Tanner's Tangents

[Tanner Larson]

Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm halfway through David McCullough's biography of John Adams, and it looks like the guy kept a journal most of his life. It seemed to help him collect his thoughts and put things into perspective - and hell, the guy became president after all - so I figured it would be wise for me to do the same. Hence the title.

So, I went on a date tonight. Lucy won me at the auction I joined to help Kiara out. She bid like 40 bucks on me or something, which I guess is pretty cool. She was kind of a pain at first but my persistence seemed to win her over. It was pretty fun despite her initial reluctance. Even though she thought my performance was "really gay" (everyone else seemed to like it...) we still got along surprisingly well all things considered. So well, as it turned out, that we scheduled another date - like, a real one - for once we both got back from break. That's pretty awesome, right? I sure hope it goes well...

[Tanner Larson]

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I feel like DEATH right now. I shouldn't even be updating; I should be focused on getting better. I went on that hike with Juniper. It was good at first - she seemed to be absolutely in love with the place - but then the snow picked up and we got trapped in a cave. I was able to start a fire to keep us warm, but honestly it was just awful. At least I was able to keep Juniper from freezing halfway to death until two rather intimidating forest rangers came and dug us out.

It was like my day was co-written by freaking Joss Whedon.

That's why I'm sick, at any rate. Apparently giving off so much of my body heat for so long caused my body temperature to lower temporarily and now it has to build back up. Like a battery that got drained and has to recharge, or so said the campus doctor I saw when I got back to Hammel. All I know is I'm stuck in this bed for about a week until I feel warm enough to emerge from my room. It's gonna be a long-ass next few days.

At least Michael's brought me some tissues and stuff.

By the way, I feel inclined to add that I wouldn't have changed today for the world. Health be damned. Leave it at that.

[Tanner Larson]

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Juniper just left. She came to cheer me up, since I was still feeling pretty gross even after a few days of bed rest. She told me she had been afraid I was mad at her for what happened at the reservoir. Hearing her say that made me want to hang myself. My fault for being a distant prick, I guess. It was nice to see her, though. I'm actually starting to feel better, too. Must be something in the soup.

Yeah, she brought me soup. And herself. So, yeah. Feeling better.

[Tanner Larson]

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Ah, performance night. Just got home and it's pretty late so I'll keep it short. I finally performed that Gaga song Cynthia's been shoving at me since September. I still think it was a bit provocative for me personally, but the crowd seemed to dig it.

Some kid came to interview me. Well, not some kid. Amos, Juniper's friend she's always gushing about. I thought for a while that they were dating or she was crushing or something. But he was pretty awkward around me. Probably gay, right?

I'm hoping what Callie told me about nobody reading the school paper is true, cuz I really don't feel like having everyone and their mothers know where I work. It's bad enough June is chomping at the bit to come see me perform. Remind me to stay away from Gaga for a few weeks...

[Tanner Larson]

Friday, December 14, 2012

What the fuck what the fuck what the FUCK.

I saw Robbie today. It had been a pretty freaking good day until that point, too. I found exactly the music book I had been looking for for WEEKS, and right when I was about to purchase it there he was, bounding toward me like a goddamn dog. It was like he had freaking forgotten everything, but I was sure to remind him. It was so awkward though. We left on the worst note I think I've ever left a conversation on. If I never see him again it will be ideal.

I absolutely hate myself for how I feel right now. How can you still have feelings for someone an entire freaking YEAR after the last time you see them, especially when the last time was that stinking pile of crap of a moment. It just defies explanation. So much for clarity.

I need to just stop thinking about it. Remind me to tear out this page and burn it later. I don't want his name anywhere near me right now.

[Tanner Larson]

Monday, December 17, 2012

Had a rehearsal today. Cynthia wants me to do a duet with a girl. Which means I get to work Thursday, Friday, AND Saturday this weekend. Well, guess now I'll know what it's like to go out on a weekend night (buh-dum).

I guess I should cut to the chase and say this girl is smoking. I've never seen anything like it. There are a lot of pretty people around here, but she brought to a whole new level. Exotic and everything. She could move her hips like nobody's business. I was about to jump her right there on stage while she was singing. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna do this.

The above shouldn't be misconstrued as a complaint.

[Tanner Larson]

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Michael dragged me to the mall this morning to help him buy some Christmas gifts. His power acted up while we were walking around and I ended up plastered against him for like five minutes. It was the most embarrassed I've been in a long, long time - and that's saying something, given my knack for ending up in compromising positions. Kid owes me.

Holidays are coming up, spending a few days in Jersey starting on the morning of Christmas Eve. Feel kinda weird admitting it but I feel more at home here. Seems like just yesterday I was dying to go home, now I feel a bit awkward about the whole thing. Guess that's a sign we don't visit enough, but they sure like to keep me busy here.

Forgot to mention - saw Kiara the other day. We'll probably hang out over vacation. That is, unless she isn't too busy at her winter chateau cabin with her new beau. Lucky son of a gun.

