget about it, because I don’t want it to happen again I need to guard my heart because it’s already broken I don’t need it to be more broken. I think he gets that now somewhat now but I still don’t trust him I still feel like he’s going to use me, whether or not he is I don’t know. And the worst part about this all he didn’t even mean to use me or to hurt me in the first place which makes me think that he does to without knowing which makes me feel even worse about it. But somehow he ended driving around the subject, I get that he’s sorry but that doesn’t change what happened, actions speak louder than words and his actions were using me. I don’t know somehow it ended all fine and everything, he said he had wrote me a song and I gave him the necklace I made him. I just feel like for a first date... It just didn't go well at all.. It just shouldn't have had that much tension in it..

[Mia Bell]

[trigger warning: cutting]


So a couple weeks ago I had went to the lake just to like soak in some sun and whatever. But then someone stole my journal, I didn’t know who it was or why they did it but it freaked me out big time. My whole life was in that notebook, every single dark secret I have was in it. I hate the thought that there is a huge chunk of writing missing from my collection. But I had to start over and that’s what I’m doing. This made me think that I should start over with my life in a whole, I kept telling myself I was grateful for having this fresh start at Hammel but I haven’t been taking advantage of it. This is why I decided to start dating again; I know I need to take baby steps. that is why for a while I’m just going to date Cameron. And if that doesn’t go anywhere, when I feel comfortable dating as a whole I’ll start dating other people.

So back to my notebook being stolen, I found out who stole it… It was this red headed boy, with blue eyes. Was this the guy that Cameron had warned me about? Either way Cameron won’t find out about this, because I’m not too keen on crying in front of him, and I know I would if I start talking about it. He doesn’t want me crying to him anyways, so it’s a win win situation.

Anyways I don’t remember his name so whatever. He called me pathetic, and the worst part about that is I know he’s right. I am pathetic, and I hate it. But I feel like I can’t help it though. I don’t try to be but I still know I am. Look at how many insecurities I have about myself… I have so many, and what’s worse is that I have destroyed my own confidence in myself. From the suicide attempt and the cutting. I keep cutting myself even though I know it’s where most of my insecurities lie. I run from the emotional pain, just to run to the physical. I’m worthless, I’m pathetic, I’m not pretty; I might be pretty on the first layer but past that I’m just horrific. I dream about having that perfect fairytale ending, being swept away by the one who will love me unconditionally. But at the same time I know that will never happen.

Thanks to red headed boy, I’ve gotten worse with my cutting. I have more cuts on my stomach now; I’ve been reopening past cuts/scars. And worst of all I found myself writing ‘pathetic’ on my left inner thigh with a razor blade and ‘worthless’ on my right inner thigh. It’s getting worse, I’m getting worse and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know if I can stop it. I don’t want to keep doing this, but I still feel myself being pulled to do it. I am truly pathetic and forever alone. I don’t expect anyone to love me, anyone to accept this about me, nor do I expect Cameron to stay with me. But I still hope, and that in the end is what’s killing me.

[Mia Bell]

So, I found bunch of pictures with these quotes on them, and I’m going to write some of them in here, just because I think they’re really great. They are the ones that spoke out to me the most. I give myself no credit for these, the credit goes to the unknown people who made them.

“Life has knocked me down a few times. I’ve seen things I never want to see again. But I’ll always get back up, I will never stay down”

“Sometimes all you can do is, not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best.”
This is something I have to keep reminding myself; because I always do this I always think, always wonder, always imagine and always obsess. I know doing all these things bring me down a lot and I just have to remind myself that I just have to live and let life do its thing.

“My PROBLEM is that I can’t stay mad. I always end up FORGIVING people when they DON’T deserve it.”
This is defiantly I problem I have. Even though I try to protect myself from getting hurt, I always end up forgiving people for crap. Unless they don’t want to be forgiven than you know whatever, it’s like in a way I rather fight whatever confrontation it is inside myself than go through it with the person.

“Sometimes we put up walls.
Not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down.”

“There will always be a reason why you meet people. Either you need them to change your life or you’re the one that will change theirs.”

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is GREATER than any OBSTACLE.”
This is something that I have to keep believing in.

“Without a struggle, there can be no progress.” –Frederick Douglass.


“If you need me, call me. I don’t care if I’m sleeping, if I’m having my own problems or if I’m angry at you. If you need me and if you need to talk to me, I’ll always be there for you. No matter how big or how small your problem is, I’LL BE THERE”
All my friends and loved ones can count on me saying and doing this.

This is a picture I printed out and just taped in here. I thought it was really cute.

[Mia Bell]

Here are some Images of my baby, Spike. Isn’t he just the cutest?