Anxiety is the Handmaiden of Creativity [Cat]

[Jack Maguire]

Jack had assigned his students to write their own poems as a sort of mellow-down from all the essays that had been happening. That, and summer weather usually drove kids out of the library and into the outdoors, and Jack wasn't going to stop them. Writing a poem a page or longer wasn't as time-consuming as an essay, and it was a good exercise to be able to apply the concepts they talk about in class to their own work. He mentioned offhandedly that they would be welcome to submit their pieces to the annual contest that the school districts always had.

One of his students, Cat Novella, wrote...frankly, a really good poem. He knew that she sometimes had trouble with her power in his class, so he usually left her to her own devices. She always turned out good essays and kept good grades, so there was no need to worry about her. But he didn't think she had a lot of confidence. So he called her into the office after her classes to talk

When she poked her head in, Jack smiled. "Hello, Cat. Come in, you're not in trouble." Usually kids seemed to assume that they were in trouble when they were called into the office. "I just had tutoring in here. How are you?"

[Catherine Novella]

Poetry came easily to her. Such a thing wasn't bad nor god. It just was. When Mr. Maguire had assigned a topic Cat had researched a bit on the subject before she had written the poem. Seeing as she was required to go to therapy sessions the assignment was a good outlet. She had written the poem on Control and authority. Who had it, who didn't. That sort of thing. She wasn't expecting much to come from it, but it had been a nice relief from the multiple essays that the teacher had assigned.

When her teacher had called her in to talk, after she had submitted the poem she wondered what for. It wasn't as if it was a good one. It was just a stress reliever. Full of frustration and angst Cat knew it wasn't a good poem. Was she in trouble? What had she done now? Sighing she knocked on the door to let herself be known to the man in the room. She was always alone, so it couldn't be a dispute with anyone. Really, such a thing baffled her.

So she wasn't in trouble? Well that was a relief. Coming in she sat down at the chair provided and looked at her teacher. "So why am I here if I am not in trouble?" Cat tilted her head looking up at him. "I'm fine...Why do you ask?" Her voice was filled with suspicion.

[Jack Maguire]

Jack could feel her anxiety and her suspicion and wished he'd been able to meet her in a classroom or somewhere significantly less intimidating than the English Department Office. Hoping to assuage that somewhat, he gave her a small smile. "Well, I called you in because I wanted to first congratulate you because I was very impressed with your poem. It was great work." He felt that students didn't get enough personal praise for their good work as they did when they were struggling. It was important to balance both.

"I also want to recommend that you consider submitting your work to that contest I mentioned. I can help you with the forms and paperwork, if you like." It would certainly be no trouble for him. "It's up to you, obviously, but it's a great piece."

[Catherine Novella]

She still wasn't quite sure what was going on, and was really just looking to retreat to her world of books, her world of stories. There she was safe and away from meddling eyes and ears. There she didn't have to listen to lectures or talk. She was free in that world. Part of her wanted that world to really exist. Oh. That was what was going on. Congratulate her? That didn't even make sense. "It wasn't even making sense." For her something like this was a bad thing at most. She wasn't a good person, and poetry wasn't supposed to be written by her. It just turned out badly. "What made you think it was good?" She really did want to know.

The next part came as a shock to her. "Submit it?" Something like that? She wasn't sure what was going on. "Why? It isn't going to win." She had no expectations of such a thing to happen.

[Jack Maguire]

Jack could sense the insecurity and suspicion coming off in waves. He obviously wanted to help her. He wanted to help everyone, and she was a good student and a good kid. But he couldn’t do anything unless she was willing to meet him halfway. “The poem you turned in for homework was very good,” Jack explained again. “And I think you could have a good shot if you wanted to submit it to the contest.”

At her question, he gave her a kind smile. “It had good structure and form. You made good use of imagery and symbolism and it had good emotion. I was very impressed.”

The assumption that she wouldn’t win didn’t altogether surprise Jack. Cat was rarely confident in her work, despite the quality. Granted, it was true that he couldn’t guarantee she would win first, but there was a very high chance she would win something. And perhaps that recognition would help her.

“It might. But my thought was that you might meet some other people who like some of the same stuff as you—reading and telling stories and making worlds. It’s a good way to meet people. And again, I think your stuff is very good. I can help you clean it up if you like, but it is ultimately up to you. You don’t have to, but I thought I’d let you know what I thought.”

[Catherine Novella]

Cat sighed as her teacher insisted it was a good poem and yada yada yada. To her it was all meaningless. Was this supposed to cheer her up? To tell her that her poetry was good, she should enter it? To such a thing Cat shook her head. "My poetry is very...sacred. You got to read it because you are the teacher. I..." It was there that Cat faltered. She did not know why but the words wouldn't form from her mouth.