[Tanner Larson]

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

So, while studying for my last final (which is tomorrow), who shows up at my door but Robbie. He had a Christmas present for me (which reminds me, I still need to open that) and asked me to spend time with him. I really, really, REALLY didn't want to. I could just feel my heart breaking all over again, but I agreed to it. I can't say no to that fucking face.

So we spent the whole afternoon together. We grabbed lunch at some pizza place, then he bought me a Santa hat that I feel like I'll probably keep forever. We went bowling and played pool. I think he let us draw even though he probably could have won.

When we got back to the dorms, he kissed me. I don't think he realized this, but it was my first kiss. I don't feel like it was stolen, though; I'm happy that it was with him. I still care about him. But I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. I asked him to come to the House tomorrow. He's probably pretty confused, and I don't think he realizes that he'll be seeing me but I won't be seeing him. It's for the best. But I have to run to the House now. Got work to do.

Note to self: is "Big Girls Don't Cry" in my vocal range? Will have to remember to ask Madame when I see her.

[Tanner Larson]

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Today was a really, really long day. I had my last exam in the morning, which was obviously a breeze, but then I had to head to the House to work on my new song. Cynthia helped me out all day, even though it was pretty obvious she had a lot of other, more important things she could have been doing.

So I performed for him tonight. I hope he was there, but I have no way of knowing. If he calls, I probably won't pick up, mostly for my own sanity. But I don't think he'll call.

I was okay while I was singing, but once I got offstage, ugh I don't want to admit this but I got kinda emotional. That's something I'm really not used to doing, but after everything that happened yesterday, and our kiss, and really exhausting day, I was just so emotionally drained. But tomorrow I'll be of to see Zac at Harvard for a few days, so hopefully that'll take my mind off things. Then it's Christmas, and nobody wants to be sad on Christmas, so I gotta snap out of this.

[Tanner Larson]

Friday, December 21, 2012

Not much time to write today - gotta head out the door and get on the train to Mass. - but I just heard back from that apartment Cynthia had pointed out to me. I got the lease! I'm so freaking excited. I feel like such a student being stuck in this dorm. I think having my own apartment in town will be good for me. I'll move in right after the holidays.

Train time... Zac better be nice to me. Oh and he better have a fold-out couch or something, cuz I sure as hell don't have an air mattress.

[Tanner Larson]

Monday, December 24, 2012

Not too much time to write today, either - this weekend with Zac has been a whirlwind, to say the least.

((Space reserved for discussion of weekend with Zac))

[Tanner Larson]

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

It's about 10pm; the family just left. By family, I mean all the relative who came for Christmas, which I wasn't expecting. Kind of a nice surprise even though I don't know some of them very well. My parents got me a flatscreen tv for my new apartment, which is awesome - can't wait to plug that thing in. Mostly got gift cards/cash from everyone else, which is fine by me cuz I'm gonna have to spend a lot of money over the next few weeks getting furniture for the new place.

Everyone was really astounded by the gifts I got them. I couldn't rightly tell them where I got the money (how do you tell your mom and dad you work in a burlesque house?) so I lied about getting a job waiting tables. For an engineer, my father sure didn't do the math. How the hell's a parttime waiter gonna find the money to buy an iPad and diamond earrings? Guess it's just my little secret.

Heading back to Hammel tomorrow; Michael set me up on some blind date with a kid he says just came out as bi. Well, I guess we have that in common. I'm not totally sure about this, but I figured I'd give it a try. Haven't been out downtown in a while, anyway.

[Tanner Larson]

Thursday, December 27, 2012

So,I went on that blind date with the kid who just came out to Michael. I was pretty reluctant at first, but I'm glad I did it. Guess I need to "get in the game" or whatever. Kid's name was Noam, and boy was he a cutie. I could tell he was as nervous as I was at first, but once we started talking, well, I think we hit it off.

((Space reserved for blind date))

[Tanner Larson]

Friday, December 28, 2012

Hooooo boy.

On my way into town this morning, I ran into Kiara - or rather, her snowball ran into the back of my head. She was really bent out of shape over that guy she had spent Christmas with, who as it turns out is kind of a skuz. So I tried to comfort her in a way that wasn't terribly awkward. We made snow angels and a snowman before heading back to my dorm room for some hot chocolate. While we were watching a movie on my bed, she kissed me. I mean, like, a lot. We kissed for like a whole minute, which is more than I'd ever done before. It felt really good, too. But I could tell her heart wasn't totally in it so we kinda left off on a weird note. I don't regret it, though: I really, really like her, even if she doesn't really, really like me back. I wish I was brave enough to tell her so, though.

I think maybe I'll write something to her.

[Tanner Larson]

Sunday, December 30, 2012

So, it was another Sunday meeting at the House. Those things are usually pretty fun but I had my mind on a lot of other stuff. Like moving out of my dorm and into my new apartment this coming week, for example.

I got a cool new song to sing this Thursday, and with it, a kind of mean pianist to sing it with. Well, maybe "mean" isn't fair, but he was really distant and seemed like he was pretty uninterested.

((Space reserved for rehearsal with Lucah))