Sighing Cat looked down before sneaking a glance at the teacher standing in front of her. "Look, to me, I pour a bit of my soul into what I write. It.. well it is how I cope." Shaking her head slightly she smiled up at her teacher. "I don't let others in easily, not to mention that submitting my poem would let others see me. I much rather hide." It was sad but true.

She knew she wouldn't win. That sort of thing was left to people who wanted and needed to achieve something. Cat was none of those things. She just wanted to hide and be hidden. It was the easiest way to do things, to endure things. To her hiding was the easiest route, the easiest way. She didn't want recognition.

At his words Cat shook her head lightly. "I am fine by myself." Really why didn't that get through adult's heads? She wanted to be left alone. Wanted to be left to her own devices. She was productive, she got all of her work done and such, but sighed at his words. "If you really want me to I will."

[Jack Maguire]

Jack nodded slightly, signaling without interrupting that he understood where Cat was coming from. A lot of people felt that way about their writing or their poetry. He felt a little bit of that towards his music. "I understand. Poetry can be a very private exercise."

"That's fair," Jack reassured her. "Having a way to cope with feeling overwhelmed is a good thing. You don't have to post it at all if you don't want to. But I thought I'd let you know that I was very impressed with your poem. You have a lot of talent."

Jack shook his head. "This is about you and your poems," he explained with a smile. "If you don't feel comfortable sharing your poetry right now, that's completely understandable. I don't want to suggest you do something that makes you feel uncomfortable." He always believed in telling his students when they were doing exceptionally well just as much as when they needed the extra help. Some students respond well to the encouragement.

[Catherine Novella]

Cat smiled slightly as her teacher nodded, understanding where she was coming from. Poetry to her, was more private then anything. She wasn't a poet, but she like venting, Especially through poetry. "It... is how I vent." She wasn't sure how else she should say it and explain.

"How can you judge that talent which you insist I have? Mr. Maguire, what makes you think that this talent is something I want." Cat didn't want this. She just wanted to stay hidden. Why couldn't people just understand that?

That was the thing though, Cat doesn't respond well to encouragement. She wasn't able to and didn't believe in herself. Cat herself was a very private person and she wasn't able to let people in. WHen he was made to write poetry it was a very private thing. "Ha. I'm always uncomfortable." It was true though, he wasn't understanding her. "Why must you believe in me when I don't believe in myself?" oops... did she just say that out loud?

[Jack Maguire]

"I understand." Jack said simply. Everyone needed a way to vent and to deal with negative emotions. He had his violin, Cat had her poetry. There wasn't much to say about that, except that now they were leaving the territory of classroom assignment and into something much more troubling about Cat's idea of self-worth.

Jack paused, testing out his words before he said them. "I can judge your poetry based on my training and education. I could tell you the technicalities, but that's not really the point. But, and I think it's important to say this, your talent is your own. You are under no obligation to use it in any way you don't want." He looked at her, sympathy and concern warring on his face. "I know it probably doesn't feel like you're in control of much sometimes, but you are in control of how you want to use your gifts. And whatever you decide is okay."

Jack wasn't a psychiatrist. He wasn't Sean. But he wanted to help his students as best he could. "Well, I believe in you because you are a good student, a hard worker, and always respectful and polite. Because you deserve that."

[Catherine Novella]

Cat nodded, letting her bangs fall in her face. She didn't want to deal with anyone again and this was just wrong. Her poetry was her poetry, not anyone else's. It was something she did to hide and be hidden. Building up walls was one of her strong suits.

Well he had a point. He was a professional. If there was one thing that Cat respected it was professionals. They had had training and expertise in that area to be able to take and do as they wished in their particular field. "I guess..." She really didn't know what to say to that. Talent wasn't something she considered that she had, at least not in the productive area. "I think control is just an illusion." It really was, and to be frank she wasn't sure where the idea of control came from anyway. " I guess I can submit it... If you really think it is good enough." She didn't. If he did then maybe, just maybe it might be true.

Cat gave a small smile and nodded to her teacher. "Thanks Mr. Maguire." It was nice to have a teacher who actually cared about her. Not many people really did anymore. It was uncommon and unheard of. It was...nice.

[Jack Maguire]

Jack wasn’t very good at talking philosophy. Either in general or in life philosophies. So when Cat spoke about control being an illusion, he didn’t reply. Instead, he opted to say: “I think it is quite good, but whether or not you choose to do it is entirely in your hands. Whatever you choose will be a good decision in my book.”

He gave her an answering smile. “Of course, any time,” he replied earnestly. Jack cared very deeply about his students. They were as good as his children, and he wanted them to be as happy as possible. “If you ever need to talk about anything, you know my door is always open.”

[ooc: wrapped! Thank you <3]